A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: I'm married for over three years now with my wife. I met her 5 years before that. My wife was really good-looking when I met her, but a couple of months before the wedding she began to gain weight, at least 20 lbs. from what I can tell, and most of it went right to her thighs. We've been arguing a lot lately about her weight because I don't find her as sexy as before and that ruins our sex life. She says I have to love her for he she is and I say that sexual attraction has to do everything with looks. So for a couple of months we've been fighting each other and without much sex. Also, her younger sister came into our life with my wife's sexy old (young) body, almost exactly the same face and the never ending joy of life and I find my self attracted sexually to my sister in law. She lives near us and we meet every day. My feelings toward the sister get stronger from time to time and I don't know what to do.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (27 October 2010): I don't agree with some of the women on here, no way! But I do agree that you should not go near the sister. Either you are in the relationship or out. If I was attracted to her I would steer clear of her like the plague, as that is not fair on your relationship and will never end nicely.
Now onto the weight. Yes of course you have a point, but that is factoring in that you yourself have not gained weight and that you look also in good condition. A lot of guys look like shit as well, and as far as I am concerned there is no excuse for anyone, male or female. I work as a personal trainer so I think I have place to comment.
Now to qualify what I am going to say - I believe in excelling in all areas of life and always challenging yourself. Nothing more annoying then an awesome looking girl (or guy) that is dumb as dog shit. No excuse for not investing into all areas of your life. Where there is lack put more energy.
So on the assumption that you are in tip top condition - it all comes down to this - "There are no fat people in concentration camps" and the "skinfolds don't lie". Whilst these phrases may be simplistic the reality is calories in Vs calories out, and if she is gaining weight then she is doing something wrong. And don't give me anything about can't get rid of the weight, as that is crap, exercise more and eat clean, simple. I don't want to hear any thing about love, as far as I am concerned there is nothing more disrespectful then looking great then getting married and putting on the weight. Hey honey, I look good marry me! Haha gotcha sucker! And it is off to all you can eat! If she did that when she was single she probably would have stayed that way - Single. If she was single and needed to be competitive with other females, bet your bottom dollar that she would be more concerned about her weight. But being in a relationship robs many people of that competitiveness and they take their partner for granted.
Now back to the weight/attractiveness almost anyone that would argue against me are most likely not attractive (or not actually as attractive as they think). So factor out their comments, as physically mediocre people will always call you shallow etc when you actively voice your opinion on physical importance. In the end most people care a lot about how they look and would like to look better, though very few admit it. Just look at all those women that buy those gossipy women's magazines as a perfect example. Look at the massive gym membership number increases after new years and when the weather gets warmer, as another.
Now In saying all this you should also look at exploring a deeper sexual connection with your partner in bed. This depends on you and your likes, some people this works for, and in some cases it doesn't. One big issue is men is we are VERY VISUAL, women function from a different place. And before all you women get on your high horse and bitch about us males - Factor in that women tend to function from the need for comfort and security. You need only look around at the number of older wealthy men with attractive younger women to see this in action. Also watch some David Attenborough series on lizards and you will see that female lizards care not for the alpha male, but more for the lizard that has the biggest stack of rocks (which usually coincides with one another). I suggest that most humans (both male and female) have not evolved as much as we would like to believe.
So the summary -
1. Stay away from the sister. If you go there you are an asshole. Go watch some porn and get over it.
2. If you expect her to look good, well you need to lead by example and look good yourself. Don't buy crap food and bring it in the house, and start to create an environment for weight loss. Ask her to go to the gym with you, pay for a personal trainer for her.
3. Try to have more intimate sex.
4. If all that doesn't work, and you continue to try and over time it still doesn't work - and it is really that important to you, then be true to yourself and go be single and make sure your next partner is a self-sufficient exerciser that trains year round for herself, and not because she is single. Test run her and try to fatten her up before the marriage to see how she responds. Then act accordingly.
Regards,
Nateeee.
A
female
reader, Myrrh  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Hi. I know someone who crushed on his wifes younger sister. He had no idea that his wife knew, until they split up and it was one of the reasons she gave for meeting someone else. So take care your wife doesn't find out how you feel about her sister. Unless you only married because of her looks, then you really should respect your wife even with a few extra pounds. Shes still your wife. Is her weight truly a major problem for you? Or are you just trying to make it her fault that you lust after her sister. You have the potential to really hurt your wife. Treat her kindly. And if you cant be happy with her, dont involve her sister.
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A
male
reader, Viajante  +, writes (24 September 2010):
Dude, stay AWAY from the sister, it can only get very messy.As for your wife, reassess your approach to the whole situation. On your side, you have got a strong point. Just because you're married, it doesn't mean your wife can let herself go. Anyone who tells you looks don't matter is full of s**t. True, it shouldn't be everything, but looks are very important.On her side, I don't know how you've brought up the topic, but I hope you were very careful. Telling a woman that they are fat and need to lose in a straightforward way is one of the worst things you could say to her. Women don't deal well with that.The best way to go about this whole thing is to be encouraging. Do things with her rather than against her. Invite her to do more outdoor activities, start changing the house's diet for her (and take part in whatever diet she does. She might see it as a proof of love that you are willing to do things together. It will be tough for her to be eating next to nothing if you are eating a banquet.Also, how does she feel about her own weight? Does she want to change? If she does, that's good. If not, well, you might be in trouble. Whatever the case, it's important that she feels loved.Oh, and stay away from the sister. Just do. You guys have no future together. You'd be driving a huge wedge between her and your wife (and possibly the rest of the family too!). Be a man, do the right thing. You got married, now you have to deal with it.And don't forget that looks are important but they aren't everything, they do fade away and you better have more keeping your relationship together.
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A
female
reader, radiolay  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Instead of fantasizing about your sister in law, you should take the time to focus on your wife. Maybe her weight gain came from stress or something more serious. If you really loved her, you'd take a gentler approach such as incorporating healthier eating habits and exercise in both of your lifestyles so she doesn't feel attacked instead of rudely addressing the fact that her extra padding is bothering you.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (24 September 2010):
 I ate a lot more in my early twenties but I weigh 10 pounds more than before. The metabolism slows down no matter how tightly you watch your diet and how much you exercise. As long as you she is eating sensibly you should not hope for the unattainable. If it's in her genes to gain weight after she reaches a certain age, it's going to happen to her sister too. The sex life is ruined the moment you criticize her appearance. Her unconfidence adds to her stress in the bedroom. She wishes too that you are the sweet, romantic guy before.
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A
female
reader, BettyBoup +, writes (24 September 2010):
 If that's really how you feel about your relationship with your wife, I suggest you leave your wife. You need to do it soon so that she has the chance to get over you asap and get out there to find someone who truly loves her, for her, and not just her body.
I hear what you are saying about physical attraction. But a relationship is much, much more than just sex. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices and you have to accept and love your partner no matter what(within reason of course).
20lb is not a huge amount of weight. She doesn't sound obese and could clearly lose it if she chose to. There is always a reason why people gain weight, usually emotional. Wouldn't it be better to support and love your wife to allow her to be the beautiful woman she is, instead of criticising her for gaining a little weight? If she is feeling unhappy about her life or weight gain, telling her she ain't sexy is going to do more damage!
And as for fantasising about her sister... don't even go there! That's the lowest of the low. If she is anything of a good sister she wouldn't touch you with a barge pole! If she would you deserve each other. But reguardless, think about your wife's feelings before you're own. That is what you are meant to do(again within reason) in a loving, healthy, genuine marriage.
If it is truely more important to you to be with someone who is your physical ideal, than your wife whom you should love, then you should really think about whether you should be married. People change. If weight gain is so important, you need to find someone for whom it is equally important. Your wife clearly has other things to worry about.
If upon reflection you realise how cruel thinking of her sister that way is to you wife, and you do love her, you should try talking to your wife. Try to find out how she really feels about her life, and if she is really happy. Try to do things to help her find joy in her life. With joy comes the desire to be healthy and take good care of oneself. I'm sure she has noticed the weight gain, and if she isn't happy with it I'm sure she will be struggling with this. You ought to be supporting her.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 September 2010): You sound like an incredibly selfish and shallow human being.
You dont sound like you love your wife at all! Treat your wife properly and with respect or i wont be surprised if she leaves you. 20lbs isnt a lot of weight. A woman doesnt go from being attractive to not attractive after gaining 20lbs.
Sexual attraction may be all about looks for you but for the rest of humanity its about having a connection with someone, recognising who they are and accepting it.
If your marriage means anything to you, give up this rediculous obsession that a woman has to be perfect in your eyes to be sexually attractive. Dont tell you wife to lose weight, that is dispicable. And stop seing your sister in law.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 You should honor your wife and not be such a jerk. Looks aren't everything. You sound so horrifically shallow that I wonder how you ever got married in the first place!
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