A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:why does it bother me tht my mate smokes? Ok i was once in love with him, still kinda am but i know that will never happen and i;ve got my own life to lead. Either way we;re still good friends and im happy for it. Thing is its upseeting me how hes becoming, just little things and i;ve seen past it but this is awful. Ive always been against smoking and funnily enough so has he, i;ve always hated it, would never do it but for some reason it doesnt bother me that alot of my other friends smoke. But the thing is hes always had strict values, hes always been so against it, he would never do it, in the past hes had plenbty of oppertunity and hes always been against it. Sudeenly now he starts, i guess it hurts that hes changing and going against what hes always believed in(theres more than this) because deep down i know what hes really like. He came out with me and an old friends of ours and it was just like old times but when hes around others he likes to fit in. I know i cant stop him but how can i stop it from bothering me?
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female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 Am afraid there is'nt a lot here you can do, this guy is his own person and he needs to make his own decisions, if you try and talk him around giving up smoking it will only back fire on you. You just have to deal with it. We all at some stage are against smoking but once we try it some of us get hooked and maybe this has happened to him, either way its his choice and if its not something he believes in and wants to stop down the line then be there for him as a friend and help him come of them.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 September 2010):
 I don't know if you can. That's part of caring about someone. The more you care about someone, the more their bad decisions hurt.
I had a good friend in college who was an alcoholic. I was a very sweet guy, but his alcohol abuse just got out of control. We tried to get him help, but when he rejected it, we just had to distance ourselves from him. It hurt too bad watching him destroy himself.
Maybe that's what you need, some distance. It sounds like you still harbor feelings for him, even if you won't admit it. I think that's part of why this bothers you so badly. Personally, I wouldn't be above picking on him about his smoking. "I see those values you had about smoking finally caved, huh? And I thought you were stronger then that."
My best friend always swore he would never smoke. His mom smoked and he always hated it. Then, in college, he started smoking. After about 2 or 3 years he quit. He's never gone back.
Your friend will probably quit, but he needs to get it out of his system. Give him some time.
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