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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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Is it safe to have sex in the water?
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And definitely be wary of sand in unwanted places!... (read in full...)
I knew my boyfriend watched porn, but now I have found out he watches it every day!
Q. hi ok i really need help. i knew that my boyfriend watched porn, and i was a little hurt but i just didnt really think anything of it. but now ive realised he watches it EVERY day even yesturday when it was his BIRTHDAY!!!!!!!! i was with him all ...
A. 18 May 2010: For starters, he isn't thinking of pornstars when you're together. Men use porn to masturbate. Some develop an addiction, but for most it is simply a tool. We could care less about the individuals performing, it is just a visual to help us ... (read in full...)
Physical evidence that he's been cheating?
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If I tell him about the third webcam guy, I know I'll lose him!
Q. first of all im 16..i was a bit of a webcam "ho" before me and my boyfriend started dating. this all took place last year. well..i told my boyfriend wen we started dating that i had never done anything with a guy. but i didnt tell him about that. ...
A. 18 May 2010: Unfortunately you lied. The thing about lies is that they almost always come back to haunt you. You either have to come clean and hope for the best, or let the relationship go because you cannot be honest with him. One thing that you can point ... (read in full...)
Trying to start thing ups with the ex again
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A. 17 May 2010: Ok, so that was very difficult to read. Not the problem either... That's the easy part.
Ex's are that way for a reason. Let them stay that way. I have rarely heard of a time when getting back together with an ex worked out in everyone... (read in full...)
Is there a subtle way I can bring up sex with my girlfriend?
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A. 17 May 2010: I agree that it is best to just try it. On the flip side, the mark of a good relationship is being able to talk about almost anything without feeling awkward. Being able to openly talk about sex, what you like, what you don't like, being open to ... (read in full...)
Is it a good idea to keep in contact with a teacher when I am about to finish for school?
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A. 17 May 2010: I have a couple of teachers that I've kept in touch with since school. I don't see any harm in it. A good teacher is not very common, so I can completely understand why you would want to stay in touch. Emails are probably best. I'd avoid phone ... (read in full...)
How much "groping" is too much?
Q. I love my girlfriend, and like I have seen both of our fathers do, I like to (in private) randomly grap my girlfriend's butt or boobs and maybe squeeze them, but never anything forceful. She'll laugh or say something like "oh yeah" in a "naughty ...
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Why didn't my guy friend cared that I got sexually harass?
Q. I told one of my guy friends that i got almost harassed sexually looking for support and we were close. Now Were not talking to one another and he hasn't talked to anyone or has been online. I thought he would care but he didn't respond when I told ...
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How can I find out if he missed me?
Q. What should I do about my guy friend? When we met we were so close then he drifted apart. Now he ignores me and doesn't treat me like a friend. This makes me so sad. So after two years of heartbreak about this guy knowing that I liked him and not ...
A. 13 May 2010: CaringGuy is right. He likely wanted more than friendship, and when that didn't happen, he moved on. Men don't befriend women they don't have an interest in being with on a "more than friends" level. ... (read in full...)
A very complicated mess with my wife, the girl I lost my virginity to, my best friend and now the boy I have found out is my son......
Q. When I was in school I was on the swim team. We had an away meet which was the regional meet so the school put us up in a hotel. This wasn't chapperoned very well and I went to the room of some girls from a school that was from a rival school in ...
A. 13 May 2010: Wow, this kind of thing can tear families apart. The truth may set you free in more ways than one. For starters though, you may want to do an incognito paternity test just to be sure before dropping this bombshell on your families.... (read in full...)
Why didn't my guy friend cared that I got sexually harass?
Q. I told one of my guy friends that i got almost harassed sexually looking for support and we were close. Now Were not talking to one another and he hasn't talked to anyone or has been online. I thought he would care but he didn't respond when I told ...
A. 13 May 2010: I guess the phrase "almost harassed sexually" is confusing me a little bit. Depending on the problem, he may not have seen an issue with it. It could also be just like the others have said and he didn't know how to handle it. What did you want ... (read in full...)
Do you think he should break up with me?
Q. Ok, first of all, I don't want any silly comments like: "you're an idiot, he should dump you, dumb b*tch." I already know. Anyways, so I went to Mexico without my boyfriend (we have been dating for a year and a half) and one night I got really ...
A. 12 May 2010: If nothing truely happened, then no... But that doubt will likely linger. It will likely be hard for him to get past. It all boils down to how much he trusts you. Still behavior like this can't give the guy much confidence in you.... (read in full...)
Shall I stay with my bf when I can not satisfy him with deepthroat?
Q. I have been with my bf for two years. We love eachother but last year there has been a sexual issue which has become big mental problem for me. Like 1 year ago he told me that the most exciting thing in the world is deepthroat. Well, ok, I haven´t ...
A. 10 May 2010: Holy cow, I wish I had a woman who would try as hard as you do to please me sexually! Ultimately it is your choice if you want to stay or not, but I would say that his pushing this issue is very insensitive. He should appreciate the effort you've ... (read in full...)
My friend's fiancee has given bj's to probably 30 or more guys and he can't deal with it!
Q. My 'work friend' is engaged getting married next year. He has a problem with his fiancee's past. She is still a virgin and wants to wait until they're married. He is fine with that, however, due to what she calls 'sexual pressure' by guys she has ...
A. 10 May 2010: People have different levels of what's acceptable. Ok, your friend has to realize that his fiancee's past is what makes her the woman he loves and wants to marry. While it would have been easier for her to lie to him, she decided to be ho... (read in full...)
How do I get my girlfriend to start taking care of herself and looking better?
Q. How do I get my girlfriend to start dressing better w/o me spending all my own money shopping for her? Also, she for some reason thinks it's ok to not paint her finger/toe nails or properly fix her hair anymore(she used to). How do I tell her these ...
A. 7 May 2010: The longer you're with someone, the less done up they will get for you unless it is a special occasion. Either get used to it or move on. This sounds awefully superficial.... (read in full...)
Are these signs that she wants to go further?
Q. When I kiss my girls friend and suck are her neck she has a kinda moans. Also she says stuff like "how am I so lucky to have you" and "that feels so good" kinda like a porn video. Does this means she wants to go further and do more or no. I'm kinda ...
A. 7 May 2010: The anonymous poster is right. I'm a bit shy myself and find talking about something like that a little awkward. I'd recommend going a little further. Go slowly and see how she reacts. And by all means DON'T make a dash for the promised land! ... (read in full...)
I felt his birthday present to me was a bit tacky
Q. Iv been seeing my boyfriend for over a year and im questioning on how he really feels about me? When we email he does say he loves me but finds it a bit awkward to say !i love you" when we are together and i usually have to say it 1st.Thats not the ...
A. 7 May 2010: I'm a firm believer in two things when it comes to presents: 1) they don't have to be expensive to be good. 2) They should always be thought out.
I guess I could add a third that the present can be an indication of how well someone knows you.
... (read in full...)
What does it mean when a man (your ex) stares at you?
Q. I was at a party last week, and some friends and I decided to go to the bar. When I was there I went with a friend to get a drink and I sat in a chair waiting for on my friend to get his drink, when I saw my old flame, he started staring at me, and ...
A. 6 May 2010: Maybe he still wants to be with you. Did you end it with him, or did he end it with you? Maybe he was irritated that you were at his hangout. Maybe he was wondering why he was ever with you. Maybe he thought you looked particularly attractive ... (read in full...)
Boyfriends weight gain is affecting our sex life.
Q. Iv been in a relationship for 3 years and in that time by boyfrind has continued to gain weight. Not takes no real care in his appearance. And then wonders why i dnt find him sexually attractive and even blames me for it. Iv remained a size ...
A. 6 May 2010: He's partially to blame, but so are you. The fact that you don't find him attractive anymore is your hang-up. The more deeply you love someone, the less something like that matters. A few things you can try to get him to want to change (because ... (read in full...)
I'm constantly paranoid I'm pregnant.
Q. I'm 16, I've had a boyfriend for 2years and we've been having sex for a year and a half, the thing is, I'm constantly paranoid I'm pregnant, I've been on the pill for a couple of months and we always use condoms, but for some reason it's always in ...
A. 6 May 2010: No, it is just a sign that you are not ready for sex. This is healthy and I'd suggest you stop having sex until you are ready.... (read in full...)
He can only cum once is that normal?
Q. My boyfriend can only ejaculate once in a day, or so. Last weekend we had sex on the friday at about 5.00. I stayed the night and we had sex again in the morning at about 11. The thing is he couldn't come. We had sex for about 40 minutes, then he ...
A. 6 May 2010: I'd say nothing is broken since he can get it up. He probably expends all his ejaculate in the first round leaving nothing left for later. While I've never personally had this problem, having multiple orgasms in the same day (3 or more) can ... (read in full...)
I feel like a fool... does he have any feelings for me?
Q. i feel so silly writing this but i so need advice. i work with a guy and ive worked with him since november. even from day 1 ive really liked him. he was in a bad way because his wife cheated on him and he was having a mini meltdown. whilst he was w...
A. 6 May 2010: Difficult to say. My guess is he doesn't know what he's feeling. He has way too much stress right now to add something else into the mix. Is he still married? ... (read in full...)
Don't know why I fainted?
Q. I passed out today at work, just for a few seconds but I still fell over. I haven't passed out since I was a kid, that kind of thing doesn't really happen to me. I'm thinking it could have been due to lack of food? I'd only eaten once which was ...
A. 6 May 2010: You might be anemic. I have a friend who will faint if she doesn't get enough iron. She has a daily vitamin supliment that she takes and doesn't usually have issues. It sounds very similar to what you've described here. I would consult a ... (read in full...)
They tell me to my face that I'm ugly
Q. dear cupid. I have never thought of myself as pretty, but lately everyone has been calling me ugly. I get called ugly at least once everyday. Especially guys. Today, one of my friends made a flirting comment towards me and him and I was a little ...
A. 6 May 2010: Everyone has given good advice. You're at an age where people are especially cruel. I remember the way people got picked on and it makes me sick thinking about it. I'd like to second the comment that the "pretty" ones now, often look used up and ... (read in full...)
Why do I get hit on by elderly men?
Q. why do i get hit on by ederly men more than anyone else? And why are they so forward? i actually had a 70ish year old man say "hey little miss sexy, if i drop a quarter will you bend down and pick it up?" and i was wearing a halter top the oth...
A. 6 May 2010: Ever heard the phrase "Dirty old man?" I think you're seeing that in full effect. As we get older, we care less about what people think. Their thought process is likely, "what harm will come from this? I may actually get a piece or at least this ... (read in full...)
My best friend likes me, This keeps happening and I end up losing friends.
Q. A few days ago my best guy friend told me he liked me as more than a friend. It completely shocked me. I have a boyfriend I've been dating for over a year and I talk to my best guy friend about my boyfriend all the time. For him to like me even ...
A. 5 May 2010: TimmD is hit the nail right on the head! In my experience it is nearly impossible for guys to be friends with girls without some sort of attraction happening. That's just how we're wired. I have a crazy crush on my best girlfriend. It doesn't ... (read in full...)
Porn, anger, mistake.
Q. Well a little while ago I got on Facebook. I wanted to see what my boyfriend was up to so looked at his Facebook page. (I didn't go onto his account just wanted to see if he had updated). I saw that he had befriended some girl. Curious I clicked on ...
A. 5 May 2010: Would you answer my questions? Did he post on her wall? Did she post on his? How is she "Sending him porn?"... (read in full...)
Am I damaging our relationship?
Q. Hey everyone I am a 24 year old female and my bf is 39. We sometimes engage in mutual masturbation and when we do this, we view videos of women stripping on webcam. I find this very erotic and so does he. When he is watching the woman ...
A. 5 May 2010: Well, I'd lean toward harmless. The combination of stimuli is probably what is making things so intense. As long as he doesn't treat you like a doormat, then I don't see a problem. ... (read in full...)
Porn, anger, mistake.
Q. Well a little while ago I got on Facebook. I wanted to see what my boyfriend was up to so looked at his Facebook page. (I didn't go onto his account just wanted to see if he had updated). I saw that he had befriended some girl. Curious I clicked on ...
A. 5 May 2010: You never answered my questions. Did he write on her wall? Did she write on his? I'll add another, why are you being such a psycho over nothing? You said it was nothing, so let it be nothing. Don't talk to him about it, just let it go. If you ... (read in full...)
I'm worried that he doesn't want me as much as the porn stars!
Q. hi there, ok so im 17 and my boyfriends 21, we have been together for about 8 months now and since pretty much day 1 we have sex everytime we see each other. we have a great relationship so dont worry about askin me anythin about that and we are v...
A. 5 May 2010: Men don't usually want to be with pornstars. Sure, they may look nice, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who gets paid to put their bodies through what they do daily. I want a girl who is respectable but willing to get nasty like a pornstar, ... (read in full...)
Oral sex faux pas, and I'm totally embarrassed. How can I get over it?
Q. Well one day i was giving my boyfriend head, and when i was doing it he was putting off more body heat then usual. So i started sweating, Alot...:( and Also when he came he stopped for a second i thought he was done and so i put my head up, But he ...
A. 5 May 2010: That kind of thing happens. I guarantee he didn't mind unless he is incredibly superficial. Please don't let this stop you from doing it again in the future. He will be confused if you just stop suddenly, for what is likely to him a complete ... (read in full...)
I am engaged to a man I don't respect but in love with another
Q. I am engaged to a man who is very good to me, I'll call him Dan. When I say jump, he says how high and he will do it right away. Part of the reason I feel like I am growing away from him is because of a few things: 1) I will always make more money ...
A. 5 May 2010: I read a quotation once that said "Don't marry someone who you can live with, marry someone who you can't live without." It sounds like Dan is someone who you can live without. It would only be fair to him for you to end it because you obviously ... (read in full...)
Porn, anger, mistake.
Q. Well a little while ago I got on Facebook. I wanted to see what my boyfriend was up to so looked at his Facebook page. (I didn't go onto his account just wanted to see if he had updated). I saw that he had befriended some girl. Curious I clicked on ...
A. 5 May 2010: Holy cow, defensive much? Did he write on her wall? Did she write on his? How is she sending him porn? Is it because she had a link to some x rated dating site in her recent post?
I look at friends' pages too. I'll check out their friends ... (read in full...)
Is he or isn't he?
Q. Ok here it goes...I like this guy (he is 7 yrs younger than me, I have always dated younger) Anyways. We have been talking for 5 years online and I went to visit him to his state, we met and had a good time. We went out to eat at this japanese ...
A. 5 May 2010: I agree that he sounds shy. Technically you have been on dates. You've gone out together, just the two of you. In my book, that's a date, even if you aren't "dating." Why not see how he reacts if you try to kiss him? ... (read in full...)
What the hell!
Q. What to think? ...been together 4 yrs, having a crazy day and I was just getting ready for bed and he knows I have had a pinched nerve for a couple of days - I just asked him kindly could you please rub my neck for a few minutes and he says sorr...
A. 5 May 2010: I had a GF who always wanted backrubs and massages. Because it's a hobby of mine, I'd gladly oblige. One day, I had a really bad neck ache, the kind that burns like crazy when you even turn your head. I asked if she could give me a little neck ... (read in full...)
Porn, anger, mistake.
Q. Well a little while ago I got on Facebook. I wanted to see what my boyfriend was up to so looked at his Facebook page. (I didn't go onto his account just wanted to see if he had updated). I saw that he had befriended some girl. Curious I clicked on ...
A. 5 May 2010: I've seen those "people" on FB. Really they are just shills for the sites they post links too. They aren't actually people. He probably got a friend request and since the name sounded familiar accepted. Did he write anything on her wall? ... (read in full...)
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