A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hi there,ok so im 17 and my boyfriends 21, we have been together for about 8 months now and since pretty much day 1 we have sex everytime we see each other. we have a great relationship so dont worry about askin me anythin about that and we are very much in love. but i do have one problem now i know hes a boy but he watches an awful amount of porn and thinks i look like his favourite pornstar, sex is begining to become on my terms now, for example i wanted to do anal for the first time the other day, any guy would be lucky for their gf to say that right!? so we did, and he wasnt even that fussed. it is great in the bedroom but im just worried that he doesnt want me as much as these pornstars! when i mean he watches it, i mean every day. its getting to the point where i wonder if hes thinking of them when he should be thinking of me during sex. i dont feel comfertable in my own body. im trying to make myself look like them more by dieting and shaving. dont get me wrong if he knew i was so upset about this he would be devestated.please help i am begining to have no self confidence in the bedroom because im nothing like these womenthanks!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Female porn stars are prostitutes who are getting paid to pretend they like having sex with male prostitute actors. Geniunely wonderful sex is as closely related to porn as plastic is to chicken. Most men who are hopeless in bed are like that because they learnt their techniques from porn, and noone has ever told them otherwise. Pornography is about control and power, and that's what people get off on. Porn is also lazy, users of porn can pretend they are something or someone they are not, they don't have to interact or care or try. It's just exploitative using.
It's normal for porn to titivate people, we are after all animals, but it's not real. If the boundraies are blurring then you are in for a rubbish sex life, and you are already experincing the confusion which arises from fake/real. Porn sex is like junk food, stuff your face, get fat, etc etc. Real passionate hot love making which people who listen to each other's bodies enjoy, is so so much better, and it evolves and improves and changes and satisfies your soul.
Dump the junk!!
A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 May 2010): Trust me, being an actual porn star is a disgusting business; I used to be one. Guys have these false impressions that these women actually enjoy these acts. Many of them fool themselves into believing it, especially the ones who stay in the business, but it's a truly sad existence for women and it's all about money. And as far as looks, don't try to look like one; it's very unhealthy. And the chicks who regularly do anal scenes, that's the most unhealthy. (Not that I don't like anal - but not the way porn betrays it.) When I was working out there, I had 2-3 scenes per week - nearly all anal. So I couldn't eat and was frequently cleaning myself out before shoots. My digestive system was messed up for nearly a year after I left the business. Most of the positions were uncomfortable and unrealistic for pleasurable sex. It's one big show - a fabrication and bastardization of the beauty of sex. It's a meat market and it's delivered to anyone who has the internet and it perpetuates unrealistic sexual expectations, misogyny and disrespect towards women. I don't think it should be banned, but the structure and expectations in the business prevent it from having a woman's perspective, at least most of the time. There are a few female directors who've taken control of their niche. I think the biggest problem in porn is that it creates a disconnection from the intimacy of the immediate experience in sex. Men begin focusing only on lust and eventually start developing pathological behaviors that turn into neglect, disassociation, manipulation and objectification. How to deal with it...well, communicate what makes you feel comfortable and uncomfortable about it and ask him why he's so attracted to it, beyond the fantasy. Obsessions and addictions cause distortions in reality, so if that's a problem, deal with it now before it gets out of hand.
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A
female
reader, laetitia  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 I wouldn't worry about it too much. Almost every guy/bf watches porn even if they have a great gf in bed. It doesn't mean that he's going to leave you and go look for a porn star. It doesn't mean that he's going to leave you for a porn star. It could be that he has a high sex drive, but he feels that he can't ask you for it ALL the time and is therefor looking for a way to relieve himself.
Remember you are the lady and that he should be the one trying to impress and satisfy you in bed.
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A
female
reader, rainbowmaker +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Hi sweetie. The thing is, its quite normal for young men to watch porn and even maybe to fantasise about something else while he's with you. Probably not something any of us really wants to hear, but its true! Where i see the real problem here though is the fact that you say that you are trying to diet among other things to try and make him want you more. I know its sometimes hard to believe but men dont really care what you look like when your having sex. The point is, he is with you and has been for 8 months so he obviously likes what he sees! Please dont try and change yourself to look like these woman that simply arent real! I mean that in the sense that all they do is constantly diet because its they're job! Besides seriously, when have you ever had sex like they do in the movies? It just doesnt happen like that! Myself and my partner often joke that if we were to make a porn movie it would be more like a carry on film! I do strongly suggest you speak to your boyfriend about his porn marathons and let him know how it makes you feel. Communication! Honestly, its what makes a relationship work and keeps the sex good. If he doesnt understand or wont give up the porn, then honey let him carry on watching it and go and find yourself someone who understands you better and leave him with his dvds for company.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): Porn isn't reality..not even close, so don't lower yourself to worry about it. If he wants to lower himself, let him do it, but it doesn't mean he'll start cheating on you, or comparing you to the pornstars, as you are. You should concentrate on how you don't want to be like them, and how much more class you have, and that he's obviously not going to do anything more with them than watch it because they lack the same class in real life. It's a phase he'll snap out of one day on his own, and even if he doesn't, he's better off fantasizing over it than going out and looking to cheat in real life. Alot of people are under the assumption that it leads to wanting to cheat, when in fact the more times someone watches porn the more desensitized they are to sexually because they've literally brought themselves to a boredom, like watching a regular movie over and over and over again. So you're actually more likely not to be cheated on, and he'll find you his only partner he is not bored of and wants more from. If you want to deter him from continuing to watch it, just let him know that it's a fact that he'll eventually be less and less horny and turned on the more he exposes himself to porn in the long run because that's what happens when you've over-exposed yourself to something in any form... you get completely tired and bored of it, especially if he's not taking part in it and only watching it go on.
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Talk to your boyfriend about it?
First off there's a few things I must get off my chest. Real women are not porn stars, and you are doing yourself a huge misfavour by comparing yourself to them. If your boyriend is a good decent guy (I bet that he is) he is NOT comparing you to pornstars. And yoru problem isn't really that he is comparing, the problem is that YOU are comparing. You are perhaps jealous?
Now to my next point: any woman would be jealous of whatever it is their boyfriend decides to spend more time on, and give more attention too, than to their gf's. If your boyfriend was a gaming addict you'd not compare yourself to an elf in WoW exactly, but I guarantee it'd still be an issue.
I think that what you need is to see less of this porn, and hear less about it. If he wants to watch it, fine, lots of people in the world do. As long as he is still an active person, not locked in his room, he has a life and he has a sex life with you, then the porn isn't an issue. As long as he can balance porn and life then he isn't addicted to it. And if he isn't addicted then things are fine. You just don't want to hear about it, see it, or know about it.
So what about you tell him that it is ok for him to watch porn, but you dislike hearing about it. And you certainly will not have yourself compared to a porn star, so you wont have any mentioning of them. He can talk to his guy friends about them if he pleases, but not to you.
I guess it's like with me and my guys's ex's. I know they were in his life, and I don't even mind seeing pictures of them. Do I want to hear about his relationship with them, or how they were in bed? Absolutely not. And pity my boyfriend if he ever tries to compare the sex he has with me with the sex he had with them. I think these cases might be similar, except that when I get pissed off if I sense a comparison, you get insecure.
But try to remember that porn stars aren't a real ex of his, he never was with them in real life, and they are nothing but a fantasy. You're the one he wants! If he wanted someone who is a porn star he'd set off to date a porn star. But most guys do not want to share their woman with the rest of the world, so Im fairly positive your guy would not at all want to date a porn star. He wants you!
So tell him the porn upsets you and that you never want to hear or see the porn again.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): Its kind of normal for a guy that young to do that. It's can become sort of an addiction thought. So you have to tell him how you feel. Tell him you don't mind that he watches it, but that you're starting to feel that he enjoys that more than you?
He will tell you that its not true that he loves you more. And I'm sure he does, it's hard to explain. He's a lucky guy for getting sex every day. I know all girls aren't like that. And you suggested anal? wow. But some guys believe it or not, don't get that worked up about it.
Good luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 May 2010): You have to talk to him. If he'd be devestated about it then it means he cares about you and you know what would be worse than telling him how it's effecting you? That's right not telling him when there's something seriously wrong so he can fix it.
Talk to him about it and say what you said here, tell him how it's effecting you and ask him how he feels about these women. I watch porn but I don't watch it everyday and I make sure when I do use it that it's not near a time when my girlfriend might want sex.
There's also the possibility that your rampant sex life is beginning to slow down a bit naturally, my girlfriend and I were the same in our first year, we'd have sex everywhere and anywhere we could all the time but that dissipates we still get sexy everyday but not always full blown sex. Some nights we'll just hold each other and talk now instead.
Just talk to him and tell him how you feel, find out how he feels. It's that simple.
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A
male
reader, IHateWomanBeaters  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 A relationship is based off of trust and communication.
If you cannot communicate, then you have nothing as far as a relationship is concerned.
Also, you know nothing of how to diet, so if you insist on dieting, how about you talk to a doctor.
If you want to "look like a pornstar" you would have to do strength training and cardio routines as well.
Point being is going the communication route is better, especially at such a young age.
At 17, you shouldn't really be dieting etc. What you should be doing is eating healthy.
Talk to a doctor about the ratio of fats-carbs-proteins and follow their advice.
Take Aways-
1. Do not diet without consulting a doctor (personal trainer and fitness consultant here)
2. Communication is KEY to the relationship.
TALK TO HIM
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Men don't usually want to be with pornstars. Sure, they may look nice, but I wouldn't want to be with someone who gets paid to put their bodies through what they do daily. I want a girl who is respectable but willing to get nasty like a pornstar, if that makes any sense.
Porn has a bit of a desensitizing effect on people. It's likely that is why he didn't freak out when you asked for anal. He is with you, not the pornstars. There is a reason for that. Do the grooming things for yourself, not him. Don't try to live up to a false ideal. Be yourself, that's who he is with. Communicate with him how this makes you feel, and the issues it is causing for you. His reaction will tell you if he is a keeper or not.
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