A
female
age
36-40,
*riella_Spears
writes:I am engaged to a man who is very good to me, I'll call him Dan. When I say jump, he says how high and he will do it right away. Part of the reason I feel like I am growing away from him is because of a few things: 1) I will always make more money than him 2) his family just doesn't interact. Like, they see eachother often, but they don't seem to know much about eachother other. Being from a large sicilian family, I feel cohesive families are important to me. 3) he has a habit i hate, which for legal reasons I do not want to publish and 4) he is not very confident.I love to dance, its one of my favourite things.. and he just doesn't. He tries, I must admit, but only after FORCING him to get up and basically holding his hands while he just bobs up and down on the dance floor. Getting married to him worries me, because I want my family to be close - I want my children to enjoy things in life and enjoy eachother's company. I am afraid that he will impact them and turn them into miserable sarcastic little things. The part two of this is that there is someone else I have been in love with for years...let's call him Stan. The stupid thing is, I only got the nerve to tell him after I got engaged. And of course as it turned out he loves me too. we talked about it a little bit, and I had left dan and was off to visit stan. When I am not sure what happened, but i broke into tears called dan and asked him to take me back. Stan was heartbrokend and he ignored me for weeks. I think I need stan back. Everything reminds me of him, we were even dance partners for 8 years at a local dance school. I think his confidence and his love of life and dance (and my love of his parents) appeals to me. I am just not sure what to do. I dont want to hurt stan nor dan. Dan will not understand, I know he won't, and there is really nothing wrong with him relationship-wise. actually, he is the best man i have ever dated. I am so lost.
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female
reader, Cheeks  +, writes (7 May 2010):
 You say Dan is great to you & is the best man you've ever been with- then I think he deserves enough respect from you to not betray & decieve him by forming a new relationship with another man behind his back. Break up with him full & clear first. And if this Stan dude really loves you then he should have enough respect for the situation (& Dan) too & back off until you have ended your relationship with Dan and are free to begin a new one with him- and you'll have nothing to be ashamed that way. Good luck to you although my thoughts are with "Dan". I hope he finds someone who's on the same page as him & who can appreciate that he's not exactly like her in everyway.
A
female
reader, purple_butterfly +, writes (5 May 2010):
I think the best thing to do would be to leave Dan first of all because you are going to be unhappy with him. Second thing you should do is take 2-3 weeks off, relax and enjoy. Then meet up with Stan once you have given everything a thought and see if it is still going to work. If not, then leave them both.
It is very important to take some time off for yourself. Just dont do something big like marriage that you have already started regretting.
I hope you feel better.
I hope you get the strength to do what is right.
Cheers
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (5 May 2010):
 Don't you wish you had a magic wand and was able to put these two different man all in one package,yup, but you don't have a wand or a fairy godmother so the best thing to do is leave them both and find the right one. You are going to be miserable and your going to make Dan miserable so don't marry him, save him the heartache, if Stan would have been the one you wouldn't doubt leaving Dan for him so he has to go too. Your solution is to be alone and with time you will find your perfect guy, meaning all in one.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (5 May 2010):
 I read a quotation once that said "Don't marry someone who you can live with, marry someone who you can't live without." It sounds like Dan is someone who you can live without. It would only be fair to him for you to end it because you obviously aren't as into this relationship as he is. Please don't string him along further.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (5 May 2010):
 TimmD is right (he usually is :)).
There's nothing wrong with Dan and there's nothing wrong with Stan, but it's not a matter of right or wrong.
It's a matter of assessing clearly your priorities, what's really your heart's deisre,what makes you tick.
Dance is very important to you ? Then you need to be with a dancer.
A big cohesive family is a major value for you ? Then get a partner who has one.
You have to find out what are the non-negotiable for you, the things you can't do without.
I think nobody can expect to ever find out a soulmate who fits each and any of their requirements,wants and needs, but you have to know what you can compromise about and what you can't.
Back to Dan- don't marry him if you have doubts. Out of respect. He sounds like a good guy and deserves someone who loves him for what he is.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (5 May 2010):
I agree with the male post below. I think neither man is right for you, and I think you're being a bit cruel in playing both these men. Dan's not the problem. He's trying to be a good guy. But he's just not the one for you at all, because you have so little in common. Also, if he was the guy you wouldn't be cheating. Stan is also not the guy, because if he was you would have left Dan for him. You need to get away from both men and focus on what you really want from your life. Don't consider marrying Dan, because he will end up hurt later down the line. And Stan's not the guy either. Spend time alone and focus on what you want.
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (5 May 2010):
 I'm sorry to say, but part of the problem is you. You cannot keep flip-flopping between the two men. You are engaged, but you are not married. First, do not marry this man if you have any doubts. It's that simple. In the end it'll be easier for on him to end it before the marriage rather than after.
It doesn't seem like "Dan" is doing anything specifically wrong. While he appears to be a great guy, he doesn't exactly seem like the type of guy you are looking for. (family, dancing, etc)
I'm not saying "Stan" is the guy you should be with either, I'm just saying you owe it to Dan to be completely honest with him. Don't just marry him because he's nice to you, marry him because you love him and want to spend the rest of your life with him. If you can't do that, than DON'T.
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