A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: When I was in school I was on the swim team. We had an away meet which was the regional meet so the school put us up in a hotel. This wasn't chapperoned very well and I went to the room of some girls from a school that was from a rival school in my home town. I knew them from other meets. I couldn't believe what happened next. I had sex with three girls that night in their hotel room. One of them I had never even met. After the meet I never saw any of them again or so I thought. Some years had past and I moved onto the other side of town and made friends with people there. I married my best friend's sister. After we had been married for a few years my best friend who is now my brother in law started going out again with a former girl friend. They already had a child together. After a few years of dating again. Those two got married. As you may have guessed his wife is one of the girls from the hotel room all those years ago. In all these years of being reacaquainted with her I did not know who she was. I didn't even recognise her. It was dark and she gained a little weight when I saw her again. She has been married to him for 12 years. The four of us us have been best friends and have gotten along great. Only last week she came to me and told me who she was. I was floored but even worse she told me that I was the father of who I thought was my nephew. I was in shock and I asked her how she could do that to my brother in law who thought he was his all these years. She said she was a young girl who was scared and he came from a family who was financially stable and I was just a poor kid with no prospects. Just a mistake and nothing but a memory. She said she was thinking of the baby. I just think that this is wrong. I don't like keeping secrets from my wife either and she begged me not to tell her husband. I asked her why she decided to tell me all these years later and she said that it was guilt. I feel lucky that I did get to see my son grow up. I feel very cheated because he has never known me as his Daddy. My brother in law is Daddy. At least we have a strong bond together. So who has a right to know the truth? Should my son be told that I am really his father? My wife and I have always had an agreement. We were both sexually active before we met and agreed that we would let the other one know if we were around someone the other one slept with. Do I need to tell her? My brother in law and best friend. How can I tell him this? My sister in law has begged me not to say anything. One final thing. As hard as this may be to beilieve that night in the hotel room was the very first time I had sex. With three girls, yeah every guy's dream right? I didn't have sex after that for a few years. I felt guilty and very ashamed of myself. I have only been with eight women in my lifetime. As hard as this may be to believe my sister in law was a virgin. I believe her. She didn't want her boyfriend(her husband now) to think less of her and she wanted sex. When she out of town she took advantage of the situation where no one would know. Evidently she missed her period and had sex with my brother in law as soon as she found out and as far as him losing respect for her goes, I don't know what's going to happen or what I'm going to do.
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best friend, lost my virginity, period, sister in law Reply to this Question
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Dear poster, did you read up on paternity fraud? Your dear brother in law can, if you are prooved to be this young mans father, sue you for a lot of money. You can also sue your sister in law for this. I suggest you contact a lawyer and get some information about where this could all take you so you are prepared. You never know if your sister in law suddenly decides to break the news to her husband, and then all hell can break loose.
As for the young man, he is old enough to know the truth. But do not say anything to him before you have some evidence. Without you knowing, like we said before, the father might just be someone completely different whom your siste in law just hasn't dug up yet. Get a DNA test. I believe those can be done wihout anyone's knowledge or consultation.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 May 2010): Here I am the op. No I'm not a troll. Yes it all sounds weird. I haven't been online because I work for a living. I will do my best to explain it.
My sister in law was dating my brother in law in school. She came from a religious background and actually liked him. She was convinced that if a girl had sex with a guy that if they weren't married the guy would not respect her. She wanted sex so she took advantage of being out of town where she thought no one would find out about her having sex. She and my brother in law weren't getting along at the time so I guess that made it easier for her. If her virginity sounds inconsistent all I can say is that I agree but she is the one making that claim. I believe her.
I told my wife about all this. She says that she doesn't know what to do, what to think, or what to say.
I posted this anonymously because I really don't want the world knowing my family business. I did take a little liberty fudging some dates. All I want to say is that my is in his early 20's.
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A
male
reader, True +, writes (15 May 2010):
This is sorta weird... did your brother in law hook up with her w/i the year of conception when she didnt even look pregnant because that seems strange that he would be able to know if a chick was pregnant ... well all considering that he was your friend at that time and if so you should be able to know who he was dating right?
This sounds little wierd
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (14 May 2010):
 The kid in this question is now over 20, based on the poster's age. So support is no longer at issue.
I'm a bit surprised the poster hasn't followed up.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 May 2010): If I was in the kid's shoes, I would want to know.
Honestly - can anyone else say they wouldn't wanna hear the truth? Especially since the real father is already a familiar person to the child?
Good marriage, bad marriage, whatever. The main point of keeping the peace in this marriage is for the child's best interest, right? But keeping the peace stops being worth anything when it comes at the expense of the child's best interest.
This child is walking around being fooled about HALF OF HIS GENETIC CODE. And the real father is someone he KNOWS. Maybe telling him won't be pretty, but sooner or later he as a right to know. Don't let this kid live this illusion for another 10 years.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 May 2010):
This is called paternity fraud and the OP is not a sperm donor. He's been robbed of the chance to be a father to this boy, and his brother-in-law has been robbed as well, both of his money and of his son. Laws concerning paternity fraud vary from state to state, country to country, but in many instances it is illegal.
Read up on this site to begin with:
http://www.paternityfraud.com/
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (13 May 2010):
 After telling his wife...he should go to his sister-in-law, and tell her he wants a paternity test...they can do that without the brother-in-laws consent I believe.
Marieclaire...
You are right the boy should be the main concern here...but if ever there should be a medical emergency, the truth may have to come out! It seems wise to me that a DNA test should be done without the knowledge of the son or father (who raised him!)
And Q...I also agree with you, she may be a drama queen and has made up this whole thing (other than the swim meet and the sex) That is why I still believe in the DNA test and the "sperm donor" right to know the truth! After all he had no say in whether he would raise his child! Did he???
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (13 May 2010):
Reply to Anonymous Male: That is why the DNA test us essential!!
She claims that in the beginning she wanted what was best for the baby....well, what about her son NOW! This will send him into a tailspin that could last the rest of his life.
The only reason this lie should have been brought to light, is if it was a medical emergency involving the son! That is the only Reason!! And I agree that the o.p. must be lookin pretty good to her now!
~BG~
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): Yeah BG. She wanted the kid to be raised by a guy that wasn't the father until she figured out the first guy wasn't so bad after all. Who's to say it's not all a big whopping lie just to stir up a bunch of drama.
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A
female
reader, Brooklyngirl +, writes (13 May 2010):
Tell your wife upfront as Q suggested! Then, the two of you can work on what comes next! A DNA test is a must!
I don't know what the results will be on the other end...after all, she admitted she made a conscious decision to deceive her now husband. Because he had more money??? She should feel guilty! She is guilty!! And now, she comes to you with this information...what is she to gain by this??? With deception of this magnitude...she should've taken it to the grave with her!!
I don't envy your position right now. God! I can't help but worry about the fall-out from her "easing her conscience!"
Having said that...yes, tell your wife NOW!
Good Luck!!!!!!!!
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 May 2010):
The other thing that sounds odd is that she claims she wanted sex--she had her boyfriend to have sex with. This isn't adding up for me.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): I think Tisha-1 should become a lawyer. Troll post!
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (13 May 2010):
She begged you not to tell, that doesnt pin you down in any way. You have no obligation to do as she says. She has lied and deceived you and your brother-in-law. A part of it is your own fault, for not using protection. But she should have told YOU as soon as she realized she was pregnant. You have every right to claim fathership of this child. But if you so do, realize that you are tearing apart families. However, I feel strongly that you should be honest with your wife. It is to HER you have your loyalty, not with the wife of your brother-in-law.
I am all for honesty here. Perhaps your brother-in-law can adopt the child as his own, I think that would be best down the line. But, evaluate how your brother-in-law will react. What will he do? Will he abandon the little boy? Will the boys mother leave? Will they be separated and divorced? Or will they work things out?
You can and should tell your wife. But not your brother-in-law. His wife should tell him herself.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (13 May 2010):
I'm a little confused. So she sleeps with you in the dark in a hotel room, gets pregnant. Misses her period, sleeps with BIL-to-be, convinces him he's the father.
THEN they break up. For how long? I mean, how long between the baby and when they start dating again? How old were they and how old were you?
THEN they start dating again? And get married?
That's confusing to me. So at that point, she hadn't had sex with anyone, wants to stay a virgin, but suddenly decides to have sex with you and two other girls in the dark in a hotel room? With no contraception, obviously.
That's pretty flamboyant behavior for a virginal girl.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): She said she was thinking of the baby? Oh bullshit!
She was thinking of herself. She didn't have to lie originally and all this mess is because of it.
She stole your child from you, denied him a relationship with his father, and stole the child support & love of her husband. (Would he have even wanted to stay with her & marry her all those years ago if he didn't think he had a child with her? We'll never know, will we?) All because she thought the real father of her child was sexy enough to fuck (instead of losing it to her boyfriend) but not rich enough for her liking to settle down with. That's purely selfish to the bone.
Maybe it was just a young mistake, but the consequences didn't stop with her and they didn't stop 17 years ago.
I don't even know what to tell you now. There's no way out of this that doesn't make a mess.
Maybe just tell your son eventually when he's an adult. He has a right to know, although telling him when he's 16 or 17 is probably a pretty bad time to first hear it. I don't know what else to suggest. I think eventually the truth tends to come out.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (13 May 2010):
 First thing to do is a DNA test on your son / nephew. Just get a strand of his hair or similar, you can send it off with one of yours and get a test done easily. Be sure before you do anything else.
Once you know... it's hard to say. In your shoes I would tell my wife, and then your brother in law. But only you can make the decision. I would expect that this will come out eventually anyway, so at least by saying so now you are not hiding the truth.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (13 May 2010):
 How nice of her to share her guilt with you! It wasn't enough that she had to carry around a lie SHE chose to create, now you have to bear the burden, too.
Seriously, you have no way of knowing for sure that your nephew is your son. Have you ever thought that he resembled you? Has anyone else commented on how much he resembled you?
Whether or not the kid is yours, your loyalty is to your wife. Not your SIL. Not your BIL. If your SIL's marriage falls apart because of her lie, that's the consequence she has to accept. Don't jeopardize your own marriage by protecting her and lying to your spouse.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 May 2010):
 Wow, this kind of thing can tear families apart. The truth may set you free in more ways than one. For starters though, you may want to do an incognito paternity test just to be sure before dropping this bombshell on your families.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): Its a tough situation but before you rush into any decisions, i would suggest thinking ALOT first. I think kid has a right to know who you are but considering he is still at a tender age, i would personally wait until he is 18 thus hopefully he may be mature enough to hand it. Hmmm, talk it out more with the brother in laws wife too ... maybe go to a lawyer and look into your rights etc.
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A
female
reader, Allae +, writes (13 May 2010):
 This certainly does sound very complex, and i think there are a lot of components of this that need to be dealt with. I would actually recommend talking to a counselor or a trusted friend. You'd be surprised at how much better you'll feel just telling someone everything. :)
Good luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): Your loyalty must be to your wife. Otherwise over time this secret will come between you. You should not have a secret (especially a sexually related one) with another woman that you see/communicate with regularly. Who knows how this may come out, but things usually do! This was all before you married, so you have done nothing wrong (yet, which is why you need to tell her!). She may feel a bit threatened or uncomfortable, so give her some extra love and remind her that you are happily married to her. The fallout with your child's father, your brother-in-law, etc can be dealt with. Not telling your wife may cause permanent damage to your primary relationship. Your child's mother will have to deal with the choices that she made. I implore you to make the right choice now, while you still can.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 May 2010): Talk to ur wife it was in the past all of u should understand the past was the past. And make sure ur wife and bro in law know for a fact that you two dnt have nothing going on now they might think you two been together and try and work things out ur son should know who's the father get a dna test.
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