A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:dear cupid,i feel so disgusted. this morning i went online to listen to music and as i was typing visited porn sites started appearing in the browser. i love my boyfriend, weve been together for 3 years, recently moved in together. hes always been a gentleman, opening my doors, always very respectful. now that we are living together hes always helping me with household chores, etc.i went to the history and found so much porn, i clicked on a link to see what he had been looking at and i feel so disgusted. it made me feel like i wasnt good enough. and to make it worse in the searches he typed really degrading names to women and one of the searches said "free sex". this is NOT the image of my boyfriend ive had for the past 3 years.please, how do i go about this?
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female
reader, nothing.lasts.and.nothing's.lost  +, writes (27 May 2010):
 To the comment below that really was well said! Just another thing to add to this topic, to anyone who has a boyfriend that watches porn and looks at lads mags etc.. you have to see the sad but amusing side to it, that men can only wank over plastic surgery patients. Fake boobs, liposuction and so on. All these girls have been insecure enough to mutilate their bodies with silicone and operations, and men sit their getting off to them, It truely is sad. I remember when my ex, who was always looking at lads mags, I once told him that, I laughed when ever an advert for plastic surgery came on television, and he'd say "can you believe they advertise plastic surgery?" And I replied, "Haha! Yeh, you're part the reason they do, you and many other men who lust over fake women, all the women you fantasize about are patients of plastic surgery." That put him to holt! As horrible as it all is, it's just sad how a lot of men are such losers, hunt for the nice one's they exist but they are rather rare :)
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (26 May 2010): Hi FolksI've plaguerised this from 2004 because I thought the response was sooooo brilliant. This sums it up entirely. I was very interested in what dirtball said about perhaps your man feels ashamed - if he does, then as the poster wrote in 2004, you feel like this because you know what you are doing is WRONG!!!!! The feelings of guilt and shame are very negative emotions and if you feel this, then don't go looking at porn. If you continually ignore negative emotions then this is bound to have an effect on thoughts/feelings - they are all interlinked. Read below anyway - it is BRILLIANTLY written by an anonymous lady. "Porn sucks. No pun intended. It ruins relationships and the confidence of women around the world. To all the girlfriends who have had to deal with this ridiculous and disgusting "habit" of men I say be true to yourself and God always. Men clearly can't understand how badly this impacts our lives or they might think twice before carelessly indulging. I encourage you to throw what I have to say in the face of any a-hole who tries to convince you that routinely looking at porn is a completely normal behavior. The porn industry and our society which is in a severe moral decline has convinced these guys that it is okay and natural to look at porn. Most men will admit that they feel a little guilty looking at it, guess what men? That's because it's wrong.I'm sure you are familiar with the phrase, "all guys look at porn." That my friends is entirely incorrect. There are many guys that will either give it up to keep his real woman and guys smart enough to know that it is not normal, immoral, and actually pretty twisted when you put it into perspective. Allow me:When a porn production is getting off the ground it goes a little something like this. Typically some drug abusing slime ball porn director will contact "his people" to get actors and actresses booked for a movie. The young uneducated and insecure pornography "actress" will get the call, take whatever mind altering drugs she can get her hands on, and make arrangements to have her private areas bleached and waxed. She might even need to visit her on-call Gynecologist to treat her vaginal warts or gonorrhea before the shoot, after all, they have mostly unprotected sex in porn. I guess what I am trying to say is, you need not be envious of these girls in porn. They are typically pretty messed up in the head, you have to be to have sex on camera and sell your body. Which is NOT a natural or normal behavior and watching this insecure dumbass girl who makes horrible decisions sell her body on camera is NOT natural either! So here's the really sad part, these girls really only have careers from age 18-25 and there are soooo many out there, only a few of the bunch really make it big. Most of these girls are just ruining their lives and self worth and these bastard guys who just use their images for fifteen minutes of pleasure and then move on to something more disgusting, are perpetuating the very reason we are looked at as the weaker and less intelligent gender. So we the normal women dislike the female porn stars because they make us all look weak. Believe me, most of these women get punished ten fold for their idiotic decisions. Have you ever had a one night stand? I can tell you if not, it usually leaves you feeling empty and almost like you lost a piece of your heart. I would not be surprised if that were the case for most of these girls after each of their sexual encounters and hate themselves or mask the embarrassment and guilt of being a gnarly whore with drugs.There was a girl who made a porn who went to my high school and although many men who did not know her may have whacked it to her images online, in real life she was looked at as a disgusting slut and was branded that way to this day almost 9 years later. All anyone ever talked about from then on when her name came up was her hairy ass.She's probably a waitress at Denny's now and regrets that decision more than anything. So here's the solution, if you don't want your man's porn habit to make you feel bad, leave his ass. I can testify, there are different degrees of porn addiction and when it is really bad there is no use trying and a mild case can be easily corrected with a relationship ending ultimatum.More importantly, be nice to other girls. All the time. Even if they are much better looking than you. When we reject other women due to our own insecurities they turn to men for friends. It is men who manipulate these young girls into porn. Find value in your mind and heart not only what is on the outside even though that's what society wants, and try to find a partner who looks for the same. It is a huge world out there. In America, we only make up about 5% of the total world's population. Don't get stuck with some creep just because you don't want to be alone. Anything that's worth anything ever comes easy in this life. Being alone is hard, but meeting someone who will respect you and treat you well is worth waiting for"
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A
male
reader, RyanS +, writes (20 May 2010):
 Hey, all men either watch porn once in while or would love to watch if they got a chance. Women who feel proud that they have managed to cut-off liking for porn from a guy's mind are kidding themselves.
Its okay. Your gentleman also has a live set of testosterone producing units below and the male brain does want to checkout a wide range of women if possible. Before you scream infidelity, its not that.
Men learn a lot from porn.
Porn (without addition) makes a guy feel more sexy, and ultimately you are the one who will benefit with a more interested partner who wants to be better.
It won't impact your relationship as long as you try to please him in bed (like any gf would do). If you are a passive girl (there are some like that) then there is risk because you are not making the effort.
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Do you have to accept porn? No. Will he stop watching if you don't want to accept it? Probably not. This is an extremely touchy issue for most people and it's becoming more prevalent. I suggest you bring it up in a non-accusing way, not by mentioning you found it, just by asking about whether he watches to see what he does. If he lies, then you can tell him you found it, but be prepared that once they know you're bothered most guys will just be more careful to delete their history. I know it sucks, but you basically have to dig deep and figure out if this is something you can live with or not. If it's not you're probably going to have to find a different boyfriend since men are taught it's their right to view porn. Sometimes it helps women make men understand so they can come to a compromise if you go through the pornography section of this website and pick out questions that you think have great answers and questions that really express the hurt and show him those. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 May 2010):
 Here's a hint, he's not likely to stop looking at it. It doesn't matter how you feel about it. He may tell you he's stopped, but he won't. You have to decide if this is something you can accept or not. But here's another little insight, pretty much EVERY guy does the same thing. I'm not exaggerating. By banning it from him you'll be inviting lies. You make it forbidden fruit...
He sounds like a great guy. Maybe he's a bit ashamed of himself for what he looks and that is a good sign, because that means he has normal emotions. Ultimately you have to talk to him about it, but be prepared for him to get defensive. He is likely not comparing you to the people in the videos, they are tools to help an orgasm, nothing more. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, nothing.lasts.and.nothing's.lost +, writes (19 May 2010):
Horrible, I know, I've been there. I was with my boyfriend for two years and he told me how anti porn he was then I discovered that lie was a cover up for an addiction. My self esteem was too crushed to save the relationship so I had to break up with him and move on. The simple fact is, whether you get people telling you how insecure you are and that all men do it blah blah blah, you cannot, be in a relationship with someone that you don't feel good enough for. It's ridiculous to be expected not to compare yourself to the glorified women men look at, of course you're bound to. It's a tricky situation, but I think after a while you have to go with your gut instinct. There's different things you can do, you could confront him about it, tell him he is not allowed to watch porn in your relationship. It is very within your rights do do this, i'm sure if you were doing something that made him upset you would cut it out to save the relationship. You could also (and this may sound very childish) keep your cool, don't let on that you know, and look at loads of muscly men with large dicks, let him find it and see how he reacts. If he knows what it's like to find that you've been looking at other men, and how it can effect one's self esteem, maybe then it will be a wake up call and he'll change. I'm only suggesting this because it worked for me, I did this to my ex and he got upset and thought I wasn't attracted to him, I wanted him to feel the way he made me feel and that sounds bitter, but hey it shown him! Ultimatly, you have to be happy and no matter what people say, men that don't look at porn do exist, I have one now and couldn't be happier, I know he doesn't 100% and I won't say how but I do, just before anyone tells me otherwise! Before you confront him do think about perhaps giving him a taste of his own medicine, it can be effective.
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A
female
reader, brklynsis81 +, writes (19 May 2010):
 I suggest, as a first step, sorting out your feelings about this. Is porn a deal-breaker for you? Like, is it ok with you if he looks at porn occaisionally and you would rather just not know about it? Or do you prefer he not look at porn at all?
I understand that catching him in this is a little confusing, but I think it's important for you to have a really strong feeling about your own personal stance on pornography. Once you do, you need to go talk to him about it.
If you decide that occaisional porn use is ok - you can approach him like this: "I couldn't help but notice, not some, but many sexually suggestive websites you've visited on our computer. What you do in your spare time is your business, but I would appreciate it if you could keep it to a minimum and at least erase our internet history afterwards. Knowing that you visit these sites hurts my feelings and makes me feel insecure, so I would rather not know."
If you decide in the end that it's completely unacceptable - you need to at least give him the opportunity to explain, and then lay down the law. You may want to tell him that you plan to install tracking software so you can see the sites he visits.
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