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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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My husband feels more like a friend to me than a lover, and now I have met someone else....
Q. I am 31 and have been married for 7-years. Our relationship is good – we talk, laugh and generally get on well. The problem is that I feel we are more friends than lovers and for the last 4-years we have not had sex. 6-weeks ago, I met another man ...
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One night romance with co-worker gone bad.....
Q. I have an office mate. He is my crush and I did everything so that he will knew it. One night. He invited me to join clubbing with his friends. After that, he took me back to my place. He wanted to stay for a while so I let him. We started to ha...
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We want to have a three-some but we both have conditions
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I met his ex, and she's waay better looking than me
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I know that men look at porn so why does he claim not to? I'm not the jealous type.
Q. Why do guys lie about watching porn? My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and at the beginning of our relationship would look at it together quite a lot, usually just for fun (i.e. trying to find the weirdest stuff we could) but ...
A. 28 June 2010: Another question. Would it be better for him to lie to you and tell you the answer you want to hear? It sure as hell would be easier for him, so what's making him stick to his guns? Maybe it is the truth.... (read in full...)
My girlfriend hates my best friend!
Q. I have a friend who's 26 years old and likes to hang out with girls who are nearly 10 years his junior (i.e., girls who are still in high school). Aside from this oddity, he's a great guy. My girlfriend, however, is starting to have problems with ...
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I know that men look at porn so why does he claim not to? I'm not the jealous type.
Q. Why do guys lie about watching porn? My boyfriend and I have been together for several years and at the beginning of our relationship would look at it together quite a lot, usually just for fun (i.e. trying to find the weirdest stuff we could) but ...
A. 28 June 2010: Why do you insist he's lying? He is likely telling the truth. I look at porn, but if my gf and I were having lots of sex, then I'd look at it way less. If she gave me dirty pictures, I don't think I'd even bother with porn. It sounds like he's ... (read in full...)
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I have caught my girl cheating three times!
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A. 28 June 2010: Can't belive you came back after the first one... I'd be gone. She is not going to change. Don't believe her lies. Get out now before she gives you something you can't get rid of.... (read in full...)
Any men on DC who don't like porn?
Q. *OP's Original Title* Are there any men on DC who don't watch porn? Or never have? If so, why not? Ii'd like a tally please. I've only ever met one man who doesn't. ...
A. 28 June 2010: Yo mama...... (read in full...)
What is a better turn on for men?
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A. 28 June 2010: Yes.... (read in full...)
Any men on DC who don't like porn?
Q. *OP's Original Title* Are there any men on DC who don't watch porn? Or never have? If so, why not? Ii'd like a tally please. I've only ever met one man who doesn't. ...
A. 25 June 2010: I didn't post because I watch porn... I do it less if I'm in a relationship where I'm sexually satisfied. However, I've only ever had one gf who had a comparable sex drive. She actually started me watching porn. We used to watch it together. ... (read in full...)
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Last week he wanted to marry me, now he says he isn't happy!
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A. 25 June 2010: I don't think he made a mistake. Promise to change all you want, but I seriously doubt it will happen. You want to change because you want him back. If you get him back, your changes will become temporary, 99% of the time they are when we aren't ... (read in full...)
What's the point of giving him oral sex when he doesn't cum?
Q. Hey I asked a question before about being nervous of giving oral sex http://www.dearcupid.org/question/fear-of-fellatio.html Okay I got over my fear and gave him a blowjob last night. He had his eyes closed through out and was moaning. My fear...
A. 24 June 2010: In my experience, BJ's are usually foreplay, so I try not to cum during them. I've had a couple that were incredible and didn't orgasm. Nothing wrong with either of you, just go on exploring what you can with eachother.... (read in full...)
Last week he wanted to marry me, now he says he isn't happy!
Q. My boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me.We are both 25 years old.He has had a few long relationships but was never able to picture a future(marriage,kids) with them like he could with me.He LOVED discussing our future.He showed me every day how in ...
A. 24 June 2010: Constantly threatening to break up if something doesn't change is an evil MANIPULATION technique. You've gotten what you diserved and I hope he never comes back. If you are constantly trying to change him, then he isn't right for you. Likely your ... (read in full...)
Hiding my feelings for my friend is tearing our friendship apart!
Q. About a year ago, I moved to a new city to take part in a new training course. I knew no one and the nature of the course and my job makes it hard for me to meet new people. However I was fine because I struck up a really good friendship with a guy ...
A. 24 June 2010: I think the only way this is going to be better is if you tell him. I know it will be hard, and being in a similar situation, I can't bring myself to do it either. The advice I've been given was along these lines:
Nothing in life worth having c... (read in full...)
What happens in Las Vegas... Really... What's happening in Las Vegas?
Q. We have only been living together for 3 months, and I even moved across country to be with him, as we were long distance for a year and a half. So, one morning before he left (for a boy's weekend in Las Vegas), I walked the bedroom and heard him at ...
A. 24 June 2010: I think if he was cheating, he wouldn't have taken the condoms from a supply you share, he would have likely bought some while there so you never would find out. I think you're overreacting. Ultimately it boils down to trust. How much do you ... (read in full...)
Why is the porn argument so one-sided?
Q. Why is it that when a woman is hurt by porn use it's always about why she should change herself to accept it and how it's her fault that it bothers her and how basically, it's all about the sacrifices she needs to make to accommodate him? Why is it ...
A. 23 June 2010: Cerberus, the OP doesn't want our input, she just wants to argue. That's fine, if she thinks she is getting somewhere, but in reality it does nothing to change people's minds on the subject. The handful of people who have viewed this, may or may ... (read in full...)
Am I being too fussy?
Q. I could never date a non vegan, it doesn't matter how nice they are I just never could! Am I being ridiculous? Also why do people resent vegitarians and vegans? I have a few ideas why but would just like to know what you guys think!...
A. 23 June 2010: Here's where you've started people's resentment. "I just say 'oh I don't eat animal produce' and leave it at that." Why just not say, "No thank you?" I don't eat vegetables. When offered, I simply say, "No thanks, I'm not hungry." I don't say, ... (read in full...)
Am I being too fussy?
Q. I could never date a non vegan, it doesn't matter how nice they are I just never could! Am I being ridiculous? Also why do people resent vegitarians and vegans? I have a few ideas why but would just like to know what you guys think!...
A. 21 June 2010: I used to be pretty hippied out, and had lots of friends who were vegans or vegetarians. Never bothered me unless they tried to belittle my choice in food. I'm a firm believer in the "to each their own" theory of life. I resent anyone who tries ... (read in full...)
He's planning out our lives together and I'm only 18 yers old!
Q. I'm 18 years old and I have been in a relationship for a month and 1/2 now. I am going to be leaving for college soon while my boyfriend is gonna be back home. He will be going to college soon after my freshmen year but we are going to be attending ...
A. 21 June 2010: Leave him now and save both of you heartache. LDR's in college don't work. One of you will cheat. A month and a half is no where near enough time together to put yourself through that.
Break up with him. You'll both mature a lot over the next... (read in full...)
Why is being such a lazy lover? What can I do to improve our sex life?
Q. Hi there. Ive been in a serious relationship with my boyfriend for almost 2 years but pretty much the whole time ive felt really unwanted sexually by him. By no exaggesation, he has given me oral sex 3 times without me having to ask him, and then ...
A. 18 June 2010: My ex gf was just like your bf. We weren't sexually compatible. I always had to initiate. She never reciprocated oral. We had sex once every other month if I was lucky. No foreplay... I know, sounds familiar. It left me feeling very down ... (read in full...)
Are double standards ever fair?
Q. Here's one I think people might actually have strong opinions on.... Recently an old friend came back into my life. My boyfriend was thrilled for me when I told him, and was just as excited for me as I was since I REALLY enjoy their company. Y...
A. 18 June 2010: Thought I'd chime in with a male perspective for you. I agree with your BF about men befriending women. I've said it alot (read through some of my posts if you don't believe me). For most men that is indeed the case. They may never act on those ... (read in full...)
Why is the porn argument so one-sided?
Q. Why is it that when a woman is hurt by porn use it's always about why she should change herself to accept it and how it's her fault that it bothers her and how basically, it's all about the sacrifices she needs to make to accommodate him? Why is it ...
A. 18 June 2010: "She might as well feel threatened by my right hand." Well said Cerberus!
This argument never goes anywhere because everyone holds their own views. I find porn relatively harmless to most people, but that doesn't mean you do, or that you have... (read in full...)
My friend says I am a slut, but I think she's just jealous!
Q. ok first date i did hand job and let him finger me, but we are gonna be bf and gf (boyfriend and girlfriend). My friend said i am a slut but i think shes jealous because she doesnt have a bf. why wouldnt she be happy for me? I have never judged her ...
A. 16 June 2010: And don't for a second think that he hasn't told all his buddies about what happened. He has. If you want to admit it or not, you are still a kid. Boys your age are especially immature, almost worse then when they were in grade school. Sure ... (read in full...)
Is sex on a second date too soon from a guys point of view?
Q. Hi everyone, I just started talking to a guy who I met online about 2 months ago, and things are going great! We talked through e-mails for almost a month, and then he came to visit me and took me out, and we really hit it off and had a great time...
A. 16 June 2010: I agree with TimmD. The ammount of communication you've had greatly exceeds what most people have had by the second date. See where things go, but just let them happen. I know you'll probably want to tear eachother's cloths off, but take it slow. ... (read in full...)
It is hard to date when I have herpes
Q. i dunno what to do. well first off i have herpes. but no one knows not even my friends. so when i meet guys i sabotage things really quickly, before it can get to point where id have to tell him and hed be gone. so wherever i meet a guy, example we ...
A. 15 June 2010: There is an online dating website for people with herpies. When my brother's last GF gave him this STD, he was bound and determined to not spread it further. He met his current GF through this website and it is working out great. He has told me ... (read in full...)
My guy friend acts weird--does he like me?
Q. Hello, is there something my guy mate isnt telling me? A bit of background info....We don't talk a lot, there's a group of 4 of us that usually go out into town at night. He's always acted strange with me, he's known me for quite a while and he o...
A. 15 June 2010: Yeah, chances are he likes you and is weighing lots of stuff in his head. He sounds a bit like me. I have no problem when I'm in a group or something, but when I get time alone with a girl I like, I run out of things to say and get nervous and ... (read in full...)
Ex boyfriend saw me and ignored me, how can I get him to be civil? I'm so upset.
Q. so, saw my ex boyfriend at a bar we frequent, it's been about a month since we last spoke. and he completely ignored me and left within 5 minutes of me being there...it was a bad break up, he dumped me by text. i got mad, said some things, he said ...
A. 15 June 2010: I think you're being a little selfish. Why do you have to be cordial? I know, that's the right way to be. The "socially acceptible" response... Who cares? He is obviously not over everything that happened. It could be a closure issue, it could ... (read in full...)
How can I get him to give our relationship another chance?
Q. I am reposting this in hopes for a males perspective and honest advice! There were a few incidents in the beginning of our relationship where he flirted with others in my presence. On facebook there are pics of him and others, some are recent ...
A. 15 June 2010: With relationships I try to live by a simple rule; Never date someone more than once. If we date and break-up, that's it. The reason I made this rule is because of having a couple relationships where I was constantly giving her "one more chance." ... (read in full...)
He treats me like his girlfriend yet says he's not after a girlfriend at this time..? What's happening here?
Q. i recently started seeing this guy and he is absolutely amazing. he isn't like any other guy i've dated before. he doesn't expect me to pay all the time-the first time i offered to pay he wouldn't let me, and he opens doors for me. he says that hes ...
A. 11 June 2010: It might be best to tell him you feel like you're getting mixed signals. Say that your past experiences have led you to believe that when someone acts like this, they are usually looking for more. Sometimes the direct approach is best. If you ... (read in full...)
Struggling to give my boyfriend oral..
Q. How can I blowjob my boyfriend with out hurting him with my teeth and I can't get it all inside my mouth how can I get it all inside cause I feel I'm gonna vomit because its long ??...
A. 11 June 2010: Also, don't suck too hard, that can be extremely painful. Just ask him for some directions. I'm sure he'll be happy to tell you what he likes.... (read in full...)
Why is the porn argument so one-sided?
Q. Why is it that when a woman is hurt by porn use it's always about why she should change herself to accept it and how it's her fault that it bothers her and how basically, it's all about the sacrifices she needs to make to accommodate him? Why is it ...
A. 11 June 2010: I think you're making overly broad generalizations. If it bothers them, then you'll quit?!? Really? I think not. Like anything in life we enjoy, our selfish nature takes over. My friend's BF hates that she smokes. He takes her cigarettes away ... (read in full...)
He treats me like his girlfriend yet says he's not after a girlfriend at this time..? What's happening here?
Q. i recently started seeing this guy and he is absolutely amazing. he isn't like any other guy i've dated before. he doesn't expect me to pay all the time-the first time i offered to pay he wouldn't let me, and he opens doors for me. he says that hes ...
A. 11 June 2010: Yes, you should listen to what he says, not how he acts. He may in fact like you more than he lets on. It may be just like Dear Jilly said. Basically he has told you he doesn't want a relationship. While this could mean a couple of different ... (read in full...)
Why is the porn argument so one-sided?
Q. Why is it that when a woman is hurt by porn use it's always about why she should change herself to accept it and how it's her fault that it bothers her and how basically, it's all about the sacrifices she needs to make to accommodate him? Why is it ...
A. 11 June 2010: I'm not getting into this debate again, but I do want to address one thing. Women in porn are *far* from perfect. Most are pretty skanky. Most people, men and women, carry very negative self images. Knowing their significant other is aroused by ... (read in full...)
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