A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My 'work friend' is engaged getting married next year. He has a problem with his fiancee's past. She is still a virgin and wants to wait until they're married. He is fine with that, however, due to what she calls 'sexual pressure' by guys she has performed oral on a lot of guys. He doesn't know the exact amount, but he says it is around 30-40 guys. And he is very upset that he feels like every time they go out or go to a party, there might be some guy there that she has 'done that to (his words)'. I take it from the way he talks, she was very loose with giving away bj's. Like on the 1st or 2nd date.He asked how I deal with my wife's past. I told him, she was a virgin also, but only until we got engaged. But, she did date 2 guys long term (almost 1 year, and over 1 year). And she did this same thing (bj's) with those 2 guys. He says I have it made since my wife has only been 'kind-of' intimate with 2 guys. He is afraid that everywhere they go, there is some guy who his fiancee has seen his penis and it's driving him nuts.My opinion is, that I would take what my wife did over his fiancee everytime, but I can't tell him that. How do I reassure him that she was 'saving herself' for him, and this was just playing around on her part. They just need to avoid anywhere that maybe the kind of people she was with would hang out. I even suggested that they move a little further away. They both still live and plan on living in our small town. I think they could move when they get married about 15-20 mins away, and start hanging out/shopping there.What do you all think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): Purple Butterfly, you just made me laugh out loud when you alluded to the guy having an insecurity problem over this.
Insecurity isn't the only reason that someone might want to avoid thinking about stuff their partner has done. This girls habits are plain old repulsive.
This is about self-respect. You could erase all those memories from her and from everyone else in town. If I was her husband it would still bother me just as much. I find it very unattractive mentally.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (10 May 2010):
 That's a WHOLE lot of blow-jobs..... I don't get how people think they are PURE because they still have a hymen after THAT many blow-jobs.... That is pretty promiscuous.
*shrug* Not sure what to give as far as advice, other then to say.. he shouldn't marry her until he can look past her sexual past or.. not marry her at all.
ORAL sex or ANAL sex is still SEX........ No matter what.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): I'm amazed at all the people here defending the chick by saying she "made some mistakes." In what universe is blowing 40 or more different guys a considered a "mistake"?Caving to "sexual pressure" (OP's words) two or three times is a mistake. Sucking off 40 guys is a character flaw, and it's completely laughable that this girl still clings to the idea that she was "saving herself" for someone. For God's sake, 40 guys is two full hockey teams!OP, I suggest that instead of lying to your friend in order to placate him, you tell him what you really think. With any luck you'll knock some sense into him.
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A
female
reader, rainbowmaker  +, writes (10 May 2010):
 I think that you should just remind your friend that what his fiance was getting up to is in her past. Why is he so worried about did when they weren't even together?
I suppose it's never really a good idea to let partners in on just how many people you have been with in the past as it quite often causes upset but you are right, she has saved herself for him. Why isn't that good enough?
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A
female
reader, RNMeritt +, writes (10 May 2010):
Your friend's fiance was extremely misguided to think that as long as she remained a virgin, she was not being sexually promiscuous with men. Giving thirty to forty bj's to different men is a whole lot of sexual activity with a whole lot of different partners. Would she want to marry your friend if she knew he had performed oral sex on 40 different women? However, she may not have had an adult to properly guide her about intimacy. Or, maybe there is something about her life that made her have a huge need to receive male approval.
This is the bottom line: both your friend and his fiance must forgive each other for any past sexual behavior and be loyal to each other forever. Along with the forgiveness, your friend must never mention it again, or think of it. It is just that simple. If he chooses not to forgive and forget, then he should walk away from the relationship.
Her past is her past and she cannot change it. If your friend refuses to let it go, they are headed towards disaster. Or, he can let it go and both of them could live a wonderful and happy life together, whether they choose to remain in their small town or make a fresh start for each other in some other town. It is true though that it is a small world.
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A
female
reader, purple_butterfly  +, writes (10 May 2010):
I think you should make him understand that everyone has a past, good bad, ugly fugly , comfortable or uncomfortable. And, i understand something like this would make him very uncomfortable but everyone does mistakes. And, if him, being her fiance cannot forgive her for that and just leave it behind and move on, he should not be with her. Even if he moves 30 mins away, if he is insecure, he is going to stay that way. Yes if that helps him, he could give it a try
well I am sure he loved her enough to date her, get engaged with her and now marry her. If her past has not affected all this, it would be really stupid to let the past affect the marriage. Yes, past might come in your face at times but if you love her and if you accept her for what she is, I think that would make your and her life very acceptable :D
I hope that helps
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 May 2010):
 People have different levels of what's acceptable. Ok, your friend has to realize that his fiancee's past is what makes her the woman he loves and wants to marry. While it would have been easier for her to lie to him, she decided to be honest so that he can accept her for who she is. Ultimately it doesn't matter if he runs into people who she had been intimate with. She is with him, not them. Unless she is stepping out blowing every guy on the block, he should be grateful she didn't have sex with all those guys. How would he feel then?
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A
female
reader, sammyo +, writes (10 May 2010):
He needs to focus on his relationship NOW and forget about her past. Everyone makes mistakes they can't take back. She apparently likes giving bj's, and your mate should be pleased for that fact that she has a wild side.
Is he ashamed of being with her or is he afraid she's the type to cheat?
He needs to talk to her to clarify the facts and find out the reason for her actions. He needs to stop doubting her loyalty and support her because if he feels this unsure she must feel much worse.
It looks like he cares more about his own reputation than hers and that he's entirely ashamed of being with her. That doesn't make for a good relationship, does it? What does he want from her? She's not a nun.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): Hello wow 30, or 40 bjs? Yes that's quite abit I must say! She claims she's a virgin (I'm hoping she's honest about that) I'm not sure how I'd react personally to that amount. Having said that that's her past and we all have them. As long as she's committed to him should be all that matters. If he's unable to get over that shock then maybe he needs to rethink things. Good luck;D
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