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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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If I'm lucky my girlfriend and I have sex once a month
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A. 14 July 2010: Not necessarily. The prostate is often referred to as the male g spot. While I've never experienced this, it is possible to make a man orgasm just by rubbing it. No stimulation to the penis at all. He likely found this very pleasurable and wants ... (read in full...)
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Do my scars discomfort her?
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A. 14 July 2010: Boys his age are very horny, and get erections easily. They can also be quite perverted about the smallest things. Seriously, it's time to stop having physical contact with him, or tell your parents. This isn't healthy. You've posted here ... (read in full...)
All I wanted was this one weekend away and he couldn't give me that. Is this enough to call it a day?
Q. I need some advice, I'm feeling really low right now. My boyfriend and I were due to go away this weekend. It was his idea. I booked everything. My sister has been having some problems and I have been there for her as much as I can. I told my ...
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Should I choose my best friend or a potential boyfriend?
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A. 14 July 2010: There's a saying among guys; "Bro's before ho's." I'm not feeling creative enough at the moment to flip that for women, but it should work the same way. Friendships typically last much longer than romantic relationships, especially at your age. ... (read in full...)
He told me he thinks we should break up!
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A. 14 July 2010: I think xanthic is onto something... He probably feels that you deserve better because he feels guilty about something. It may not be finding someone else though, it may be realizing that he was happier as just your friend, or that the distance is ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend and his female friend used to be FWB!
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A. 14 July 2010: I apologize, but I have a feeling this may sound harsh. You should NOT be digging through his emails. What a horrid thing to do. You're holding something against him that you found from almost a year before you were together. What this tells me ... (read in full...)
He doesn't want me to come out with him on his work nights out, is it normal for couples to go out drinking without each other?
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A. 14 July 2010: 1) I'd be slightly insulted that he felt that way about me, but if you feel it to be accurate, that would definitely mitigate the level of insult. 2) Couples go out without the other person very often. In fact, I need my space, and that include... (read in full...)
He refuses to come inside of me!
Q. BF of 3 yrs cannot/will not come inside of me even though pregnancy is not possible. I have also suggested he use a condom if that would make him more comfortable with the idea. He doesn't seem interested in increasing our intimacy this way. We are ...
A. 14 July 2010: One of the sexiest things my ex ever said was telling me to come inside of her. I can understand the oral fixation though, that feels really good too. I do agree with Chigirl and Dr.LM, he is definitely being selfish here. By refusing to do ... (read in full...)
Is it wrong to watch porn every night?
Q. I have trouble looking at porn every night when I am supossed to be in bed sleeping. Is this wrong. I dream of sex like 12 times every night....
A. 13 July 2010: Wrong? No, but at your age I'd seriously consider cutting down on the porn. I like porn too, but it can warp your sense of sex and relationships if you aren't careful.
Dreaming about sex is also natural.... (read in full...)
Please help! Did I cause it!? Should I pretend like it never happened?
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A. 13 July 2010: You didn't do anything wrong if you weren't trying to do that. Basically, young boys get hard really easily. He was the one acting awfully weird with all the touching. He likely finds you attractive, and isn't sure which boundries are ok to ... (read in full...)
Which sexual act do guys prefer?
Q. I will keep this short and simple. Guys which sexual act would you most prefer from a girl, a handjob, a blowjob, or intercourse, and would your preference change if you were in a relationship or just looking for casual encounters? Thanks you.......
A. 13 July 2010: I'd prefer blowjobs. That's just me, but I'd also agree with Odds that it depends on what I'm not getting at the time. I've always loved oral though. The most sexual stimulation I've ever felt came through oral sex, so that is naturally where I ... (read in full...)
Men, would this turn you on?
Q. Here's a question for the male readers. You're at a bar by yourself one night, listening to a band and a woman comes up to you who is not really that great looking; short hair, big hips, kind of flat chested, has alot of tattoos and she walks up to ...
A. 13 July 2010: To answer the original question, it would be a turn on, but I don't think I'd take her up on the offer unless I was hard up. If she's willing to come onto me that way, I'd be wondering how many other guys she's done the exact same thing to. I'd be ... (read in full...)
Why this coldness all of a sudden? Is she going off me?
Q. Okay so recently my girlfriend has stopped saying I love you and hardly saying any cute.. like not making an effort you know? I mean I just check some text from 5 days ago and it's filled with: I love you's, forever, can't wait, wanna c u again. ...
A. 13 July 2010: 3 months? That puts things in a different light. She could be scared because things are moving too fast. ... (read in full...)
Why this coldness all of a sudden? Is she going off me?
Q. Okay so recently my girlfriend has stopped saying I love you and hardly saying any cute.. like not making an effort you know? I mean I just check some text from 5 days ago and it's filled with: I love you's, forever, can't wait, wanna c u again. ...
A. 12 July 2010: Damn, CaringGuy nailed it as usual. I agree that she's checking out of your relationship. It is possible she is going through turmoil at the moment, but my last GF did something like this shortly before we broke up. She likely cares about you a ... (read in full...)
Help! Am I plan "B"???
Q. Ok so I met this guy and we started texting he was really sweet and we had a lot in common. We talked on the phone for 2 hours one night, and tried to get to know each other more. When we first started talking he said he wanted a relationship and ...
A. 12 July 2010: Sounds sketchy. My question to you is: Why waste your time with this jobless mooch who can't even return a text?... (read in full...)
A question of condoms...
Q. hey i had a question and i was hoping you could help if a guy has a condom on and it doesnt break could she still get pregnant. ...
A. 12 July 2010: Yes, condoms are only about 85% effective at stopping pregnancy. Your best bet would be to use additional contraception such as the pill or the depo shot. However, condoms are the most effective way to protect against STD's other than not having ... (read in full...)
I snooped through his phone, how can I get his trust back?
Q. Hello everyone, Today I looked through my boyfriend's phone. I know it was wrong but I was just curious. Now hes terribly mad at me and won't speak to me. We live together and he is the love of my life. He put a lock on his phone and told me not ...
A. 12 July 2010: That's the problem with trust, it takes years to gain, and seconds to destroy. Good luck. Like everyone else said, it will take time. ... (read in full...)
Am I correct in thinking - "this is flirting"?
Q. Hi Readers. I’m looking for other peoples views on flirting... I’m in a situation at the minute where I’m falling for a friend of mine (yea I know – difficult situation!) Thing is I think the feeling may be mutual... So I’ll give you so...
A. 12 July 2010: Sounds like flirting to me. He also sounds shy, so he may not be able to take that step of telling you how he feels. It may be best to talk about it one night. Maybe during a conversation when you are together, tell him that you're noticing that ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend is really controlling but I cant dump him because I have been with him for too long!
Q. i have been going out with my boyfriend for more than two years now and at first he was good but now he is controlling me. its that bad i cant go on the computer, msn, have facebook or even look and listen to boys on tv! i cant have boy mates or ...
A. 12 July 2010: You're doing just what he hopes you will by acting this way. Dump him. You can definitely find someone who is not a jerk like him.... (read in full...)
I want to be able to go through a day without thinking of him!
Q. I have a huuge crush on my guy friend....he has nooo ideaa....I can't tell him and never will He has a gf or am not sure if she really is..it sux when I see a comment that he posts on her FB page...it becomes like my worst day ever when I see that...
A. 2 July 2010: I hear you, I have a crush on a close friend and can't bring myself to tell her. I recently asked her to do something together and got shot down. It ruined my day. I really feel for you.
Your best bet is to separate yourself from him complete... (read in full...)
Special night gone wrong.....
Q. So this past weekend was my one year with my boyfriend and we went and celebrated. Of course I bought this super sexy outfit for him because that night was going to be an extra special night. He had bought a vibrating cock ring and some lubricant ...
A. 2 July 2010: Try focusing on your breathing. Believe it or not, doing things like moaning can actually cause the stimulation you're feeling to intensify. I was amazed the first time I tried this.
Also, one thing that is probably another hinderance is the f... (read in full...)
I cheated on my unromantic boyfriend and am now struggling to repair things!
Q. Please dont tell me how I am such a horrible person or anything like that because I know I am and I know its a blessing that things worked out the way they did: I cheated on my boyfriend just shy of our 4th anniversary. First of all I want to sa...
A. 2 July 2010: There is nothing you can do. Frankly, you should end this relationship. Look through posts of people who have cheated trying to fix things. Look through posts of people who have been cheated on and can never build the trust back into the ... (read in full...)
Does this make me a racist?
Q. dear cupid, me and my girlfriend were talking and i said asian people (like japanese, chinese) have stupid names/stupid-sounding names. she then called me a racist and was extremely upset and hootin' and hollerin'. i kept on telling ...
A. 2 July 2010: The context of what we say and when we say it are important. Although, saying asian origin names sound "Stupid" is a bit harsh. It makes you appear very narrow minded and a bit of a biggot. You may not be racist in how you act toward others, but ... (read in full...)
Something new in our D/S play
Q. I am a 30 year old married woman. Point blank, my husband and I are in a D/s relationship with him being the top and he spanks me whenever I have done wrong. Recently, he was spanking me when I was laying naked on the bed. I began to wiggle ...
A. 1 July 2010: Make sure you have a preset "Safe word" so that you don't have to worry about things getting out of hand. ... (read in full...)
Who should buy the condoms?
Q. Hey, who do you think should supply a condom the boys or the girls? or should they take turns? Thanks....
A. 1 July 2010: Definitely both buy them. I usually split my GF's pill or other contraception with her too. It is for both of us after all.... (read in full...)
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