A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I posted my situation on here a couple of weeks ago and received some great replies - thank you for these. But the situation continues so I am posting again with an update in the hope that you all may be able to help me further!A girl started at my work a few months ago after having come back from two and a half years of travel with her boyfriend. They planned to go away again together to New Zealand for more travelling as soon as they had some money. However, then she met me and we started getting on really well. One thing led to another and although we didn;t have sex, we had a pretty emotional affair. I got on really well with her friends and her mum, who all knew what was going on and were surprisingly supportive. It turned out that the boyfriend was very controlling of her and had been violent on at least one occasion towards her in the past. During the time we were together she flourished and became a lot more confident. However, she felt it was her duty to go to New Zealand with the boyfriend to at least try to honour her commitment. I was devastated but I realised that it was what she needed to do. It was at this point that I posted on here before - should I just forget her, or what should I do. Several people said to forget her, as I was being played. One person said I ought to have patience and see what happens, as she is obviously going through a very difficult decision. Well, I thought to be honest that I'd probably never hear from her again, but, on the contrary, I've had emails, texts, phone calls and even a letter, all saying she's thinking about me the entire time, she can;t get me out of her head, how much she misses me, etc. Also, a bit strangely, her family have had me round a couple of times for meals etc, I was a bit worried that conversation was going to run dry, but they really made an effort to keep in contact. But the fact remains that she's still the other side of the world with another bloke. She is not a player, but she is someone who doesn't like making big decisions. She told me she had a talk with her boyfriend and explained that she wasn't happy in the relationship any more, but they're still together at the moment. I really love her and I do honestly want her to be happy whatever that entails, but what on earth do I do, considering I'm getting all these messages and whatever from her? She tells me she can't stop thinking about me, but there never seems to be an intention to come home. The frustration is killing me!Thanks!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 July 2010): Hi GuysOriginal poster here again. Thanks for your advice Dirtball, much appreciated especially as you obviously took some time to think about it all for me - I like the way you put "if we continue the way we are, I know I will end up feeling used and depressed", ie. not making it sound just like it's me that's going to end up hurt or whatever, I will certainly try that. I had another 30 minute phone call from her this morning and the intensity ofcontact seems to be remaining steady. We had a really good talk and I said to her that we can't go on like this indefinitely, she's going to have to come to some kind of decision (it wasn't quite the ultimatum I'd originally had in mind, more of a watered down version, and I feel she will need further prodding before it's truly effective). She said she still really doesn't know what she wants, and started weighing up all the good points of staying in New Zealand versus all the good points of coming home. However, these were all about practical things like how much money she'd earn, where she'd live, whether she'd have a car, etc, and I had to stop her and say 'but surely you're missing the main point, which is who do you want to be with, rather than where do you want to be?" and she acknowledged that this was in fact what she needed to be concentrating on. I told her that this was causing me a lot of pain, but acknowledged to her that maybe a fortnight was perhaps too little time for her to truly know her feelings. But I also voiced my concerns to her that, because of the distance, I am now not going to be on her mind so much, especially as I can't randomly phone or text her (they have a shared phone at the mo) so I will be at a definite disadvantage. She assured me that she is still dreaming about me all the time, and she certainly seems very unsure about doing the whole backpacking thing again, so we'll just have to wait and see. She misses her mum a lot and sets a great deal on what her mum says, so I'm pretty glad I got in with her! She also said today she wondered whether she ought to have gone to NZ at all, whereas she always said before (and frankly I had agreed with her) that she needed to try it, as if she'd not gone she'd have always wondered whether she had made the right decision, and possibly resented me.Anyway, I'll let you guys know how it all goes. It's a big decision for her to take and, to be honest, I'm trying to steel myself for what may happen (ie. she bottles out), but we've gone such a long way down this path now it'd be such a shame if she doesn't come back: it feels like our conversation in life just isn't done yet.Thanks again.
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (16 July 2010):
 In my opinion, waiting much longer isn't a good plan. You want to strike while the iron is hot (so to speak). Here's the deal. She's been with this guy for a long time. At least 2 1/2 to 3 years as I read it. That's long enough for her to know if she's happy. Your time with her was short, and the feelings she has for you could fade, especially with a controlling boyfriend who she is comfortable enough with to travel to far off lands and live with.
Keep in mind, while you see the negatives of their relationship because it suits your desires, she may not be seeing the same things. Ultimately, I think (based on the limited info I have) that she stays with him because she's comfortable, she know's what will happen day in and day out, and is afraid of the unknown (you).
The timing of the ultimatum should be dependent upon a couple of things. What are the frequency of your communications? I know you said you are in contact every couple of days. Has this increased or decreased since she went away? If it's on the decline, that's a bad sign, and you should pose your question ASAP. If it's on the rise, waiting isn't a bad call. Next is your personal observation of her happiness. If you notice (as you have indicated) that she isn't happy, what are you waiting for? Give her a clear alternative to what she's doing and she may jump at the chance.
Ultimately, you know better than us what's going on, and can feel out the timing. Remember, her family liking you is a huge plus if she likes her family. Also, remember that on one level she likes being bossed around, or she wouldn't still be with her bf. Telling her what you observe and that you think you would be a good change for her isn't out of line, and she may take to it. I'd try to make it her decision without her having to decide (if that makes any sense). It seems like she doesn't want to "rock the boat." Sometimes when people won't decide for themselves, we have to help them along.
Like I said before, lay it out. Tell her you really like her, and it is painful for you to see her with a guy she's not happy with. If she doesn't see that, and want to try something with you, it's time for you to move on. Heck, it may not even be a bad thing to tell her you feel used. I'd only bust that out if I really needed to make my point though.
"I really like you, and think there is more here. I think that you have been corresponding with me because I fill a void you're feeling in your life. I would love to continue, but only in a relationship. Like I said, I care for you. I don't simply want to be your friend, I want that and more. Without the relationship, if we continue the way we are, I know I will end up feeling used and depressed. Ultimately, I only want to continue this if it is leading somewhere further." -or something like that.
Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 July 2010): Hey GuysI'm the original poster of this problem. Thank you very much for your responses. It's good to see a couple of people also saying that, although inevitably there is an element of me being "used" in this situation, it doesn't sound like it is malicious or even intentional (I guess no-one ever thinks they are being intentionally used, but as I say, I think it is the case that she's not had to make many big decisions in life before). There seems to be a reasonably common theme running through them - she needs some kind of ultimatum. I'd reached this conclusion myself too, so I'm glad that we all seem to be on the same wavelength with this. However, does she also need some time to try to figure out what she wants? And if so, surely an early ultimatum could backfire badly - I mean, I realise that from an objective point of view she needs to make up her mind, but my principal aim is to get her to make it up in my favour!In answer to a couple of questions posed: I don't think her family know that the bf has been physically abusive to her in the past, and if she's not said anything to them I obviously don't want to betray her trust. Her family and friends do know that he is very controlling and have all made it quite clear to me that they think she's much happier when she's with me, which was really nice of them to say. I had her mum over for a BBQ last night and we had a chat about it all, and she is of the opinion that her daughter will come back, but she obviously can't speak for her, and says she doesn't want to say too much to get my hopes up in case it doesn't work out. The bf does not have any money, and she's not got that much either, although they both now have jobs doing fruit picking (which she hates) so there is some money coming in. However, her mum has already offered to pay for her flight home if she wants to come back, as have I. I don't think she is physically frightened of the bf despite what has gone on, I think she has just got used to being told what to do - perhaps this will now change.The question leading on from all this concerns the timing of the ultimatum. She has been gone for a fortnight. I have had contact, as I say, via email, letter, text and phone call, on average about once every two days. She has said herself that she can;t cope with all this and something has got to give. As I think I said, she's had a talk with the bf and said she's not sure about their relationship. I'm in a dilemma as to whether I should send an ultimatum now, or wait for a few more weeks. As I see it, sending an ultimatum now is probably too soon, because I don't think she will feel she's given it enough of a try. I was thinking of waiting another fortnight, then sending an ultimatum (provided nothing has changed in the meantime). The fear I have with this is that, although I do believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder for a while, I have a sneaking suspicion that after a month away from me, her feelings may not be quite as strong, and with memories fading it is easier to stay put with what you know. Whaddya reckon? She's been pretty full on with me since going away, and by her own admission, she has surprised herself at how much she's missed me. Do you think this will fade if I leave it for another fortnight???Thanks for listening - sorry it's a bit long winded!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 July 2010):
Thanks Big Ron!!
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A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (15 July 2010):
 Well, there really isn't a whole lot you CAN do at this point in time, and the distance.
Does she have enough money to pay her fare home, or is she dependent on her bf for that?
You could write her and tell her that she needs to make a decision to either stay with him in New Zealand, or to make a definite break and return home. You understand her situation, and given that she is apparently reluctant to take decisive action, for whatever reasons - maybe she's fears her boyfriend's reaction; maybe he's keeping her there against her will, in which case she'd be well advised to contact the police......tell me, is her family at all worried over the fact that she decided to go with him to the other side of the world, considering he's been violent and is controlling?
Could you, have you, discuss(ed) this with them?
If you try these different suggestions, with basically no result, then I'm afraid it will be best to give up on her. Sorry.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2010): A couple years ago my best friend was in a situation similar to yours. Her boyfriend was with another woman, and her. I told her to forget about him or he might hurt her but she didnt believe me. finally she broke up with him and she is as happy as she has ever been. As for you, I do not believe you are being played. Maybe she is afraid that her 1st significant other may hurt her..... Maybe phisically or emotionally. Try and help her decide. If her family likes you then you should believe them and stick with her. Be her hero and keep her safe!!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 July 2010):
You're being used. I don't think it is malicious, or even intentional, but you give her the emotional support and connection she longs for. And so far, you haven't forced a decision, so in essence, you're encouraging this behavior on some level (and I know all about this because I'm in a similar boat).
You have two choices. Continue, and be forever frustrated, or deliver an ultimatum that she choose. Let her know point blank how you feel and lay your cards on the table. Tell her that the only way you'll continue with this is if she ends things with her bf and starts a real relationship with you. Well, I suppose there is a third option, cut ALL contact, and I mean everything and move on.
You have a good start with her family liking you and seeking you out in her absence. I hope you get what you're longing for!
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