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*irtball

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*irtball's profile:

Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.

Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.

ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!

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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.

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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)

DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)

Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.

Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.

Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.

People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.

Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?

People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.

You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.

When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.

When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.

Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.

I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.

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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html

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Dirtball Rants:

1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.

2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.

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Abreviations.

I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.

OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.

BF - Boyfriend

GF - Girlfriend

SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.

BTW - By the way

FWIW - For what it's worth

TBH - To be honest

IDC - I Don't Care

IDK - I Don't Know

IMHO - In My Humble Opinion

IMO - In My Opinion

IOW - In Other Words

THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples)

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My girlfriend started dancing at a strip club!

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I think I've finally had it! Should I break it off?

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Unresolved questions from my break up, please help me!

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Will he be more likely to contact me if I stop trying to contact him?

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A. 29 October 2010: CaringGuy is right as usual. I'd like to add that once a relationship ends, it's usually best if it stays that way. You broke up for a reason. It's natural to miss eachother and want eachother back, but it also usually ends up with the same ... (read in full...)

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A. 29 October 2010: The others are right. Was it everything you hoped it would be at least?... (read in full...)

Why is my husband watching so much porn?

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Can this relationship grow?

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A. 29 October 2010: You know what defines your relationship to me? The fact that he asked you to listen to a song that would take a max of 10 minutes out of your life and you weren't even willing to give your boyfriend that. I'm sure it goes both ways, but I don't ... (read in full...)

Airports new "feel you up" measure is crossing the lines!

A. 29 October 2010: What's really happening to the images? http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/08/04/body-scan-images-from-sec_n_670170.html Like in relationships, trust is earned. I have very little trust in the people in charge of these machines.... (read in full...)

Airports new "feel you up" measure is crossing the lines!

A. 29 October 2010: I've never been in the military. I appriciate every soldier who sacrifices their time, effort, and sometimes their lives and limbs defending the freedoms I hold very dearly. I just feel that part of defending my country is defending those rights ... (read in full...)

Do guys like red heads for anything more than sex?

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Does being on birth control make me a slut?

Q. I am 14 years old and i am on birth control without a bf does that make me a slut or a whore or anything on thoes means ???? ...

A. 29 October 2010: In addition to what CaringGuy said, it also helps regulate your periods, which is important for many women. It absolutely doesn't make you a slut. You could be on the pill for years and still be a virgin. ... (read in full...)

How do I get rid of this crush? I hate it so much.

Q. Sometimes I feel I am in love. Sometimes it is not important at all. But I like him so much and the thought of his voice and words make me feel secure. The last few times we talked about some thing he lowered his voice so much that I could not...

A. 29 October 2010: I think that's a good plan, I also think that your imagination played into some of the "signals." Lots of that is just being friendly. Good luck. It is definitely best if you can move on. Especially since you're in a relationship.... (read in full...)

My friends always say the teacher is staring at me

Q. hey :) I know I have asked this before, but I got no help :( thank you to the people who did comment though, I just need more help please I don't know what to do im really sorry its so long, but please I need your advice .... I'm a littl...

A. 29 October 2010: OP, your problem is serious, and if you are upset by this then you need to tell someone who can do something about it. Talk to the principal, or an administrator. He has no right to touch you. That's really the only way for you to solve th... (read in full...)

I want more sex!

Q. Me and my boyfriend have been living together and been having sex for over 3 months now. At first, we had sex everyday. About 3 to 4 weeks later though, he started to seem less and less interested in sex. At this point, we have sex like once every ...

A. 29 October 2010: So do I, but that doesn't mean I get it either... Really, you have to talk to him about your needs and part of a relationship is compromise. He may have to give it more than he wants and you may have to get it less than you want, but hopefull... (read in full...)

Airports new "feel you up" measure is crossing the lines!

A. 29 October 2010: "Laws are designed to keep us all safe. In the current atmosphere of terrorism, it has to be accepted." True, but by changing our fundimentals aren't we giving the terrorists just want they want? Our fear.... (read in full...)

Airports new "feel you up" measure is crossing the lines!

A. 29 October 2010: I wonder why people are so eager to give up their personal freedoms and privacy for a sense of security. That's all it is, a sense of security because these measures won't stop someone who's really determined. I fly at least a few times a year ... (read in full...)

How do I get rid of this crush? I hate it so much.

A. 29 October 2010: "Why can't men behave normally? And why women can't think straight?" We do. We're much more straight forward than women in my experience. Men really are quite simple. We're also bound by our insecurities, societal norms and values, and our mora... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 28 October 2010: Sad, I know. Actually, I can think of one time it happened and one time it almost did. Once it happened on accident, but fortunately for me we were in a 69 and she was having one at the same time so she didn't care. Another told me she swallowed ... (read in full...)

How do I get rid of this crush? I hate it so much.

A. 28 October 2010: It's hard to say if that behavior means anything. He's probably interested on some level but it's hard to say how interested. I can say I'm 90% sure he won't make a move. ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 28 October 2010: Good point Gabrielle. Let me rephrase, your attitude about sex is special. As is yours Smiliek. I hope to meet a woman with similar feelings toward sex someday. Do guys prefer a handjob or bj when getting a "release?" This guy prefers a bj... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 27 October 2010: You're a special girl Gabrielle, and I envy your partner. The only girl I've met who had a similar attitude to you as far as sex turned out to be a manipulative psycho. That relationship never would have lasted so long if the sex wasn't so ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 27 October 2010: Good questions, and no you're not all alone, I keep checking in and referring people in situations similar to yours back to this thread. Can a guy have enough sex that he doesn't need to masturbate? Yes and no. I've found that (at least in my ... (read in full...)

How do I get rid of this crush? I hate it so much.

A. 26 October 2010: Exactly my point there. When we want something to be true we will often read into what's not there. We will give meaning to the meaningless. We will interpret things to mean things other than what they were intended to mean. We build up a whole ... (read in full...)

How do I get rid of this crush? I hate it so much.

A. 25 October 2010: Wow, I know how you feel. I had to leave my last relationship because of feelings I developed for someone else... The worst part is that she's taken and I won't tell her how I feel about her while she's in a relationship. It's a boundary I won't ... (read in full...)

I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!

A. 18 October 2010: Well, if there ever was a silver lining to such a situation, you now have bigger concerns than her to worry about. I hope you find a new job soon, and one that you enjoy more than your last!... (read in full...)

I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!

A. 18 October 2010: All these actions are those of someone who is incredibly insecure. She's not ready for a relationship, at least not one that will work.... (read in full...)

I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!

A. 14 October 2010: That would be fine. I think it would be too difficult for you to try and be her friend given your feelings for her. Time may change that though. I'm glad to hear you're finally getting some piece of mind. Take care and good luck.... (read in full...)

I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!

A. 14 October 2010: "What do you think? Do you think it's a good idea I leave her be? let her contact me if she wants? And be more assertive? I'm not sure she is capable to be with anyone in her current state. I think she is looking for the "perfect man" to come... (read in full...)

I'm like a zombie...think I lost my girlfriend!

A. 14 October 2010: Ok, gotta say, your name is from one of my favorite movies. I'm also going to start by saying that you're probably not going to like my thoughts on your problem. Here it is, she is not over her ex. Sure, she's not wanting to get back with him... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 13 October 2010: Welcome back Mia. Glad you got everything sorted out!... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 8 October 2010: I agree. It is lazy. It also becomes harder to fantasize if you're constantly bombarding yourself with these images. The problem in my life is that I haven't found many women with comparable sex drives. Most of the women I've been with have ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 7 October 2010: I agree to a point. I think part of the appeal of porn with regard to masturbation is that it is easy and highly accessable. Can I masturbate without it? Sure. The thing is that it takes longer. At least for me. If I just want to make it fast, ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 7 October 2010: Ha! Just because they happen doesn't mean they need to be accepted. I see people who don't pay their taxes every day. Death is hard to cheat though.... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 6 October 2010: Nobody ever has to accept anything they don't want to. I do believe that a lot of people believe that someone may have to accept something but the truth is that it is your right as an individual to make your own choices as to what you'll accept or ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 5 October 2010: I'm still reading it. :-) I think that's because of the fact that it's viewed as "taboo." These are conversations that need to take place in a relationship. It makes the relationship stronger if both parties lay out their expectations for each... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 30 September 2010: I think you're right person12345, there is a bit of the ostrich syndrome going on here. I have some thoughts on this question though: "If she's already insecure and that makes it worse, why wouldn't he want to make her feel better?" This is a sli... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 29 September 2010: OK Friends, we're opened back up. I just wanted to post a reminder to everyone to keep it civil. I haven't seen anything like that in a while, but it's still worthy of a reminder. So, without further delay, please let the conversation continue... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 2 September 2010: Katy, I didn't realize you were the anon poster. However, I never said you don't belong here, just the negativity you were expressing. I was pushing for contributions, not attacks. Please do contribute. ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 2 September 2010: Anon poster, where your argument about men fails is your statement about their actions. Actions and thoughts are two very different things. Just because we may fantasize about something, that doesn't mean we will, or even we want to in reality, ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 26 August 2010: "Why is it you don't talk about 'masturbation addicts'" LOL Mia, a masturbation addict will eventually be unable to even view porn since they'll go blind and have super hairy palms. Don't you love those old wive's tales? I also have pro... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 26 August 2010: "As for Dirtball's theory about masturbation is dirty, I think porn would actually lessen especially in how degrading it is if masturbation wasn't thought of as hidden and dirty." I agree. When we're hiding something already, it becomes easier t... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 25 August 2010: "But lying as a teen to your mum is surely different to lying to your partner?" It is and it isn't. Your point is valid and the way things should work ideally. The thing is that learned behavior is difficult to change. An example. I live alo... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 24 August 2010: Why is this "ok" to lie about? It really isn't. You are right that a relationship built around lies doesn't have a real foundation. Now, what I'm about to type, is the justification. It's not that it's ok to lie about it, it's that men ha... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 23 August 2010: Be careful when you say such things, especially if the pig is around. He tends to get very funny ideas when you say "woman, naked, ogle" Ha, Q isn't the only one who gets crazy thoughts in his head when he hears (or reads) those words. ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 23 August 2010: If I had a gf who would take sexy pics of herself or star in a video with me, you better believe I'd watch that above anything else in my collection. The problem is that, like with just about anything, the same thing can get boring if repeated ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 23 August 2010: "sorry to drag it back, but im still at a loss as to what to say to women who post on here who cannot accept their partners porn use, but love him and do not wish to leave the rship. If he wont stop (even if he only does it sometimes) what should ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 22 August 2010: I should add, thank you for identifying yourself!... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 22 August 2010: Sorry person 12345... I was writing my response at the same time.... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 22 August 2010: Anon, she says you're hiding because you haven't signed up and given us a user name to call you. As for the prevalence in today's society... I blame "girls gone wild." My mom had an argument with one of my brother's girlfriends once because ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 21 August 2010: I'm going to step out of the porn discussion for a second and address the Neuroscience issue (as this was one of my primary collegiate areas of study). What you see activating in the brain of an addict during a scan is their dopamine centers.... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 21 August 2010: My point is that "normal, mainstream porn" can be all the things I listed. It's all out there for anyone with internet access. Even in your "expert" opinion you have to see you're over generalizing. Also, just because something is out there, it ... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 20 August 2010: I'm with Tisha. There is every kind of porn out there under the sun. You've got the ones where they are actors with lines and are playing out a scenario. Heck, I just saw a XXX parody of "That 70's Show." It was hardly degrading. It was funn... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 20 August 2010: Wow, this thread really exploded didn't it. First. To LucyLoos. I was the responder who discussed my sex drive. I find it admirable that you've been able to enhance yours to meet your husband's needs. That's excellent. My first choice i... (read in full...)

Why is there no middle ground when it comes to porn?

A. 19 August 2010: "I love the man i met, i dont have any need or want to change him. I may not love the man he became if he tried." Of your whole post (which I agree could really have used paragraphs) this is the sentence that summed up my stance on this topic. ... (read in full...)