A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have broken up with my boyfriend,2 weeks ago.He hasn't contacted me although i did email him and text him but no response.Does the "No Contact" rule actually works? I read on a website that if you want your lover back then he has to miss you 1st and thats by not contacting him.Please help me because im heartbroken.
View related questions:
heartbroken, text Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (3 November 2010):
 Dornraben, thanks for your kind comment :)
A
female
reader, PatientlyWaiting1  +, writes (30 October 2010):
Yes give him space and let him contact you. When he does, do not come on strong or be rude, be nice and genuine, you will be starting from scratch
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Good advice by fi! I guess most of the replies here have been about the 'no contact' rule itself rather than your (original poster's) situation.
The way I see 'no contact' (NC) is that it only be done when: (1) it's 100% clear that one/both parties is/are no longer interested in the relationship; (2) attempts by one/both parties to reconcile have failed; and (3) that one/both parties cannot bear the prospect of keeping in touch with their 'ex', but need(s) time to heal.
You may not have reached that stage yet. It's only been two weeks.
You say that you've emailed and texted him. Are you worried that he will react badly if you call him? Keep up contact if you want him back, but don't over do it. Be sincere. Maybe something more personal than a text or email.
Remember, you broke up with him. So although he's bound to feel hurt and angry now (and avoiding you), that may pass. Plus, it can be easier for the 'dumper' to apologise and iniatite reconciliation than for the 'dumpee'.
I initially went NC when my g/f sent me a 'Dear John' text - I was hurt and angry. Then a week later I got in touch. After a couple more texts and a call, it was obvious that she'd made up her mind. I even suggested that we take a break rather than break up. Not interested. I called again a few days after and left a "how are you?" message. A week ago I sent a handwritten apology letter, ending with "if you ever need me, I'll be there...". I've yet to hear from her, and so (for now) NC seems to be the only option for me.
My point is that she's gone NC because she does NOT want me back. If she had shown signs of regret, that she missed me and wanted to try again, I would have been glad. Although I was initially hurt and angry at being dumped like that, in the long run I didn't want to lose her.
Maybe your ex feels the same.
But, as fi_the_tree says, give it time...
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (30 October 2010):
Just because a couple break up once or twice, doesn't mean that there is absolutely no hope for reconcilliation!! My ex and i broke up time after time, but our isses were never really addressed until we had been broken up for a couple of months or so. Although we are still ex's, we still speak frequently, and we are considering reconcilliation. This has of course taken some time, but my point is, even though the situation seems bleak, if you want it enough, there is always hope for you yet.
Too many people come on here and say 'forget them, they're not worth your time and effort' which is why it's so hard to talk to strangers, who know nothing of you or your partner and your situation in great detail.
Hun, if you believe that there is a chance that this could work out, then you hang on to it. Give it time, and see where you are in 3 months x
...............................
A
female
reader, Denise32 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 First you ended it, thenyou both resolved it, got back together; had another argument and this time HE ended it.
For heavens' sake, leave it alone! You two were having problems which could not be resolved, that's why you split up. Even when two people care deeply for each other, they may not be compatible long-term.
Playing games - which is what you're doing - is pointless. My recommendation is that you grieve your loss and begin to move on from it. Hopefully you'll find someone else in time with whom it won't be such hard work.......
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): As Jmtmj says, the 'No Contact rule' isn't a strategy to get your ex back, it's to help YOU get over the breakup and move on.
Granted there are occasions it can lead to someone missing their ex enough to begin reconciliation, but that's a happy side-effect (if you will). Even if an 'ex' does get in touch after NC, it might be just to salve their guilt or satisfy their curiosity.
That's me speaking as a man, by the way. I can't say for sure whether the NC rule works better to get an ex-girlfriend back. Men are - generally - less sophisticated.
...............................
A
female
reader, shania +, writes (29 October 2010):
 The No Contact rule will only work if the person who's left you is in love with you still and wants you back BUT you couldn't keep splitting up if none of your problems are never resolved.Sometimes a break can make both of you reflect on what you really want.I know a couple who argue all the time, its a fiery relationship and 20 years on they are still together but dont argue as much! Its like the old saying goes...Cant live with you but cant live without you either.
Give him some space...but i would say that after a few weeks,if you dont hear anything then you will have to accept its over.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 October 2010):
I think the best thing to do here is end it. You were having problems and split up, then got back together. Then there were more problems and you split up again, this time with him saying he just couldn't cope with the arguments.
All that could happen if you were to get back together is that you and he would argue yet again, and just split up. That's how your relationship will be, and he knows it which is why he's pulled the plug. Your problems will not go away, and now that you've both dumped each other at least once, I don't see a way back from this.
You have tried to contact him, with nothing. He's already moving on. The best thing you can do is to move on yourself.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Even in the instances when the "no contact" rule works, (which you've already broken twice by the way)- consider this: If missing their ex-partner was what brought them back and not any change to the situation which caused the break up, whats stopping them from walking again? Absolutely nothing. It really only gets easier to break up again having already broken that seal once before and been accepted back with open arms... where's the consequence??
In my opinion if you have to play mind games to attract somebody, you're probably gonna have to play mind games regularly just to keep them interested.... and thus a textbook "toxic relationship" is born... and somewhere in the world- a fairy dies...
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI ended it 1st because of a silly argument but i made the 1st move and we sorted it all out,then we had another fallout and he ended it.He said he still loved me but couldn't cope with the arguments.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
 CaringGuy is right as usual. I'd like to add that once a relationship ends, it's usually best if it stays that way. You broke up for a reason. It's natural to miss eachother and want eachother back, but it also usually ends up with the same result. Do yourself a favor. Cut contact and move on.
...............................
A
female
reader, fi_the_tree +, writes (29 October 2010):
In alot of cases in can work. I know it's hard, i've been through it myself in the past few months (and my ex started seeing someone else days after we broke up!) I did what you did, sent him stupid texts and emails - mainly when i'd been drinking - and it pushed him further away. So i sent him one last email saying that i would leave him alone now and wished him all the best in the future.
I kept my word and didn't contact him, and a couple of weeks later i got a lengthy email from him saying how he felt things weren't right in his life still.
So, point being, don't contact him. If he gets in touch, then u can go from there, if not, you will have built up the strength to start moving on.
...............................
A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (29 October 2010):
If you broke up with him, hoping he would come back, then you played the wrong game.
If he broke with you, then he's not interested.
Before we can offer you any advice, we need to know who dumped who and why?
...............................
|
