A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Thanks in advance for all advice. Ok I have a live in boyfriend for 1yr in my home - yes we split bills - right off the bat*Now I really love him and can look past some sexual issues he has (pre ejac, lack of drive)- He feels horrible and has some big issues on admitting there is a problem - so I love him so I dont want to hurt him so I dropped it. Now 5 months ago we went through a rough patch - I lost my granny and gramps and he lost he lost his dad all of this hit in the same month.... We were there for each other... Now since then things are good - except it does not feel like it's two people in our relationship -it's 3 his mom- him and me.. I was a single woman - so he stepped into a father figure - with his mom I have been like a daughter to her. If i see somthing she will like i buy it when I get a chance I go visit- My boyfriend visits fri/ tues and somtimes on Sat - I go Tues and on Sat if I dont work , we take her out to eat and etc. Now this is the problem: I have every other Sat off w/ my boyfriend and every other tuesday- so only 1 day a week unless we take a vacation day- ok throughout the week she wont txt unless she needs somthing- or it's important - now on the 1 day we have to ourselves either as our family here or just my boyfriend and I she constently txts him like every two hours - several times- she knows we have 1 day together a week and this has been a constant thing since his dad passed away. We have told her hey Mom we have something special planned on Sat guess what she will txt over and over and over - then stop then a couple hours later guess who- even in the evening when most couples are getting more romantic guess who txts... I have not said anything to my boyfriend until we went out on a date night Sat (date = two people)and he told her in advance we were going out since I was able to get off work early to spend time with him. Guess who kept txting- throughout our date-and of course my boyfriend will txt her back over n over- so right after he got done txting i picked up my phone and started txting one of my friends at the resturtant- he goes whatcha doing I looked up and said txting - he goes -oh- upset then goes I thought were doing somthing special tonight- I said I thought so too - and put down my phone.. Sunday my Boyfriend took vacation so we went out to eat guess who txts- then afternnon guess who txt more then we got back started to cuddle for the 1st time in two weeks guess who txts- finally boom I lost it- I fianlly said something he goes its my mom - I said okay - my mom or dad dont txt me when they know were doing something special they dont txt me unless its an emergency when they know we have 1 day off to ourselves - and if they did i would not answer it b/c its our family time- its disrespectful - how can we grow as a couple when we dont have a min free just one day to ourselves?? What should I do?? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your help. I told him on days its just us phones are off the whole day! Honestly I think his mom does it on purpose like if you have time to txt you have time to be here or if I can slowly not give them time to themselves the outcome would be we would split up, then I have him to myself thought. I asked the miniseter to viset here and there for her - we have been there - all I ask is the 1 day she has enough respect to give us one day together.. So if the phone plan dont work I have no problem at this point to say somthing if that dont work shame on me-
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 November 2010):
 I like Tisha's idea of no phone date night. Then you'll just have to help him get over the anxiety of "what if she needs something?"
It's not too much to ask for a little time alone with your guy. It's also not unusual for someone who experienced a major loss to try and be there for their family. Your BF lost his dad, and his mom lost her husband. She's likely not dealing with this as well as she may appear and that's part of the reason for her constant texting with her son. He's probably got some unresolved grief too that plays into this whole situation.
I did like your little passive aggressive texting at dinner. Maybe next time text him with a message along the lines of "I figured this is the only way we could have a conversation." Did that make him realize what he was doing? Did he empathize with your feelings? Or was that completely separate and different in his head?
I hope you two can work past this. If they haven't, then maybe your BF and his mom should go see a grief councelor together. I bet that if they can get through the grieving process this behavior will diminish.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): Not only did your partner lose his Dad, but his Mum has lost her husband and it must still be hurting her as you say it was only 3 months ago.
The kindest thing to do would be for a little while support her as her pain must be huge from the loss of her husband and she may feel she wants her son closer now.
Encourage her to take up some hobbies and then when she seems to grow in confidence ask her that when she knows her son is with you, to just go easy on the texting as it interrupts your evening. At this time ask your bf not to text so frequently and gradually she'll get the picture. It would be best if both you and her son can stick together on this an talk to her together as then she will see he wants the same as you.
He should at this time then start to ignore a few of her texts or turn off his phone until you have finished your plans. Then she'll get the idea that he won't reply to her every text and be there at her beckon call.
Give her time and some encouragement and eventually she'll get her life back on track and you two will be able to be together in peace.
Hope some of my view is helpful to you X
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Declare date night to be a phone-free time. Leave the mobiles at home, or turn them OFF. If you go to a movie, you should be turning them off anyway; just forget to turn them back on again. Don't announce to his mom when you are going out for the evening, it's really none of her business anyway, and obviously, it doesn't keep her from texting him.
If he cannot disconnect from his mother electronically for a few hours, you might consider whether he's really a good bet for you, as you'll be competing with her forever for his attention. Maybe he's looking for a reason to be distracted in your presence, and it just happens to be his Mom's texts.
Why is it that you can't just say plainly, "I am very disappointed when what I was hoping would be a romantic/special evening turns into a series of texting sessions with your mother"? Set ground rules for texting etiquette and then you BOTH have to stick to it.
Good luck.
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