A
male
age
30-35,
*aimond7
writes:I know this is a long post but I don't have anyone I feel like I can talk too about this situation and I really hope some people here can read through this and tell me what they think.My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 9 months now. Our relationship is honestly great. We have wonderful communication we love each other and I have absolute trust in her. We have been through some difficult situations though. We met last year at a training program on the east coast I'm 19 and she is 29. We fell for each other while she was still with her ex. She was honest with him about the way she had started to feel and eventually the two of them split up and we got together.About a month later she found out that she was pregnant with her ex's child. That was difficult but we got through it. She decided to terminate the pregnancy and things finally started to smooth out for us.The next phase of our relationship started this past july and we both knew it was going to be hard. I had been accepted to a college in Montreal and was going to be there for 3 years. Her family lives on the west coast and she had decided to move back there. On top of this distance she also told me that she was going to start stripping to get herself out of about $5000 dollars debt. She told me that she did it for a month about 6 years ago already, she would do it for 2 weeks take a break from it, and then start again for another month after that. We talked about it for a long time and I told her that I wasn't comfortable with it, but she made it clear that she had decided she was going to do it, and that it was just a tool she was using to get herself out of debt. So I said ok and got through the first two weeks of her stripping even though I hated the idea of her working there.A couple months into the school year I decided to drop out for personal reasons and move back to the east coast This is great news for us because she has Also decided to move back this December. The problem is that before she moves out here she is still going to strip for another month at the club. We've talked about it again and again and I don't know if I can handle it this time around. There is no physical contact between the dancers and the guys in the club and so she says working there doesn't bother her, in fact, she actually likes it. Its just a job to her; a quick way for her to clear her debt and start her life fresh again. She also just plain needs the money to be able to afford a plain ticket back to the east coast and start paying rent.But to me it's not just a job, it's a breach in the fidelity of our relationship. I trust her completely not to started going home with guys, prostituting herself and getting sucked deeper into the sex industry. But that's not the problem, she's taking her clothes off and giving random guys lap dances for money and likes doing it. Sure there isn't any physical contact between them but so what? Shouldn't being faithful to your partner mean more than just physical intimacy? If she was acting the way that she does at that club with with other male friends or for random guys at parties and not having money thrown at her no one would argue that she wasn't being unfaithful in one way or another so why is It that because she is inside the walls of a club it's just a job? She's told me over and over again that her heart is truly with me, that she doesn't feel a thing for any of the guys in that club and I believe her! But why does that even matter? She could say the same thing and it could be just as true if she was prostituting herself on a street corner to get herself out of debt. On top of all that I don't respect what she is doing with her life right now and it's making it a little bit harder for me to respect her as a person because of that. She started working three days ago. I know it's just for a month and that she's doing It for good reasons. My heart tells me to just turn my head let it happen because love her and at the end of this month we could be together for a long time. But my rationale tells me that I'm not being honest and not respecting myself if I just shut my eyes when my partner does things that I don't respect and feel are acts of infidelity. Am I being unreasonable Or selfish? I would really appreciate Anyones insight into my situation.
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a break, debt, her ex, infidelity, lapdance, money, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2010): We could analyze her choices all day but ultimately she's going to do what she feels she has to do. So it comes down to you. I can certainly understand your discomfort (without going into details I used to be in a similar situation). But in the end you have to remember two things: a. it's only a job and b. at the end of the night, she is still you girlfriend. If you can accept that, it makes this so much easier. If you can't, then perhaps you should should rethink your future with her. I mean she may only do this for one more month and never again. But will you ever be able to get over it or will you throw it in her face everytime you two argue down the road???
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male
reader, confusedcaucasian +, writes (31 October 2010):
 My girlfriend was a stripper years before I knew her and it bothers me. I couldn't imagine her doing it now, that would kill our relationship for sure. Stripping is a very sexual thing, and if the club does not serve alcohol then that means its an all nude club, so she is flaunting all her goods for dollar bills. that's demeaning and degrading to you and your love for each other.
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reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (30 October 2010):
 If your girlfriend is in debt, there are other solutions that don`t involve stripping. She could call Dave Ramsey, call the United Way, or go to school and get a decent job.
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male
reader, Raimond7 +, writes (29 October 2010):
Raimond7 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for responding so quickly, I really do appreciate it. I'd like to clear some things up as well. While I can't actually go to the club because of the distance (east coast to west coast). I do believe the things that she tells me about it. It is a non-contact club and there is also alcohol / no bar in the club. She's told me that the only reason she's able to work there is because there's no contact and so I'm not worried about her doing anything out in the parking lot or during private dances other than dance.
Other than that; I never have been to a strip club myself, and I wouldn't say that she has been dismissive of my feelings at all. She has been planning on stripping to clear her debt for a long time now, she thinks it's the best thing she can do to get her life back on the track she wants it to be on. She doesn't see stripping as an act of infidelity in any way and the work doesn't bother her except for the fact that I'm not ok with it so she can't justify not doing it. That said we spoke again today and she has told me that she is thinking of not spending the entire month there and looking at other ways to finish paying off her debt.
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male
reader, Myau  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 I should ask you a question, because there isnt much I can say that will help.
Its upto you really: Do you love her and want to be with her? Then learn to live with this and move past it.
Howver if you feel this is just wrong, then you arnt doing yourself or her any favours, staying in a relationship that just wont work.
So its upto you......DO you really want to be with her?
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male
reader, defeated  +, writes (29 October 2010):
first off she is now taking her clothes off for money, great morals there(there is another profession that does that too)
secondly, the private dances; a little more than just dances goes on, i am one that can addmit that i have shot my load on a stripper during a special dance.
if she is willing to take her clothes off for other men's pleasure for money, how far is she willing to go for how much
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): I would have a big problem with this if it were my girl. All lapdances I've had have been very much a contact activity. The girls could feel my hard-on and would focus their grinding on that location. I wouldn't worry about her falling for one of the guys. The women are there to do a job- separate the money from the customers. It would bother me that she is grinding all those erections. Maybe her club is truly zero contact. One way to find out. Go there yourself and see how much contact there is. Best of luck.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Being faithful means different things to different people. Swingers believe they're being faithful because they agree to an open relationship. I'm not saying that she falls into this category, it's simply to prove a point.
It isn't right for her to dismiss your feelings. Just as it isn't right for you to dictate where she can work.
Relationships are about trust, compromise, and respect. I know part of the problem here is that you don't respect her decision to work at a strip club regardless of her reasons (as you've said). I don't blame you either. It's natural that you wouldn't want other men seeing your GF naked. You've probably been to one or two in your life and have seen the clientele as well. All the more reason to feel discomfort.
While I wouldn't classify this as infidelity, it is definitely a problem. The reason I don't feel it is infidelity is because infidelity really boils down to intent. Her only intent is to earn some quick cash and she's doing that in a legal way. The bigger problem is that she's dismissive of your feelings toward it.
The thing is, she's going to do this regardless of what you say, think, or feel. You need to decide if this is something you're willing to let go of or not. If you don't think you can handle being in a relationship with her after this month, then you need to end it. If you want to give it a try lay out some ground rules for going forward in your relationship. Tell her that if she wants to be with you, then no more stripping. You have every right to tell your partner what kind of behaviors you won't stand for in a relationship. That's part of the compromise.
FWIW, I had a GF who I loved dearly make decisions along these same lines and it bothered me too. She worked one summer as a cleaning lady, and a couple of the clients paid her double to do the work topless. She accepted. It was a tough one for me to wrap my head around and it led to regret in her later. We were able to work past it though, but it definitely didn't feel right even though it was nothing sexual she was doing other than being partly naked.
I hope you can find something in here that's useful to you. Good luck.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): The key is this statement."But to me it's not just a job, it's a breach in the fidelity of our relationship."Also, clubs have lots of alcohol, lots of drugs, and prostitution heavily involved in most of them. Don't kid yourself, she is in debt, she is vulnerable to being exploited (and is arguably being exploited in this job), and she may have other far reaching problems.There are other ways to get out of debt besides stripping.
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