A
male
age
41-50,
*orbandallas
writes:Ok Guys I need some serious help. I met this girl off a free online dating website about 3 months ago. She is the girl of my dreams, she's what I've wanted my entire life. There is a lot to this so I'll keep it as brief as possible. I'm 28 and she's 33.after the most 2 perfect months of my life I went out of town for my brothers wedding for 10 days. During this time I texted her everyday and emailed her. I wanted to reassure her that I wasn't going to lose interest, and she thought I was going to.When I came back everything fell a part. We agreed to take down our profiles and not to see other people but when I asked her in the past if she'll be my girlfriend she says, that I'm not ready, she's not ready, and she doesn't want to get hurt again (Her ex of 6 years cheated on her twice, the first time she took him back). So one evening we're talking on the phone and she says shes unhappy and sad. I've heard this before and I've tried to help and ask questions and the only answer I get is "Life is hard sometimes, thats all". This time I asked her if she was sad because she hadn't settled down like her sisters, and started a family and she said "yes". I asked her if that is why she wouldn't commit to me; BIG MISTAKE. She starts to yell at me, saying that I keep pushing her, that I need to live my own life and see other girls! Ok say I said to her "I thought we agreed not to see other people" she responds "no we agreed not to sleep with other people". Uh uh, so I ask her if she is seeing anyone else and she says "No, but if I am I'll let you know". She continues to ask me about where the guy was that she met before I left for the wedding, and I told her that I've just been feeling a little insecure. She said I sounded whiny and reminded her of her ex. I have to cut her off mid rant and say "lets forget this ever happened, and say goodnite". She agreed.Ok, now things get even more messed. I figure after a phone conversation like that she would need space, so I'll let her contact me. She texts me the next day asking me how I am, we text back and forth, laugh a bit. Later that evening she calls to say good night.The next day, I work and attend school, I get home from class at 10 pm and go straight to bed. I miss two of her phone calls and two texts, saying that I'm trying to forget her, and that I don't miss talking to her, and that I should call her or text her sometime. So I text her in the morning that I'm sorry I missed her calls and texts and that I was sleeping. She texts back "I think you're trying to forget me". I respond "no thats not it at all I was simply sleeping". She wants to talk after work.I text her on my lunch break as I usually do, and we text back and forth for a bit and then Wham! out of no where comes : "You were on a date last night, weren't you? She stayed the night thats why you couldn't answer the phone?" I respond "No, and I'm really getting tired of these accusations" (they've been going on for a while). She texts me "Hahaha, no you know how it feels eh?!" WTF! I don't respond to that.She calls me later that evening very upset. Claiming that I'm playing games, I don't miss talking to her, I'm trying to forget about her. All not true I was just giving her the space I thought she needed and I tried to explain to her this. Finally, she calmes down and asks me if I'd like to go for dinner tomorrow I tell I would love nothing more than to meet her for dinner.Now she starts asking me how my day went. I told her after work I went out for dinner with a female friend. This has driven her nuts in the past, no matter how many times I explain to her this girl is simply a friend nothing works. Of course she is upset again and I go through the whole routine again. The next day arives, she got "food poisoning" that day and wasn't hungry but wanted to come over to my place anyways. She arives, and with her she has all my clothes that I leave at her place for when I spend the night. I know this can't be good. She says I need to wash them.... right. So we hang out, I show her some pictures of my brothers wedding, and then she pulls me over to my bed and starts making out with me and cuddeling. Like everything is fine. Then she says to me "Whats wrong?". I say "Nothing, everything is great, I'm glad you're her". She says "somethings wrong, what happened to you last week?" I answer "I was just stressed". Everything is ok we cuddle, I don't try to have sex with her because I want her to know that I want her for more than that. Then I as I walk her back to the bus stop, she asks me what I'm doing tomorrow. I tell her that I'm going to that female friend of mines Bday party. She's furious, "who is this girl?, what kind of relationship do you have with her?". I tell her AGAIN she's just a friend, and invite her to come. I've asked her numerous times to meet my friend. She says that I don't really want her to come, that I'm just saying that. I try to convince her otherwise she tells me to just stop talking about it. ok, drop her off at the bus, I ask her if she is happy. She says yes kisses me and gets on the bus. Now I know this is disastrous, but I have no idea what to do, I'm not going to stop hanging out with my friends just because she is insecure.so the next day arives, she texts me a really nice tex. Something along the lines have a great day and enjoy the party. Later that night I text her from the party. She says she's sleeping. I text back sleep well and text me tomorrow. she responds "hahaha, enjoy the party".That was Saturday, sunday comes, and the accusations begin again by text. I'm losing my mind, I love this girl and no matter how much I tell I care about her, she still thinks I'm cheating. She threatens me "How would you like it if you some me with some guy in a restaurant laught". I text her back "I would be extremely hurt if I saw you with another guy. I'm not that kind of guy. I'm not your ex. I feel like I'm being punished for the way your ex treated. I'm not him. I only want to be with one girl and that girl is you". She apologizes. We speak that night on the phone, we don't discuss any of the acusations and agree to meet on tuesday for dinner. Now my mind, is thinking in over drive. I over analyze EVERYTHING and I think I she has threatened to meet another guy, she already has or shes thinking of it. So the next day I look back on the dating website that we met off, and her profile went back up that day! I'm devistated, absolutely crushed. I'm at work when I discover this. Her profile description is the lyrics to a song of a women who is fallen for a guy and doesn't want to get hurt again. And that she is wondering if the guy is in love with someone else. Now I don't know what to do so I turn to a friend for advice. He suggests we make the perfect profile and see if we can chat her up. Tuesday comes, and sure enough he gets her chatting, and asks if she would like to meet in person. She Agrees! She has to run though so she can't make plans at that point. So I'm so hurt, I send her text "I notice you're back up on ..... site. I'm tired of the drama, the games, and the accusations. I've had enough. This is goodbye".She deletes her profile 10 mins later and hasn't put it back up. That was Tuesday. I still want her. I'm wondering if she just lost interest or she did it because she wasn't getting the attention she needed from me. I think she did it because she doesn't trust me, but that could be just what I WANT to believe. I still want her back and I'm going crazy. No call or text nothing from her. Saturday comes, and I decide to call her, no answer. It is now Monday.My question to you guys, is this salvageable? Can I get her back? Has she lost interest? Does she hate me?I'm a complete mess. I can't eat, I can't sleep. I'm a walking zombie right now. I love her. The thing is she is the most beautiful woman I have every been with. Guys stare at her we she walks down the street, so I know she gets a lot of attention from other men. I fear if I don't act quickly I'll lose her, and then again if I do act too guickly I could push her away.Please Help. THanks.
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (6 November 2010):
Hi. Yes it is funny how life works out.
But everything in life does happen for a reason. It's always for the highest good of all concerned.
Although it might not always seem positive at the time, we also learn from our experiences and that's where the good comes from.
A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (4 November 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYeah, I couldn't keep to the no contact rule. This is the way I looked at it:
She walked away because she thought I didn't care about her and she couldn't trust me, so if I just let her walk away without trying, than that would reaffirm everything she believed. It didn't work though, probably too little too late. I think it would have happened eventually anyways.
Thank you Maria for your kind words. I especially appreciate that you said it's not a degradation of my abilities. I feel that if I handled the situation differently I could have kept her around a bit longer, but for how long? and I wouldn't have been true to myself.
I do now know all the red flags and I feel it was a great learning experience. This also made me realize how much someone's actions can really hurt someone. One of my ex's from about 4 years ago I didn't treat very well at all, and I always regretted it, in fact I regrettd breaking up with her. It has haunted me for so long and I have thought about her quite often. So a few days ago I sent her an email to apologize for the way I treated her, and to express my regret. She responded with a lovely email, and we're now friends. I almost cried reading her email lol, but it made me quite happy.
I feel like I have grown as a person because of this, and I'm now more mature. I realize that I'm quite inexperienced when it comes to relationships, but I feel more confindent and prepared now.
It just so happened a woman I used to work with 3 years ago texted me out of the blue yesterday, and we're going to go out next week! Strange how life works out sometimes.
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Couldn't keep the no contact rule huh? Well, I like getting to say "I told you so" sometimes, but this isn't one of them. At least you got some sort of closure out of it though! Best of luck finding someone physically AND emotionally available.
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela +, writes (2 November 2010):
 Well, realistically it sounds like a great learning experience. You have closure, you know what to do to move on. You are already feeling better, and sound like you have a good grasp on the situation and have made a great final assessment. It is true what she said about a girl being lucky to have you, it is rare to be so in touch with your feelings and a great attribute to possess. This will be an asset in any relationship you pursue in the future.Sometimes as much love and kindness as you provide, as understanding as you are there are no real answers. The fact that she wasn't emotionally mature or healed enough to be happy in a relationship or intimate is not a degradation of your abilities or contributions to the relationship and you know that. At this point you now have the ability to recognize these potential red flags in the future. I'm not saying to practice extreme caution or be apprehensive and suspicious, but to open your heart with caution until the other party has come to the table and shown you that they are emotionally available and ready for a commitment to intimacy.I hope your healing process continues to evolve, and that everyday is a little bit brighter. :)
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (2 November 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo it's been a while since I've posted anything here, but I thought I would update you all on what has happened. So about a week and a half ago I sent her an email, saying how much I like her, that I would never cheat on her etc. You get the picture. She texted me four days later saying that I'm a really great person any girl would be lucky to meet me, but that I just don't understand her. So I responded asking what it is I don't understand about her. Her answer: everything. She sent me another text saying that I should forget her, it would best for both of us, goodluck and goodnight. I figured there was no point in dragging it out, so I responded: I really tried to understand you. I wish you all the best and Goodnight.
It's been 4 days since then, and surprisingly I don't feel as bad as I thought I would, I still sorta miss her, I think. She's still on mind, but I feel a lot better. I don't think I will every truly understand, I thought she had just lost trust in me, maybe she did and just had enough.
I kind of want to use the post just to express myself. I really do wish the best for her. I feel sorry for her because I think she's really struggled with relationships in the past. I don't think she is really all that happy either, something seems to be eating at her, and I wish I knew what that was. I would really like to be the guy in her life that makes her happy, but in her current state she is incapable of being in a relationship, so I believe. I know she is probably already looking for someone else, that bothers me a little bit but, not as much as it once did. I don't know if she will ever come back to me, but I think dating some other people might make her realize how well I did treat her, and how much I really did care for her. I'm not holding my breath though.
It's amazing how in as little as 3 months I fell this hard for a woman. I have never had this kind of feeling, or connection, or whatever you want to call it with anyone before. That's it I guess..
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (19 October 2010):
Hello again. WOW!! Boy is she mixed up.
She wants you one minute, then the next minute she says that you are whiney - just because you ask her to clarify things for you.
She wants to sort of have some kind of relationship with you, but only on her terms. And she doesn't even know what those terms are. She keeps changing the rules. If she doesn't know what she wants - who does?
The longer you hang around with a person like that, it's just going to bring you completely undone. You would like a genuine, loving relationship, but she is undecided.
She is all messed up, perhaps she is even suffering from some kind of depression, because her behaviour is definitely not rational - it's quite neurotic. Bordering on psychotic.
From what you have said in your last two comments, it does sound like to even think about continuing with trying to make this work, is really inviting trouble. It does seem like an uphill battle.
She is playing games with you - perhaps not intentionally, but it sure comes across that way. It seems vindictive, like she assumes you are the same as that last guy who actually DID cheat on her. She just can't move on past it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 October 2010):
Well, if there ever was a silver lining to such a situation, you now have bigger concerns than her to worry about. I hope you find a new job soon, and one that you enjoy more than your last!
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (18 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo make matters worse, I was just laid off today. I have about 2 maybe 3 months to find another job. When it rains it pours I guess. I really didn't like my job but at least it paid the bills!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 October 2010):
All these actions are those of someone who is incredibly insecure. She's not ready for a relationship, at least not one that will work.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (18 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I'm starting think that she might be a bit narcissistic.
Heres just a couple of reasons why I think so:
1) If I went out with my friends more then once a week, she would get angry and ask me why.
2) Once she claimed we made plans to do something one day, which is news to me because I told her I was going to see a friends gig and I had invited her, but she said no because she had to work. The next day she was angry, stating that I broke plans with her.
3) The constant accusations and incredible jealousy. She asked me questions about my female co-workers, how often I see them, do I go for dinner with them.
4) She got angry at me for having dinner with one of my female friends, and going to her birthday party the same week.
5) She said she didn't like not knowing where I was, wondering who I was with if I hadn't talked to her in the evening. Even if I answered her call and told her who I was with, if it was a female she would still get angry.
6) Once I missed her phone calls, because I came home late from class and went to bed. She sent two texts that night saying I was ignoring her and that I don't miss talking to her. The next day I text her saying I was asleep when I missed her calls, and then she accused me of sleeping with another women.
7) her behaviour became a little more erratic, one minute she would be sweet and then the next cold. If we fought about my "cheating" the next time we talked, it would be as if it never happened
8) She always blamed me for, everything, saying that I did not make an effort to get to know her and understand her. I gave her every opportunity to talk to me.
9) She never really seemed to care about my emotional well being. Once she claimed that I sounded whinny and that I reminded her of her ex.
10) She put her profile back up, was she thinking of finding someone while dating me? or was she planning on moving on?
11) She said we should see eachother on Tuesday's and Fridays which we have been doing for about month. Then I asked her one night when she would like to get together next she was apparently busy the whole week?! I said to her I thought we were suppose to see eachother on Tuesdays and Fridays. She laughed and said "did I say that?" I responded it doesn't sound like you want to see me, and she gets angry, and calls me whiny. Ummmm, so if I'm not available to take your call, I'm apparently cheating, but when I ask you if you don't want to see me I'm Whiny and needy?
These things are just a few that I could think of, but I believe she might be a bit narcissistic. Why would I want to be with someone like this? I think I'm starting to talk myself in the right direction.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (18 October 2010):
Hello. There is reason for doubt, definitely.
She seems to be on a big ego trip somehow, who knows why?
She was with a guy who she said cheated on her a few times even after a breakup then a makeup. So because of this, she now says she has trust issues with all men.
On the surface, this is understandable though not completely reasonable.
It has just come to me, that at some level perhaps she is going to muck every man around, because of these doubts - like getting her revenge - so that no man knows where he stands and like you, wonders what the hell is going on with her. She wants to get all men back for the last one. It's a payback - even though she has no reason to punish all of them.
It seems that she is taking this path, doesn't it?
Even though you have done absolutely nothing wrong to hurt her, she is apparently telling herself that every single tiny little thing you do, that somehow you are cheating on her or at least contemplating doing so.
This is the insecurity I was speaking to you about earlier. She has tarred all men with the same brush as the previous "cheater" boyfriend, and assumes that no man can be trusted. Or at the very least, she is not comfortable with trying to trust men.
Then as she says she's not ready for a relationship, she also starts to mention or hint that she is about to go looking for another partner.
She really is very mixed up and doesn't know what she wants, or where she's going. She seems like a lost soul.
Keeping all of this in mind, plus what you have said in your last comment, it seems you are better off without her altogether.
You are getting unsettled and unhappy, and feeling full of doubt towards her, these are all very negative things indeed. They are definitely not a good way to be feeling in a relationship. As well as her trust issues towards you, it's also causing the same doubts in you.
The way she's acting now, is very unstable and doesn't sound very promising if you are hoping to be happy with her again. The possibility of that now, sounds like light years away.
Insecure people can be very challenging to deal with, because it doesn't matter how hard you try to convince them of how you feel, and that you'd never hurt them, they just won't believe it - they don't want to. It's like beating your head up against a brick wall. Incredibly frustrating.
Hope this helps you. Take care.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (17 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSorry to rehash this again but something just dawned on me today. Her behaviour over the two weeks before it ended:
1) constant accusations I was seeing someone else
2) She drops off my clothes at my house about 1.5 weeks later
3) I go to my friends Bday party
4) Next day accusations start again. She asks how I would feel if I caught her having dinner with some other guy. I tell her I would feel hurt.
5) The VERY NEXT DAY she has her profile up - with the lyrics about a girl who falls for a guy who might be in love with someone else blah blah blah
6) My friend makes the perfect profile and chats her up the next day. She says she's interested in meeting people in person.
7) I text her goodbye
8) I don't hear from her for almost a week, she doesn't answer one of my phone calls.
9) I send her flowers and we have that text conversation, and she said she got hurt, and accused me of being on the site the entire time.
Ummm, I'm wondering if she really was hurt? was this just an act? I mean I tell her that it would hurt me to see her with another guy and she puts up the profile again? Another thing when she dropped off my clothes she said something wierd "I should delete my pictures from your computer so you don't miss me".
Sounds like to me she was about to start seeing other guys either while with me or break it off with me. If that were the case and I say goodbye umm, is she really that afraid to get hurt again?
Why I keep bringing this up I don't know. Now I'm not sure what was going on the entire time. Is she really the person I thought she was...
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela +, writes (17 October 2010):
Everything heals in time. Time and space - let life happen, make choices to benefit you, and do things you love and that you are great at.
In time you will start to feel normal again.
Even the tiniest crush/infatuation stings when you lose it, for whatever reason. So don't belittle your feelings, they are legitimate - just not productive if you want to move in a different direction.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (17 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the question
She is from Vietnam, She`s live in the Canada and the states for the past 10 years, and yes we have been seeing eacthother quite often. Roughly 2 times a week maybe more. Before I left for my brother`s wedding we saw eachother almost everyday for a week. Since I came back we haven`t saw a lot of eachother.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (17 October 2010):
Hi there. I have read a lot of your question (and not even all of it), about two-thirds, and already I can see a pattern starting to form.
You say you met on a free online dating website.
I have some questions before I answer any further. They are:-
(1) Is she also Canadian?
(2) If not, where does she come from?
(3) Have you actually met each other in person?
I'm asking this because it sounds like you aren't actually seeing each other in person.
You are doing a lot of speaking to each other by texting, emails or online chatting.
Could you clarify this for me please? (Thanks).
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (16 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI know that if she does try and contact me, unless she has changed, this will all happen again and I can't deal with it.
I feel like a fool for investing so much into her, but can't help the way I feel. I'd like nothing more than to delete her from my brain's memory banks lol! But I can't help the fact that I do want her back. I think I just need time to forget about her. She`s on my mind constantly.
I`m thinking about putting my profile back up, but apparently I already hurt her, she will definitely see it. It would probably even hurt her more, or maybe she wouldn`t care at all. Anyways, I`m going back to living life in a normal and productive way.
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela +, writes (16 October 2010):
Be strong, set your standards and make sure they are firm and not moved.
If she decides to get into contact with you and you feel it is too soon for you, and that you need a little time - take it. That is your right.
A majority of your relationship with this girl was focused on her needs and wants, and there is nothing wrong with shifting to yours.
If she really cares about you she will realize that she didn't treat you well, and that her past experiences got in the way of your happiness as a couple. She will make these changes on her own, and possibly reach out to you.
It is really up to you to make a decision if in fact this scenario becomes reality.
Currently I don't see her changing much, or even pretending to want to - most of the time it seems she shifted all of the blame on you.
If she does reach out and make contact try to remember all of the pain and frustration that came with her as your girlfriend. Push that to the front of your psyche and use that as a barometer.
Are you willing to put up with her inconsistencies, and innability to evolve in order to be with her? If you are not - then you know what you need to do.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (16 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk, so what should I do if she does come around again? I'm not sure how likely that is, but I think it would be pretty hard for me to turn away.
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela +, writes (16 October 2010):
I think starting to date right now might be a good distraction but nothing more. Do yourself a favour and don't jump into another relationship cause you'll likely be putting some poor soul through being an ex substitute and she'll end up not being able to live up to your expectations.
The problem with wanting somebody not in their current state, and needing them to change in order for your relationship to work is that it indicates you are betting on them as a work in progress. So the entirety of your relationship is contingent on her changing and evolving to suit your idea of what she should be or what she needs to be. If she isn't willing to make these changes then ultimately the goal you've created mentally will never be met. You have to realize that wanting to change someone will only make them resent you. Even pull away from you.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (15 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Maria for your response, it is very insightful. It's amazing how emotions can cloud your judgment and make even the simplest task seem impossible. You're right I have put her on a pedastel but, understand that in the beginning it was amazing. She really is a great woman. I've never had a connection like that before.
I think I wanted this to work so badly because of so many other failed "relationships". In most those cases I have chosen the wrong person. I feel this girl is right for me, but not in her current state.
Do you think she will ever come back? I know the best thing for me is to move on. And would it be a bad idea for me to start dating again soon? I feel that maybe it will help me to move on.
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A
female
reader, Maria-consuela +, writes (15 October 2010):
The fact that she is beautiful and desirable is wonderful, but if you are so intimidated that you put her on a pedastel you are in trouble.
She seems to be playing alot of games, keeping her options open, being overly envious and jealous - suspicious and manipulative.
As much as you have said that you really like this girl, and that she is your perfect match - I don't think your perfect match would treat you like this, or be so clearly incompatible in areas of communication and understanding. I understand what it feels like to feel hopeless and in love, lost and frustrated - it is all consuming, rarely logical and makes most of the easiest tasks unbearable. But if you are getting this many mixed messages early on and you have been nothing but honest and open with her - it is really a question of whether or not your devotion is being reciprocated.
Sometimes you have to look at things from a clinical perspective - she seems unnavailable to your signals - and combative even with basic conversation. She is obviously very hurt and broken down from the previous relationship and taking it out on you.
You have done nothing wrong, but there is also little in this situation that you can do right. You stick around you run the risk of being the rebound that gets the emotional crap beaten out of them - a sacrificial lamb - voodoo doll representation of the dreaded ex - or she ends up decided herself after a couple months that she isn't ready for a commitment and breaks it off with you.
Either way you get your heart broken, after all of your efforts.
I'm not saying you aren't the exception to the rule. Girls with recent exes aren't always so fractured that they can't create a healthy relationship with someone new - but the way that she has treated alot of the situations you've been in - the avoidance, then clingyness - the jealousy, then disinterest - these mixed signals indicate an emotional instability.
I hope you are as careful as you can be in your quest - Just for your own sake - be careful - tread lightly - and look to her past actions - the history you've had to learn about the future. The best way to predict future behaviour is to learn from the past.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 October 2010):
That would be fine. I think it would be too difficult for you to try and be her friend given your feelings for her. Time may change that though.
I'm glad to hear you're finally getting some piece of mind. Take care and good luck.
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A
male
reader, corbandallas +, writes (14 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks everyone for your advice. Last night I slept through the entire night for the first time in a month :)
At the moment I feel like reaching out to her and comforting her, even though I know nothing I do will make things better, it will probably make things worse. I think she needs a good friend more than anything right now in her life. It's clear to me now that what she was unhappy with all this time was the break up with her ex, and the emotional trauma that she is still dealing with.
I don't know if there is any chance of us getting together in the future, I'd like to think there is, but not now. If I don't hear from her in a month I think I might send her a quick email just asking her how she's doing, to keep the lines of communication open. Do you guys feel this would be ok?
This will be my last question lol. Thanks all once again, you've all been very helpful.
Cheers!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 October 2010): This girl certainly isn't in the right state to start up a relationship. If she does, as she is, she's going to continue with the accusations and be jealous of every female in your life. She definitely isn't over what happened with her ex.
That said, I don't think you would be happy in this relationship with her at this time. It would be incredibly stressful and go a lot like it has been going, which you clearly do not like.
I'd say move on from this as best you can. Spend time with your friends, don't talk to her, and get involved in some hobbies you love doing. It hurts at first, yes, but with time, this will get better.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (14 October 2010):
"What do you think? Do you think it's a good idea I leave her be? let her contact me if she wants? And be more assertive?
I'm not sure she is capable to be with anyone in her current state. I think she is looking for the "perfect man" to come along, sweep her off her feet, and solve all her problems. She said that I was exactly what I was looking for; well I don't know how many other guys would put up with all of this for so long. Maybe she'll realize she did find the right guy, and the problem is with her."
Yes. If there ever was a way for this to work, this would be exactly it. Nobody will be good enough for her right now and you are correct that she will not have a meaningfull relationship until she works past her issues. Being willing to work through it with her is a noble ambition but something that will be nearly impossible to do because she simply won't let it happen. Unfortunately she can't yet.
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reader, corbandallas +, writes (14 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much for your response. What you have said is exactly what all of my friends have been telling me. I'd really like things to work out but I have to let go. I'm not going to chase her anymore, in fact as you can see I stated at that I would contact her in a couple of days. I've decided I'm not going to. I think it's best for her to come back to me, if she wants to.
If she does come back I think it's best that we take things slow. I think sex should be out taken out of the equation for a while as well. I also think if she starts behaving like this again, with the constant accusation, and little consideration for my well being that I have to man up more and put my foot down. Maybe if I was a little more aggresive and didn't tolerate her irrational behaviour she might come to her senses, then again she may not.
I've been too eager to please her. Earlier on our "relationship" I didn't put up with her crap and she became distant. Maybe if I stuck to my guns more she would realize that her insecurities are unfounded. But, as you can see, even when I did try to please her she still ran back to the online dating site. I think she might have done that to make me jealous, and gain my attention, or maybe I'm delusional. I'm blinded by feelings for her and I realize I need to step back and rethink things.
What do you think? Do you think it's a good idea I leave her be? let her contact me if she wants? And be more assertive?
I'm not sure she is capable to be with anyone in her current state. I think she is looking for the "perfect man" to come along, sweep her off her feet, and solve all her problems. She said that I was exactly what I was looking for; well I don't know how many other guys would put up with all of this for so long. Maybe she'll realize she did find the right guy, and the problem is with her. I don't know. Anyways, thanks very much for your response.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (14 October 2010):
Ok, gotta say, your name is from one of my favorite movies. I'm also going to start by saying that you're probably not going to like my thoughts on your problem.
Here it is, she is not over her ex. Sure, she's not wanting to get back with him, but the problems he caused for her are still fresh. You've realized that. You were right when you called her out on transferring her fears and feelings about him onto you. The problem is that this will not get better any time soon. She is going to continue to torture you like she is. She will also continue to be excessively jealous.
You haven't done anything wrong. It is healthy to have friends outside of a relationship. You should never need to apologize for that. You should also not have to beg for forgiveness if you spend time with them. What you have to look forward to is her forcing a decision in the future if you stay with her. She will say it is your friend or me. Nobody has the right to force such a choice. But, I'm getting ahead of myself.
Think about the strife you've gone through in just 3 short months. Sure, she's hot, and probably wild in the sack... The crazy ones usually are. It's hard to say why she's flipped like she has. It could be that her ex did a number on her, but it could be just as likely that he cheated because he couldn't take her shit. She displays a lot of red flags in my book. She's manipulating you, making you apologize for things that weren't even offenses. She has you wrapped around her finger. Why are you so eager to bend to her every whim? Shouldn't she want to make you happy too? What she's doing is making you miserable so you feel worthless. That way you're easier to manipulate.
I know this sounds harsh, but I'm hoping you can step outside of yourself and look at this objectively. Why are you letting her walk all over you? Are you really happy? You don't sound happy. If you stay with her, you have much more of this feeling to look forward to.
Maybe if you met at a different time, things could have been different. She really needs to work out her trust and betrayal issues before she can ever have a healthy relationship. You can try to help her through it, but very likely you will be a stepping stone to her next relationship. Seeing you will constantly remind her of the problems of her past and if she wants to move on from that, she'll need to move on from you.
I'm very sorry to say what I have. I know that these words aren't easy to read. You asked for my honest opinion and here you have it. I hope that you can find a solution that puts your happiness first, you diserve to be happy.
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reader, corbandallas +, writes (13 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo I called her, and she texted me back. This is the entire conversation. I need some help to figure out this out.Girl: “Thanks for the flowers, just don’t understand why do that, you said goodbye to me. I’m confused. But yeah, you don’t need to do that”.Boy: “Can I callyou?”Girl: “To talk about what?! Can’t ix anything, I got hurt enough”.Boy: “I’m sorry I lashed out at you, I was really hurt and I acted impulsively. I should have came and talked to you”.Boy: “ I feel responsible for the distance that has grown between us. I should have paid more attention to you feelings and what you have been trying to communicate to me. You must be really hurt and angry with me and I’m sorry”.Boy: “I like you so much and I miss you. I’ve been thinking about you non stop”.Boy: “ I should have recognized how hurt you feel and that you don’t feel special and appreciated and because of that I don’t think you trust me anymore. You have no idea how sad that makes me feel”.Boy: “You are beautiful not just on the outside but on the inside as well. You have a kind and gentle way about you that would make anyone feel fortunate to have you in their life. Some how even when I’ve had a crappy day at work just seeing your smile or thinking about you brightens my day”.Boy: “I care about you and I don’t want to lose you”.Girl: “Why all of these things not in your mind while you say goodbye to me ?!”Boy: “Cause I acted in the moment. I was so crushed I left the office and sent you that text without thinking and I deeply regret doing that. I should have talked to you. I’m so sorry. I haven’t stopped thinking about you. I’ve been a fool”.Girl: “I just scared to hear those words, you can’t just say and then take it back because feeling isn’t s a game to play with. That website is where we met. You shouldn’t make it a big deal because when I get off the website you still on it. You’re jealous with wrong reason”.Boy: “ I never opened my account again after we agreed to delete ours. I was worried I was losing you so I searched the site and found your profile. My account has been deleted for months”.Boy: “I have no reason to find another girl. You have everything I want in a girl. I feel so lucky that I met you. You are what I’ve been looking for”.Boy: “My father cheated on my mother. I can’t tell you how many times I stayed up all night with my mother trying to comfort her. I swore I would never be like him”.Girl: “You know that you got a special spot in my mind. But to you I’m not that special yet. I don’t make you have to stop seeing your friends I just wondering why too much about her. I don’t like when I don’t know what you’re doing and then I found out you have dinner with girl friends more than twice a week.Boy: “I know I have been an incredibly insensitive jerk. I put my friends before you. You’re more important to me than them and I haven’t shown that to you. You are very special to me”.Girl: “And you acting weird since you back from Toronto all together, made me wonder”.Boy: “Cause I like you so much I didn’t want you to feel pressured. I thought you wanted some space. I’ve been an idiot”.Girl: “ You are a great person, you have everything than and girl would feel lucky to be around with. I understand you reaction but it’s something else”.Boy: “I was worried that I wasn’t enough for you. I have been constantly second guessing myself”.Boy: “You’re an amazing woman. I’ve never met anyone like you”.Girl: “I want attention from the guy I like, never too much”Boy: “I noticed. I’ve been trying to figure out how much attention you want. I’ve been so confused”.Girl: “You just applied me same as any girls you date with. You didn’t try to understand me more, I am just me”Boy: “I’ve been trying to figure out what you wanted and I haven’t been doing a very good job. I want to understand what you want”Boy:” I want to understand you more and I want to get to know you better”.Girl: “You already step into my life, you will stay in my heart. I just really don’t want to get hurt anymore”.Boy: “Neither do I. I think things moved really quickly. I think we need to get to know eachother better. I want to get to know you better”.Girl: “Because that’s me. I don’t play game like you said. I do what I feel like to do. Life is short I want to enjoy every single moment if I can. I don’t waste time for any kind of mind game, I’m simple and just want a simple life”.Boy: “Ok then lets keep things simple and take it slow so we get to know each other better”Girl: “I’m sorry. I can’t take the pain again Sean. You would say goodbye that easy I will have big chance to hear that again pretty soon”.Boy: “No Anny I won’t. I really really want this to work more than anything I’ve ever wanted to before. I can’t walk away, I just can’t. I’m crazy about you. You are the girl I’ve been waiting for. We had a rough couple of weeks. I know we can get past this I think we just need to slow things down”.No response for 20 minsBoy: “Think about it and I’ll call you in a couple days”.No response, conversation ends at 1am.I think I'm not understanding what she is trying to say to me. I think that I expected too much from her too early. Pushing some degree of commitment. I don't know, I'm really confused. I don't know what to do know. Any insight from female readers would be much appreciated.Thanks very much.
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reader, corbandallas +, writes (13 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSo the flowers were delivered at 8 pm, but she wasn't home. She`s not much of a night owl so she should be home soon... We would usually talk every night around 10-1030. Should I still call tonight?
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reader, corbandallas +, writes (13 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell the flowers were delivered, but she wasn't home. Do you think I should still call her tonight? She's not much of a night owl, so she should be home tonight...
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reader, corbandallas +, writes (12 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks very much for your advice. So here is the game plan. I have no idea what kind of flowers she likes but I know she really likes the colour white, so I'm going to get her a dozen white roses. I'm going to use your letter, not mine. I think you're right brief is better. She works today so the flowers should arive at her house around 730 to 8 in the evening. I Hope this works! I'll keep ya posted.
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reader, corbandallas +, writes (12 October 2010):
corbandallas is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for your response. I believe you are right a phone call would have been better. She has told me that she doesn't like texting. I tried calling her on Saturday, two days ago, with no answer. I'm not sure if she is going to answer another call. This is my plan:
I'm going to send her flowers and a note that says something along the lines of:
"Hi ...., I'm sorry I lashed out you, I was hurt and angry. I've been thinking about you since then. I'd really like to talk with you. I'll call you in a couple of days so you can think things over"
Do you think this is good idea? I've already tried calling her and she didn't answer. I need to let her know that I care about her some how.
Thanks.
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