A
male
age
51-59,
*onfused32571
writes:This week I told a female friend (I am male) I thought we should stop talking for at least a while. Now I feel a deep hollowness as well as guilt for breaking off contact with someone who has relied upon me. Let me give you a little backstory, and then I would greatly appreciate your advice and feedback.This girl is a model from Russia. I do art on the side and we met through a modeling site for artists, photographers and models. She was very sweet and seemed to want to be friends with me so our relationship developed. She also began asking for help with things: money to rent a car, help paying her rent, driving her to and from the airport, and driving lessons. Whenever we went out anywhere--to the movies, to dinner--I would pay. She did not take much interest in my life, but shared her problems with me. I always tried to help.It seemed one-sided, but she called me regularly and kept in touch. She called me her "best friend." She is beautiful, and has dreams of being an actress or model. I made peace early on with the fact that she was not interested in me romantically as she has dated very rich men, and I felt, being 10 years older and not rich, it would not work out. I also know she is seeing a photographer (who is married) and is always being chased by men.Yet, I began wondering if she was sincere, whether she really liked me or was using me. There were signs of the latter in the last few months: she would promise to call at a certain time, but either never did or would call much later. Once I went to meet her in her apartment to take her to eat but when I got there and texted her, she was not there. She texted me back that she was downtown and could I meet her there or maybe she would come and take the subway back uptown.And in all the time I knew her and did things for her, she never once bought me a gift or sent me anything personal.The straw that broke the camel's back for me was when I picked her up from the airport two weeks ago. I took off the afternoon from work on that Friday and came in on Sunday to make up the time. When I picked her up on Friday we made plans to see a movie on Sunday night. I called her on Sunday morning from the office and she said she would call me back in an hour. The day passed and I did not hear from her. I did not call her as I wanted to see if she would call. She didn't.I got some texts and emails from her the next day, apologizing that at 5:30 PM she fell asleep and did not wake up until 2:30 AM. She was still adjusting to the time difference, she said. I ignored her and then wrote her back that this was not relevant: she didn't call me all day! She wrote back that her head was so confused that she forgot, and that I was giving her too much stress about it. To me, this was a clear indication that I was not important to her. Here I was working in the morning at my job to make up time and she forgot to call me, even after we spoke briefly in the morning about it. How do you forget to call a “best friend”?Eventually, that week we spoke briefly, and she was tried so she said she would call me back on Friday between 6 and 7 PM. She called at 8 PM. I did not reply. We spoke again this week and I told her I thought we should not talk for a while. She agreed, saying I was driving her crazy and driving myself crazy. This was true, I thought, but she is doing her part in this craziness as well.I am now lonely, confused and hurt. We have not spoken for days now and probably will not speak for a while. But I cannot trust her. Am I being too harsh? Is the forgetting to call understandable, even in the context of other things that happened?I would greatly appreciate all your input. Thank you very much.
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male
reader, confused32571 +, writes (2 November 2010):
confused32571 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCindyCares,
Your answer is straight-on. Thanks for the clarification. I am an American so things are a little less traditional here. But your breaking down of the situation, what is expected and what is out of bounds is helpful.
As for what you say here:
"Human- but dangerous . Basically you were ,in a way, willing to pay for the privilege of hanging out with an out of your league girl , she sensed that immediately and worked it to her own advantage."
You are spot-on in how she sized up the situation. She sensed that I was willing to pay for her beauty and she used it. I actually did care for her, though. I developed deep feelings at one point beyond just using her for "arm candy". But that was until I realized that she was not really treating me like a person, but rather as a means to an ends.
Of course, this has been hard because the more you invest in someone (or something) the more you want to invest. It is a vicious cycle. But it has to stop sometime. And that time seems to be now.
Thanks.
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Ok, let's clarify a bit some European social codes that may have left you baffled. The girl is clearly a user and a moocher as I will explain later, but, of course she would expect you'd pay dinner and movies for her. In most of Europe, and in Russia for sure, if you take out a woman you pay. Unless you are very young or very broke, like a high school student,or a minimal wage worker- but ,middle class over 30 male ? You pay.
I am not saying it's right , I am saying it's expected . This is what she is used to and won't feel overly obliged for a dinner, or even 50 dinners.
BUT : ( here's the moocher part ) no "normal " European girl will ask cash ,or help with rent and bills, to a guy she is not even dating or engaged to. In fact, unless it's really a real emergency, she would not even ask her boyfriend , it's considered tacky and inappropriate. It's confusing and a bit hypocritical if you want, : it's ok to accept expensive dinners, or expensive gifts ( clothing items, jewels, electronic equipment ) but no cash ,not even cab fare.
You got yourself a bit of an adventuress, a modern day Holly Golightly. There are so many beautiful girls with big dreams and a hunger for fame and money, the competition is fierce, and a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Particularly a Russian girl all alone in the States.
Let her go, she would just keep using you with always less scruples and always less mercy.
Since I am convinced though that there is a sort of connivence between predator and prey- please ask yourself if you would have been so generous and helpful had she been less physically attractive. No ,right ?
Human- but dangerous . Basically you were ,in a way, willing to pay for the privilege of hanging out with an out of your league girl , she sensed that immediately and worked it to her own advantage.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (1 November 2010): She is a user
She has no moral fiber in her body
She takes, takes, takes
You need to run, run, run away from her.
I am glad u have decided to see this user for what she is: from what u have written have u considered that perhaps she is a high priced whore?
Your life will be better off without her. She is not a friend. She is toxic and she will destroy you if u allow her to worm herself back into your life.
Good riddance to bad rubbish has not been so true
LoveGirl
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A
male
reader, confused32571 +, writes (1 November 2010):
confused32571 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball,
Thank you very much for all your input. I read your profile too. You are a very wise man.
Thanks very much.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 November 2010):
 "But what got me was that in all this time she did not get me anything--a card, a small gift of appreciation, even a postcard from Europe when she went back to visit. I figure that's a sign, no? In a normal relationship, shouldn't I expect that?"
Yup, that's a sign alright. In a normal relationship it would be normal for such behavior to occur. Heck, I've gotten post cards from friends even when I didn't know they'd gone anywhere.
Her dating a married man is less a sign of being untrustworthy and more a sign of her selfishness. Like you said, the benefits without the responsibility. Since she's not emotionally invested it doesn't matter who she may hurt. She truely doesn't care.
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A
male
reader, confused32571 +, writes (1 November 2010):
confused32571 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again.
Aunt Honesty--thanks for your honesty. But you don't think a woman who dates a married man is inherently untrustworthy? I mean, in dating the married man she is hurting his wife, and shows she does not care about her feelings. Also, it shows she may be playing around--getting the benefits of a relationship without having to make a commitment.
I guess what confused me in all this is the notion that a man should always pay for the woman, so I was not sure if she was using me. Maybe it was expected that I pay for everything.
But what got me was that in all this time she did not get me anything--a card, a small gift of appreciation, even a postcard from Europe when she went back to visit. I figure that's a sign, no? In a normal relationship, shouldn't I expect that?
Anyway, I am sorry for sounding naive, but this has been an honest query about an issue that has torn me up for some time. Thanks again.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (1 November 2010):
 Well it doesnt really make her untrustworthy he is the one that is married not her therefore he is the one that is cheating on his wife she is just the other woman, however i dont think she was ever in to you romantically or even cared about you she just used you for things and you let her take advantage of you.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (1 November 2010):
I guess her dating a married man didn't surprise me as she's so obviously a user. She only uses people for what they can do for her. That married man is nothing to her. I doubt she has any meaningful relationships in her life. All that her dating him does is prove this point, or add more proof to the pile.
I'm sure she has a few redeeming qualities, but you are definitely better off without her in your life.
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A
male
reader, confused32571 +, writes (1 November 2010):
confused32571 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI really appreciate the feedback. I am not sure I agree that it was too petty to get upset Sunday, given that I know she kept other appointments that day. But as people said, if it was the only occurrence, I would understand it. But she had regularly missed phone calls she said she would make, canceled appointments at the last minute, and not be where she was supposed to.
No one commented on the fact that she is dating a married man as well. Do you think this fact also adds to her untrustworthiness?
Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (30 October 2010):
The others are right you are a grown man you should stay well clear of her she has treated you like a bank that is all, if you took her out for a meal and asked her to pay half believe me you would see another side to her that you wouldnt like, all the same though i feel sorry for you its not nice to be told that you have been used and this girl took advantage of your kind nature and generosity but sweetie you cant buy friendship the friends that dont ask for anything other than company are who truely matter.
Obviously you have developed some feelings from her because you have been left hurt, but believe me through time you will see that this is for the best in the long run if it kept going the way it was going who knows you might have ended up with no money at all and if that happened believe me she wouldnt think twice on turning her back on you, you deserve so much better than this so try and go out and keep yourself busy meet new people and hang out with friends. Just remember it is her loss not yours and you done nothing wrong her she took advantage of your kindness.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 October 2010): Sounds like she used you to get things done, but don't forget th fact that in Europe its very traditional for a man to pay for dinners for a girl or whenever you go outwith a woman.
The fact that she didn't pick up a tap doesnt mean she took you for a ride in this case, she just didn't think that this is what she was supposed to do at least sometimes.
Other things indicate that she is just using you as obidient servant, but who let that happened ---You!!!
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A
male
reader, mrvhappy  +, writes (29 October 2010):
Hi,
Front what you have said, it sounds like shes using you when she's at a loose end or needs a taxi service.
I wouldnt call her a best friend as a BF is there for you too. This sounds like a one way relationship.
If I was in yr position, i would say byee forever..move on and find a real friend
Good luck
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (29 October 2010):
 I do think she was using you for money. But you have to admit that your final "staw" was a bit farfetched. There's a bit of a time difference between Russia and the States, and you should try to do that trip and NOT have your head mess with you. You also know from when you are tired yourself how difficult it is to remember about everything. The fact that she did not call you that day doesn't really matter, and the time difference IS relevant.
How she has treated you every day since you met her however is quite different. She has totally been using you for money. Some guys thinks this is ok, while others don't. You're not rich, so obviously you can't just buy her things for the rest of her life. And you shouldn't either, you should only offer to pay what you feel you can afford, the rest she should pay herself. If she decreases contact with you because you stop paying and doing errands for her, then you know what the "friendship" was all about.
Other than that, women love to talk about themselves, and unless you speak up we will assume you like to hear about our lives as well and feel ok with it. Some guy's just don't like to talk about themselves and are quite happy in that situation. She just thought you were one of those guys?
If the friendship doesn't suit you, just drop it like you have. Really. If you feel used you probably are being used. And it does sound like it to. I've just learned a bitter lesson of that myself: never mix money with relationships/friendships. It messes it up. If she needs money she should go take a loan in a bank.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
I can completely understand why you're feeling this way, but you did absolutely the right thing. She's a user. She didn't care about anything more than what you could do for her. She's not likely to change either.
Her forgetting to call this time could be ok in the context, but if you look at the whole situation as you've laid it out, it is a pattern. Her lack of interest in you isn't how a friend acts. Her never grabbing the tab and only getting in contact when she needs something means you're nothing more to her than a free taxi who takes her out sometimes and always pays. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh.
Again, you did the right thing. It's too bad that she'll probably never appreciate what she's lost. Next time she calls for a ride, you're too busy, no matter what.
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A
female
reader, shania +, writes (29 October 2010):
 What a user, and im afraid she took your generosity to the highest limit! This woman is a 1st class gold digger,thats why she dates older,rich men....she saw you as another meal ticket.You have done nothing wrong, you were used im afraid.
You need to forget her.
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