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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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Don't read into it.... (read in full...)
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Perso... (read in full...)
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A. 20 October 2010: Embrace it. I have a friend who has the same thing and she likes to show people her "tail." It's nothing to be ashamed of and if you take charge of it people will be unlikely to tease you. If it really bothers you, then you may want to go to the ... (read in full...)
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A. 19 October 2010: Male orgasms are really hard to control. I would suggest asking him to tell you when he feels like he's getting close and maybe slow things down. He's likely the best person to tell you what you were doing. ... (read in full...)
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A. 19 October 2010: So you want us to read her mind...
Sorry, but the only person who can tell you how she feels is her. It's been said that with great risk sometimes comes great reward. Maybe it's time for you to put your feelings out there and see how she reac... (read in full...)
Do guys like this?
Q. do guys like it when you say there name during intercourse?...
A. 19 October 2010: Hey! She told me that it happens to everyone sometimes. It does, doesn't it??? :-P... (read in full...)
He dumped me because he says I accuse him all the time
Q. i was dumped today by my partner of 4yrs , we have a child together and i have a child from a previous partner. reason for being dumped was because he was sick of me accusing him of stuff this is not the first time he has dont it we always get back...
A. 19 October 2010: You can love someone and still be exhausted by them. Think about it. What if you were constantly having to defend yourself from the person who you care about most? Nothing you do or say changes their mind. I'd probably give up just like he ... (read in full...)
I really like this girl, should I tell her?
Q. Hi readers! So I became friend of this girl that i like and today she said i was her best. about a week ago everyone started saying that she likes me, and when someone says that out loud she denies it. Also, I personally think that three other guys ...
A. 19 October 2010: Yes. She's likely denying her feelings because she's waiting for you to tell her you like her. It's either that or she truely just wants to be friends, but I'd venture it is that she likes you. All of her behavior is pointing in that direction. ... (read in full...)
Do guys like this?
Q. do guys like it when you say there name during intercourse?...
A. 19 October 2010: Sometimes. It depends on when and how. "Oh my god! Dirtball, you're such an animal!" Something like that is great. "Are you in yet Dirtball?" Not so much...... (read in full...)
What could his actions mean?
Q. Dear Cupid I take private piano lessons. The teacher is near the same age as me,(about 43). He seems shy and a bit nervous around women; you know, 'academic' looking; a bit 'geeky'. He also does transposition work for me on my music. ...
A. 19 October 2010: I wouldn't read anything into it. He may have left it on purpose, or he may have left it on accident. He may have the book to prepare for a new GF, or he may have left it in hopes you'd see it and think it cute.
If you like him, there is no ha... (read in full...)
I'm not sexually attracted to my girlfriend anymore!
Q. I love my girlfriend very much, we have been dating a good 2 years. The problem is is that I don't find her sexually attractive anymore. Because of this I have cheated on her a couple of times, once was on a break. I don't want to break it off ...
A. 19 October 2010: Break it off. You didn't break it off because you didn't want to hurt her... Really? How would she feel if she found out about your having cheated? Hurt. Devistated. Angry. Get over yourself. If you are unhappy enough to cheat, then man up ... (read in full...)
Is it necessary to tell someone you're dating about your past?
Q. How much do you tell a guy you love about ur past, about passed hook ups, stupid things uve done, is it really necessary? wouuldn't he have a bad image of me when i know that im not this person. Im afraid he wont trust me if he knows about my past ...
A. 19 October 2010: Usually your best bet is to not bring it up unless directly questioned. Then keep the answers honest but void of detail. The reason is retroactive jealousy. We see a lot of people who have trouble getting over some aspect of their partner's past. ... (read in full...)
How do I tell him I haven't had sex in 8 years?
Q. just started talking to an old boyfreind. Its been 19 years! We want to be together again and he is out of state, but coming back. How and do I tell him i havent had sex in 8 years? What will he think of that? Don't know what to do!...
A. 19 October 2010: I wouldn't say anything. Why bring it up? If I were going to say anything, I'd make a joke about being rusty or feeling like a virgin again because it's been so long.
Really, this information is unlikely to be a turn off or anything like tha... (read in full...)
Any tips on getting her back?
Q. Hello guys. im really grateful that you took some of your time in order to help me . my 2 years long distance relationship gf just broke up with me and honestly i dont blame her at all. i was bein so selfish lately. I even tried to make her stop...
A. 19 October 2010: Let her go. A long distance relationship is hard, and she probably couldn't take it anymore. Give yourself time to get over her and move on to someone close who you can actually be with.
If she doesn't want to be with you, then there is nothing ... (read in full...)
Should I try to make this work?
Q. this female is having this guy's baby after knowing him 3 months.in fact the guy is my ex-boyfriend who wants to get back with me. should i kick him to the curb or try an make it work....
A. 19 October 2010: Exes are exes for a reason and usually should stay that way. If he got another girl pregnant in the time you've been broken up that's drama you don't need.... (read in full...)
What does a guy feel when he's squeezing your breasts?
Q. My boyfriend of one year likes to squeeze and rub my breasts. I love it when he does that. We haven't had sex yet, but we want to do it soon. I'm ready for this, but we don't have enough privacy - we both live with our parents, and there's always ...
A. 19 October 2010: Grateful! Awesome answer Big Ron!
I feel comfort. I like breasts, it doesn't really matter the size. I particularly like to hold one while spooning. I don't know why. Some GF's have thought me perverted, others really liked it. Really, ... (read in full...)
Need an answer to a male orgasm question, please help??
Q. Hey, recently with my boyfriend I managed to "get his cum stuck in his cock" (his words) and he said it was absolutely amazing. The thing is I have no idea how I did this yet I'd like to do it again so if anyone knows what this is or how I would do ...
A. 19 October 2010: Basically he managed to hold back his orgasm and prolong the feeling. I would recommend looking into Tantric sex. I've read that prolonged male orgasms are very possible with this method. It's usually very slow and sensual.... (read in full...)
What do you make of his behavior??
Q. I like a guy on my uni course and ive been told he likes me too. We've kissed a few times when out with mutual friends and for the last few weeks spoke quite a lot on facebook etc. The last week though ive barley heard from him at all and when ive ...
A. 19 October 2010: He's moved on. He was into you, but since it never progressed, he has gone onto someone who would progress with him.
A lesson in life should be learned here. If you like someone, don't let them get away. Make your feelings known so that the... (read in full...)
Is there an easy way to tell him I no longer care??
Q. Whats the best way to break it off with someone? I've been with my boyfriend almost two years but I just don't feel the same anymore. Nothing really happened and I still care about him but I don't want to date anymore. I feel so bad and I really ...
A. 19 October 2010: Decide your course of action and stick to it. Often after a relationship is ended, we start thinking about the good parts and want to get back together. The problem is that it usually ends the same way it did the previous time once reality sets ... (read in full...)
Same sex relationship... How can I get her to be more sexual with me?
Q. hey, I'm writing to ask for advice on an issue im having with my girlfriend. this is our first gay relationship although i've slept with other girls before i met her. we've been together for about a year now. in the beginning she was very n...
A. 19 October 2010: You need to clearly express your desires to her. She doesn't get the whole "my turn your turn" thing so you need to educate her about this. It isn't fair to always be the giver or the initiator. It can turn a person into an emotional wreck. Her ... (read in full...)
Will weird nipples turn a guy off?
Q. I have ugly inverted nipples with weird bumps on my areola. What do guys think about it? Do they find it disqusting? Or a turnoff? ...
A. 18 October 2010: Nope, nothing to worry about. ... (read in full...)
He says I shouldn't hold my breath waiting for a relationship
Q. I have started seeing this guy and I absolutly, no doubt about it really like him. he says he likes me too but...theres always a but, he says he doesnt want a relationship with anyone and that I shouldnt hold my breath, though he keeps on talking ...
A. 18 October 2010: He's looking for you to be a friend with benefits. If that's not what you want, then you should move on. He is making his intentions clear, so it will not be his fault if you get hurt.... (read in full...)
Relationships need sex to survive. What if you're a virgin?
Q. Everybody is saying that relationship needs sex to survice. . Then i ask,what about bin a virgin til wedding day,doesn't it matter anymore?...
A. 18 October 2010: It is always up to the individual. I would only wait for someone if I was very much in love, but sexual compatability is very important to me, so I doubt I could do it. Knowing that about myself, I would not put someone in the situation where they ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's lady friend doesn't want me around!
Q. Bf of 5 yrs has platonic(beyond doubt)unattractive lady friend nad I have befriended her at my insistance!I have eaten out with her,got her blind dates,girly goss together n the 3 of us have been out.However when my BF visits her from time to time ...
A. 18 October 2010: She may resent you, but she may not. Who cares? If you trust your BF this shouldn't be an issue.
By the way, never force a "them or me" decision. This is NEVER a good idea. When forced to make that decision I always choose them, because ... (read in full...)
Does everyone here think I am about to make a huge mistake if I go out on a date with him?
Q. Hi everyone. I got some good advise over here in the past so thought I'd try again. So, a few months ago I was involved in a very awkward situation with two childhood friends both in love with me (rather, one in love, the other one confused as it ...
A. 18 October 2010: I think you were attracted to A because he was a "bad boy" who kept you guessing. Lots of girls are attracted to that, but it is usually bad for them.
You're thinking in the right direction. It wouldn't be fair to B if you haven't worked o... (read in full...)
Guys Only Please* nude pics of gf
Q. GUYS ONLY PLEASE I mean this, because girls view the world in a totally different way, and they all THINK they know what guys are thinking and the reasons behindd their actions, but are usually wrong. A girl asking for insight into a guy's min...
A. 18 October 2010: To answer your follow up question. Yup, those guys exist. In fact, the wife of one was here asking if it was normal. I remember he wanted her to show off her body. He would get aroused when people checked her out. He loved it and encouraged her ... (read in full...)
Does everyone here think I am about to make a huge mistake if I go out on a date with him?
Q. Hi everyone. I got some good advise over here in the past so thought I'd try again. So, a few months ago I was involved in a very awkward situation with two childhood friends both in love with me (rather, one in love, the other one confused as it ...
A. 18 October 2010: A definitely could, but you also didn't really do anything wrong. Still, that may not change the way B feels about it. I would still lean toward B. That animal attraction is nice, but usually fades pretty quickly too. ... (read in full...)
Guys Only Please* nude pics of gf
Q. GUYS ONLY PLEASE I mean this, because girls view the world in a totally different way, and they all THINK they know what guys are thinking and the reasons behindd their actions, but are usually wrong. A girl asking for insight into a guy's min...
A. 18 October 2010: Hmmm, well, it most definitely wouldn't be option B. Here's why. Guys have vivid imaginations when it comes to picturing the opposite sex without their cloths on. Plain and simple, they've already "seen" her naked without me ever having to show ... (read in full...)
My boyfriend's lady friend doesn't want me around!
Q. Bf of 5 yrs has platonic(beyond doubt)unattractive lady friend nad I have befriended her at my insistance!I have eaten out with her,got her blind dates,girly goss together n the 3 of us have been out.However when my BF visits her from time to time ...
A. 18 October 2010: I would say that you're overreacting. You stated that you have no reason to be jealous or suspect him of wanting to cheat with this friend, so why does it matter if they spend some time alone together? He shouldn't have to spend all his time with ... (read in full...)
Does everyone here think I am about to make a huge mistake if I go out on a date with him?
Q. Hi everyone. I got some good advise over here in the past so thought I'd try again. So, a few months ago I was involved in a very awkward situation with two childhood friends both in love with me (rather, one in love, the other one confused as it ...
A. 18 October 2010: I think you should give B a chance! He sounds nice and knows what he wants. The passion you felt with A can be addictive but also very dangerous emotionally. Look at the mess he's caused for someone else let alone you. Go with B. I wouldn't say ... (read in full...)
Thoughts on technology and long distance relationships
Q. It never fails to amaze me how many questions I see on here about long distance relationships (LDR's). I will admit, I understand the temptation. I've been there. I've tried it. I've concluded that they don't work. Still, what is it about these ...
A. 6 October 2010: I agree. I see a lot of questions on here from people who have been in a "relationship" with someone who they have never even actually spoken too. I think that if you tried explaining how this is a committed relationship to someone of my ... (read in full...)
The novice!
Q. This question may seem rather strange, but here goes: I'm 31, had no serious girlfriends, one just wanted me for sex, and the other lived at the other end of the country! I've never had sex, or even kissed (peck on the cheek) anyone! When I ...
A. 20 September 2010: Ok, the good and bad news is that she'll probably be able to tell the first time you snog. The key to being a good kisser is to react to what your partner does. People like to kiss in different ways, and you'll be able to tell pretty quickly what ... (read in full...)
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