A
female
age
41-50,
*ouvelle32
writes:My live-in boyfriend and I broke up 5 months ago and while I am better, it's still painful when you trust someone so much and believe in everything they have told you.All I want to know is, why after you have been so close to someone, woken up next to that person every single morning, can they flip a switch and be so cold? I just don't think I could ever do that to someone with whom I have shared something so special. Even a few months after the break-up he said that what we had was so beautiful and that I had been the most important person in his life ever (other than his mom) and that he had loved me more than he had ever loved anyone. How can a person walk away from that? Was he lying when he said that? Is he trying to convince himself that he doesn't love me anymore or can a person just wake up one day and not be in love anymore? That scares me because I am afraid I won't ever be able to trust anyone again if that's true. We were very affectionate even until the end... we still kissed and made out passionately, he still made my knees weak... so I didn't see it coming really. He said that he wanted to marry me and now he says, "he can't give me that part of himself." Whatever that means... he's always vague in his answers as to why he left. If anyone knows what that means, pls. tell me! All I wanted to know was why he stopped loving me and he can't tell me that.He has a new girlfriend now... I saw it on Facebook. It's a long distance thing... she lives like 5 hours away! I don't get why he gets rid of me, (we lived together and were so emotionally close) and now he has a long distance relationship? Sorry, but I know five months of separation is a long time, but we've talked some and he said he wanted to work on himself and his issues and he couldn't be in a relationship while doing that because he was afraid of hurting me, but now he can work on them with her? I don't get that. At one point he said he wanted to marry me and spend his life with me, but afterwards he said he "wouldn't make a good husband right now." I really thought there was a chance for us at some point and he even said that, but now he has a new girlfriend and suddenly he says definitively, "there is no future for us and he never wants to see me again" So now he will try for this one? Could it be a rebound?I know that I shouldn't care and should probably thank my lucky stars, but at the same time I miss him and what we had. I've never loved anyone as much as I loved him and no one has ever hurt me as much as he did when he left. I am jealous that he has someone new when I haven't even dated or slept with anyone since the break-up. I know that I will heal with time, but my question is (besides some of the others at the top) to you guys out there... why do you become instantly cold after a break up? It's like one day we were in love and the next we broke up and he became ice cold to me. Is this some sort of defense mechanism? A friend of mine who went through a break-up (and then a year later they reconciled) said that her guy treated her the same way. It's just so heartless and cruel.
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reader, lexusblue +, writes (2 January 2011):
Wow. I can totally feel what you are going through. My ex broke up with me and was very mean about it. He commented that he wasn't happy anyway. I asked him why did he stay he replied he wanted to make it work.
I keep replaying the phone conversation over and over again. He told me he was in love with his daughter's mother. He said she was his heart. In the next breath he said he loved me. I was so confused.
My situation was I never communicated with him very well. There would be times I didn't call him. Sometimes when he called me I wouldn't answer the phone. He really wanted a commitment, but it made me afraid. He expected a lot out of me that I couldn't do.
I'm trying to get over him, but its so hard. his mom calls me and wants me to visit her. Everytime I hear her voice it makes me think of him. my aunt told me that i have unresolved issues with him and until i get them resolved it will be hard for me to move on. help me. i'm so depressed.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (1 November 2010):
 FWIW, I don't think you loved him too much. It's possible you may have smothered him. That happens sometimes in relationships, and I have a tendency to do that as well.
It's true that sometimes the alure of that which we cannot have is very powerful. I know that I can't have the person I want, but that doesn't make the feelings go away that I have for her.
I'm glad that you are at least going out and trying to have fun. Moping and sad feelings just amplify if you dwell on them. A break, even if you don't have a lot of fun, is always worth it.
If it's any consolation, he likely is having some of the same feelings as you with regard to missing what you had. Even if he won't admit it or come back to the relationship, it is rare for someone to go through such a break up and not have some of those residual feelings. Just because he's "moved on" on the outside doesn't mean he has on the inside.
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reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (30 October 2010):
Nouvelle32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI appreciate all of your answers....It's just hard & there is probably nothing anyone could say to make it 100% better, although I love reading the responses. I hate coming home to an empty house. I don't want to go out because I loved having the security of just sitting on the couch & watching movies, making dinner and eating Tollhouse cookies with him and laughing. I was really enjoying life 100%. My life feels so empty now... it's like it's taken a 180. I AM trying... I just don't understand why this happened. I go out and try to be happy... like tonight, but all the people seem so shallow. Then I come home to an empty house and I just miss him soooo much. I miss all the fun we had together. And it's so strange knowing that he doesn't feel that... he doesn't miss being here with me. We had a life together and he just gave up on it. Life makes no sense to me anymore. People are so strange... it's like, they always want what they cannot have. You get a girl who is financially responsible, artistic, has interests, goals, hobbies, stable, not a cheater, honest.. ME :-) and then you throw it away. Did I love him too much? What is it that men want????????? I have yet to figure that one out.
I know it will get better with time, but I just don't understand why this happened. I will never understand it. Thanks though for the support.... It's nice to know that there are people out there who care and who go through similar situations.
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): Wow, Nouvelle. That puts a different perspective on things.
Maybe he is trying to protect you, because he knows he has issues that would wreck the relationship. Some people can't accept happiness and positivity in their lives: they try to push away/destroy good things because they threaten their view that they deserve to suffer - and be alone.
There's no way of knowing, and you can't very well tell someone who's left you that that he might need counselling!
But it doesn't take away the fact that he's more concerned with HIS feelings than yours. Hard as it might be, you have to follow his lead, and focus on YOU. Try not to compare this relationship with the previous one, and blame yourself for "messing up again". I assume you were a genuinely loving and supportive partner in this relatioship, so the fault lies with your ex not you. Losing you is his loss.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
Why would someone leave someone they still have feelings for?
It is possible to love someone deeply enough to realize that you don't belong with them. Maybe he felt like he was holding you back. Maybe he has some serious issues he needs to sort out. Maybe he loved you but some aspect of the relationship was eating away at him. It's so hard to say.
I know that you're trying to understand this so that you can cope. Unfortunately only he knows the true reason why he left. Instead of dwelling on this, it's time to move on. Do your best to put it behind you. It will be hard, but it will be your best bet in the long run. Do your best to cope. Give yourself time to properly grieve.
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reader, Nouvelle32 +, writes (29 October 2010):
Nouvelle32 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI get what you are saying and I completely agree, but why would someone leave a person they still have feelings for? I don't get that. Even a week after he moved out, he came over and kissed me so passionately and said that he loved me sooooo much. We had so much love and passion... that's what I thought... and that's why I have such a hard time with this. I feel like the last two years was a lie.
And if it's been brewing for a while, then how can someone pretend to love you when you live together? Wouldn't I know? He seemed so sincere & even a week before the break-up he had BEGGED me to come on a business trip with him and I couldn't go because of work and we had dogs that we would have had to board, so I didn't go. A month before the break-up he had something come up at work and couldn't drive to AL with me to my mom's place, so when everything cleared with work he drove down 5 hours just to be with me for one night... which doesn't seem like something you would do for someone you don't love... plus he gave me $300 to go shopping for myself while I was down there. None of that seems like things a person would do who doesn't love you.
Maybe there is no answer, but I'm just wondering, if someone realizes that they have some deep issues that they need to fix, is it possible that they leave you to protect you? I sometimes feel like he left because he knows how F'd up he is and knows I deserve better. He even said to me afterwards, "you don't have the slightest idea that what I've done (breaking-up), might have been better for you. You don't care because all you care about is your perspective."
It's almost like he's TRYING to make himself not love me. That's just what I feel like because I don't get why he would tell me how much he loves me when he's breaking up with me.
But then none of it makes any sense... I don't know why he would go for some 25 year old who lives in another state. I did so much for him and would have been there for him through anything that he was going through.
I am afraid I will have issues because this has happened to me before.. I lived with someone (my first love) and found a receipt in his closet where he had sent a dozen roses to another woman and then she started calling my house and he left me for her. All of this makes me so SICK because after all that I have been through, I really felt I deserved happiness... and this guy was pretty good to me until the day 5 months ago that he flipped a total switch. I'm really upset.
Nouvelle32
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): As dirtball says, the coldness is a defence mechanism on his part - not that it's an excuse.It's also worth bearing in mind that being so cold towards you - coupled with him jumping into a relationship so soon - shows how (emotionally) selfish he is. Of course it's easier for the 'dumper' to walk away and not have to be made to feel the guilt that they deserve to, or to face the consequences of their actions. They can than pretend to themsleves that the 'dumpee' maybe isn't that hurt after all. I know, because I've done it myself once (although it wasn't a close relationship to start with: more like FWBs) - and recently had it done to me (and that WAS a close relationship).I'm surpised at your friend for getting back together with someone who treated her like that, but I hope for her sake that lessons have been learned and all will be well.You may never get the honest answers you seek, I'm afraid. He may be one of those dumpers that gets in touch several months later, when their rebound relationship has failed, to apologise for treating you so badly. And you will have healed enough by then to tell him to get stuffed...
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reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
Being cold is a defense mechanism. It's a way to hopefully drive you away so that he won't have to see you, because seeing you brings up the memories and feelings that he still has for you.
When a flip like this happens, it's usually been brewing underneath for quite some time. In other words, he's been pretending with that other behavior, but had wanted to break up for a while. He just finally got up the nerve to do it. FWIW, I don't think he was lying when he told you that stuff about your relationship. Even though you may have those feelings for eachother, that doesn't always mean it will last. Part of putting yourself out there is risking getting hurt. Sadly, sometimes that happens.
This new girl is probably a rebound, or part of the reason you two broke up. He could have started communicating with her and realized he didn't want to be with you anymore. Also, because she's long distance, he doesn't have to try as hard. He can have plenty of time to himself and in his own space. I doubt it will last. Most LDR's fail miserably. It's someone who makes him feel good about himself, that's all that matters to him right now.
I hope that this doesn't cause trust issues for you. Really, it is pretty rare that someone will just up and leave like this.
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