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female
age
51-59,
*inkerbell1368
writes:we have been married for 4 years at first i had no clue . but every moring after i left for work my husband would watch porn and get him self off, even if we had sex the night before . now its geting to where he gets on the internet to watch coupels having sex even if im willing if i walk in the room he just closes out the page and acts like he is looking at cars. im starting to wonder if im not good or if he wishes that i was some one else . we have a good sex life so i had been thinking but now finding out this im not so sure any more first it was porn vdv now its the life webcam sex i have no clue any more what i need to be doning .. i have tryed evey thing
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 January 2011): Several pieces of advice on this page are absolutely uninformed and asinine. Watching porn as equivalent to domestic violence? Are you serious? I hate to spend too much time debunking the nonsense advice that tinkerbell has received. Rational discussion is not a part of this thread apparently. But as a slight jewel to other 3rd parties who may read this forum, I leave the following. I limit myself to statements of fact. Ideological or moral judgements I leave as an exercise to the reader.1. Almost all males have watched pornography.2. No quality studies show that watching porn leads to increased sexual violence or other sociopathic behavior.3. Male sexual response is largely visual. Female is largely emotional. This has served the human species well, as it's still around.4. Sexual desire is an innate and normal part of life.5. Masturbation is an act of an individual with his or her body. It (in itself) does not harm or affect anyone else's physical safety or the right of anyone else to their own body.
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reader, Miamine  +, writes (22 November 2010):
 "spin less gut les man on this plant i have ever seen"....
"woohooo cry me a river"......
Yep, marriage counselling is definitely necessary for you. You may have reasons for sounding cruel and heartless, but people in pain suffer enough without people being nasty to them...
This marriage really can't work. Again, why don't you just leave him?
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (20 November 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni just about fallen out my chair when i was told this one . you know im really hurting here latly my back in is really hurting and my knees are too and i just cant not find any thing to make it feel any better and like a dumass . i asket you think it could be coming for the cold weather .. and i got the most dummes answer ..
now but if i could get some sex the relief from the sex would help out so much . i just was with out words and it came remember the TV show where the had bad pains and the dr. Prsribe him XXXmovies couse it makes ur brian make its own pain killers and i answerd him you would try just about any thing to get out of trying dont you you are the most spin less gut les man on this plant i have ever seen , i have no clue where then words came from but there there were he just looket at me and walkt out .. woohooo cry me a river ... sorry i think i feel better haven said that too him
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (18 November 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni ask that same thing. but i get i work 5and half days a week leto realx some time so i get stuck with every thing the house the yard the dogs horses blah blah blah . maybe im just and idiot for puting up with it .
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 November 2010):
Sorry, me again... Middle of the day? Why isn't he out working, or looking after the kids, doing the shopping or cleaning up? Why does he have so much time to think about sex and look at porn?
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 November 2010):
PS: Natasia, I was reading the situation the same way you was, e.g "He is sexually frustrated and feels rejected because you don't seem to want to have sex with him as much as he wants (which is perfectly understandable on your part - frankly I don't think I would want to have sex with him, either ...).
So he takes it out on you. His porn watching is not just to address his 'needs', but also to get back at you, because he feels you are witholding sex from him."
However, insults, and porn in front of the children, that's not anger and frustration, that is domestic violence against women and children. The husband needs to grow up and stop acting like a spoilt little child. His behaviour is abusive towards his wife and family.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (18 November 2010):
Thanks Tinkerbell for the update, that explains a hell of a lot and makes me understand more about what is going on... "slut, whore..." yep, that a case of domestic emotional abuse, and if he's watching pornography in the day when children are around, then the man is addicted and is suffering from mental problems.
sigh.... why do you want to fix this marriage, what is there to love about such a selfish, unkind man?
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reader, natasia +, writes (17 November 2010):
 This is pretty simple:
He is sexually frustrated and feels rejected because you don't seem to want to have sex with him as much as he wants (which is perfectly understandable on your part - frankly I don't think I would want to have sex with him, either ...).
So he takes it out on you. His porn watching is not just to address his 'needs', but also to get back at you, because he feels you are witholding sex from him. His verbal abuse (calling you names, etc) is also part frustration, and part just mean behaviour because he wants to hurt you in the way he feels you are hurting him.
He is a man. He won't say 'darling, I feel really sad and rejected - please give me a hug and at least stroke my dick' - no. He is a man behaving badly, which is a pretty unpleasant thing to have to endure.
My feeling is that he is behaving so badly that he would be better off out the door. Watching porn on your laptop with your 7 year old around is, in my book, a you-know-where-the-door-is offence.
Do you want to put up with all of this? No. Should you have to? No. Have you tried talking? Yes. Have you tried offering talking with someone else if he won't talk to you? Yes.
Your last option is, like you said, going to counselling on your own. But just listening to all of this ... well, of course, it is your call. You have to weigh up, I'm afraid, not what is best, but what is worst - being alone, or putting up with him?
And you are not the only one. A lot of people with children end up with these kind of decisions to make. Some stay miserably together for the sake of the kids. Some do that and end up hurt. Some make a break and then feel sad for the loss of the other parent. Some make a break and are happy and make a new life. I can't say what would be your outcome, but I know he is being a total bastard to you and I feel for you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 November 2010): I'm going to bet that the posters here supporting your husband's pursuit of his own sexuality (out of presumable frustration) are probably single women who are into that stuff themselves. Biased to say the least and commenting without any concept, whatsoever, it is to have a marriage or live in a long term committed relationship.
Having said that, I believe you should absolutely tell him to cut the crap or get out of your house. Period. I can't even believe that I am reading pleas for empathy for him and his 'needs' as a means of repairing a broken marriage... Broken down by him and his private sex life... independent from the marriage.
Some of us do marry with the intention of being sexually exclusive. A wife has every right in the world to demand sexual exclusivity and to demand that there is no pornography. I did, and I got it. Yes it was a long road getting there, however I would not be with a sexual weirdo or with someone who saw their sexuality as their own to use as they please. What is the point of marriage? Intimacy and closeness. Your husband has his little free for all going on here involving other women. Porn screws men up... sometimes permanently. My husband will actually break down in tears now when he looks at how it hurt him as a man.... but it took ending the addiction for him to see that. Men who have taken this journey and quit their addictions to porn etc... have chronicled similar experiences. They become mentally ill/sick from it. It literally changes the brain, its neural pathways and the brain chemistry forming addictions to the high. The addiction to the high is was creates the need for them to up the ante again and again. Some continue down this path to no end... and lose everything.
Which, by the way, is where your husband is.
I always considered myself to be pretty well adjusted. I dated, was wined and dined, and pursued. I had my share of lovers/boyfriends but I was always a lady. I don't read erotica, don't fantasize about fucking some other dude (celebrities) and I don't own a vibrator. In other words, I'm all woman... and not a pervert. Never had a complaint in my life from any lover. Weird isn't the ticket to a man's heart ... and a man being weird isn't the ticket to a woman's heart.
And for the woman who is posting that Tinkerbell is looking for support... well, you are correct. She is looking for support and she is looking for guidance. She should not have to lower her standards or become sexually dysfunctional (yes, it is considered clinically sexual dysfunction) in order to keep her man happy. That is abhorrent to even suggest that. And, by the way, marriage counseling's primary function is to improve communication.
Tinkerbell, I'm in your camp 100%. Do not tolerate this and blow off the weird responses you've received. It is lame, twisted, perverted and probably coming from a single person with issues.
Tell your husband to stop, insist he receives professional help, and if he doesn't... kick him out. Let him stew in his own dirty diaper. When he gets tired of sitting in his own *hit maybe he'll stand up and do something respectable and kind for his wife.
A wife has the RIGHT to demand SEXUAL EXCLUSIVITY and the RIGHT to DEMAND NO PORN. Period. Do not allow anyone to tell you differently or to try and make this your fault or problem. You have a right to set standards for yourself in your life and your mate. It is unreasonable, disrespectful and utterly absurd for anyone to suggest this is a couple's problem... It is the man's problem and it BECOMES THE COUPLE'S problem by extension... not by origin.
Kick him out. Terms of you ever speaking to him again? Well, perhaps you need to make it a condition that he gets help and fast. No, you should not be demeaned and you should not have to tolerate a man screwing other women in his mind, and engaging in sexual acts with them via webcam.
Stand your ground and do not tolerate it. I'm telling you Tinkerbell, I did. And, I did it after finding out about his crap 12 years into the marriage. I think way too much of myself to stand for that. There are decent men out there who want decent women. Trust me, a sexual deviant (yes, clinically it is deviant) isn't that marketable except to seriously screwed up women and prostitutes.
You have the absolute right to the sanctity of your marriage.
As an aside, I see people having to read erotica, watch porn, etc... messed up.
Ignore that sicko advice. Keep your standards. Stand up to him and throw him out if he won't get help. Do not exposure yourself or your children to this pervert. Let him lose everything and hit rock bottom.... then maybe he'll wake up out of the fog he is in.
The next time I buy a Vogue magazine... I'm going to be silently (our out loud) laughing my butt off remembering the reference to fantasies and the parallel trying to be drawn to erotica. And, I'll be doubled over laughing when I can have intimacy and passion without having to read about someone else's... pitiful.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (16 November 2010):
 He's checked out. I hope that councelling helps you, but I doubt it will help your marriage since he's being such a tool.
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (16 November 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell i hae tryed just about every thing to understand my husband but when you have childern in the home and your husband watches the porn on the laptop in the muddel of the day with your 7y old walking aound the house that is a bit much . after trying to talk to him and understanding him and even trying to see where he is coming from all i get is you dont want to learn or you dont care or i get liess or some other exuses ..how in the world can you have a normal life or marriege how .i wonder how many woman wold stay with there husbands after finding out that he is watching webcam porn or other porn either befor or and any give time he wants too and if for any reson you dont feel like having sex . he come off and calles you names like your a slute man have needs man have to have sex there brain and there hurmo.. need sex and if you still dont give in or you just cant becourse its that time of the month. your the slute a whore and all the nice words h can think of at the time and you still .but you still the one the has to change and learn about his problem his . i just dont know i think i have come a long way in the last 4 years and all i ask is that we no him not just I (WE )
go try to go get some help and all i get out of him is
im not going to talk a stranger about my problems . well shit what the fuck . iguess then what is left
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reader, Miamine +, writes (14 November 2010):
Tinkerbell, I have a feeling that you have no wish to hear what I have to say. I think you came to Dear Cupid looking for people to support your views and back you up. I think you believe that Marriage guidance will be the same. You will complain, and the counsellor will tell you that you are wonderful and everything you say is right.
That might help build your self esteem and make you feel good, but it will not help repair your marriage. The answer your husband gave is perfectly reasonable, for a man who sounds frustrated and is tired of being told to do stuff, and follow commands. He sees no point in talking to a stranger, when your communication in your marriage is so poor, that he and you can no longer talk to each other properly. You don't sound like you talked to him or asked his opinion, instead you sound like you commanded him to follow you, like your a general in the army and he is one of the crew.
Good marriages are built on good communication, and understanding that your partner is different from you. He has dreams, desires, wishes and wants that are his alone, and may be different from what you want. When people are able to compromise, empathise, and make love a priority, the relationship usually gets stronger. When people prefer to be right, demand that they are in control and leave no space for the other person to be heard, well, that may make you feel in control and make you feel powerful, but it doesn't leave much space for love or understanding.
I don't know what is going on in your marriage. I don't know if your husband is a good man or a selfish pig. I do know that from what you have written here, your husband sounds like a normal, frustrated, unhappy guy to me. But you don't sound too happy yourself.
Please pick up a copy of "Men are From Mars, Women are from Venus" by John Grey, and try to put yourself in your husbands shoes and think about how he might be feeling and why he might say and do the things he does. At the moment, you can only see things from your own point of view, and this marriage is becoming a battlefield and your husband is withdrawing from you.
If you want to stay with him, it's not only him that has to change. You must learn to accept that you can also be wrong sometimes, and other peoples opinions also have some value. A good marriage guidance counsellor should help you to look at your own behaviour and see if anything you might be doing might be making your marriage situation deteriorate.
As I said, I don't expect you to agree with me, the same way I don't expect your marriage to become a happy one.
You can either be right, or you can be happy.. I already know which one you will choose, and that's a pity....
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (13 November 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the question i have taken the nest step and set up and app. for marriage councselling and told my husband about it , to my shock i was told why should i go and talk to stranger and tell them my problem and my wife dont even understand me . what the hell kinde answer is that fuck this go to them come out of my mouth . sorry . . but thats all i had left to say to him after he told me that . im now planing to go to counselling alone maybe i can get my head straight and go from there
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reader, Miamine +, writes (11 November 2010):
PS: Women magazines also have live photo stories, with men and women in very little clothes and feature very sexy stories... they always have.
As far as I know, many, many, millions of women report to dreaming about movie stars whilst they are having sex with their husbands. They also report to thinking about their favourite movie stars while they are masturbating alone.
That's the link that I was referring too.... :)
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reader, Miamine +, writes (11 November 2010):
mmm.. female anon, I am a woman who watches porn, reads erotica, and reads romance books.. so I'm speaking from my own direct experience when I say that these things are equivalent...
They all produce sexual arrousal, and the brain is not sophisticated enough to judge which types of arrousal's are good or bad. Yes, some erotic books that women read do have such things as "gang bangs" otherwise known as "orgies"... or have you never heard of "black lace" books, specially written for women.
Can't say much about vibrators, because I don't find them arousing at all....
There is a variety of stimulating things, not all pornography includes "gang bangs" and not all romantic books and movies are filled with people holding hands... please check out the movie "The secretary"....S&M is now suitable for mainstream entertainment.
If your husband looks at pornography and you do not like it, then all you can do is leave him, because he will not stop. You cannot change people, you can only change yourself. Do not put up with habits that make you feel bad, go and find someone more suitable to love instead. Personally I have a problem with live web cam, and that would be reason enough for me to leave and seek a divorce.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (10 November 2010):
Fuck his lazy ass excuses. Please pardon my language but he's just trying to turn his problem back onto you.
Ok, he says you're not trying to understand his side. You say he's not trying to understand your side. How can you get your sides across to eachother in a way that will help you both understand the other side? Marriage Councelling. That's the only solution I can see here. Going to a neutral environment where the conversation will be kept from reaching the point of a fight. If he cares at all about your marriage and fixing these problems, then he'll agree.
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (10 November 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionyou know your right . but to him im not trying to understand him im just trying to pick on him if i say something or im bitching or im just simply with holding sex from him . and im not all im trying to do is to see thing my way . im not sure if he even cares but when i bring it up to him he says that even if he stops it or trys to and hope he dont slip up im not gone trust him about it . or i would be waitng for him to slip and up os ican bitch at him and walk out .....
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reader, dirtball +, writes (10 November 2010):
To me it sounds like he's got addiction problems. I don't think you should budge. You've made enough compromises. If porn is more important than your relationship to him, then that's a sad statement about him.
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (10 November 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionwell it come to out now that he is not just watching the pron on dvds he is now gone to the webcam siting here at night watching some coupel or some girl on live webcam . and im ask to understand it im ask to see it from his side . but if we have sex he still gose and watches that after he wakes up . i have ask for him try and stop but insted he waits again until im a sleep to get on the internet . im at the end of my rop i can not take any more and told him so but some thing has to give and its not me
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reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2010): I just about lost it when I read:
"Do you masterbate or use a vibrator. Do you read romantic books or erotica. Do you watch romantic movies? Do you read fashion magazines or look at gossip about your favourite handsome movie star? Do you read chick lit?
Your husbands porn watching is equivalent to these things, he gets the same pleasure you do when doing such things."
For some reason I simply don't get this. What on earth does watching anal sex, gang bangs, lesbian sex, gay sex, intercourse, or any combination of the these... have in common with watching a romantic movie, reading about a male celebrity in a magazine, or a fashion magazine? I do not see the connection.
I do not reach sexual orgasm reading a fashion magazine, watching a romantic movie, or reading about a male celebrity. I don't sit up late at night hiding my Vogue magazines. The latest gossip about Russell Crowe hasn't resulted in me ruining my marriage. Last time I checked... there was a HUGE difference between watching a gang bang and jerking off to it and finding out about the latest fashions.
Good lord.
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2010): Wooooooooooooooooow
If porn is the problem in your relationship, then it really isn't the problem. You've got a crapton of issues that are much more pressing that need to be worked on before you get to porn.
And thank god for you Miamine. It's so refreshing to see varied responses from the other side.
And you know what ladies? If superman watched porn he wouldn't be any less of a man. He's still fkn superman, all noble and sht
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reader, natasia +, writes (2 November 2010):
I really really applaud what the 50-yr-old lady said. Thank you. I agree.
I like this paragraph the best:
Despite what everyone else seems to want to tell you, porn use is destructive. Look what it has done to your life and the way it has diminished the joy you COULD be experiencing with him. It causes people to withdraw and become more into themselves and creates barriers to true intimacy... Sex is seen as a genital action... rather than an experience between two people
This is the truth. But, it is also true that if a man watches porn, it doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
Porn is pernicious, and, as the lady says, reduces everything to the genital (unless it is very high class porn - very rare). And yes, it does spoil the innocence and intensity of what would be a one-to-one sexual experience for life. Marriage was intended as such. It was intended that we find our other half: that all of the bits we don't have, the other person has, and we share. And in that way we are one, complete.
Porn disrupts that union, that harmony. It also kind of denegrades everything However, I think porn is a bit like crisps (chips to you yanks ; ) and McDonalds and the internet in general and bad tv and everything that is vaguely addictive and not ultimately very good for you, and in that respect, I wouldn't judge a husband too harshly for having fallen into it.
But, as the lady says, the easy way out is to let it ride. The hard way - but, I agree, best - is to challenge it. If you can do that, good on you.
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (2 November 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionto the nice 50 y lady you know after reading what you had to say i have to say thank you very much. after i read what you wrote thats just the way i feel about it and after finding out even more of what he is doing you have a point thanl again ... and im going to make a big change in my live
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reader, sweetheartx +, writes (30 October 2010):
well lucky he's straight! porn is a disqusting thing and if he did fancy some girls then your will still be the faverouite! if its on video then burn them ,take them away .If its on telly then talk to him say what you think about him watching porn. If that was me ill probally divorce him.Well im like that im a bit harsh!
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reader, Bob Freemer +, writes (30 October 2010):
Agree. I don't personally know a single guy who hasn't looked at porn (even the very religious ones). The male sex drive is almost unlimited compared to the female. It is also very visual. What you describe is VERY common. But if you talk with him about it in a very non-judgemental way you could both come to a better understanding of each other. It's quite possible he's often thinking of you during the peak of his excitement, so try to take it as a compliment. That might help you be more open about it.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (29 October 2010):
Do you masterbate or use a vibrator. Do you read romantic books or erotica. Do you watch romantic movies? Do you read fashion magazines or look at gossip about your favourite handsome movie star? Do you read chick lit?
Your husbands porn watching is equivalent to these things, he gets the same pleasure you do when doing such things.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
Guys watch porn for all sorts of reasons. Usually it's to masturbate to. It can be out of boredom. It can be because that's how he has some "me time." It can be because he's addicted to porn.
If you're feeling used despite everything, you need to tell him. Let him know how you're feeling and ask him to cut back because it's getting excessive. If you've already accepted it, then he has to be willing to compromise too.
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reader, tinkerbell1368 +, writes (29 October 2010):
tinkerbell1368 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni have tryed to talk to him and i even gave in and watch it with him . and we have planty of spice and excitement in the bedroom how ever i dont see why its a must for him it kinde makes me feel used if we have sex but he still watches the porn
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reader, anonymous, writes (29 October 2010): 'Just checking Ebay' is another well worn ruse. Your husband isnt watching porn because of something you arent doing...or something you are doing wrong. He is watching it because he enjoys it and he will have been doing it for a long time. If you arent against that sort of thing, try watching it with him. If you really dont like porn thats fine. Many dont. In that case have a chat with him and explain its not a hobby you are interested in. Explain why. And ask him to help you find a solution to the differences you have about pornography. As long as he is satisfying you in the bedroom and makes you feel great in other areas, you might have to accept his habit. But if hes not delivering. Put a child lock on the pc until he does x
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reader, natasia +, writes (29 October 2010):
I think quickly closing the page and pretending to be looking at AutoTrader must be a universal trait ... ; )
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reader, dirtball +, writes (29 October 2010):
Have you tried talking to him about it? He may think he's hiding it, but the fact that you know is starting to eat at you. The thing is, he's probably been doing this for most, if not all, of your relationship.
The change in what he's watching is pretty normal. You get bored with the same old stimulus over and over, so changing things up is the natural progression.
For many men, their porn use doesn't affect their sex lives with their partners. Does he still satisfy you when you want sex?
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (29 October 2010):
 Why don't you sit down and watch porn with him? Don't make it something shameful, but something you can both enjoy together.
It's not a matter of you don't look good, because there is absolutely nothing the matter with you..it's just that he needs a little more spice and excitement in the bedroom. Conventional, traditional sex after 4 years could get a little redundant. It's healthy and perfectly normal to switch it up. Now I'm not saying engage in threesomes or orgies. Just next time he's looking at porn, sit on his lap while he's in the computer chair and watch the porn video together. Porn used right, can be a form of foreplay.
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