A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:OK so there's a guy at work who is very friendly with me, I was instantly attracted to him and there was chemistry however as soon as I found out he's married I completely backed off, I didn't realise because he doesn't wear a ring. That hasn't stopped him flirting with me and asking if he can get me a drink on a work night out. Now I know that they say some "harmless" flirting is fine but my question is "what's harmless and what's not?" Examples include complimenting my jewelry, saying "I'll look after you in here" and telling me he thinks I'm wonderful.It makes me feel uncomfortable, is it just me or is this unacceptable? what is deemed harmless and what isn't? Am I just over analysing things and should brush this off as being friendly?
View related questions:
at work, flirt, married man Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 August 2010):
It's only acceptable if the compliments are the same as a friend would give you...........Wonderful is a next step up, and before you know it, he will have sussed that you have been reeled in and have bitten the line, and then he will move up a notch, watching you, eyeing you up and down, and last but not least, trying to 'accidentally' touch you in some way, he may even be brazen about it.
He is, as the previous answer said 'gardening'you, 'playing'
He will groom you and probably not even ask you out himself, he will wait for you to throw yourself at him so that he can excuse himself should anything go wrong.
I am going through the same as you right now, but after a few months of having a severe crush on this married guy, and watching him flirting with others around me, I have come to my senses and realised that this guy is only in for the chase!!!
Yes, I know he is attracted to me,he makes it obvious with the compliments, touches, and constant watching, but, I know for absolute certainty, that when I am not there he does the same with others, even when I am there sometimes right in front of my face!.
Seriously, they think you don't see it!!.
I have gone through all the motions, He really likes me, Oh my god he has feelings for me, and so on, until one day another lady walked in the room and he literally shifted his whole body away from me and towards her with a great big smile on his face, as if I wasn't even in the room.
I dropped from the sky with a great big bump!! i felt sick!
The best thing is, this guy is actually jealous if I talk to anyone else!!
They are in it for the attention I'm afraid, married or not!
Do not let this man manipulate you, the previous answer is correct, they pick up on when you are vulnerable, in my case, I already know which woman at work that this guy will go for next.
It affected me so much that I forced myself to study him in order to get over it.
I feel like warning the next lady but I can't
He is still pursuing me, and I am allowing it simply because I am looking forward to seeing the B......ds face
when I humiliate him.
Please do not be reeled in by these false and empty compliments, you will only be used and then hurt.
A
female
reader, spiderweb  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Sounds as if he's singled you out for attention and is "fishing" to see whether you're game for something more, or not. It's so easy to start something up, believing that you will remain in control simply out of curiosity; wanting to see where it goes. My advice: be friendly but wary. Even cool so he finds another target... which he probably will.
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 The definition of "Harmless flirting" is dependent upon what his spouse deems as such. I think Gabrielle is right in her interpretation. I also think it is no longer harmless if it makes you uncomfortable or he makes a move for it to go further. From what you're describing, it sounds like he's just being nice. It's likely his personality.
However, if it makes you uncomfortable, let him know. Maybe something along the lines of, "I appreciate that, but it makes me a little uncomfortable when you say such things," might do the trick. Or, "Mr. X, what would your wife think if she heard you say that?!?" You could say it in a joking fashion so as not to be mean, but the point would be clear.
...............................
A
male
reader, Cloverfield +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Hmmmm, each thing on it's own is pretty harmless. However, as a collective I'd say he's overstepping the mark, especially for the workplace.
...............................
A
female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (16 August 2010):
 If its in the workplace what he's doing seems rather inappropriate. Complimenting you on your jewelery, or your looks in general for that matter, is fine. Saying he'll "look out for you here" is patronizing with a shade of something more. This would apply regardless of whether the guy is married or not.
...............................
A
male
reader, mattnette  +, writes (16 August 2010):
I can relate to your experience.I also have this collegue who is married, who shows good things to me like, bringing me food, helping me at work, sending me messages like im so beautiful,that he's thinking bout me. Just like you, I feel so uncomfortable, esp since I'm also married.
I think these kind of guys either they are naturally friendly or want something else. Beware.
Show him that you are in control.
...............................
|
