A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I have been for my bf for about 8 months he makes me very happy, but last night i went out with some friends most of them male i am quite friendly with one in particular there is alot of banter between us.I went back with him and his housemates for a smoke i was tired he offered me his bed i said im happy to share it.He tried making a move on me a fair few times i said no then he groped me half an hour later i woke up with my bra undone which i was really worried about he also tried to take my jeans.I feel so guilty and disgusted with myself i feel like i have cheated on my bf i cant even tell him whats happened.I do feel a bit violated and vunerable especially when i has been drinking.I really want to tell him but will it jepordise my relationship??
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker  +, writes (18 August 2010):
 Telling your boyfriend isn't going to do you any favours, but you may want to re-evaluate who you call your friends and your drinking habits.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Got drunk. Flirted all night. Said you were happy to share a bed. Now you are complaining that he touched you. From where I am standing, you gave green light after green light to this male friend.
I would tell your partner as things have a way of coming out and plus, if I were your bf I would want to know that I was dating someone with poor control and a bad decision making system.
As for feeling vulnerable when you drink..well, DONT DRINK!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Again, I'm with Cerberus here. WTF were you thinking getting into bed with a guy that you've had past problems with, not to mention one your BF doesn't like.
At this point, it is obvious you don't respect your BF at all or you wouldn't have done this. It is up to YOU to make sure you don't do something you'll regret, not your friends.
"Nothing happened in terms of cheating i love my bf very much and wouldnt do anything to hurt him." BS, complete and utter BS. If you would never do anything to hurt him, you wouldn't have climbed into bed with another man, especially one he doesn't like because he has a history of trying things with you. Time to confess the truth and reap the consequences of your actions.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): You're response wasn't there when I wrote my reply, the fact he tried it on with you on a previous occasion makes this worse.
To be honest OP I don't think you have learned a lesson.
You say you'll never be left alone with him again but you don't mention being alone in those kind of situations with other guys. It's not just him who will make a move and he's not the only guy who will try it on with you, it seems to me you just don't seem to get how this works.
I'm not saying this right or wrong, personally I can exercise self control when drunk and if a girl wants to sleep in my bed then I'll take the couch, but most guys see it as an open invitation, especially when they've been drinking. It is their bed, you're in it and they will try it on. The fact that he already tried to kiss you and you still continued to be 'friendly' and ended up in his bed tells me that you just don't know how this whole thing works.
Perhaps you just have a trusting nature, perhaps you're just naive to how guys are, perhaps you just can't exercise good judgement when drunk, whatever the reason OP you have seriously consider what's going to happen before you drink and make sure you're not going to let things like this happen to you.
What I find worrying is that you say you have to get your friend to make sure you're not left alone with him again, why is that? If you can't make sure of that on your own, then you're in trouble, because your friend is not always going to be there to keep an eye on you. You need to find your own way of maintaining a bit of self control and you have to learn the boundaries as far as us guys are concerned. If you're in a relationship and want to remain monogamous then you have to keep other guys at a safe distance.
You have to realize that even the nicest of guys will make a move if you leave the door open for them.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
Excellent answers TimmD and Cerberus!
Consider yourself very lucky that what you've explained is all that happened. What you've described is assault, and is illegal, however as Cerberus pointed out, there were plenty of opportunities for you to have removed yourself from the situation.
Your BF will likely be very hurt if you tell him what happened. To me, the thing that would cause me the most pain is that you offered to share the bed. I don't want my GF to offer any other guy to share a bed with her because I know the chances of him trying something are almost 100%.
I'm not going to pile it on here, but I think you need to re-evaluate the friends you are keeping, along with what you consider proper behavior when in a relationship. As far as telling him, I'm all for honesty, even if the consequences are what we hope won't happen. Ultimately, it's your call though.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): TimmD is right, while you may feel violated you should have gotten out of the bed the first time he tried it on.
In fact you shouldn't have gotten into another guys bed in the first place.
You know how guys work, if you let us get into bed with you we're going to to try it on. Okay most of us will have enough respect not to keep trying after a girl says no the first time. But with a guy like that who wasn't taking no for an answer you should have gotten out of the bed.
Now while all that is the case, that guy is an asshole and what he did to you was completely illegal. There is absolutely no excusing what he did, none at all. But there's also no excusing you for getting into that situation with him either.
That's going to be a problem for you if you tell your boyfriend.
Firstly there's the fact you got into his bed while drunk, that's an open invitation for us guys to try it on, perhaps it shouldn't be seen that way but that's just the way it is. Your boyfriend will see it that way, because getting into another guys bed while drunk is just a big no-no, because something always happens and even if it doesn't you're getting into another guys bed. I'm pretty sure you wouldn't be too happy thinking that your boyfriend was hopping into bed with other girls.
Secondly when he tried it on the first time you shouldn't have stayed in his bed, when he wouldn't take no for an answer you should definitely have gotten out and went home.
The biggest problem here though is trust. You let yourself through a sequence of events get intimate with another guy, when you had ample opportunity on a number of occasions to prevent it from happening. You have a boyfriend, yet you're very 'friendly' with this guy, you then decide to go back to his place with him, you then decide to go sleep in his bed, you then let him get into bed with you, he tries it on and you stay in his bed, he doesn't take no for an answer and you still stay there. Then and I just don't know why, you decided it would be a good idea to fall asleep there.
You might feel vulnerable and violated but it was a wholly preventable situation and being drunk is no excuse. Please don't take offence by what I'm saying, I'm not trying to upset you and I'm not having a go at you but it seems to me like you have no common sense about guys when you're drunk, so perhaps it's a better idea not to go drinking alone with them.
The best thing that can come out of this situation is that you learn a valuable lesson, DO NOT TRUST GUYS WHEN DRUNK! Always be wary of our intentions and do not get yourself into these kinds of situations if you're not going to be able to properly reject a guys advances, next time could be far worse for you.
As far as telling your boyfriend, I don't know what to tell you, all I can say is if I were him our relationship would be over, because the trust would be gone. I'd freak out anytime you went out drinking because I wouldn't be able to say with certainty that you are not going to do that again.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): I'm sorry but accepting to share a bed with another guy, even if you're drunk, is cheating, be there sex or no sex. Tell your boyfriend so that he at least knows how you really are; that he should not trust you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): this isnt the first time he's tried something like this. I should of learned my lesson the first time around. Luckily my bf and this guy dont know eachother however i did tell my bf about the first time he tried to kiss me and he hasnt been a fan of him since that little episode.
I have more than learned my lesson i will never be left alone with him i told my friend she promised me she wouldnt let anything like that happened.
Nothing happened in terms of cheating i love my bf very much and wouldnt do anything to hurt him.
I could of been abit smarter and either gone home or slept on the sofa it could of saved alot of heart ache
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A
female
reader, Phoebe Halliwell +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Hey :)
Oh dear, what a horrible experience! Your friend was way out of line, even if the both of you had been drinking. You said no, you meant no, and he should've listened to you.
This incident is obviously affecting you (how could it not?) so I think the best thing would be for you to calmly talk to your boyfriend, before your "friend" does. He needs to hear it from you. It's best that you talk to him about it, and make sure you emphasise how you said no, how terrible you feel, and that you had no intention of doing anything with your "friend" except sleeping off some alcohol and having a cigarette.
Yes, ok, it doesn't look too good that you got into bed with the guy. You had been drinking. The facts are that you didn't take your clothes off, you didn't initiate anything with this guy. It's probably not going to sit too well with your boyfriend. But wouldn't it be so much worse if he heard your "friend"s version? You can't be sure he's going to say anything to your boyfriend, but you also can't be sure he's not going to somewhat embellish the actual truth. He's not been a very good friend so far has he?
Talk to your boyfriend. Yes, he'll be mad. But you were taken advantage of, and it's affecting you. Eventually, your boyfriend's going to notice something is up, right? Tell him, as soon as you can. Don't hide it from him, a secret like this will eat you up inside!
I hope it goes ok
xxx
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (17 August 2010):
 You don't have to tell him since nothing really happened, however... to avoid this in the future I would avoid sleeping in the same bed with another guy. Especially a guy who you've been flirting with all night. ESPECIALLY while drunk. Alcohol is no excuse.
Yes, you may have been violated by someone else, but the events leading up to that situation could have been handled differently by YOU so you would not have been subjected to that.
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