A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I just broke up with my boyfriend of 14 months and he he will not accept that it is over. He keeps threatening to come and house and tell my parents all my secrets and if i don't reply to his texts he rings the house phone which means i have to quickly cut it off before my parents answer it. I am only 17 and i don't know what to do. He was blackmailing me with pictures but i managed to delete them off his phone but he may have them on his computer. My parents are very strict and if they find out anything then i will be kicked out. He was controlling which is why i left him but he still is and i am so unhappy and constantly scared. I fear the only way to end all this is to get back with him but i really hate him
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female
reader, OhGetReal  +, writes (17 August 2010):
 I think you need to confide in your parents, don't be afraid that they are too strict, they need to be aware of this and they can probably offer support and help.
Restraining orders aren't really worth the paper they are written on, and in my mind it may just escalate things.
Why don't you try talking to him like I suggested with your parents present in the house? You spent a year and half with this guy, surely you had some love there and he for you? He is probably just really hurt possibly by the way you handled the break up or because of some humiliation he feels from it.
I agree what he is threatening is mean, he's not threatening you with physical harm, he is threatening to call you out on your "skanky" behavior is my guess, and he has some compromising pictures of you which you don't seem to be too proud of. So you made a mistake, so a lot of young, naive, inexperience people do, and you need to learn from it and make better choices next time.
But, own your half in this mess and try to talk to him in a respectful, validating way and you may just learn something in the process, how to diffuse a tense situation, how to negotiate, and how to come to a truce and agreement for peace between the two of you.
Or you can go the restraining order route, continue to treat him as an enemy and refuse to hear him out, that is your choice, too.
You aren't trying to change him or stick it out in the relationship, you are attempting to make your peace with a guy who is obviously very hurt by you. You need to make him understand your reasons for the break up, why you don't owe him a relationship and how you want to get over him, heal and move on, and if he cares about you at all, he will respect that coming from you. He's angry and hurt, if you give it some time, he will get over that and you can help that along, by speaking to him about it and not hanging up the phone when he calls you.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for the advice. I definitely won't get back with him and i have now confided in a friend who has suggested possibly getting a restraining order but i'm not sure if thats a good idea as they take a while to go through.
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A
female
reader, blue_eyes1981 +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Tell your parents. They will be more concerned that you are been put through this than whatever you and your ex got up to. Yes if they ask you how he is blackmailing you it may be embarrassing to admit to the pictures but your own wellbeing comes before any of that.
Parents and police (this guy is committing a criminal offence) but do not get back with him.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (16 August 2010):
 I fully agree with C. Grant as well. GET him of your back now. DON'T let him run your life.
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (16 August 2010):
 His behaviour is illegal in the UK as it represents stalking and harassment. I doubt your parents will make you homeless as they have fed and sheltered you for 17 years! They were young once and will understand that everyone makes a mistake. The power in this bully is the threat and the personal information/ images that he has on you. Basically if these images were taken before you were 16, the police may wish to investigate him for child pornography offences. It is illegal to have images of children of a sexual nature. If you get the courage to report him to the police then this matter will go away as bullies look for silent victims (there lies the power of the act). He needs reporting since he clearly has emotional-behavioural difficulties that need psychological treatment. He may represent a threat to females in the community more generally. Putting him under the nose of the criminal justice professionals may make him recognise how wrong his conduct has been and force him into treatment. You should also tell your parents that a boy is annoying and threatening you. You don't have to go into all the details at this stage. You can also contact your mobile phone provider (or get your parents to do it) as they have comprehensive powers to block his calls. It is also illegal to send threatening or menacing messages or make such calls over the phone network (landline or mobile).
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A
female
reader, hmm92 +, writes (16 August 2010):
well if the worst comes to the worst and they honestly do kick you out then just live on your own, im 17 and i do :), but seriously they shouldnt i had a controling relationship once and it fucked me up for years and the boy told my parents i smoked and i thought they would kick me out. but they didnt. after ending it with this boy they even started buying me cigarettes because they knew what a hard time i was going through. i reckon you should tell him to fuck right off and that he should go ahead and tell your parents because youve already told them, even if you havent. just tell him to go away you wouldnt go out with someone like that anyway because hes a cunt and you deserve to be treated better.
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A
female
reader, OhGetReal +, writes (16 August 2010):
I think everyone on here has given you good advice, I just have one other suggestion or idea to throw out there.This boy is just a kid and he is immature and he is acting out because of his anger at you for breaking up with him and this is how he deals with that. There is a certain amount of humiliation on his part coming from somewhere, perhaps your friends at school are being mean to him in your defense?Sometimes these things just take on a life of their own.What you can possibly do to mitigate the damage is to have a frank talk with all your peeps, family included and tell them to not react to him negatively in any way but to behave with dignity and grace and walk the other way without comment.You might also invite him over to your house while your parents are present and talk to him.Give him his dignity back (not that you took it from him in the first place) and tell him what you did like about him as a person, after all you were together for a long while) and that you don't want to be enemies, but you can't be his friend either, and that it is simply because you are trying to get over him. He may not realize that breaking up with him took a lot of courage on your part and that it hurts you, too. Ask him to please, please stop texting you, stop threatening you, and to stop phoning you or contacting you in any way, that it is hurtful to both of you and you just want to move on.Say that you are too young to be with one boy long term, that you have plans for furthering your education and will not be living here in a couple years or something along those lines. And then give him a hug and wish him the best and let him walk out of your home with his head held high.Unless he is a complete psycho, this ought to help, my guess is he's just an angry young man....who needs some help getting over it.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (16 August 2010):
 I think C.Grant is right. You need to talk to your parents about this. They may not even want to know what he's blackmailing you about, but if you take the lead you can take away his power.
Right now he's holding secrets over your head, and threatening to tell your parents. Tell your parents that he's doing this, and that you wanted to tell them so that he can't force you to get back with him.
Your parents are likely very strict because they love you and want what's best for you. They could probably see that this relationship wasn't good for you, but stayed somewhat clear because sometimes we have to let those we love make their own choices and mistakes. I think that if you tell them you're scared, they will help. You may not even have to tell them what you don't want them to know. My guess is that they will not listen to anything he has to say after you discuss it with them.
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 The best way to deal with blackmail is to fess up. Tell your parents what's going on, and then this low life no longer has anything on you. If you have a frank and contrite discussion with your parents they're unlikely to kick you out -- and they'll be happy to have helped you out of a rotten situation.
Good luck!
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Noooooo by no means go back to that creep! He's a psycho, and he needs to be dealt with by the police. Tell him he if he keeps on bothering u and blackmailing u, u will call the police and telling them u are being harassed and need a restraining order. However, I dont know how old u have to be to file that, so in case u have to get ur parents involved...I would tell them u are being threatened and harassed by ur ex bf..u dont feel safe, ur scared and tell them they need to call the police.
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (16 August 2010):
 Do not get back with him. You shouldn't be forced into a relationship with this man! Is there a close friend you can turn to? Someone else you trust? Are you absolutely sure your parents would kick you out because of these secrets of yours? Parents are supposed to support you and take care of you in things like this. I suppose if you can't turn to your parents for help, you should go to a friend or someone you trust. There isn't much more I can say here.
Please, please, do not think that going into a relationship with him is an option. If you ever do manage to find someone you trust, try an get a restraining order.
May God be with you, Good luck
I hope that helps.
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A
female
reader, AngelLady101 +, writes (16 August 2010):
okay honey, sounds like your in a bit of a pickle. dont give in to his blackmails tell him straight out there is no future for you both if he is still finding this hard to accept, you need to sit down with your parents and tell them what is going on, although they may be mad at you for pictures etc but its something they will accept and get over you say they will kick you out but are you sure about this? have you done something that serious that they dont know about?once they know your ex will have nothing to throw out at you. this man sounds like he really needs to move on an let you get on with your life. good luck hun and dont get back with someone just because youre scared your parents are going to do something that might not happen x
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