A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am so confussed... I met a man at work, both of us single, but separted ( failed relationships) for the first few months of working there , we started to flirt and chat, which came easily for both of us, I'm a wee bit chatty and tend to chat alot with everyone. At first I had co workers telling me that he would rarely smile or engage in conversation with others at work, and that since my starting working he came out more and talked more... I didn't really think anything of it , until he asked me out, we went out on a few dates, some of them getting intimate. We both felt a little uncomfortable at work, and stated how hard it was to not touch or talk everytime we saw each other. Long story short, he ended it, because he stated he was having trouble with feelings for his ex and he was very sweet in doing so, was upset because he said he cares for me so much, but feels his head is a mess, and that his feelings were so very uncomfortable... that saying our first night back to work since the break up, i was dealing with some issues and I was very upset and he picked up on it right away, and tried to help by offering to go for coffees to talk about my problem.... long story short, their is more, I ended up texting him to thank him for being supportive and it ended up in a convo about us.. and how we feel about each other, my problem is I know I have to let him go because I don't want to be the go to girl... but how do I when, he's the sweetest kindest man I've ever known? I told him i was having trouble with the friendship thing, and he stated it was hard for him also.. help sheesh so confussed....
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNew update. probably the last one but I thought you all that helped me out with this problem would want to know.
Things got more confusing, we got tricked into going for coffee together which was fine, we didn't really talk about anything out of the ordinary, but there was a little flirtation in the car and I stated he wasn't suppose to say that , he thought that was funny and kept mentioning it and laughing. The flirting was intense on both sides. The trouble is it is so easy to be around him and laugh with him and talk with him, that part of this is so easy for both of us that we don't know how to shut it off. He was around me alot this week because I was put into another department where we would see more of each other, so we ended up chatting alot. He came to say goodbye at the end of his shift. so the next day i texted and asked what the heck we were doing, and he said trying to get over each other... long story shorter he called me and said he was feeling very attached to me and he knows he's not emotionally ready but that he still feels strongly about me. He said he didn't want to get ahead of himself , but that he couldn't completely shut the door because of the connection and bond we have, but for me and him he needed to feel normal, and he doesn't feel he's there yet, he also said he was feeling overly protective of me and was confused with those feelings. I know i've already fallen for him. But i also told him this wasn't a friendship it was more and he agreed, so .. not sure where to go from here but truthfully i am just going with the flow lol... It feels like he's trying to sever the attachement he feels but is having trouble with it, and I don't want him to sever it , I think it would be a mistake, we are great together!
thanks all :)
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (27 August 2010):
 Ahhh, more mixed messages. I think what you saw was a bit of jealousy. He wanted you for himself and didn't like someone else paying you a compliment. At the same time, if he's unwilling to act, then it's his loss. The more you share about the situation, the more he confounds me too. Good luck with this.
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBoth responses are right, after the strange texts , the following day we work together, ALONE and I was real nervous about this, and as luck would have it he called in sick???? lol
it was a slap and a relief all at the same time, I didn't have to see him all week after that, and was called into work, and when he saw me he smiled so big i felt like i was hit by a lightning bolt...
I smiled back and truthfully kept my distance most of the time, I had sent him a text that morning and said I heard he wasn't feeling well and hoped he was feeling better and tc see you soon (friendly like..) and when we got a moment alone he had stated how he got the text and thanked me but had said it said I sent it early and he didn't receive it till later that night.. i just smiled and said well I'm glad you got it.. and walked away.. the compliments still come out of his mouth about how cute I look? , and when a co-worker had said I looked real cute he frowned so hard his eyes disappeared (rattling his chain maybe ) i don't know
anyway he still confuses me and thank god I don't see him for another week because the man confounds me :(
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (22 August 2010):
 Love updates, now it didn't seem like you let your romantic side slide just yet. You guys are "friends" but still have that little extra. Too many mixed signals going on, both your side and his. If it's friends let's keep it that way no reciprocating major eye contact and flirting. What does he think his kindness was going to get him other than a "thank you"? I would take on him on his coldness because that's telling me he's trying to tone it down. So you need to do the same, and focus a little harder on just friends, nothing more.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (22 August 2010):
 I think he's embarrassed that you know he still has feelings for you. Your keeping it cool makes him uncomfortable. I wouldn't try to question him too much about what he's thinking, as if you gained control of him. Men would prefer that they are too sophisticated for you to break through his wall.
He had been thinking if he's the right guy for you, and then backed off, but might still want to try again. I mean come on what are his chances to find another good woman? Why go through that finding, chasing, and wondering cycle again? He's trying to hide what he's feeling. Let him be and continue to be his friend. Bring him chocolate, bake him cookies, then say this is what friends do, right?
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOk I have a new update! Seeing as we decided we were going to be friends, things were going on fairly well.. at work , he would seek me out to talk, we flirted a wee bit. Nothing out of the ordinary for us.. in the past, then at the end of the night, he came to speak with me about returning something, and went out of his way to be extra kind, by adding some treats and water for my ride home from work.. there was some interesting eye contact through the night..
the next day I texted thanking him for the thoughfulness and got a very cold response, and he shut down the conversation fairly quickly, so I asked him if his thoughtfulness from before was out of guilt, for breaking it off, I was confused by the mixed signals.. it felt like he was still keeping me interested but in his texts he was very cold (not like his usual).. and he stated he was just being nice because that is what friends do... I don't get it, I'm not the only one noticing that he really isn't acting that much different from when we were dating help ... what the heck is going on with that man lol
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWow Jani, that answer was so dead on it was almost scary lol
You are so right!!!
I am usually a very confident person, and I don't always recognize how people react to me.. mostly possitive because I guess I'm just the outgoing chatty giggler... I forgot that person for a little because I think my ego was bruised a little bit (your inner thoughts going a mile a minute)..
I've never been the brooding type, the last week or so things have spun out of my control and I let my emotions get the best of me, it had nothing to do with my past relationship I dealt with that, This was other things and I really didn't go into details about it. He was just being there for support. He knew he couldn't help me with it and I didn't ask for help. Just him being there was support enough. Trouble is we had texted after work and somehow it ended in conversation about our conflicting feelings , and well it ended with him complimenting me on how cute I looked at work :(
I know where he is.. and I realize I have to let the romantic side and affection subside, it's very hard , when your a go get it girl.. this is a side of me I am not use to. I love all the responses... and I look forward to more, because wow you are seriously all helping me deal with these issues!
Thanks so very much :)
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reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
Based on your followup, I can see you've been thinking about this a lot. That usually happens before someone ends up posting here. :-)
"but I feel like I have to prove to him what a great catch he is.. because he just doesn't see it ..
but in doing so , I worry I am also pushing him away."
Excellent statement. You are right. He doesn't need to see that he's a great catch right now. He needs to focus on getting the mess in his head straightened out. What you are doing, when you do this is just adding to that mess in his head. It isn't necessarily true that you'll be pushing him away, but it does add more confusion to the mix, which he doesn't need right now. You know this to be true: "I wish I could make things better for him or easier, but I'm afraid I just confuse him even more." I just want to confirm for you that you are very likely right.
Honestly, I envy your approach to life. Going for something you want regardless is something I've always had trouble with. I personally overthink things, and that breeds inaction. I'm glad my answer was able to help, and I hope this one does too.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHmmm soul searching
great answer!
I've always been a strong believer in when you want something or someone go for it, regardless.. but in saying that.. I've never met someone as straight forward and honest as he is and find myself wanting to back off so AS NOT to lose him, if that makes any sense at all..
I wish I could make things better for him or easier, but I'm afraid I just confuse him even more.
I don't know how to be that friend, when I do want more, but I also want someone that is devoted to only me.. very contradictory I know this...
I don't think I have to prove what a great catch I am lol..
but I feel like I have to prove to him what a great catch he is.. because he just doesn't see it ..
but in doing so , I worry I am also pushing him away.
loved your answer
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reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (17 August 2010):
This is why I dont date anyone I work with, it ends in breakup and ur still stuck with them nearly everyday. Its not the best time for u two to be together because u both have to settle ur issues first and both minds have to be totally into it. Keep that in mind, its not fair to u or him to start back up a relationship. Talk to him about ur feelings and whats going on in ur life, and vice versa..and see if u guys could get back together when both minds are at peace with ex's and any underlying issues. It may take awhile sure, however I would concentrate on being friends for the time being..see how u both feel in about 3-4 months. Anything could happen and a lot could change. Good Luck!
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reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
Gotta love someone who won't admit when they have a good thing going for them... My take on this is that if you can manage to give it a little time, this might actually work out for you two. I like the fact that he's being honest about the fact he's having difficulty sorting out his emotions. Your story doesn't give off the player vibe either. I think you can probably maintain a relationship through this if you take it slowly. Some intimacy is fine, but let him know that you won't go further than (your boundry) until he's fully ready. Good luck.
My only other advice is to do some soul searching. Do you think you can be "just friends" with him? Do you think he can be "just friends" with you? Is that what you really want? It doesn't sound to me like that's what you want, but I may be interpreting things incorrectly too.
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reader, janniepeg +, writes (17 August 2010):
You got to have more confidence that you are better than his ex, that you would grab his attention all the time. You have to have faith in him, and in yourself. Continue being fun and sweet and be patient that he would one day sort his feelings out. Stop talking about your problems and your conflicted feelings. Be the girl every man wants you to be. Sweet, fun, sexy and caring. We all have a need to express our frustration, our disappointment, but this guy is not that person. On a date you want to make it fun, you don't want to talk about your problems, right? The reason why he's having trouble with his feelings is because you stirred up something in him and he's scared. He's suddenly comparing you to his ex so that shows you are somewhat important to him. Don't accept defeat yet. You have as much power to direct where this is going. For now, no more talks about the past. Let him see your confident and humorous side. I am giving this advice to people who want to make it work for the person they admire. It's possible that if you get to know him better you might find out he really isn't your match. Yes, don't give up yet until he's really going back to his ex for food, or he is finding interest somewhere else, which totally defeats what he's saying about still loving his ex.
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