A
male
age
36-40,
*upersuper
writes:Okay, I've been in a relationship with a girl from another country for the past 4 years. We met in college, but sadly most of the relationship has been long distance. Last year I tried working in her country but it didn't work out, she still lived an hour from where I was working and they had me working 14 hours a day. Now, She works at her mother's business and I run my own business here in the United States. We visit each other every three to six months, but I'm growing tired of being alone all the time. I really like this girl a lot, she has an extremely kind, genuine, heart and I get along with her better than any other person I've ever been with. We've never had a single fight in four years! but there are some underlying problems. One of the biggest problems is that sex with her doesn't always feel that good. It's 50/50. I bottom out;if you know what I mean... It kind of hurts. She is also a bit of a shut-in, and I can be too, but I have a great desire to change this. I am also very career oriented. I know exactly what I want to do. She is almost 33 and she doen't know what she wants. I've also tried to learn her language, but she has no patience for teaching me. I've been doing it myself.I'm going to visit her in a month and I feel like it's time to put up or shut-up. I'm very conflicted. Leaving her would be heartbreaking for me, but I don't think I could marry her. Any advice as to a better way to think about the situation would be very helpful.
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male
reader, supersuper +, writes (16 August 2010):
supersuper is verified as being by the original poster of the question Thanks for the advice DB! I think you're right that I may be idealizing her a little bit. But it's mostly memories from all the great things we did together. I don't want to make her sound like a total bitch for not wanting to teach me her language. It's just her personality. She's not much of a teacher. She's also very good at English. She studied English in the USA for ten years. She has communication skills, she just doesn't always use them to her advantage.
What I'm really concerned about is her ability to grow with me and also the physical barriers.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (16 August 2010):
 When we're in an LDR we tend to idealize our view of the other person. My personal feeling is that this is going on here a bit. I think that if you want to make the relationship real, then one of you has to relocate to be with the other. That's the only way you'll know for sure if it will work. That means a major life change. Ultimately, if neither of you is willing to relocate to be with the other, then you have your answer about your relationship.
Ultimately, someone can be a great person, but that doesn't mean you're meant to be together. Some of the negatives you've listed would be enough for me to end it, but I'm also very anti-LDR, so I'm biased. The big one being the language. If I had a gf who was trying to learn my language, I'd do my best to help her, trying to get her to teach me hers at the same time. Maybe it's because I value communication a lot, I don't know, but if someone who loves me won't help me be closer to them, that's a red flag to me.
I don't envy your decision. I hope I've helped.
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