A
female
age
41-50,
*ixieGwen
writes:So my q is why do some men choose to ignore or disappear instead of say whats going on or explaining.I dated this guy(2-3 mo)who was head over heels into me.We hung out daily,he contacted me daily.He chose to hang out w/ me instead of his friends even though i pushed him to hang w/ his friends.We had alot in common and were a perfect fit.We had out occassional arguements but other than that we were good.He talked about the future (us living together, hypothetical wedding/kids etc.).He was always consistent and always talked about how happy and lucky he was that he found me.I met all of his fam.They really liked me.I planned to go on a 2 wk trip and out of nowhere he dumped me right before my trip (he has been cheated on in every other relationship).He claims he was no longer feeling it but that didnt settle right w/ me..I felt it was because he got scared id cheat and thought itd be easier to drop me.We've seen each other since then and he says he really doesnt know why we broke up but thinks he needs to see a therapist..talk to someone(says his mom chooses men thatre bad for her and pushes the good ones away and thinks hes following in her foot steps). We tried to be friends after that but then he'd flake, got into another relationship (the one after me was w/ someone who was unavailable).It seems hed rather go for the unavailable or bitches. He said that we'd prob date again after he talked to a therapist... but anyhoo.. he ignores me completely now..maybe its because he has someone i dont know but i never did anything wrong to him. I still wanna be in good terms because hes a fun guy to be around.Recent ex is similar - (Dated a 1 mo 1/2) practically in love w/ me right away.saw/spoke to me daily(all his doing).He talked about the future - moving in together etc.His mom liked me.We had our occassional arguements but nother major..we had a blast.He's another one that had been ruined by an ex (hes divorced and has 2 small children who his ex rarely lets him see).He calls alot of women sluts or bitch (on tv) and says that im not one yet but basically he was waiting to see if id turn out to be one.Recently we had plans to hang - he seemed stoked and .... he completely flaked and chose to not return any of my calls.3 days went by - i broke up via voicemail.I emailed him an angry email..wasnt too bad just stated my feelings because i trusted him and he was always reliable and cool and it hurt me that he was being this way.He said he had been busy, that i didnt even know what he had been upto and next time i should chill out.He was angry.I wrote him back and was nice, apologizing for name calling and said it was uncalled for but I felt he started it by ignoring me..knowing i hate flakey people (biggest pet peeve).I know hes currently tryin to get all his ducks in a row - find a place, car and goin thru a custody battle..but thats no reason to take it out on me. I still want us to be in good terms..but well it seems hes ignoring me and I honestly didnt want to break up but i basically said if i didnt hear from him by a certain time..id assume we're over. Unfortunately i miss him..well both of them actually for diff reasons.Anyhoo im rambling.. why do you think these 2 men are choosing to ignore me? i was nothing but nice. Never cheated, went out of my way, never bombarded them w/ calls or hanging out - it was all their doing and yet..im the one being ignored. i guess i was just thinkin bout all of this.. and it just makes me wonder.
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broke up, divorce, his ex, wedding Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 August 2010):
 Any guy who's discussing the future after a month or two is off his rocker. While some guys will think of such things, we're not likely to bring it up to our significant other for quite some time. Talk of weddings, children, the home with the white picket fence... All after 1-3 months? Not happening. I like to think of myself as a nice guy. I'm more in touch with my emotions than a lot of men out there, and this is something that I rarely bring up until after we've been together for a while. I'm talking a year or more. It's because it can be one of those make it or break it conversations.
The advice to look at the men you're dating is good advice. Often we choose people who aren't good for us in spite of ourselves. Try finding someone who is outside of your "type" for your next BF. You may be pleasantly surprised.
A
female
reader, fishy fish +, writes (17 August 2010):
nice guys do exist , women always mistake their fears with narrowing their perspectives to bad persons, i've been there and i realized that the more value and self esteem you give yourself the more they come back to you amazed and dazzled by the new you that they fell for in the very start! nice guys do exist but they're rare i think :)
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A
female
reader, PixieGwen +, writes (17 August 2010):
PixieGwen is verified as being by the original poster of the question the first one has been cheated on i mean. i never said i love you to the 2nd(recent one) 1st one i did but it was in the moment and besides..he kept hinting that he felt the same and wanted to hear it.. and also from the get go he anticipated failure.. er i mean he felt that something bad would happen (me cheating or something like that) which never happened...
but i get what both of you are saying.. im nice and i do think that the guys ive dated have issues and for some reason cant believe a nice person exists and therefore takes me for granted... it bothers me though because i cant help that im a nice person..nor would i want to.. i just wish i could find someone like me and yet..it seems like ive run into nothing but bad apples (IE guys who are nice but then have issues and become weird).I dont purposely pick bad men.. i have my list of things im looking for and for some reason always see the good in people :/
how it turned out w/ both of them really bothers me.. and i guess i just wanted to get opinions..and share..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Both guys you describe are needy and intense men. Intensity at the start of a relationship usually means something is going to blow, as has been the case for you. Set your standards a bit higher, take things more slowly and don't expect to be in love 1.5 months after meeting someone, and hopefully you will have better luck!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 August 2010): Dearest, the problem is not with anything you're saying/ doing, it's rather with the choices you're making!
Those 2 men clearly have issues , the first is unstable and have a record in cheating plus he seems to have childhood issues, the 2nd one has family dramas ,who prejudges every girl he sees and thinks that all women are bi... apparently they found in you the perfect sweet polite right choice of girl , an exit to their problems , a dream come true but your nice approach is not always encouraging to people like them, it actually digs out their darkest side allowing them to take you for granted and thinking they can do better than you. first stop all contact with them , you're a wonderful woman and you should be with good people who gives you stability, stop all contacts for a while , don't explain yourself just stop answering and replying, don't dwell or feel sorry for yourself, love yourself and don't encourage bad behavior, you're letting them use you sweetheart!!! plz cut all forms of contacts. keep me posted and good luck
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