A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:hi i had a fight with my girl in the office. our friends and other colleagues were also there. she shouted on me and i did the same thing. afterwards i realized that it was my fault. due to my guilt i apologize her by writing a note rather than personally saying sorry. she tore that note. while leaving i said her bye but she replied just for the name sake. next morning i wished everyone a good morning except her. this made the things more worse. our friend had a conversation about this and she told him that she was upset because i apologize her by a note and not personally. what i feel is that at least i apologize for my deed whereas she has not. what shall i do? shall i apologize her again personally? i don't want to loose her. please help. Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): Oh dear, the rule is simple. If you insult in person, you apologise in person. You only write a note if you insulted them by note.
The reason for this is simple -- an apology is a public statement that you seek forgiveness. So it needs to happen in the same way and with the same audience as your mistake.
So now you have three things to apologise for: your mistake, your mistake in the form of your apology, and your overlooking saying hello (because you did not see her, you had no intention to slight her, but you are still sorry that this made your relationship worse).
You are now in flowers-and-chocolate territory. Since you insulted her at work, put some on her desk. A short note "Angie, I am so sorry, Bert" so she knows why they are there. When she arrives at work, go and apologise in person; for both your mistake (which was not being wrong, but in your refusal to accept other people's views), your mistake in saying sorry in an insufficient way, and not saying Hello yesterday.
She may or may not accept. That is something you can do nothing about. It may take her a few days to calm down, before she even registers your seeking forgiveness, after which time she may not feel right in acknowledging that you are forgiven.
You should, of course, treat her with the utmost respect from this point on. Including greeting her arrival and departure. Including treating her views with the consideration they deserve, and if you disagree saying so with respect and acknowledging that you may well be shown to be wrong.
Many people have grown solid friendships from a disaster of a beginning followed by a deeply-meant apology. Your writing of "not wanting to lose her" suggests you hope for something more than friendship. After your rudeness I really think you should aim for friendship so that she as the opportunity to see that this was abnormal and your usual self is worth knowing. After you have re-established that, then ask her our in a way that she can decline with grace.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): Be the bigger person and do what needs to be done. In the end you wont regret that you tried. What she does with your apologies is up to her. I dont think she will be receptive but i would do it anyway. mal
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 if you want forgiveness it starts with an apology
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A
female
reader, SweetindianGirl  +, writes (9 September 2010):
you seem indian, as am i, do it in person indian girls are very filmy and bolly-wood drama type! they like flowers and public apologies! put her in a position where she can-NOT - NOT accept your apology! which means she will smile and say yeah itso k :D
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A
female
reader, StrightsGaga  +, writes (9 September 2010):
 give her space to calm down, and go up calmly and just ask if you could speak to her, and apologize and be genuine about it all and after that just, leave it and go on as normal, if she continues to act funny ask to speak privitely and just calmly ask if she's alright and say how you feel, hope this helps.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Yes, an apology should always be delivered in person. A note is just half assed and isn't a real apology. A note is only really suitable for very minor things. For a blow out fight that was witnessed by others, you have to apologize in person.
Once you've apologized, if she doesn't in return, then she's the one who looks bad. You've taken the steps to mend the fences and put the ball in her court at that point. Don't expect a return apology. If it comes, great, if not, oh well.
At work especially we should strive to be a model of proper behavior. When things go wrong, we need to do our best to not only make them right, but do it publicly so the rest of the staff can see how things should be handled.
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