A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:hey it's probably nothing, but i'd like to hear your opinion all the same.i train in aikido, a not very well known martial art, and i have been for about 4/5 months. i help my sensei (teacher) around the dojo(school) as it pays for half of my training. theres another student who has the same deal (helps around the dojo, and training is half price) and they're a brown belt(nearly a blackbelt, so very good), i'm only a white and yellow belt(basically a white belt, so not very good). traditionally if sensei doesn't want to fold his hakama (wierd black trousers) then he gets the highest belt to fold it for them, but sensei got me to fold it for him. now the brown belt is obviously annoyed because it's an honour to do it he normally has that honour. also sensei often flirts with me. he's got a girlfriend, and he's 29, i'm only 15. i respect him, but i don't fancy him. he often asks me to stay at the dojo for the whole day (often 9am - 9pm) where it's just me and him all day. his girlfriend has gone away for a while too. and i was wondering if i should be concerned about this. does he just want an extra hand or is it something else. i've had a few bad experiences with guys so i might just be looking into it too much.also the brown belt now wants nothing to do with me. is there anyway you can suggest that i can go back to being on good terms with him? i've tried explaining to him, but he wont listen to what i have to say off the mats.thanks for all your adviceanon
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reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks again for the advice. and i know it does sound a little wierd me saying that i trust sensei on the mats but i don't off them. i think i should try and clear things up, however if i haven't then by all means tell me.
i find it extremely difficult to trust guys when it's in a friend relationship. bad experiences do that. so on that front i don't trust sensei. however, when we're on the mats, it becomes a matter of teacher and student, and uke and shite (attacker and the one doing the technique), i trust him, and most other people on the mat. there i trust my sensei's knowlege in aikido, so i have no fear in training there. but as my social skills are somewhat lacking, and i've had a bad run of relationships, i don't trust alot of people as friends or more intimate.
looking back, i think i was just making a big deal out of nothing, i wasn't expecting him to put his hand on my shoulder so it suprised me. i reckon as i spend more time there, i will trust him more, i think it's becoming apparent that sensei is starting to trust me.
i've told my mum everything, but thats nothing new, i tend to tell her everything.
as for Q1605, i understand where you're coming from. some martial artists do come across as a bit egotistical, but the majority i've met aren't. i think it's just a case of a few bad apples spoil the whole batch.
thankyou again for the advice, it's much appreciated. :)
anon xx
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 He sounds borderline to me, but I would like to address the trust and carrying a knife issue though.
I used to be certified to train police in knife defense. One thing I learned through all that training is that a knife is the great equalizer. It doesn't matter how big or strong you are, you get cut in the right place and you're going down just as fast as anyone else. That being said I think that it is a great defense tool, for women especially, and advocate carrying a knife as long as it is legal.
Being a martial arts instructor, you shouldn't be worried about him and the knife he carries. Your lack of trust about that is highly indicitave of your lack of trust in him as a whole. All my friends know I carry a knife and never once has one felt uncomfortable around me because of it. The reason is that they know me, and know that I'm not about to hurt them. If you don't trust your sensei enough to trust him behind you, then you need to find a new dojo.
There will be lots of contact in your training. That just comes with the territory for training in Aikido. If you feel the contact he has with you is uncalled for, then you need to speak up. I'd suggest telling him that you feel like there is some flirting going on, and it is making you feel uncomfortable. You love the training and wish to continue, but not if that continues. Talking to your parents is also a good idea. Please make sure to tell them that nothing inappropriate has happened, or he could get in real trouble, but that you want some help in dealing with what is happening. Even if it is just advice, or they come and watch classes a bit more often.
I know that when I used to teach, there were girls who expressed interest in me. I turned them away and invited their parents to watch class to both deter their behavior and provide witnesses to mine. As such, I never had deal with any questions about my behavior.
Good luck in your training.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Your fighting in hand to hand combat. To a certain extent you have to trust the teacher or you won't be able to learn.
My ex did martial arts and was qualified to carry several weapons and could easily be charged with murder due to his skill, so he didn't ever fight outside the ring.
The equivalent might be, learning to fly a plane and worried that your teacher might fancy you. What do you do up there in the air, trust the teacher or not.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (13 September 2010):
hehehe.. we is protected from such comments as yours Mr Q1605..
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (13 September 2010):
I'm not concerned, his actions don't seem offensive at the moment. Continue as you've been doing, until you have more to report.
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female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (13 September 2010):
 Maybe tell your parents? So they know you are unsure? And the ask them on how to tell him that you are not comfortable with physical contact, but without offending him because it might be innocent from his side? I mean, putting your arm on someones shoulder can be completely innocent, but in this case must be seen in context with the rest of his behaviour.
I think you might want to ask your parents about how to approach this. I know, awkward. But still. I love the idea of parents being able to help out sometimes and not just be a pain for teenagers...
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 September 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthankyou for all the advice.
the flirting has been i've often thought light hearted. like the other day he was talking about his new job as a masseuse. which he's doing at the dojo. and we were talking about what a martial artist/masseuse should wear, coz i was in my school uniform, and he was in t-shirt n jeans (saying how i look like the proffesional one) and i told him what my mum thought (which was a vest top and shorts) he was saying or even better, no vest top, and i wont charge extra as thats no fun.
and he's often talking about his body, as if he's wanting me to talk about mine, or he wants me to comment on his. he's also complimented me on numberous occasions. which i have felt flattered with. he also put his hand on my shoulder yesterday after i gave him a coffee. i wasn't very comfortable with it, much as i'm not with him walking behind me, so i stepped away.
i don't want to leave the dojo because i enjoy it greatly. and however much i respect him and value his opinion, don't trust him off the mats. i've seen him with a knife in his back pocket, short enough for him to have by law but i always make sure i can see him and if we're walking i always stay 1 step behind him, just so i can keep an eye on him.
thanks again for the advice
anon x
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female
reader, chigirl +, writes (12 September 2010):
Im highly suspicious at sensei's, unfortunately. I was in Tae Kwon-Do and our instructor was avery handsome 30-something year old who tried it on with teenage girls that were his students. One girl had to leave because she wasn't feeling comfortable with his approaches at all, and then a friend of mine ended up loosing her virginity to this man. He had a girlfriend and two kids and he asked her over to baby-sit all the time, but often was home himself. No-one suspected anything, but my friend spoke up about it years later, probably because she saw that he was doing the same again to other young girls.
If he is flirting with you, be on guard. Do not let him touch you. And if you feel that he is flirting with you and feel uncomfortable, you have to stop going there. But unless he has actually done anything to you you can not accuse him of anything really. So either stay there until he does something (or not) or leave the dojo.
But whatever you do, do not let yourself get flattered by his flirting. This is how my instructor got the young girls, we all respected him so much, and they felt very flattered by his attention to "little them".
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reader, Miamine +, writes (12 September 2010):
oops.. brown belt has jealousy..Not your problem, you do your lessons and worry about your own actions and morality.. the brown belt needs to deal with their own issues and loose some of that pride. It's a good lesson to learn, pride can be dangerous and lead you around the nose as much as anything else.Ignore him, your not in the dojo to make friends, your their to learn life lessons. Good time for you to learn how to deal with jealous people, deepen your practice and tune into your chi.
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reader, Miamine +, writes (12 September 2010):
Martial arts is more than exercise it's built on honour, dedication, strong mindfulness, and proper living... Remember this. I don't want to put barriers between you and your teacher, but if he offends you, then tell him off and show him up for the lowdown snake he is, in the strongest words possible.
He is no proper sensi if he acts with dishonour and you may have to find another class, or make him aware that you will be a danger now you know how low he is.
At the moment he's done nothing, so learn your lessons well.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (12 September 2010):
Oops, forgot the other option. The other option, since he has taken the low road, is to just go with it. His behavior is a poor reflection on himself. As a senior student, you need to help your kohai learn. He is being a jealous ass, that's why I think you'd sensei is giving him a humility lesson.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (12 September 2010):
Having been involved in the martial arts my whole life, I can say with certainty that crushes do happen in both directions. How your sensei acts on those is what is important.
If he is showing you extra attention, use that to get more training so you can learn more and at a faster pace. If he makes an advance, that's when his lesson has ended. You don't have to do anything non-dojo related, so don't let him bully you into anything.
As an instructor, he should be modeling proper etiquette and behavior. I honestly don't think he would act on the crush if it exists.
As for dealing with the sempai, you have a couple options. First could be talking to your sensei and explaining what having you fold the hakama is doing. You never know though, he could be trying to teach your sempai some humility. Personally, I hate folding hakama. It's such a pain!
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