A
female
age
30-35,
*helbyy-x
writes:My boyfriend doesn't seem to want me as much lately. He doesn't kiss me, hold me, or tell me he loves me as much as he used to. He don't even try to have sex with me anymore! He used to try A LOT! I don't know if he's bored of me or if he found someone else. I asked him and he told me he wants to be with me and there is no one else. But his excuse for not being as physical with me is the same thing everyday... "I'm just tired." To tired to kiss me? To tired to tell me you love me?!??! I just don't understand. We've both made mistakes in the past and we've both decided to move on from them. I'm so confused to why he's doing this to me. It seems like when I'm putting all of my effort into our relationship, he doesn't. But when my interests are in my friends or someone else, then he puts all of his effort into not losin me and into our relationship... What can I do to get him to want me?
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female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (16 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the question I've heard I told youso many times.. But that don't change the fact that you love someone. I don't think anything does. He may be older but he's not as mature as he should be... And I'm done with this because it's just going to piss me off.....
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (15 September 2010):
 I'm going to have to backup Dirtball on this one. I agree with him. From what you've told us, this just seems like another spike in the "line graph" of your relationship. Sure, no relationship is easy... but strong, solid relationships do have a calm, middle point with occasional spikes. Yours seems like it's either great, or bad. It goes from one extreme to the other.
And as far as him sacrificing more, well he hasn't. He may have tried to change his habits, but if he did...then they would have stayed changed. To me it sounds like his "crowd" is just more dominant in his life than you are. And unfortunately, as unfair as this seems, he's either going to have to choose them or you. I don't see both his friends and you coexisting in his life.
As far as the age thing goes? I'm with Dirtball on that also, I think it's more of a factor than you understand. But you already have your mind made up on that point so I'm not going to argue. Just let the record show that we feel the age situation is directly related to your relationship issues as well.
Good luck.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 September 2010):
 You're right, relationships aren't perfect. I disagree with Mia though on this one (I still love ya Mia). I don't want to see you back here complaining about the same things again, because I don't get the sense that any real resolution was reached.
Enjoy your temporary resolution. I hope you do have a long and healthy relationship. Just remember to hear me in the back of your head saying "I told you so" when it happens again.
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (15 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell considering we were together over 2 years, maybe another 2 relationships aren't perfect dirtball. Shit happens. But if we keep coming back to each other that must mean something. And thank you miamine.
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A
female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (15 September 2010):
 lol.. I believe in you Shelly, take time, compromise and work things out for both of you.
Wishing you happiness and health..
Before you get into an argument with this guy, come to Dear Cupid and argue with us instead.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 September 2010):
LMAO, for how long this time?
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (13 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe worked things out.. We always do. We attempted to be physical last night but got interrupted..
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (12 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI'm trying I told him we need to compromise and cooperate with each other. There's not only 1 but 2 people in this relationship. I've held my feelings in for so long about this situation that I just finally birdies. I think he's the one who thinks he always has to be right. If only you knew. I can't explain my whole life story...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (12 September 2010):
Shelby, please stop being so stubborn. You can't force the world to work the way you want and always bow to your demands. If you love this guy, then try to compromise, try to find a way for him to be happy, without making you unhappy. Relationships are best when both people feel stronger. Love means considering his needs and wants as well as your own.
The age thing isn't important, except, older people are better at thinking of the needs of others. Younger people are often so determined to always be right, that they can seem self absorbed and very selfish.
Take this time to think about what a good relationship looks like.
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (12 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI guess you're right. I just want the answer that I want. With parent consent it's legal at the age of 16. But age don't matter to me.. I broke up with him tonight. He said he just wants one day of space then he wants to come back.. I don't think him and I will ever be able to stay away from each other... As much as I wish I could.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Look, if the relationship was really meant to be, you would inspire each other to better yourselves. Each of you would strive to be great people just because you want to live up to what the other deserves.
"he can easily leave if he really wants to. the door is right there."
That's not quite the attitude you need. Best for both your sakes to call it quits.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (11 September 2010):
In America the legal age of consent is 18. You're jailbait honey.
You don't actually want advice though. All you do is try to rebut any advice you're given. Good luck. Come back when you're ready to listen rather than fish for the answer you want to hear.
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (11 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionLegal age is 16. He's over 21 and it's already been a roller coaster. Like I said we've both made mistakes in the relationship. My mistakes have something to do with talking to other people his mistakes are not treating me how I way to be treated. I'm the type of girl who neeeds a lot of attention..
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (11 September 2010):
Although you say he wants to marry you, and has voluntary chosen to give up things which cause him pleasure, the bottom line is the guy is not happy. Remember you came here to find out why your guy isn't as loving as before. As you said, if he doesn't like your demands, he can head for the front door. The problem is, from what you said originally, he might be making the choice to do that in the future.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (11 September 2010):
Flat out, unless he's 18 then smoking and chewing are illegal. If he's under 21 then drinking is illegal. In any case, being with you is illegal.
With the lack of judgment he's already showing, you've got a roller coaster ahead of you.
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (11 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhes the one that told me he wants to marry me. ive had to give up much more than he has.. i didnt stop him from hanging out with his friends. i just dont like it. he stops himself. i told him i wouldnt mind him hanging out with his friends if i could come along sometimes. chewing and smoking is a disgusting habbit. and he drinks occasionally. hes choosing to give things up. he can easily leave if he really wants to. the door is right there.
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 September 2010):
To be with you, he has to quit drinking, chewing and he has to give up his friends.. and you wonder why the man is unhappy...
Why do you expect him to celebrate and be happy when you've taken away a lot of things that entertain him?
Now you want to get closer, so you can see what he's doing and bring in more rules and take away more fun... I can see why the man might want some space and might be trying to push you away.
mmmm... he's older than you, so he's been having fun for a long time before you came in his life and stopped him... somehow, I think you should slow down on this marriage thing, it might not be suitable future for him even if it isfor you..
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (10 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionalso i made him quit chewing and smoking. and him and i drink occasionally but not often. with his friends, if they drink he has to drink too.
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (10 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionhes older than me.. and now of days most people are doing that or worst.. but hes choosing not to hangout with them. im not forcing him not to. I dont like it though because they try to get him to break up with me and they talk shit about me and he lets them and dont back me up. im sorry but if he wants to be with me and marry me and start a family some day he will stand up for me.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (10 September 2010):
Wait a second, are you really 16/17? How old is your BF? If he's out drinking, smoking, and chewing a bunch, this is a bad sign if he's this age. I'm not saying I was a saint by any means, but that kind of behavior usually gets worse before it gets better.
If his friends don't like you, then you're dealing with some other issues. You don't want him hanging out with his friends because of the way he "changes." That means that you're taking away important people from his life. Bad influence or not, they are his friends and by trying to take him away from them you're driving a wedge into your relationship.
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (10 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI told him maybe he would want to see me more if he didn't see me everyday. He said but I want to spend everyday with you. ---- he sure don't act like it. Then we got into an argument last night and he was like I should see what Jason is ip to sometime and I'm sure you wanna see Jene right? I wouldn't mind us hanging out with our friends but his friends hate me and don't want him with me and everytime he gets around his friends his personality completely changes and he's rude to me and if he hangs out with his friends one time it turns into an everyday thing and I can't stand how much he ignores me when he's with them and last time he quit smoking and chewing they got him started back up. He also drank slot with them and he knows that don't go over to well with me...
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A
female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
"But when my interests are in my friends or someone else, then he puts all of his effort into not losin me and into our relationship... What can I do to get him to want me?"
Seems you answered your own question.
Keep doing new things with him, inside and outside the house. Romance will keep the relationship exciting. However, so will the risk of loosing you. Keep up your hobbies and your friends and other interests, so he knows you have other choices and opportunities. Guy sounds lazy, you love him, you want him, he doesn't have to try cause you aint going anywhere.
Either try to get some activities going that you both will enjoy, go to dinner, go to movies, go swimming, go for a walk.. if he doesn't respond, well fine, you asked, go and do stuff on your own.
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (9 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been together two years. And yes we've had sex multiple times. We were even trying to have a baby about a month ago. He don't go to school he works. I've turned him down in the PAST but who doesn't gettirneddown. Lately I'll touch him and it still don't lead to anything further. He doesn't even say anything when I do it. So about 3 days ago I decided to stop. I want to put all of my effort into the relationship because I want to be closer to him. I have bad trust issues so I alwaysthink he's out with another girl but at the same time I don't think he would do that to me. I'm not sure what's causing him to be this way but it hurts and I don't know how much more I wanna take of it. He says he loves me but I just don't feel like he wants me. Shouldn't there be something I can do to get his attention or something?!?
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A
female
reader, Shelbyy-x +, writes (9 September 2010):
Shelbyy-x is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe've been together for over 2 years. We've had sex multiple times. We were even trying for a baby. He don't go to school he works. I want to give my relationship my all because I want to be closer to him but it's seeming to just push him away. About 2 weeks ago it seemed like we were closer than we have been in about a year.. I'm not sure what's causing this but I hate it! Shouldn't there be something I can do to get his attention again!
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A
female
reader, Duckyhelp +, writes (8 September 2010):
 Focus your attention to your interests and friends and see how he reacts, but when you are together and you know he isnt tired, then talk to him about this, and how you both feel and make sure you guys both want this. Which im sure he will.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 September 2010):
Good question Odds. Have you two actually had sex? I agree that if you haven't then his behavior is much more explicable.
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A
male
reader, Odds +, writes (8 September 2010):
Wait, have you actually had sex with him? It sounds like he used to *try* a lot, but was always turned down. Most guys will only put up with that for so long these days, particularly if they are young and hormonal or if they have other options.
If you were putting out and he's acting like this, then he may be having problems in his personal life that he doesn't want to talk about - depression, family issues, school problems, something. That could leave him too emotionally drained to get intimate, even just kissing. He wouldn't be feeling it.
Figure out which it is. If the former, then he will eventually leave without sex. It's up to you whether that means holding out or giving in. If he's having emotional problems, you can try to talk to him about it, but a lot of guys would refuse - he wouldn't want to look weak in front of you. Best thing to do is just to be there for him, not demanding anything.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (8 September 2010):
Sounds like you've got to quit trying so hard. If he pays more attention when you're giving him less, then that's an obvious solution.
The thing is, I'm wondering if this isn't just a sign that the relationship is fading. Too tired can be a good excuse for sex, but "I love you," not so much in my book.
How long have you been together?
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