A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:My boyfriend of almost 4 years and I have been going through a tough time recently. For the past year my mother has been dying slowly due to cancer. Its all over her body and there isnt an "if" but a "when" in this situation. For me, being very close to my family, this has been very very difficult. I had to drop most my classes last semester, get angry for no reason, and all sorts of other understandable and negative things. I know its really tough for my boyfriend to deal with, especially considering he doesnt like my family much and never has.I want to make a side note that my family adores my boyfriend very much and are very grateful for his help in my life. Theyd love to see us make a family together. They are good people going through a hard financial time and dont always make the best choices. They fight a lot with each other and dont really lend me much support in anything and yet expect me to go out of my way regularly to help them pay for and take care of things because with my mom sick, they are struggling.Hes been great about the whole thing mostly and I feel lucky to have had so much support. However there have been times when he has told me he just doesnt know if he can stick this out with me because of my mom dying. He has said he just doesnt know if he wants to pursue much of a future with me because of my whole family. He doesnt want to inherit them and hes not sure he loves me enough to do so. I understand he may be upset and frustrated just as I am going through all of this, but at the same time I wonder if I shouldnt try and distance myself and deal with things on my own without the added guilt and stress he puts on me. Maybe he is feeling the same thing? The recent argument we had where he told me he isnt sure we have a future together because of my family really got me thinking back on how he has handled other things in our relationship before my mother got sick. The whole time we have been together he has never let me have my younger brothers in the house without him. If he hadnt gotten off work, I would have to stay away from our home until he got off, hed dictate when and who was allowed in my home and this included my family members and everyone else I knew. I just have never really felt like this is my home because he dictates all the rules. He convinced me to quit my job when I met him and go back to school, something I wasnt completely for at the time. Now, because he pays all the bills, he makes the rules on everything and tells me when I can pay half the bills, I will be an equal. (This notion is mostly recent, mostly coinciding with my mothers sickness.) What about all the cooking, sex, cleaning, and love I provide? I had to sit on the idea of quitting my job for months before I finally did because I was afraid of this. Now, 3.5 years later, Im wondering what I am doing here.Do you think this can all be ignored and written off as his frustration over my mothers dying just as I am having issues? Or am I finally seeing a lot of the stuff I should have earlier and move on? I just cant sit here and watch him be so unhappy, watch him communicate with exes and girls hed wished hed had and have him tell me its because he has no one to talk to. I cant hate my family because he does. I just dont know what to think about how all of the stuff he has said about them recently. If Im not ever going to be good enough because of my family, then I want to pursue something different.Thanks for reading!Any advice?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2010): He's a fruit loop...
no good selfish ass, you should never let anyone control bribe blackmail you...he can be replaced your mother can not. Id tell him to sling his hook.
spunky monkey
A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (13 September 2010):
 this guy sounds controlling, I'd first let him know that your family is important to you and that if he can't find a way to get a long with them then it'll be hard to continue dating.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (13 September 2010):
this guy sounds controlling, I'd first let him know that your family is important to you and that if he can't find a way to get a long with them then it'll be hard to continue dating.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 September 2010):
 I agree with eyeswideopen that he sounds like a control freak. Really, the statement that basically made me dislike this fellow entirely was this: "Now, because he pays all the bills, he makes the rules on everything and tells me when I can pay half the bills, I will be an equal." WTF is that?!? Really? He should be viewing you as his equal now, and he always should have been. He talked you into a situation where you'd be dependent upon him and is using that to make you his little slave girl. I don't like it one bit.
Your family situation could very well be adding to the overall stress put on the relationship, but really I think you're getting a taste of what he's like, and it's not good. A good BF would be supportive of you and your choices regarding your family. He wouldn't be dictating that you can't have people over in your house without him. Screw that!
I hated my ex-gf's family too. They were a bunch of crazy criminals (literally, diagnosed schizophrenic, drug addicted, constantly in and out of jail) but I didn't let that influence my choice to be with her. I also didn't treat her like less of a person because she made less money or didn't work, or wanted to help her family. I offered my support, because that's what you do for someone you love.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 September 2010):
 How old is your boyfriend? I guess it doesn't really matter but I get the feeling he quite a bit older than you. Nonetheless he sounds like a control freak and he want to have that control over ALL aspects of your life. One of the first flags is that he wants to distance you from your family. If he truly loved you he would never keep you away from them. Right now I would try to get some distance from him, which won't be easy since he's made you fiancially dependant on him. Is there somebody you could move in with for awhile?
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