A
female
age
41-50,
*is Wife
writes:I've been married 9 years now. My husband says I lov you, only when getting off the phone, leaving, or going to bed. I know he says I love you, but is he still "IN LOVE" with me? We have 4 boys, work different shifts, hectic schedules. I've caught him watching porn, and confronted him with this, he says he accidentaly clicked on it, but when I asked him about it befor he replied "well if we had sex more often, I wouldn't have to watch it." So I believe he is watching it. And if he's lied to me once, I believe now he has lied to me many times...is he cheating? I love my husband sooo much. I told him, that all the time he spends watching that, he could be making love to me. When we do have sex, he doesn't speak, and it's not often. When I do laundry, his underwear are kind of crusty feeling??? I'm so scared?! I've been reading lots of books, on marriages, and chicken soup for the soul, lots of inspirational books. I admit i have nagged on him, as any wife does, but I just want him to hold me sometimes, love me, and make love to me...not just have sex! Big difference. But the porn issue, how can I trust him? And I wonder if he has cheated on me? Sooo confused! I don't want to lose my marriage. I've asked him to read the book "I Promise", he said he's not reading it. He says he's not much of a reader. I have one day off on Saurdays, and we are at the footballl field all day with the kids. I want him to make more time fo "US". But I just want the truth from him, and I WILL leave it at that. If he has,it's called forgiveness! Ican do that, but I tell him my feelings, and he never tells me his. He has never told me I'm pretty, beautiful, or any compliments in the 9 years we've been married. I asked him if he still loves me, or is he with me just because of the kids. His response, I wouldn't still b here if I didn't? Not the response I was looking for.I love him so much, and something needs to change, even if it's me. I don't feel as if I should have to ask him to make love to me...call me old-fashioned, but doesn't any girl like it when their husbands sweep them off their feet? I want that same feeeling as the first day we met back. Help please!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2010): Also... watching porn is not a big deal... lots of men (and boyfriends and husbands) do it... watch it with him to get you both turned on, and then have sex! Men are visual. In other countries around the world, porn is freely sold at newstands on the street, where little kids can pick it up and look at it. It's distinctly American to be so prudish about porn. So don't worry about the porn watching... it is NOT a sign of cheating.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (13 September 2010):
 He's gotten complacent in your marriage. On the bright side, I'm not getting the affair vibe from what you've written. He does watch porn and either masturbates into his underwear, or that's precum that is crusting them up a bit. On the bright side, that means he still has a sex drive.
Here is where I see his major problem. He's a very "typical man" in the way he lacks expression of his emotions and feelings toward you. To him, the answer, "I wouldn't be here if I didn't" is perfectly acceptable, and his way of saying, "Of course I do! DUH!!!" To him, you're likely coming off as insecure and a worry wart.
What can you do? What drove him wild when you first met? Before the kids. Before all the bills, the marriage, all the obligations. Those are likely things that may still trip his trigger.
Again, what can you do? Couple's counceling may help. He will likely be uncomfortable with that idea though. You mentioned that your kids play football. How old are they? Are they old enough that you could have a date night? Date night would be a great time for you two to get to know eachother again. To have some romantic time where your focus can be on eachother rather than everything else in your lives.
My parents marriage was on the verge of collapse about 10-15 years ago. They went to therapy, and found out that my father was clincially depressed. What also came out is that he felt unappreciated. He actually resented us (the kids) because we were the center of our mom's universe. He felt like his wife who he loved had been taken away from him. Fortunately they were able to work past this. Part of how they did it was by making an effort to spend more quality time together. Date night. Now it's part of their routine. They are both retired, but they still do their date nights because it is a way to get away from the responsibilities around the house. The kids are gone for them now, and they still do their date night.
In their case, they were able to work past the problems, and now have a relationship stronger than it ever was (according to my mom). I hope that you can get something from this story that will be useful to you.
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A
female
reader, LLindy87 +, writes (13 September 2010):
 sounds like the change you need is just to spice your love life up, its hard in this busy world and especially once kids are introduced, because then its not always about you two as a couple but you two with your family (children).
The porn thing isn't a big deal, don't peg it as cheating. He could actually be cheating but instead he's still loyal, just playing with himself. It means that he recognizes the lack of sex in your relationship as well, and maybe if you take the initiative to sweep him off his feet first could be the answer. Maybe, light some candles, buy some sexy lingerie, soothing music, or maybe fix a romantic bubble bath.
The reason I think you should take the initiative is because you already told him to and he hasn't. This way you're not a nag anymore like you said you were, and you can become a sexy seductrice and revive your sex life. If this man loves you, he'll be into it.
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