A
male
age
41-50,
*hucklwaters
writes:When I met my girlfriend, she told me she hadn't had a boyfriend in 4 years. While "technically," this was true, it turns out she had had a "casual relationship" with a man for two years. And she continued having sex with him for a short time even after she met me. I really feel deceived. It took her 7 months to tell me about the other guy, and her not counting him as a "boyfriend," seems, at best, evasive to me. Ever since learning about her relationship with him, I've been sick to my stomach. I'm disgusted by her behavior. She says they didn't date, they never even talked about her daughter, all they did was "get together and 'F'." Bottom line is she lied to me, and was used as someone's sex toy for 2 years. I believe most women go into these relationships hoping it'll turn out to be something more, and essentially they get treated like the guy's whore. I guess it's kind of cool for the guy, but for a guy like me, I feel like I'm getting some guy's used goods. What do you think?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): There is a double standard against chastity these days. It is okay to avoid dating people who don't have casual sex, but it is no longer okay to avoid dating people who do.
A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (11 September 2010):
 Perhaps look at it this way.
There are choices we make about our lives that are up to us. They do say something about our values, but really only apply to ourselves. Perhaps I'm a vegetarian, or I don't think guns should be legal, or I don't think parents should hit their kids. Perhaps I find people who don't think the same way as me upsetting or shocking.
But whilst I'm free to live my life by these rules, I don't have the right to judge others if they believe differently. I would clearly prefer others to think like me, but I can't force them, nor do I have the right to.
I can also try to choose a partner that has similar values. Although we all have to recognize that we'll never find someone with exactly the same values as us, so we have to compromise, or stay single forever.
This issue you face is one of those kinds of value judgements. For you it feels wrong, but for her it doesn't. Neither does it feel wrong to many many others. Especially in today's increasingly pro-female times.
You have every right to believe what you believe. But that doesn't make her wrong, nor does it give you the right to judge her.
You can choose to leave her because you feel your values are too different, I you want to. It's up to you. Or you can choose to compromise, because you feel this woman is someone you want to be with. But whatever you do, don't act as if you have some moral superiority or are a better person than her. You are different, that is all.
The last thing I'll say is do know that almost all women will think what she did is fine. You can do what you like with that information.
Good luck.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (11 September 2010):
Of course it's ok, if that's what she wanted to do. Freedom is freedom, no?
There's no law that's says it's wrong. There's no moral code that she's obligated to follow that says it's wrong.
You FEEL it's wrong, yes. But that doesn't make it so. You don't have the right to cast judgement on her, any more than she has te right to cast judgement on you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): I think about five men on earth think the way that Yos and Q think- that women should be allowed to have their freedom and have as much casual sex as they want.
The rest WILL judge and treat your differently if you were part of a FWB set up or had 50 one nighters.
Women, on the other hand like to delude themselves into thinking that lots of men hold the same value as Q and Yos, then find out that after all the fun is over, when they are ready to settle down that very few men will want them. Also, lets not forget that women are also quick to judge fellow women and are the first to call them sluts and slags.
Bottom line, why is there such a need to go out and have so much sex? Why not wait? Why does every single need have to be fulfilled whenever and wherever? Surely, waiting for the right person so that these issues do not rise is worth far more than getting your sexual needs met each and every time?
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male
reader, Chucklwaters +, writes (11 September 2010):
Chucklwaters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your response. But do the people who think that she did nothing wrong... really think it's okay to have sex with someone for 2 years - and feel nothing. To me it's shocking. And I was stunned that she told me - I didn't tell you because all we did was get together and "f." As if that means the relationship had no meaning? She said - I didn't even think to tell you about him because it meant nothing to me.
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male
reader, Yos +, writes (11 September 2010):
Men are genetically programmed to prefer non-promiscuous women when it comes to long term commitment in a relationship. On top of this, several thousand years of male-dominated culture (now thankfully in decline) has filled our heads with 'reasons' why this is ok.
This is why you feel what you feel. And why you feel it's ok to make the statements you have.
The attitudes that you are writing here used to be mainstream, but outside of still-male dominated cultures like the Middle East, they are now considered old-fashioned and sexist. This is because we, as men, are now expected to take the female perspective into account. To respect the female point of view. Which you are not doing: hence you are being attacked here and being labelled a sexist. Which you are, by today's standards.
Women have very different feelings and programming when it comes to promiscuity. Female values are generally not the same, especially around the judgements you are making about this woman.
You might want to consider why you consider your (male) judgements more valid than other (female) judgments, especially when we are looking at how a woman behaves. Wouldn't the female perspective be more appropriate to use to look at female behavior?
Either way, you have to decide what you want. You have two choices:
- Leave her, and find a woman who had never had a one night stand or a fwb relationship. That's your right to do, if you like. But so bear in mind that the chance of you finding a woman with no history who is attractive and likes sex is zero. She'll either be ugly, or she'll just not be interested and you'll spend the rest I'd your life in the missionary position once a week.
Or, even more likely, you'll find a woman that lies to you about her sexual past. Which is what most women have to do with guys who judge them like you do.
- Your other option is to stay with her. If you love this woman, then make it work. Remind yourself that she was at least only doing this with one guy, not 20, that she has told you about it, and that her behaviour is totally normal. Do not judge her or criticize her for what she did if you stay with her: that will destroy your relationship. If you stay you have to let this go.
I used to feel like you did: my partner had had a lot of random casual sex. And it tormented me.
I also have married a woman who was a virgin when I met her. And divorced her.
So I have had tasted both sides. And now I'm sure I like to be with a woman who likes sex as much as I do, which inevitably means she'll have a history. Which is a small price to pay for a good relationship, including a good sexual relationship.
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female
reader, Carrot2000 +, writes (11 September 2010):
 I agree with Q; why don't you post the details of your sexual history here for comparison? That way the ladies of DC can use your past to judge whether or not you're marriage material.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (11 September 2010): Why thank you very much Chuck, I know now to these kind of things under wraps. I admit, my bf hates it when i talk about my long term exes or casual flings - flings because we were BOTH trying to decide whether to have a relationship or not. I like to test drive a guy before entering an official relationship. Girls are all about the same, from what i hear. Of course, some guys want to play and that's it. I agree, f buddies aren't my thing but how fast they got cut out depends on how good they are at deception.I say... get over it or get out. I could never get over my ex bf having a girlfriend he travelled by bus all over the US with die in his arms of an overdose. I realize it might just gnaw away at you, but why can't you blame the doctor? He seems to be quite a douche. Women like sex just as much as men do, or more.If I were nursey girl, I'd break up w/ you b/c you seem really insecure. But thank u very much for the tip, I will keep quiet on this sort of thing in the future.
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female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 "I'm not against sex - love it - so I'll sleep with women who've boned up on their bedroom skills as an F-buddy. But long-term, I'm gonna marry a woman who's been a little more discriminating."
Well perhaps she thought the same about you, you are bang out of order with your double standards, and totaly sexist.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (10 September 2010):
 THE WORD ACCORDING TO CHUCKLWATERS.... "But the f-buddy relationship is about all about objectification; hence, reducing people to things.""I'm not against sex - love it - so I'll sleep with women who've boned up on their bedroom skills as an F-buddy. But long-term, I'm gonna marry a woman who's been a little more discriminating.""There are girls you have sex with... and girls you build a life with. Being someone's sex buddy disqualifies a woman from serious consideration."Solution, dump the girl and move on... problem solved for her.
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male
reader, gigolojone  +, writes (10 September 2010):
 Where there is a mutual agreement,there is no say of one being used.
However if i tell you how much i love you in order to find my way into your pants and after getting into them and knowing you i tell you i don't need you or say it was all a farce and that i have someone....that is what can be classified as using someone.The person who has been deceived in this case feels used.
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male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (10 September 2010):
If you think she is a slut then surely you need to end the relationship? Otherwise your loss of respect for her will eventually start to really show in the way you treat her and it will all end badly.
I'm not saying you're wrong for feeling the way you do, I don't think I'd particularly like it if she mentioned this bombshell 7 months into a relationship when you would have already developed feelings for her.
That said though, if you do really feel like she is the one, I think you can get past this. i guess is everything else about her particularly great? Can the rest of her make up for the fact you don't like particular thing in her past?
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reader, anonymous, writes (10 September 2010): I am jumping in late here but I think something needs to be said. The OP is right.In almost everything we do in life - our past matters. When we go for a job; potential employers want to know where we worked before and where we went to school. When you rent an apartment, potential landlords want to know you're rental history... and so on.It matters in relationships too. I wouldn't want a car that has had 15 previous owners. Hell, I wouldn't even want a car thats had 3 previous owners. A woman and a MAN who has let themselves be somewhat indiscriminate about who they sleep with should expect the certain consequences. Having a fuck buddy is not like having three long term monogamous relationship, having a fuck buddy (and having one night stands) shows a somewhat lack of respect for ones worth. How many FWB work? And what do you think that is?IF you want a long term partner and mother to your kids then let this woman go. But I hope for al your talk you aren't the kind of man to sleep around and have f-buddys too.
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A
male
reader, Chucklwaters +, writes (10 September 2010):
Chucklwaters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your thoughtful responses. It's interesting that many people try to say that no emotions are involved in these "f-buddy" relationships. I think those people are mistaken. Few people can fully make themselves devoid of emotion when they're having sex with the same person for years. In my girlfriend's case the guy was a handsome, athletic, successful doctor, whom she thought was smart and funny. So... why is this guy only good as a "sex partner" only? It's because that's all he wanted. He told her he had a rule that he didn't date women with children, and she had a daughter. So she accepted his terms - and never ever talked about her daughter to him. And she agreed to have sex with him... and that there would be nothing more. Don't you think during her 2 years of screwing him, she thought she might change his mind? She was a nurse. And I think she got used like so many nurses get used by doctors. Also, some writers here seem to take offense to the word "used." They say only "things," not people, can be "used." And they're right, in part. But the f-buddy relationship is about all about objectification; hence, reducing people to things. There is, in my opinion, nothing liberating for a woman to learn to detach her emotions from sex.. if that's even possible.
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A
male
reader, Chucklwaters +, writes (10 September 2010):
Chucklwaters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIn almost everything we do in life - our past matters. When we go for a job; potential employers want to know where we worked before and where we went to school. When you rent an apartment, potential landlords want to know you're rental history... and so on. Why, suddenly, when it comes to dating people say hollowly: "The past is the past, it doesn't matter" Our past absolutely matters. So I think if you "trained" as an F-buddy for two years... that makes you highly qualified and skilled to be an F-buddy... and nothing more. I'm not against sex - love it - so I'll sleep with women who've boned up on their bedroom skills as an F-buddy. But long-term, I'm gonna marry a woman who's been a little more discriminating.
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female
reader, blahblahblahh +, writes (10 September 2010):
Well firstly, I think the problem here is the fact that she lied to you about this. I think it's wrong that she continued with this man for a while after meeting you. Putting myself in your shoes, I would be very upset about her continuing having sex with the other man having met you. And when someone lies to you, of course you find it hard to trust them.
BUT, you are coming across extremely sexist here. You should not judge a woman any more than you would a man. If a woman wants to have casual sex with someone and nothing more, does not make her a whore. Nor is she used as a sex toy, she would only be used if she loved this man and he didn't love her back. If no feelings are involved on both parts and it's simply a bit of fun, this doesn't she was being 'used.' You say it's kind of cool for the guy, why is this? When it comes to casual sex, women are often regarded as whores and the man is patted on the back for it and called a stud. Have you ever slept around or had casual sex? I think you need to try and figure out why you think men can have different rules than women. No one woman wants to be in a relationship with a sexist man.
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male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (10 September 2010):
Then I don't know what is wanted. We are all going to have our own opinions but as advice goes I still think there isn't much that can actually be done about the situation. Most guys always have problems with a girl's past more so than a girl with a guy's past. I think the more important issue is trying to overcome this emotion unless you feel like you have wasted your time with this girl. You haven't really said much about her but if you have been with her for this long and she came out to you like this then maybe she is worth keeping around.
I hope though, you feel just as sick in your stomach for the guys that encourage this behavior to girls.
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male
reader, Mr. Smith +, writes (10 September 2010):
Contrary to what people say that the past is past and shit like that... let's get real... men do care about there partners past and so do women. For now it is all cool to say she lovs you and focus on that... try explaining that to your kids if you happen to have them, the way you live your life is the best example you can give your children. And what people say that she needs someone to act like an adult and be there for her... that is bullshit, you stay just the way you are, it is stupid for you to prove to your "girldfriend" the latter...
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male
reader, Chucklwaters +, writes (9 September 2010):
Chucklwaters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your responses. But the fact is that" sex and the city" mentality that some women have today - is fine for a guy who's just looking to get laid. But when your looking for a real relationship, guys don't want women who slept with men who didn't care enough about them to even buy them dinner.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): The fact is women can have sex just because, this does not make her a slut. No one minds when a man does it and it should be the same for a woman. I wonder if we are ever going to be treated equal.
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male
reader, Chucklwaters +, writes (9 September 2010):
Chucklwaters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks again for your responses. But the fact is that" sex and the city" mentality that some women have today - is fine for a guy who's just looking to get laid. But when your looking for a real relationship, guys don't want women who slept with men who didn't care enough about them to even buy them dinner.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 September 2010):
 So you firmly believe that a girl with a regular sex partner is a whore and a guy in the same situation is a stud?
WOW talk about being a big time misogynist! Good luck with finding a women with that mindset.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): Let her go, no one wants to be around someone like you. She deserves to have someone love her, it seems you are totally incapable of any empathy or understanding.
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male
reader, Boy Blue +, writes (9 September 2010):
Well dude its not like she was going to tell you it from day one right? I get that you are upset but there isn't much she can do about it and neither can you.
I think what is bugging you the most is questioning if you can trust her. I don't know if she will be faithful but I suppose this is something that you need to talk to her about.
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Gotta love closed mindedness.
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male
reader, Chucklwaters +, writes (9 September 2010):
Chucklwaters is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your responses. I just think a woman who have sex for years without loving the person - or even being in a relationship with them - is a slut. And, the truth be told, most men feel this way. There are girls you have sex with... and girls you build a life with. Being someone's sex buddy disqualifies a woman from serious consideration. She's just hosting a party - so now you're invited. Just don't stay too long.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (9 September 2010):
I think you are over reacting a tad as well. So she was in a "fuck-buddy" relationship.. So what?
The fact that she continued it into YOUR relationship is more worrisome and could cause some trust issues.
I don't think that she is some dude's USED GOODS. Wow, that is really a low blow. No wonder she didn't tell you.
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female
reader, Miamine +, writes (9 September 2010):
"Bottom line is she lied to me, and was used as someone's sex toy for 2 years."
Your views are outdated, this is the 21st century babes. We women can do casual sex if we don't fancy dating. Men do it all the time. Have sex with lots of women until the get married. We women are a bit more picky, a lot of the time it's easier for us to keep just one stud in the stable.
mmm... are you a virgin... have you kept yourself pure for 4 years or more? Do you only have sex in marriage. Do you consider yourself a sex toy or a whore because you have sex without marriage.
Goose and gander comes to mind....
After hearing your opinions, I know why I don't fancy being someone's girlfriend, "friends with benefits" seems so much more attractive.
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male
reader, gigolojone +, writes (9 September 2010):
She must have told you this because 1) You wanted to know and 2) Felt she could count on you to understand.
If you were to ask every woman you meet or date how many men they have been with,trust me,you would get sick to the stomach all the time.
I know we men don't like the idea of knowing that she was doing stuff with so and so but that is life. It's best to concentrate on the things you like about her than her past...look for the good side of her and celebrate that.
If you leave her just like that,the next guy may also probably react like you or may be interested in satisfying himself other than offering emotional support and love.
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female
reader, Gabrielle Stoker +, writes (9 September 2010):
 Persons aren't 'goods' to be used or otherwise. You may feel betrayed - it does look as though she has been economical with the truth, but do try to evaluate the situation on its own merits. She's not the only person to have had a casual relationship.
If she loves you and is ocmmited to you now, can't you overlook her past?
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male
reader, dirtball +, writes (9 September 2010):
I think you're over reacting. She wasn't being a sex toy because she chose to be there. She could have ended it if she wanted to. It doesn't sound like she was being used and abused, they had a casual sex relationship. BOTH men and women want these. It isn't a man only thing. Why does it matter if they were BF/GF? Would you be able to accept she had sex with someone else if they had an "Official" relationship?
The only thing I'd be upset about is that it continued while we were dating. Well, you say it lasted a short time after she met you. Was this during the time she was deciding if she wanted to be with you? If that's the case, then this isn't betrayal. Her not wanting to tell you about it was to avoid the reaction you've given. You're passing judgement rather than acting like an adult.
Heck, the way I look at it is that it is better that it was just one guy rather then a string of random guys. That's at least safer from an STD perspective.
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reader, anonymous, writes (9 September 2010): i think your a guy that deserves truthful and a loveing relationship but your girlfreind is being honest with you and has ahigh sex drive everyone has differnt sex drive i think if you are both compatable together am sure you can work things out if she only wants to use you then you should move on to someone that wants the same as you and not to be used as a sex toy you must both be honest with each other and know what you both want just talk its important
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