A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Well me and Caleb have been dating for years. His dad abused his mom(not really in front of him). He has also done the same to Caleb and choked him even just last week for grades..he fights back with his dad whenever this happens. Thank god because of last week he moved back in with his mom. But anyways there has been this one girl he dated while we wernt together for a month, who claims they were drinking one night and he lost his temper and laid his hands on her abusively. No one really trusts this girl she's always looking for drama ect... so some people are skeptical. BUT..there is a chance she could be telling the truth. Should i be worried about my well being staying with this boy? I love him soo much. Out of all the years he's never laid his hands on me like that. The most is he would punch a wall in front of me. But i dont want to put myself in danger.Should i be worried about me, and becoming another statistic of a girl who gets abused by her boyfriend? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, kirra07  +, writes (16 October 2010):
I've seen my dad abuse my mom all growing up. He never laid a hand on me, but did scare the crap out of me. While it didn't make me necessarily abusive (I'm a girl anyway, so I've never come across as threatening beyond lighthearted smacking a guy on the shoulder), I do have many of the same anger issues that he has. The apple doesn't far fall from the tree. On the other hand, I hate what he did, and I hate some of the parts of me that are close to him. So I fight and try as hard as I can not to be him or become him. My anger issues are becoming more manageable.
I wouldn't judge your bf on what that girl said, if she's that much of a drama queen that people doubt her word. If he's never laid a hand on you that's a good sign. He's an angry guy, who can blame him? It's how he channels it that matters. Does he punch walls a lot? Does it seem like he loses control a lot? Or can he cool down and cope? Does he feel he has an anger issue? Talk to him about it. He likely doesn't want to become his father.
But if he ever does abuse you, get out. At that point, you definitely have your answer.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): At some point he's going to start beating you. You see all the signs and heard that he already laid his hands on one. Like Timmd says not all repeats the cycle, but your guy have already started. If you continue the cycle then I would make sure I get good health insurance, start accepting his kicking apologizes, and get ready to be control. Those things run together.
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A
female
reader, Napalm_Angelripper +, writes (15 October 2010):
 As a lot of people have said, people who have been through abuse do not always turn into abusers themselves.I was abused by both my parents growing up, specifically my father. Although I admit, I have temper issues (particularly when I drink), I haven't forcefully lashed out at anyone I've been in a relationship with, not physically anyway. I had a bad tendency however, to take the pain out on myself whenever I was really angry, or sad, or what have you. My boyfriend has been through something similar, although not exactly the same situation.We both have huge anger issues, as mentioned before. Although we have been going together for a while now, and drink quite often (which sometimes acts as a catalyst for a lot of negative things), we have never hit each other. We have actually been trying to work through our issues by talking to each other, as we really want to make this work and get better. Sometimes when we are too inebriated and we realize it, we forget about it for the night and push it into to tomorrow to deal with it when we have a better head on our shoulders.Have you spoken to him at all about it, or is it a sensitive issue? Try talking to him about it some more, and mebbe see if he's willing to calm down on the drinking, that is, if he's a drinker. I don't know if it's the same with him, but I'm a lot more volatile when I have some booze in me, as is my boyfriend. Tell him your worries. You should be able to communicate with him. Try helping him work on it, and if you do not feel you have the necessary tools to help him, then suggest that he could go get some professional counselling instead. If you know that he is not the type to go out and seek help, then try to help him yourself without him really realizing it, if you, yourself, want to deal with all of this. If not, then it is unfortunate, but it is your life. And if you are truly scared, and do not take the risk, then it is perfectly understandable, you should get out immediately.If you are willing to stay, then do it. But please, whatever you do, if he EVER hits you, then get out IMMEDIATELY. HE WILL NOT CHANGE, and if he does, it will be in a long time through a lot of counselling and later experiences.Also, try prodding the girl he went out with before to get a few more facts about what had happened. But if she's as big a bullsh***** as you say, then don't even bother, and just disregard what she has to say, although not completely. Basically, just don't take it to heart.I hope the very best for you. Take care now.-The Resident Metalhead
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A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (15 October 2010):
 Not all children of abusers turn into abusers themselves. However, they're almost always effected by it in some way. Punching a wall? That is excessive. How about over all anger? I have a feeling he's had angry outbursts around you that you've seen... right? If that is the case I'd be very very careful. Don't let your love for him make you think "Sure he's angry but he'd never hurt me because he loves me".
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 October 2010): A lot people come from abusive families and become great people who never abuse their own family. So, i wouldn't dismiss him so easily but you should advise some professional help. Talk to him about it maybe. And if he ever does hit you, leave ASAP. Good luck!
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (15 October 2010):
 Not all children of abuse turn into abusers. My father was abused and never once hit me, my brother, or my mom. Your boyfriend needs help. He runs a high risk for becoming abusive and should work to stop it before it becomes a problem. Anger managment would definitely be something he should look into.
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female
reader, DrPsych  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 If he punches walls then he has huge anger management issues...and that could well mean you are at risk. Although you are dismissive of his ex, you should hear what she has to say. He comes from a family where there is physical abuse and that puts him at a high risk of replicating what he has seen in the past. He needs specialist counselling to break the bad habit of expressing his frustration physically. In his adult life he needs to learn non-aggresssive ways of handling stressful situations. You may love him but part of that process is to guide him towards the professional help that he needs. Don't do it because you fear him hurting you. Do it because he needs therapy to deal with his horrible childhood experiences and his tendency to get angry now. If he ever does hurt you, leave him immediately. You must put your own safety first.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (15 October 2010):
He is abusive, and you need to walk away. His father has abused him, and yes though his ex could be looking for drama, but you mentioned that he has punched a wall in front of you. That's a sign that he will turn into his father, so perhaps you should walk away.
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