A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife and I have been married for 16 years we have children, and well at least I was happy and I truly loved her. Many years ago I caught her cheating it broke my heart but I forgave her and we continue to live together and we were actually happy. Towards the end of last year I discover that she never stopped cheating on me that she carried this ongoing affair with this man she called her boyfriend I found this out through letters that she kept hidden from me. Well I confronted her and she left me and went to live with this man, this cause me so much pain I still saw her and had sex with her, but than I put a stop to it, I did not want to be my wife's lover so I ended it and told her that she choice to be with her boyfriend and that was that. I walked away and even transferred jobs it was just to painful to stay local. I finally decided it was time to file for a divorce. I met this beautiful women and we started dating and we became exclusive, but than the shadows from my past came knocking at my door and I honestly don't know what to. I love my wife and I want to forgive her and give it another try, but I'm scare she will hurt me and do me wrong again. My girlfriend is a little distant from me right now because she is mad at me for not telling her I was married. As I explained to her that I'm not with her and that I did file for divorce but than she asked me If I still had feelings for my wife and I stayed quiet. I do love my wife, I have feelings for my girlfriend but I know deep down its my wife I love. My question is should I go in knowing that my wife is not a good person and might hurt me again even thought she is promising that she will never do me bad again. Or should I stay with my girlfriend and see if this relationship grows more, I do have feelings for my girlfriend its just that I love my wife more. I'm confuse!
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 October 2010): Toss your wife like she is yesterday's newspaper. She will do nothing but cause you hurt.
A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (19 October 2010):
 It is hard to have to face the fact that your marriage is over, but your marriage was over the minute she cheated and lied to you. It is important to be in love when your in a relationship so you are probably right in not continuing with your girl. Give it time and with time you will learn to let go of the past but remember in order for you to be happy in the future you need to deal with your pain right now. You may want to consider counseling it may help you.
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A
male
reader, Danielepew  +, writes (19 October 2010):
 Well, I can respect you for not trying again with the girlfriend, since you don't love her. But, painful as it is, your married life is over, and you'd better face it, sooner rather than later.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 October 2010): Thank you for taking the time to read my post and give me excellent advise. I understand I should not have witheld information to my girlfriend, but the truth is it is my wife the one I love. I wish I could have my family back, and for us to be happy. I think I will not pursued my girlfriend anymore, because I deeply feel that the feelings are not there. I know I shouldn't give my wife another chance and I probably will not because she has hurt me so much. I don't want to look like an idiot taking her back and be a laughing joke to everyone, because all my family and friends saw me fall to pieces when she left me for another man. Deep down I'm sadden because I really do love her.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (18 October 2010):
 You know, sometimes we convince ourselves we love someone and had it better with someone else when true LOVE is right there in front of us. Love isn't just a feeling, its how someone treats you, respects you and cares for you.I thought my ex of 8 years was in some ways better than my current partner. We had a very passionate (good and bad) relationship, I was head over heels in love. Yet, he mistreated me and disrespected me - which lead to our breakup. For almost two years my current boyfriend just couldn't cut it, in my head the love was just NOT the same and no one could compare to my ex.Not till I started taking counseling did I realize that I need to wake up!!! I have an amazing, loving, kind, available, respectful and wonderful man! My head told me it wasn't the same and maybe its not, but he treats me with so much more respect and love. I've come to realize that I do love him, it might not be passionate, but its a healthy and real love.Perhaps this is what you need to see? You're love with you wife was not healthy at all. There was no respect for you, there was no trust, her heart was somewhere else. You now have a woman who is willing to give you her whole heart. A woman you can trust who will treat you with respect.Perhaps you need to mend you heart first so you can see more clearly. Right now you are blind. Don't let this woman go and take counseling!
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A
male
reader, Danielepew +, writes (18 October 2010):
I don't think it's an exaggeration to say that countless men and women have lost good people because they didn't want, or couldn't, move on and go for wonderful people fate had put on their way. I'm afraid you will be one of these, too, unless you come to your senses.
She was your wife, she shared your life, and you loved her. She cheated on you for many years. All that time, she lied to you and put up a facade. When you confronted her, she left you, but then used you. And now that she has left you, you wonder whether you have to go for the new person, or go back to this bad apple. It's a no brainer for anyone who is not involved: you must not go back to your wife, not if you respect yourself and don't want to put yourself in a situation where you will be hurt again.
You did very wrong in not telling this new woman that you were married, even if you were divorced. And, I'm afraid you blew it with your new person when you were not able to say you didn't love your bad wife. Well, that happens.
If I were you, I would go back to Ms. New Woman and say something like "Listen up, an asshole on Dear Cupid told me I was dumb to even consider going back to my bad wife. He suggested that I came here and told you this, and, well, I'm telling you this. I'm here for you and whatever comes". But say that only if you mean it. The "asshole" part, and the rest of it, too.
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A
female
reader, raiders +, writes (18 October 2010):
I honestly feel that your wife don't deserve you. Why would you want to go back to her if she has proven time and time again how she is not satisfy by having only you.
You might love her but she has proven to you that she does not feel the same for you. I think people that cheat at times do deserve another chance, and I'm sorry to say this but I don't think your wife is worth going back to.
I feel that love is not enough to make a marriage work, are you going to be able to trust her, when she says she is out with the girls, I bet that feeling of mistrust is going to eat you up. You might be thinking she is having sex with another man when she is not with you, are you prepare for the future jealousy episodes you will experience if you take her back.
You seemed like a really nice person and this women must know how much you love her, and knows that your worth keeping around until she meets her next boy toy. Don't fall in her web move on continue with the divorce.
Regarding your girlfriend it might be to soon to engage yourself in an exclusive relationship, don't give her false hope if you still love your wife, don't play with her feelings maybe it will be best to let her go. Date, play around and commit once your ready.
Good Luck.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 October 2010):
 This is going to be mean, so I'll apologize in advance if my words hurt.
Your wife is a lying cheater and you need to stay away from her. She carried on that affair for far to long to be trusted in any way. I don't doubt your love for her, but what she did was abhorrent. You caught her cheating. You forgave her. She "repented." BUT, she never actually stopped the affair. This shows no remorse or respect for you or your relationship. The whole damn thing was a lie.
Not mentioning that you were still in the divorce process wasn't a wise move with your present GF. It is something that she will likely forgive. As is your love for your wife. This is someone who you spent 16 years of your life with. Part of you will always love her. But just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. That's what you need to explain to your GF.
Finish this divorce. Don't take your lying cheat of a wife back. She doesn't diserve you, and you surely diserve far better!
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A
male
reader, Ven +, writes (18 October 2010):
You should be single. If your wife has been cheating on you, MOVE ON. You will never trust her again, and you deserve better. You now have to look forward to trust issues for a good long time, and that goes for anyone you date. I know that sounds depressing, but it's happened to me and plenty of other people who will tell you the same thing.But, until you are able to get past feeling like you love your wife, you shouldn't be dating. I know it's hard to be alone, and that you feel like you NEED positive reinforcement that you are worth loving, but you have to be strong and get over your wife first. Until you do, you are going to hurt yourself more, and hurt the women who may actually be worth your time.Join a gym, or a backpacking club, or go get a physically-intensive job. Exercise releases chemicals that will boost your happiness, and getting in shape will boost your self-esteem. Go back to school and learn something just to learn, or join a gun club, or build a flying machine. Focus your efforts on getting past who you were, and become someone that you find impressive.
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