A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyone. I got some good advise over here in the past so thought I'd try again. So, a few months ago I was involved in a very awkward situation with two childhood friends both in love with me (rather, one in love, the other one confused as it turned out). I was head over heels in love with A and we slept together. However, we kept it all a secret (A's choice of course, he didn't want to hurt B's feelings unless he knew we were for real) and then he told me he felt guilty for going for the girl his best mate is in love with and was blowing hot and cold all summer (he would say he never wants to see me again and hang up the phone, then he would regret it, call and say he has feelings for me and that we have to come clean, it was very frustrating for me as I was still very much smitten and I hated hiding in the first place). B on the other hand was consistent, writing and keeping in touch and slightly flirting. All this time I was away on a business project for months. Now that I am back I find the two friends are no longer speaking to each other because of me and that A had been with someone else all summer. I was heartbroken. Apparently he treated this other girl like dirt upon my return so I told him I am over him (not completely true). B however is continuing the siege and I must admit I am so incredibly flattered. He is persistent yet manages to not come across as either desperate nor annoying. He is exactly what I would look for in a guy. Strong but sensitive, handsome, kind, intelligent and his advances are not annoying. In fact I am sure I am developing some pretty strong feelings for him.. BUT the past is the past and I feel it would be too much for me to bounce from one friend to the other, especially since I am not over what happened with his best friend. I am pretty sure I am not in love with B, but last night he kissed me (out of the blue, I was subtly trying to make a point by saying how much I appreciate his friendship. I swear I wasn't leading him on. I have been very honest about my feelings - or lack of them - from the start) and I certainly felt things I didn't expect to feel and I've been thinking about him all day, in spite of me I don't know what is wrong with me!I know I am not in love but I started having feelings. Does everyone here think I am about to make a HUGE mistake if I go out on a date with him? Am I being drawn for the wrong reasons? (it is not about getting back at anyone)Or sometimes it is better to base everything on more solid ground than passionate love? I was head over heels with A and look where it led me! Still trying to get over him and appear strong. And do I have to tell the truth about me and A having a sexual relationship? It sounds so crude like we went behind B's back but I know I did nothing wrong.I never lied to anyone nor did I lead anyone on, I just fell in love. If you have made it so far thanks for reading. I really need some help trying to figure out what is happening with me right now, because I just don't understand my feelings. Thanks in advance for taking the time
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best friend, fell in love, flirt, heartbroken Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I think you were attracted to A because he was a "bad boy" who kept you guessing. Lots of girls are attracted to that, but it is usually bad for them.
You're thinking in the right direction. It wouldn't be fair to B if you haven't worked out your feelings. Still, while you can't just turn off feelings, you can realize that they weren't healthy for you either.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionYou are right dirtball. Animal attraction will only get you this far. I know B can make me happy. I am just trying to be fair to him all along so that he can be happy too. A once referred to me as a chain around his neck (then he would write songs for me and tell me he had never felt this way, he even told the other girl that when he dumped her, he definitely has some nerve), B offered me his place to live in when I was evicted (I of course refused as I didn't want to profit from his feelings) and literally saved my life once when I got an anaphylactic shock. With A I never knew where I stood. One moment he loved me and then he hated me so A is not a viable option. With B I feel appreciated. I am leaning towards B myself of course but I really really want to be fair to him because he deserves it. Feelings don't just disappear because we want them to and in all honesty I am not 100% over A. Sorry I m blabbing. I just feel I am no longer in control of the situation and that I may end up hurting people in the process.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 October 2010):
A definitely could, but you also didn't really do anything wrong. Still, that may not change the way B feels about it. I would still lean toward B. That animal attraction is nice, but usually fades pretty quickly too.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 October 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses everyone. It is really amazing how two different people can provoke such different emotions... it is beyond me. When I think of A it is such a raw powerful attraction, whenever we were in the same room sparks flew all over the place. Kind of like an addiction as someone pointed out. When I think of B I feel an overwhelming sense of tranquility and warmth. I always smile when I think of him. There is no comparison really. Sadly feelings are not easy to control. Having said that Dr Phsych is absolutely right (Actually all of you are) I very much emphatically do not want to date him because he is available. I hope this is not what is happening here. I never would consider him if I wasn't beginning to feel things for him... As for secrets. I guess A could put a spanner in the works here, couldn't he???? (wouldn't put it past hime either)
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A
female
reader, DrPsych +, writes (18 October 2010):
 Don't date A or B. Man A sounds like he always puts his own needs first. Man B sounds lovely! Don't just date him because he happens to be there massaging your ego at a vulnerable time. I think you should probably tell him you have had a 'thing' with A in the past and that you just want some time to yourself. Don't tell him that you loved A, just admit to the 'thing'. If it is going to happen with B then it just will. If A finds out that you are dating B then he may feel the need to confess (out of jealousy, bitterness etc). A secret is only powerful when no-one knows. If B knows and he doesn't mind then you can date him in the future. I am not suggesting you leave it years! Just give yourself a little time to sort yourself out and then if you still think B is a prospect then date him. I think B deserves to get you at your best.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (18 October 2010):
 I'd go for a date with B. A is not in love with you, maybe in lust..
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (18 October 2010):
I think you should give B a chance! He sounds nice and knows what he wants. The passion you felt with A can be addictive but also very dangerous emotionally. Look at the mess he's caused for someone else let alone you. Go with B. I wouldn't say anything about what happened with A unless he specifically asks. He probably doesn't want to know. If they aren't friends anymore, then that's all the better. They weren't that good of friends if the prospect of you came between them. Good luck.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (18 October 2010):
 Ok this is a very tricky situation as am sure you already know. As for A it sounds like he did really like you but guilt took over him and he started pushing you away as he wanted to hide his feelings so that it wasnt to hurt his friend. However B has always liked you aswell and in most cases to you this would be flattering but i know how it feels to be torn between two guys.
My advice would be not to go on a date with B if you still have feelings for A as this will just spell disaster. A might come around in a while and tell you he still likes you and then you would be left stuck in the middle of these 2 men. You need to be honest with yourself and ask yourself if the opertunity to be with A ever came up would you honestly be able to turn it down?
Right now it think it would be for the best if you were honest with B and tell him you still have feelings for A and you dont want to end up in a tricky situation. At least then if he still insists he wants to go on a date with you and you agree then he knows the full truth and what he is letting himself in for.
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