A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiI need advice as i have no one to confide inMy husband had a year an a half affair with a workmate 5 years ago. We did not have sex very often because of me, i was suffering depression after my children and i think he felt regected and very sad about this.He would be out late all the time but i trusted him completly and never suspected.Until i found a txt message which i still thought there would be a justifyable reason for it but he confessed. I felt stabed in the heart he finished it by text to her and we worked on our marrage .it took about 2 years for me to feel i trusted him again. I thought we were soild, best friends , lovers again .Then i found more txts from both of them , meeting in the morning when i was at work very sexual content 3 years on. He said it was over and they were old texts but he was sometimes txting her after this split when drunk. The worst one i cant get out of my head was 'im still comming but not as exciting as u'I am now another 2 years on from this but cant stop crying about it.I thought we were best friends, and so close she could not harm our family again.Will i ever feel better, can i trust him?He does appear to be trying hard.But i just am at a loss.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (15 October 2010):
 What are you doing to help yourself get better?
I ask because it sounds to me like you're just trying to handle this on your own. That's incredibly lonely and nearly impossible to do. What you two really need is some marriage counceling. Without some therapy you can pretty much guarantee that things won't get better for you.
Trust takes time and effort to rebuild. Hopefully having open and honest discussions will help rebuild a foundation of trust in your relationship. I suggest therapy because it is a neutral environment where you can both express yourselves openly. It's as much about self discovery as it is about learning about your partner. I hope you can find happiness again.
A
male
reader, TimmD +, writes (15 October 2010):
 Well, the problem is HE hasn't actually told you anything. You had to confront him about it. If you never actually found those texts, would he still be cheating?
In these types of situations, YOU are the best judge here. What does your heart or "gut" tell you? Do you think you can trust him? My guess is that you don't trust him and you feel guilty about that. He may be trying, but that doesn't mean you should have complete trust in him.
Yes, you may have neglected him during your rough time... but don't look at that as giving him justification to cheat. There is no excuse for what he did. If he was unhappy or not getting what he wanted from your marriage he should have talked to you. He should try to work it out. Cheating is not the answer. Now, if he truly is sorry and wants to make things better he should understand that he needs to EARN your trust back. He can't just expect you to give it to him easily.
So to answer your question, no... you don't need to trust him now. You have every reason to doubt him. And a man who is truly sorry about the mistakes he made wouldn't be mad at you not trusting him... he would understand it. The best thing for a relationship is open communication. You should feel comfortable enough to talk to him, tell him your concerns, and let him know you are still having trouble trusting him. Again, if he's trying to make things right then he will understand. If he gets mad at you, then there is a problem. At that point you two may need to seek a marriage counselor.
Good luck, hope it works out.
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