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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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I like my best friends ex girlfirend.
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My boyfriend would rather masturbate then have sex with me!
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Should I tell her I told her so, or just be supportive?
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Do guys enjoy intercourse if a vagina is too wide?
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A. 24 November 2010: Holy crap anon! 10 pounds 2 ounces! OUCH! Good on ya. Stuff like this never fails to impress me. Wow. ... (read in full...)
Girlfriend doesn't like kissing after oral sex
Q. Hello dear readers: ok i have a sex issue, i'm with my gf 1year and 4 months....and every time in bed i want to make some kunilingus and make her happy she doesn't want it she told me that every time i do it well she likes it but then we kiss and ...
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Did he really set this trap for me?
Q. Was it wrong of me to read my boyfriend emails. this is what happen my gut told me something was wrong with our 2.5 year relationship. I asked him and he said nothing and I was overreacting. I let it go for 4 days and knowing his passwords (which he ...
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I'd venture that you actually... (read in full...)
Should I tell him I love him or wait for him to say it first?
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Do guys enjoy intercourse if a vagina is too wide?
Q. I am not sure if I should have intercourse with my boyfriend because I think my vagina is too wide. I had 4 kids, one was a c-section and 3 vaginal. I'm worried that is too wide for him, not sure because we haven't had intercourse yet. Maybe ...
A. 24 November 2010: The nice part about a vagina is that it's adjustable. I seriously doubt it's too wide. If you're concened about it there are exercises you can use to strengthen the muscles around your vagina so you can control the tightness.... (read in full...)
Is it normal for me to be in such pain after my first time?
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Q. Hey I'm a 17 year old boy from Australia and I have a problem. It's pretty strange I guess I see teenage girls walking down the street in mini skirts and their bodies hanging out which is their choice I guess but thats not the problem. I see...
A. 24 November 2010: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Wait till you're older.
Ok, old guys check out young girls for the same reason young guys do. Especially when they are showing off the goods. Something funny you may not realize is that some of those guys are probably dis... (read in full...)
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Q. how long should a girl wait for a guy to call her before she loses hope in him. I told a guy to csall me abut 3 days ago, hes really shy and will IM me but not call yet....so when shud i wait til until i kno hes just nt htat interested.?...
A. 24 November 2010: True, true, but you are tortured by his lack of communication.
It's up to you what you do, just don't expect him to change.... (read in full...)
Girlfriend doesn't like kissing after oral sex
Q. Hello dear readers: ok i have a sex issue, i'm with my gf 1year and 4 months....and every time in bed i want to make some kunilingus and make her happy she doesn't want it she told me that every time i do it well she likes it but then we kiss and ...
A. 24 November 2010: To answer your follow up. I've found that girls will often get more conservative the more into the relationship they are. It could be that she wants you to see her in a different light, or maybe she's concerned that you are only excited by ... (read in full...)
He's shy and won't call me.
Q. how long should a girl wait for a guy to call her before she loses hope in him. I told a guy to csall me abut 3 days ago, hes really shy and will IM me but not call yet....so when shud i wait til until i kno hes just nt htat interested.?...
A. 24 November 2010: Then don't bother. Why get attached to someone you can never see and who is a poor communicator?... (read in full...)
Should I tell her I told her so, or just be supportive?
Q. my best friend has recently split up from her boyfriend. they started off as close friends then their relationship developed. to start with, i really didnt like him and i told her this. she was fine with it and was pleased that i had told her. i ...
A. 24 November 2010: You should just be supportive of her. You're not living her life, and while you may feel you know what's best for her, you don't. You may feel like you'd appreciate such input in your relationships but I guarantee you that you won't when you're in ... (read in full...)
What kind of dirty talk do guys like during sex?
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A. 24 November 2010: I hear you anon. I remember having "by the way, I swallow" whispered in my ear just before she went down... I could barely contain my excitement. Until she started. I think she was trying to suck my testicles through my penis. God that hurt. I ... (read in full...)
Girlfriend doesn't like kissing after oral sex
Q. Hello dear readers: ok i have a sex issue, i'm with my gf 1year and 4 months....and every time in bed i want to make some kunilingus and make her happy she doesn't want it she told me that every time i do it well she likes it but then we kiss and ...
A. 24 November 2010: The thought of our own sex juices on the lips of our partners can be a major turn off for some people. I had a GF who was similar. She wouldn't kiss me after I went down on her. It's not a big deal. I would usually make a quick run to the ... (read in full...)
How do I give a great blow job?
Q. Hey guys listen up! i wanna know how to give an amazing blow job. i don't know why but i feel like my boyfriend really misses them and i want to give him cause i haven't gone down on him in like 6 months and im afraid i might be a little rusty. so ...
A. 24 November 2010: Hmm, 6 months! I guarantee he misses them!
Every guy is different, but as long as you don't hurt him, he will likely enjoy it on some level.
Some tips. Lots of tongue. You can do so much with your tongue. Licking, swirling, flicki... (read in full...)
Tips on how to make my GF feel relaxes when she is with me?
Q. I'm 14 year old, my girlfriend is sometimes nervous when we go out. How to make her feel much more relaxed when she's with me, not stressed out all the time. ...
A. 24 November 2010: Just be nice, friendly and don't push her to do anything she's uncomfortable with. She'll relax with time. ... (read in full...)
I gave him a bad X-mas gift last year and I don't want to do it again can someone please help?
Q. hey im 14 and my boyfriend is 15 his birthday is 8/20 and we met on 8/23/10 we talked for like 10 minutes then he left then on 8/24/10 my friend hooked us up then 9/24/10 at school he gives me a teddy bear that smelled just like him and all i got ...
A. 24 November 2010: There are these things, they are called punctuation. They serve to separate words into sentences. The type of punctuation you use can turn a statement into a question. I would suggest learning how to use them.
As for gift ideas, we have not... (read in full...)
My girlfriend said I'm a 3 or a 4 in bed!
Q. I've been going out with my girlfriend for about year. We get along well, and she's made it clear she wants to get married to me. But, she recently made the comment that I am a "3 or a 4" in bed. The way she said it, it was quite clear to me some...
A. 24 November 2010: Books won't help. Only she can tell you how to properly please her. I'd suggest as you're trying different things, ask her if she likes it. Talk to her about what you're feeling because of what she said. Tell her you want to improve but you need ... (read in full...)
We substituted lotion for lube during anal sex!
Q. Me and my boyfriend wanted to try anal for once and we had no lube and i heard if you didn't use lube you can rip and get infections and just nasty things come from not using lube,but we had none on hand so we used lotion is this harmful? the lotion ...
A. 24 November 2010: Bad bad bad idea! Don't do it again. Lotions are made for external use only. Read the warning. It could cause infection or even poison you depending on the lotion.
3 times in one day can be enough. Go to the store and get yourself some pro... (read in full...)
Intruding mother
Q. I had been dating this guy for around 5 months when he joined the military. And thats when my mother began almost hating him , if i asked to go spend time with him she got snooty and an attitude. She would say things like its okay if you die you ...
A. 24 November 2010: She's made up her mind, and honestly, I can kind of understand why. You're still young, and in order for him to be a military man, he's got to be at least 18. That makes any sexual relationship with him illegal for you. Sadly, she doesn't realize ... (read in full...)
I like my best friends ex girlfirend.
Q. ok so I like y best friend's ex-girlfriend. I'll explain how it happened: ok so my bestfriend and I used to live in the same town and one time my friend told me he was dating a girl from a nearby town that he met in a church convention. I ne...
A. 24 November 2010: Well, since you're being honest with everyone then follow your heart. Really, the reason her and your friend broke up doesn't matter. They had their chance and it didn't work. It probably wouldn't work if they tried it again either.
If yo... (read in full...)
What are the signs of being strung along and why?
Q. What are the signs that someone is stringing you along and why do they do it?...
A. 24 November 2010: It can be hard to tell. I can't say any certain signs, but usually it's done because they are looking for something better but don't want to be alone in the mean time. Basically, you're good enough for now but they will drop you if someone they ... (read in full...)
He told me he doesn't enjoy receiving oral sex from me!!
Q. I am seeing my current boyfriend for just over 1 year . he has recently told me that he doesn't enjoy receiving oral sex from me as I am not very good at it in fact I am quite bad at it and it doesn't do any thing for him . Now I enjoy oral sex as ...
A. 24 November 2010: He doesn't sound very compassionate to me. True story, the most experienced girl I've ever been with (30+ guys on her list at that time) gave me the worst head I've ever received. EVER. Experience doesn't always equal quality.
Really, a good g... (read in full...)
My Mother in law is making my life miserable!
Q. I dont know English much. I am trying to write my problems. Please anyone tell some suggestions for me. My husband, sister-in-law and my mother-in-law have european nationality and passport. My husband and my sister-in-law have UK PR aswell. From I ...
A. 24 November 2010: Thank you for doing your best despite English being a second language! You actually write better than a lot of the people who speak English as their only language.
You need to talk to your husband about this. This will not change unless he makes... (read in full...)
How can I stay wet during sex?
Q. hi, i wanna know if there is anything i can do about getting more wet during sex? me and my boyfriend can do it up to 3 times a day and sometimes after that he still might want to go a fourth time. he can get me in the mood but i can never stay w...
A. 24 November 2010: That much sex and your body is bound to not keep up after a while. That's why they make lube. Get yourself some good water based lube (like KY jelly) for when you get dry but are still in the mood. There's nothing wrong with you. I don't know ... (read in full...)
Is he serious in wanting me back?
Q. My boyfriend and I broke up but after 3days he called me up and wants to see me so we can talk things out--and save the relationship.. he even suggested that we both should write what we dont like about each other so we can discuss things and make ...
A. 24 November 2010: Listen, if you want to be together with him you'll have to learn to trust him. If you don't think you can do that then leave. Checking his emails is invasive and shows no trust.
WALK AWAY. You didn't work anything out. He may have a thing fo... (read in full...)
What kind of dirty talk do guys like during sex?
Q. So this is gonna sound kind of dumb, buttt when you're talking dirty during a blow job or sex or whatever, what exactly do guys like to hear?...
A. 24 November 2010: It depends on the guy, but I always like hearing about how big I am, or how much you love it (lies, I know but it's still nice to hear). I like it when a girl tells me what she wants me to do to her.
It all depends on your comfort level and what... (read in full...)
Unrequited love, and I need to end contact with her
Q. Alright well I am now pretty sure that I want to end all contact with the girl I am in love with. I have very strong feelings towards her I love listening to her being around her and thinking about her but unfortunately for me she doesn't feel the ...
A. 24 November 2010: Good choice, and good luck!... (read in full...)
Wait to get back together with ex or try a new path?
Q. hi I want to get back with my ex, my ex wants to get back with me after i have made clear changes in my life, she has made effort to try and fix some problems with herself. There are a few things in the way, everyone is telling me she is no...
A. 24 November 2010: No. She's an ex for a reason and those changes you wanted aren't going to happen. She has to really want to change for herself. She's maybe making an attempt at change for you. This change will be temporary at best and you'll just end up broken ... (read in full...)
How to stop the tension between my teacher and me?
Q. Okay,so this is a bit weird.Here it goes. I have this teacher,and umm..things are very complicated between him and me. There is just A LOT of tension between us. And I want to stop it. I don't like him.I don't think he likes me either. It's ju...
A. 24 November 2010: Is this dance instructor part of your school, or is this an independent business?
If it's independent, then you're an adult and if he's not married why not cross that line. Sometimes that sexual tension can only be broken by getting physical... (read in full...)
I cheated on my first love and I am so scared that I will lose him! What should I do?
Q. i have been with my boyfriend for 1 year and 8 months. from the begginning i really liked him and and we started seeing eachother every weekend. one weekend got really intimate and had sex with him. after a while i saw that he layed back about ...
A. 24 November 2010: I think if you really loved him you wouldn't have cheated on him. You also wouldn't be saying that this other guy was everything you wanted in a man. If that's how you're still feeling it's your guilt that's keeping you with your BF, not love.
... (read in full...)
She has a boyfriend and I don't want to come between them...but I love her. What should I do?
Q. Hi i have a situation, i've had feelings for this girl for 10 years (yea i knw its a lot), (we went to the same school thu :( ) but i haven't told her about my feelings yet, anyways i have been getting close to her lately but she acts to be ...
A. 24 November 2010: Can I buy a vowel? Seriously, this isn't a text message. Try typing whole words.
Step one. Walk away. It sucks because she didn't reject you because of you which gives you hope that there is a chance if they break up. So, you walk away and... (read in full...)
What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas!
Q. My boyfriend is going to Las Vegas this upcoming Thanksgiving weekend. He has only gone on a few trips without me,but NEVER to a place like Las Vegas." Whatever happens in Vegas,stays in Vegas." I am horrified of this quote. He is going with his ...
A. 24 November 2010: My friend who just got back from Vegas would say that it only stays there until you come home in a wheel chair. Yeah, she tore her ACL dancing at Coyote Ugly...
The others are right, this is your insecurity and really nothing you should b... (read in full...)
Unrequited love, and I need to end contact with her
Q. Alright well I am now pretty sure that I want to end all contact with the girl I am in love with. I have very strong feelings towards her I love listening to her being around her and thinking about her but unfortunately for me she doesn't feel the ...
A. 24 November 2010: Yup, cutting contact is definitely the way to go. It will be difficult, but you just ignore her. If you see her, be friendly, but stop any extraneous contact. No more texting, emails, IM's, none of it. Focus your mind elsewhere. She may realize ... (read in full...)
Is he serious in wanting me back?
Q. My boyfriend and I broke up but after 3days he called me up and wants to see me so we can talk things out--and save the relationship.. he even suggested that we both should write what we dont like about each other so we can discuss things and make ...
A. 24 November 2010: You are indeed reading too much into things. With guys we're really pretty simple. Typically we mean what we say and act appropriately. Don't read into little things like that. If he doesn't text one day that doesn't mean his feelings have ... (read in full...)
He's shy and won't call me.
Q. how long should a girl wait for a guy to call her before she loses hope in him. I told a guy to csall me abut 3 days ago, hes really shy and will IM me but not call yet....so when shud i wait til until i kno hes just nt htat interested.?...
A. 22 November 2010: 3-5 days is the general "rule." That's for any contact. Has he tried to IM with you since this "call me" conversation? Why can't you call him? Are you trying to test his interest? If he's overly shy, that may backfire.... (read in full...)
Is he serious in wanting me back?
Q. My boyfriend and I broke up but after 3days he called me up and wants to see me so we can talk things out--and save the relationship.. he even suggested that we both should write what we dont like about each other so we can discuss things and make ...
A. 19 November 2010: Sorry I missed your follow up. I hope your conversation goes well today. If I had known the info you provided in the follow up I would have told you to cancel your meeting for today and walk away from this relationship for good.
Make up/break... (read in full...)
Is he serious in wanting me back?
Q. My boyfriend and I broke up but after 3days he called me up and wants to see me so we can talk things out--and save the relationship.. he even suggested that we both should write what we dont like about each other so we can discuss things and make ...
A. 18 November 2010: Yes. Save any conversation you're thinking about until Friday. It's good that he hasn't contacted you much for right now. Think about what you want out of your relationship and be prepared to discuss it on Friday.
I wouldn't jump to so many con... (read in full...)
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