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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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For those unaware, the shocker is where you finger both the vagina and anus at the same time.
... (read in full...)
Should I be moving on, or should I continue chasing her?
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A. 30 November 2010: Get used to it kid, women are crazy.
What I don't get is why you can't walk with her on this new route home she takes? Is it that far out of your way?
I think you should just tell her how you feel and see what happens. Then you'll know if t... (read in full...)
I couldn't have got pregnant from this, right?
Q. I'm really worried... Last night, my boyfriend and I were messing around. While he was fingering me, I touched his penis... but as far as i can remember, I didn't felt anything wet on his package. after touching his penis, i touched his body and his ...
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I'm 16 and in love with my 26 year old teacher!
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What do I get my 38yr old boyfriend for Christmas?
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What is with his kisses?
Q. hi my boyfriend and i have been together for 2years and everytime we kiss he always just pek kisses me why is that?...
A. 30 November 2010: Wait, you're asking the clothing? A "hem" is the process by which clothing is finished. A cut end is folded and sewn into place so it does not fray.
If that's the problem, maybe you should take a sewing class.
Maybe you should try talki... (read in full...)
Who does he like more, me or his girlfriend?
Q. Hey umm I really like this guy... But he has a girlfriend, But everytime he is with me he cheats on his girfriend with me, He flirts with me, He kisses me I think he likes me... I can see the way he looks at me, I dont know who he likes more Me ...
A. 30 November 2010: Why do you care? Why do you want to be with an ass hole who will cheat on his girlfriend?
If he's cheating on her with you, he'll cheat on you too. Do yourself a favor. Don't get involved with guys who are taken. It's a very bad habit to... (read in full...)
I'm only interested in being with her!
Q. i've read some stuff on here and i kind of relate to it. I have a girlfriend and we have been dating for 9 months now and everything is great and i love her to death. I know she's the one and we never fight. but when i'm not with her or she doesnt ...
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Where do I go from here?
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A. 30 November 2010: I love how people who "hate drama" have a nack for creating it! Nothing against you OP, but that cracked me up.
Hmmm, what to do, what to do... Choose who you want and go with that. Here's the thing. You've just ruined a bunch of relation... (read in full...)
What's your take on this?
Q. My common law spouse works for an organization which he was a manager and is now working in another department which is up there in the ranking. One day I went on the computer and he had left his yahoo open. He was receiving work e-mail through his ...
A. 30 November 2010: I'm not in a relationship, but some of my friends will call me pet names in a joking fashion. Many women sign xoxo at the end of emails as well. I don't think any of the ones I get actually want to hug and kiss me, that's just the way they ... (read in full...)
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A. 30 November 2010: Hey man, it happens. I'm the same age and still haven't met someone. Been single a little over a year now too. I decided to try online dating. It went slowly at first, but lately I'm getting more dates. It's a bit of a craps shoot, but I'm ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend has been slowly distancing herself from me, what should I do now?
Q. Im getting conflicting messages from my girlfriend. We have been together for 4 years and for past 3 she has slowly, bit by bit, distanced herself from me. She tells me she loves me, but only when I ask. However her body language tells me somet...
A. 30 November 2010: Step one should be to discuss with her what you're feeling. To me it sounds like she's not happy. It could be something you're doing, or it could be all her. It's hard to say, but if the change has been gradual, then I wonder why you haven't ... (read in full...)
I eat less than my boyfriend and exercise more, so why am I the one gaining weight?
Q. I eat less (including less unhealthy stuff) and exercise more than my boyfriend, but I am getting fat and he isn't at all! Why? It's making me insecure!! ...
A. 30 November 2010: It's possible you're not eating enough and your body is hoarding calories. This happens with starvation. Most likely though he's just blessed with a naturally higher metabolism. People like that irritate me because I'm the opposite. I just look ... (read in full...)
Has anyone got any good pickup lines?
Q. there is a girl who i have a crush on but i dont know what to say to her when i ask her out, any good pickup lines?...
A. 30 November 2010: "Excuse me, you dropped something... My jaw."
"What winks and fucks like a tiger? *wink*"
"May I ride your magic carpet?"
"That outfit would look great on my bedroom floor."
Becon her over using your finger. When she comes over whi... (read in full...)
What is with his kisses?
Q. hi my boyfriend and i have been together for 2years and everytime we kiss he always just pek kisses me why is that?...
A. 30 November 2010: Maybe he doesn't like kissing. Maybe he has bad breath. Maybe you've got bad breath. Maybe he's insecure about how he kisses.
Have you asked him? That's the only way you'll find out his reason.... (read in full...)
How should I ask this girl out? Respond quickly!
Q. I need help fast. I'm planning on asking this girl out this afternoon. She works at a restaurant deli where you pay at the counter, and she is usually the one taking the money. She's absolutely amazing and I'm praying to any God I can that she'll ...
A. 30 November 2010: Having worked in a sandwich/coffee shop for a few years, the girls working (all college girls) got hit on all the time. Unless she's into you, you've got very little chance. She's in work mode.
The best approach I saw was when a guy would ca... (read in full...)
Did I do something, or was it her who changed?
Q. I need some serious help! My gf of 3 years broke up about 4 months ago. The problem is that I just can't get over on how she treated me in our relationship. The first 2 years were fine, but the last year that we moved in together was com...
A. 30 November 2010: You're welcome. Maybe they are, maybe it's for show. I personally believe that lots of public displays are a sign of trouble, maybe trouble to come. Solid relationships don't need such things. Then again, that's just my take on it. Best of ... (read in full...)
Did I do something, or was it her who changed?
Q. I need some serious help! My gf of 3 years broke up about 4 months ago. The problem is that I just can't get over on how she treated me in our relationship. The first 2 years were fine, but the last year that we moved in together was com...
A. 30 November 2010: There is always a possibility that you had some influence on her behavior but mostly her issues were hers alone. It's best not to dwell on this but learn from it instead. What would have helped you know where you stood? Better communication? ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend told me she wants me to take her virginity! I'm scared to hurt her!!!
Q. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just about 7 months. A couple of days ago she said that she wanted to have sex and i told to give me a day or two because its a big responsibilty if we do it. The problem is that she's a virgin and anemic. ...
A. 30 November 2010: You're welcome. Remember, communication with your partner is very important in a relationship. It sounds like you two are on the right track. I'm very glad your discussion went well. Best wishes.... (read in full...)
Is his request for a threesome a fantasy, or something else?
Q. I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 years, he is a great guy and we have a committed relationship. However he brought up the subject of a threesome recently and it has got me worried. I would be open to the idea of fooling around with her for him, but ...
A. 30 November 2010: I'm glad you spoke about it. Things like this should be discussed openly. Your feelings are valid just as his should be. Boundries need to be discussed in relationships.
Remember, keep those channels of communication open!
Thank you for... (read in full...)
Did I do something, or was it her who changed?
Q. I need some serious help! My gf of 3 years broke up about 4 months ago. The problem is that I just can't get over on how she treated me in our relationship. The first 2 years were fine, but the last year that we moved in together was com...
A. 29 November 2010: Good poing Trac675, such accusals out of no where are often because of the accusing party's own guilt. They transfer it onto their partner. "I'm cheating so they must be too and I've got to find it!" She probably was cheating on you and that's ... (read in full...)
Should I tell my boyfriend I'm not a virgin?
Q. me and my boyfriend have been together just over a month. he's told me he loves me but it seems like whenever we're together all we're doing is making out and every time it goes a little bit futher. i'm kind of apprehensive to let him get too far ...
A. 29 November 2010: I wouldn't tell him just yet. If you're not thinking of sleeping with him, then keep it to yourself. Definitely don't do anything you're not comfortable with. Speak up if he takes things too far.
Before you have sex, discuss things with him... (read in full...)
How should I tell my parents about my boyfriend?
Q. So I've been dating this guy for about 4 going on 5 years now and we've been good friends before we even started dating but I've never told my parents. Most of our relationship has been long distance and my parents have never met him before (he ...
A. 29 November 2010: I'd just introduce him as your boyfriend. No need to discuss the tenure of your relationship with them right away. Maybe say you met online. It doesn't really matter and they don't really need to know.... (read in full...)
I'm scared that my boyfriend is cheating on me!
Q. I love my boyfriend so much, that i would do almost anything for him. I love him and i tell him that i love him every night. He says he loves me too but i am convinced he is cheating. Well it started like this... I went on our shared laptop an...
A. 29 November 2010: Yup, definitely a cheater. Time to walk away from this looser.... (read in full...)
Role play gone horribly wrong!
Q. Please help me. I just kicked my boyfriend out of the house (he didnt live here) because he played a joke on me that went too far. He told me that he was going to war out of the blue. That they needed him and he couldn't tell me when or where he ...
A. 29 November 2010: I don't think you got upset for no reason, but I do think you're overreacting a bit. If you had discussed role playing in the past then his story sounds legit. He just picked a really bad role play. Let him know that next time he should give you ... (read in full...)
Is his request for a threesome a fantasy, or something else?
Q. I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 years, he is a great guy and we have a committed relationship. However he brought up the subject of a threesome recently and it has got me worried. I would be open to the idea of fooling around with her for him, but ...
A. 29 November 2010: It's not insecure or jealous to not want your partner to have sex with other people, whether you're involved or not. You feel what you feel.
If it helps, I thought having a threesome would be an awesome experience until I had one. Sure, it was f... (read in full...)
My girlfriend told me she wants me to take her virginity! I'm scared to hurt her!!!
Q. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just about 7 months. A couple of days ago she said that she wanted to have sex and i told to give me a day or two because its a big responsibilty if we do it. The problem is that she's a virgin and anemic. ...
A. 29 November 2010: Glad to help and I'm looking forward to the update.... (read in full...)
I'm feeling very uneasy about this "friend" wanting to stay with my boyfriend!
Q. My boyfriend and I are both Actors and a few months ago he went away for 11 days to film. Whilst he was there he made a few friends but got very close with this one girl because of various divisions in the group. I first got the impression they were ...
A. 29 November 2010: Try telling him that it's not him that you don't trust but her. Tell him that as a woman you know what motivates women better than he does and that's why you're feeling uneasy. What may be innocent on his part may not be on hers, then again it may ... (read in full...)
I tricked my boyfriend into meeting up by pretending to be someone else
Q. Found bf of 2 yrs on ashley madison which he then deleted Later found him onb aff and I set up fake I'd and messaged him He finally responded and we shared some detail emails basicallt About sex. After an invitation to meet and very detail of ...
A. 29 November 2010: He didn't know shit. You caught him. Find someone who you're not having to play games like this with. If he hasn't already, it's only a matter of time till he cheats. He's going to the website for cheaters to hook up after all. Flush his ass ... (read in full...)
Did I do something, or was it her who changed?
Q. I need some serious help! My gf of 3 years broke up about 4 months ago. The problem is that I just can't get over on how she treated me in our relationship. The first 2 years were fine, but the last year that we moved in together was com...
A. 29 November 2010: Those issues were hers and hers alone. Be glad she's out of your life. Most likely she'll flip out like this on her current boyfriend too. It's just a matter of time.
We actually have less influence on our partners thoughts and feelings... (read in full...)
My bf has to masturbate everynight before bed
Q. my bf has to masturbate everynight before bed even after we do it is there something wrong...
A. 29 November 2010: Maybe. It sounds like he may be a compulsive masturbator. Or maybe he is just so ritualized that he can't get to sleep without it.
Do you have a problem with it? It's not necessarilly something wrong, but not necessarilly something not wrong ei... (read in full...)
Am I selfish for thinking "what about me?"
Q. Hi All I'm nearly 22 and I've been with my fiance for nearly 4 years and we have two little girls. We live together and are getting married at the end of next year. Our youngest is only 4 months and I fell pregnant with our eldest at the end of my...
A. 29 November 2010: You're not selfish for thinking about this. It's selfish of him to never spend any time with the kids, or helping around the house. Everyone needs a break sometimes. You're not being ungrateful for wanting a break or wanting to do something for ... (read in full...)
My girlfriend told me she wants me to take her virginity! I'm scared to hurt her!!!
Q. Me and my girlfriend have been dating for just about 7 months. A couple of days ago she said that she wanted to have sex and i told to give me a day or two because its a big responsibilty if we do it. The problem is that she's a virgin and anemic. ...
A. 29 November 2010: Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with. Generally, anemia doesn't cause too many problems for people as long as they take their vitamins and have a proper diet. Losing her virginity will hurt her some, but that's different for everyone ... (read in full...)
Is his request for a threesome a fantasy, or something else?
Q. I have a lovely boyfriend of 2 years, he is a great guy and we have a committed relationship. However he brought up the subject of a threesome recently and it has got me worried. I would be open to the idea of fooling around with her for him, but ...
A. 29 November 2010: He wants to have sex with someone else in the context of a threesome. I know, a shady line, but it is different than outright cheating because you're there and involved. Really, I think it's great that you realize you can't handle it. Threesomes ... (read in full...)
How can we make our first attempt at oral sex go great?
Q. My girlfriend wants to give me oral sex. Neither of us have done anything sexual. So she doesn't know how to, and I don't know how to help her. She said she wasent sure she would do a good job. So I told her I would help her, but I don't know how ...
A. 29 November 2010: There is really no secret, it's mostly trial and error. Before you start, talk things out. Tell her to try whatever she can think of and you'll let her know what feels good.
One thing, don't push her head down. That can make her gag and is s... (read in full...)
Surprise kiss and now he thinks I don't like him!
Q. Hi I was out with my friends in the snow today and my friend that I really like lets call him ''Luke'' tackled me to the the ground and kissed me full on and i was kind of stunned so i didn't kiss back and he got really upset.Now he thinks that i...
A. 29 November 2010: Walk up to him and kiss him. Catch him off guard.
After you kiss him, tell him that he surprised you and that he shouldn't freeze you out because you like him back.
Then again, a boy who likes you, but is unwilling to talk to you is either... (read in full...)
What did he mean by this?
Q. hello cupid. i have a small petty question. i went out with a guy and my friends. (it was not a date) there he paid for my bill leaving behind other friends ( he did not paid for them) but since he does not want i gave him back his money but he told ...
A. 29 November 2010: He was trying to do something nice for you. You giving the money back was indeed a bit of an insult. It's like telling someone you didn't like their gift rather than accepting it graciously even if you didn't like it. He wanted to do something ... (read in full...)
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