A
female
age
30-35,
*lice0110
writes:my best friend has recently split up from her boyfriend. they started off as close friends then their relationship developed. to start with, i really didnt like him and i told her this. she was fine with it and was pleased that i had told her. i said at the end of the day i just wanted her to be happy. and during the months that they were together, i felt like i had been replaced but i started to be able to get on with him and have a joke and actually talk to him. however, they have recently ended things, it was her idea. he was shocked and so were most other people. i knew that he wasnt right for her and it maked me feel so sad to see her upset. how can i tell her that i knew he wasnt right for her whilst still being supportive? should i say that or should i just be there for her? yeah, she wanted to end it, but she truely did love him, she just realises that its not what she wants at this moment in time. i feel like i could have predicted something like this would happen, i know what sort of man is right for her and when someone isnt, i never know if i should say anything. i want to help her to make the right choices but im also her best friend, i have to be there for her during these hard times
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female
reader, alice0110 +, writes (24 November 2010):
alice0110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthanks :)
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Care about her*
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Don't feel in any way guilty. You tried to help, Dirtball gave you the reasons why interfering more could be disastrous and he's right.
You did all you could, you tried to help and when she decided to it anyway you stayed her friend and supported her. Now she's broken up and hurting, you're still there, being her friend and supporting her. That's what great friends do, don't feel guilty, feel proud.
You can't live her life for her as dirtball said but you also have to allow her to take some risks, that's how she'll learn from those mistakes. You can't wrap her up in cotton wool or she won't have any excitement in her life. There's a fine line between protecting someone and smothering them. At the moment you have it right, plus the fact you wish you could have done more means you really care about you. She's lucky to have a friend like you.
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A
female
reader, alice0110 +, writes (24 November 2010):
alice0110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionshe knows that i am always there for her and i really dont want to loose her as a friend, its just hard to watch her going through so much pain
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A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 November 2010):
 As much as you want to help someone avoid pain, all attempting to do it does is drive a wedge between you. It's best to just support her decisions. If you don't agree with something it's ok to voice that but let her know you'll be there for her no matter what. It's usually best to just sit back and let them live their own life as much as you may not like it.
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A
female
reader, alice0110 +, writes (24 November 2010):
alice0110 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioni dont want to just tell her 'i told you so.'
and i dont want to always be right. im there for her and i support everything she does 100%, i just feel like i could have helped her avoid all of this pain and so part of me feels guilty
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 November 2010): Why do you feel the need to be right about this? Is it because you want her to always listen to you or just because you want to be able to say you were right?
Don't worry she did listen to you, she considered what you said and trust me part of what you said stayed in her mind and she eventually realized herself that you were right. But she had to find that out for herself.
There's no need to say it to her, she learned a painful lesson as will you in the future in your relationships. Sometimes we ignore what our friends tell us and even what we tell ourselves because we want something so badly we hope they're wrong.
You can only give her your opinion and let her make her own mistakes, seriously. There more she's sees you're right about guys the more she'll listen but if you make it a "told you so, I'm right you're wrong" kind of thing then she'll be less likely to listen to you.
She needs someone that's going to help her through this not make her worse by telling her "I told you so" which would just make her feel a bit stupid and make her think why didn't I see that, when we know she didn't because she wanted it to work out.
The next time she gets with a guy who is wrong for her that you've told her is, she might think twice, but if you're going to tell her I told you so every time, then she might actually stay with these guys just to prove you wrong. Which is the opposite of what you want.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (24 November 2010):
You should just be supportive of her. You're not living her life, and while you may feel you know what's best for her, you don't. You may feel like you'd appreciate such input in your relationships but I guarantee you that you won't when you're in the situation yourself.
Part of being a good friend is letting them make their own decisions. Supporting them in what they choose. And being there to help pick up the pieces if it fails. Gloating about being right will just make you look insensitive and drive her away from you. Save that conversation until after she's done grieving the relationship or if she decides she wants to get back together with him.
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