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... Send *irtball a private message | | | *irtball's profile:Hello DC. Some of you may be wondering where I were I went. My life has taken a turn that has taken me away from here for the time being. I'm not really answering many questions at this time. If you PM me, I will respond, but it may be delayed a week or two. I had many problems dumped on me of my own, so I don't have much energy for the problems of others. I'll be back, but it just may be a while.
Wow, been away longer than anticipated. To sum it up, life sort of sucks for me at the moment. Not looking for pity, just letting you know why I haven't been around. I still hope things will get better soon, but who knows.
ALERT: If you're sending me a PM in regard to advice I've given you, please reference the thread or specifics so I can be on the same page. Lately I've been receiving lots of PM's with an answer to some question I asked, but since the question was from an Anon poster, I have no idea which answer it was in regard to. I give a lot of advice here, so I'm very sorry if I don't immediately recognize you. The question title or a link would be most appreciated. Thank you!
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Hi, I'm the bad bad charming sweetheart dirtball. Although recently I seem to have picked up the moniker "Dirty Balls" despite making sure to clean them thoroughly each day. Anyway, I love this site. I have a BA in Psychology which is part of the reason I think I like this site so much. I posted anon for quite some time before creating my profile. I took to the brutally honest approach which has gotten me in trouble a few times, but for the most part has gone quite well. I enjoy helping people and at times challenging them when I think it is appropriate.
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I've been getting lots of great feedback on my advice and I appreciate it, even if you didn't like it. With that said, I'd like to add a segment here I'll call (drum roll please)
DIRTBALL'S RULES ABOUT PEOPLE AND DATING (in no particular order)
Men don't befriend women who they are not interested in sexually. What do I mean by this? I mean that men will not actively seek out friends of the opposite sex unless they would like to make the friendship progress further at some point. Plain and simple, that's how we operate. Are there circumstances where they are actually just friends? Yes, those would be times when you are forced together in some way. Examples could be; fellow employees at work, a regular customer at work, shared friend circle. The key to watch for is if he looks to spend time with her alone. That's usually the sign that he has a romantic interest in the relationship.
Long Distance Relationships don't work. Go ahead and tell me your success stories, I don't care. Most of the time it is just way too hard for the parties involved. Too much doubt creeps into the relationship. Plus, can you really call it a relationship if you only get to be together rarely? I think not.
Once broken up, you should stay that way. Make up/break up relationships don't work. Why do you always feel the need to break up? It's because things aren't working. Then you miss each other and get back together, only to have the very thing that drove you apart last time do it again. It is a cycle that doesn't get better. All you're doing is preventing yourself from finding someone who will actually make you happy.
People only change if they really (and I mean REALLY) want to for themselves. Changes for the benefit of others are temporary. True change is very hard to make. It requires diligence, effort, and support.
Communication is the most important part of your relationship. So many times we have people here asking about how they should handle a situation when the solution is simply to talk to your partner about it. We forget how important this is. It affects everything. If you are feeling upset about something, it is best that you discuss it with your partner instead of burying it and letting it brew. Later it will explode when it could have just been a calm discussion if addressed right away. Communicate with your partner. If you never talk, why are you even together?
People can love each other and not be right for a relationship. This kind of goes back to the make up/break up rule from earlier but it extends to present partners or exes as well. When someone is part of your life, especially for long periods of time, it is natural that part of the love you carry for them will always be there. Just because you love someone though, that doesn't mean you should be together. That's the case with most of my ex GF's as I'm sure it is with many other people. Sometimes you need to consider if love is making you do foolish things.
You should set ground rules in your relationships. Let your partner know about deal breakers. Deal breakers being defined as things they would do that would cause you to end the relationship. It is good to get these out of the way when you are getting serious. That way, you can refer back to them if your partner does something against said ground rules. An example that I tell all my girlfriends (including friends who I'm not romantically involved with) is that I will never answer the question "Am I fat" or any variation of it (does this make me look fat, does my butt look big, etc). I explain why too. It's a trap question. Answer yes, and that's obvious. Answer no, and "you're just saying that." So I won't entertain that question. I know, silly, but this works for the bigger picture too. Figure out what's important enough to you that you'd be willing to end a relationship. Tell your partner what these things are. If they want to be with you, they should know.
When one person in a relationship has a problem, it's a problem for the relationship. You're not alone in your relationship, and dismissing your partner's problem doesn't solve anything. It makes them feel devalued and unimportant. Why don't you care enough to address something they think is a problem? It's because you know it's a problem but want to hide. Don't hide from it. If you do, it won't go away.
When a relationship ends, you need to give yourself proper time to grieve it. Like dealing with death, you go through the same stages. Denial, anger, depression, bargaining, and finally acceptance. This is part of the problem with rebound relationships. Take the time you need. Don't be afraid to wait.
Let the past be the past. It's over, it's done, and there is nothing that can be done to change it. There is no use dwelling on it because there is nothing that can be done about it. Don't worry about things that cannot be changed. You can't drive a car by only looking in the rear view mirror.
I'm sure there will be more to come, but these are the few I've seen myself repeat a lot in my rather short time here.
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This is, hands down, the best conversation I've seen about porn yet on this site: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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Dirtball Rants:
1) What the hell happened to punctuation and grammar? I blame text messaging for the trash I see people write. It's not the content but the way it's expressed that makes me wonder what's happening to society. I realize that we're a multinational forum here, and I give a complete pass to someone who is doing their best despite the fact that English isn't their first language. But the crap I see from Americans, the British, Canadians, and Australians often makes me sick. If any of you read this, your posts would be much easier to read if you used paragraphs, sentences with punctuation, and whole words instead of abreviations like U, cuz, or wut! Quit being so fucking lazy if you want help.
2) There is a difference between the words your and you're. "Your" denotes ownership. "You're" is the contraction of "you are." Saying something like "your lame" is wrong wrong wrong! The same goes for there, their, and they're. "There" is used for things like places (look over there). "Their" denotes ownership (they wanted their cookies back). "They're" is the contraction of "they are." An example, "they're going to the service station over there to pick up their car which was just repaired." I bet that just blew your mind.
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Abreviations.
I use a lot of abreviations when I type advice so I'm going to start a list of the most common ones I see for use as a reference tool.
OP - Original Poster, the person asking for advice.
BF - Boyfriend
GF - Girlfriend
SO - Significant Other, your BF, GF, Fiance, or spouse in other words.
BTW - By the way
FWIW - For what it's worth
TBH - To be honest
IDC - I Don't Care
IDK - I Don't Know
IMHO - In My Humble Opinion
IMO - In My Opinion
IOW - In Other Words
THO - Titty Hard On (erect nipples) |
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He tells me that masturbating to porn everyday before work is normal?
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I think that if the rest of the relation... (read in full...)
All he does is play xbox and never spends any time with me!
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It's fine in a dark theatre, but he won't hold my hand in public??
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Does what he said sound genuine to you??
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The men I fancy tend to be straight and very rarely gay - why?
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A. 20 December 2010: It tells me you're probably into the macho man type. Being into men in a wide age range doesn't really matter too much as long as you're careful. You like what you like.
On a side note, have you ever considered that you like straight guys bec... (read in full...)
He tells me that masturbating to porn everyday before work is normal?
Q. My boyfriend has to watch porn and masturbate everyday before work, even if I'm home he'll do it in the bathroom, he says it has nothing to do with sex, Is this normal, I mean It makes me feel like I'm not enough for him! He don't see a problem...
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I'm just one of the girls to him, suggestions needed to change that please??
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It may be as you t... (read in full...)
Does what he said sound genuine to you??
Q. I found out that my ex-boyfriend (mid 30s) was in contact with a Japanese lady (at least 30yo) he hooked up with on a business trip before we became official. He met her on the internet before his trip because he wanted someone to show him around in ...
A. 20 December 2010: You get what you want, and it's still not enough. Why does it matter? You're not together anymore.
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I am in good shape,but can't get her attention, what can I do?
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..Should I just forget about my superstar love??
Q. Hey, I'm just another average girl, with just another average life. But my problem is that I'm unconditionally and completely in love with this guy, which is kinda normal. But what's not normal is that now he's a super star and if I named him ...
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On a positive note, I've seen many interviews with celebrities who are married. Many of ... (read in full...)
I worry about disappointing people, what should I do?
Q. A month or so ago, I got drunk at this party and this guy came onto me and kept on kissing me and made flattering comments which I appreciated at the time and was attracted to his intelligence and the interesting conversations we had. He eventually ...
A. 20 December 2010: So, you're an adult. You're not in any official relationship. And you're worried about having done something wrong?
I guess I'm confused. You haven't done anything wrong. You flirted with a couple of guys, it's not like you took them home and... (read in full...)
Are his gifts guilt free? Or is there a cheating price attached?
Q. is this a sign of cheating? i know its almost christmas. but there for awhile our relationship got weird. we wasnt seeing eachother and we was fighting. we wasnt seeing each other cause my bf has work. and i am pregnant and we was fighting ...
A. 20 December 2010: Where do you get that he's cheating? I think he's a kid in over his head just like you are. You're underage and pregnant. His gifts were to make you hopefully feel better. Just because your family scares him doesn't mean he's cheating, it means ... (read in full...)
Understanding Teenagers.
Q. We often see a lot of questions on Dear Cupid from parents trying to communicate or to make sense of their teenage children. I answered a question for a mother the other day, and was told that I should adapt it into an article (original thread ...
A. 20 December 2010: Aside from the things you mentioned in your excellent article CaringGuy, I'd also like to warn against the other extreme. That would be trying to be your child's friend.
Your child has friends of their own. Your job is to be a parent, not thei... (read in full...)
Do I tell the truth in this 'truth' game?
Q. I recently moved to a new school, where I know no one. So my new friends have been playing a truth game with me to help me get to know each other. Last time they asked me who my first kiss was. I'm afraid to tell them, because my first kiss was a...
A. 19 December 2010: Sure, you could always blame it on a game of truth or dare or something like that. Things like this usually only become a big deal if you make it one. By making it a big secret, you've piqued their curiousity. This won't go away now until you ... (read in full...)
Does my guy friend like me romantically, sexually, or is he just joking around?
Q. A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw ...
A. 19 December 2010: "so you think that he's interested in hooking up with me that night?If it is true,then he's pathetic.Do you mean that all he wants is just sex after we had a 9-hour skype conversation(normal conversation)?!"
Of course he's interested in hooking ... (read in full...)
Is she just being friendly or is there more to it?
Q. Hi all, nearly 22 year old male and never been on a date etc. A few nights ago I went out with my coursemates including this girl I didn't know very well. This girl and I got on pretty well. She asked me to dance with her (I refused at first...
A. 19 December 2010: Signs of both. If you like her, ask her out. No point in waiting! Good luck.... (read in full...)
He was talking about another girl's vagina!
Q. Ok my boyfriend (both 26 years old) and I have been together a few years. We have a daughter together and I recently found out we are expecting again. Last night he had a friend over and they got drunk and I went to go to sleep. I could hear the...
A. 17 December 2010: Drunken conversation will sometimes devolve to past conquests and missed opportunities. That doesn't mean he wants to go back there though. It was disrespectful of him to say those things, but that is also guy talk. It gets pretty nasty sometimes ... (read in full...)
All his relatives will be there!
Q. What should I wear to my boyfriend's sister 21st birthday celebration at their house. All his relatives and family will be there and they have been wanting to see me. OMG!...
A. 17 December 2010: What tennisstar88 said. Also, it's not a bad idea to ask your BF what he'll be wearing. You can get an idea of how casual or formal you should be based on that.... (read in full...)
I can't take being JUST her friend anymore!
Q. I have a friend (female) whom I (male) have a crush on but she is not interested in me, and just wants to be friends. I decided I was okay with that but recently I stopped talking to her because it was getting too much. I feel like a terrible friend ...
A. 17 December 2010: Then I think you need to distance yourself from her. I don't necessarilly think she's taking advantage of your feelings, so just tell her it's too hard for you. If she's a real friend, she'll understand.... (read in full...)
Help! I want my best friend back!
Q. hey guys :] well im in a pickle at the moment, basically i have fallen out with my best friend of 3 years, she started to date a boy i really hate, and a few days ago i had a fight with him. suddenly after that she told the school about it and ...
A. 17 December 2010: Walk away. She'll be back crying on your shoulder when this boy breaks her heart. You just need to give her space for now.
Write he a note that says, "I'll always be your friend. I know you are upset with me right now so I'm going to give you... (read in full...)
I can't take being JUST her friend anymore!
Q. I have a friend (female) whom I (male) have a crush on but she is not interested in me, and just wants to be friends. I decided I was okay with that but recently I stopped talking to her because it was getting too much. I feel like a terrible friend ...
A. 17 December 2010: I do favors for female friends all the time. The thing you have to consider is why YOU'RE the one she's asking. Is it because you're a great friend, or because she's taking advantage of your feelings?... (read in full...)
She's tame in bed with me, but I know she's been wild with others. How do I bring this up?
Q. I feel a bit strange asking a question about sex, but I guess why not? I met a girl backpacking. We traveled together for a month and things moved pretty fast. To the point that I find myself living with her in Canada. I enjoy having sex with h...
A. 17 December 2010: The only way to deal with something like this is to talk it out. Don't bring up her past, but talk about how you want to try some new things. Tell her you feel it's mechanical and want to change that.
There really isn't an easy way to talk abo... (read in full...)
I can't take being JUST her friend anymore!
Q. I have a friend (female) whom I (male) have a crush on but she is not interested in me, and just wants to be friends. I decided I was okay with that but recently I stopped talking to her because it was getting too much. I feel like a terrible friend ...
A. 17 December 2010: No, you're not a scumbag. Your friend is using you. She knows you have feelings for her and she's using that to her advantage. Think about what she's asking of you. Are they things that she'd ask of other friends? If not, then you have to ask ... (read in full...)
Why does my ex still hurt me and string me along?
Q. Dear all. please help. I split with my ex bf a few months back, and have been trying very hard to get over him, which has been really difficult as I loved him a lot. He has a lot of family and finance problems, and was controlling. Anyway, we tried ...
A. 17 December 2010: I agree with DrPsych. Why even bother with him anymore? You keep putting yourself in the situation. At some point you have to take some personal responsibility here.
It's time to cut contact!... (read in full...)
Hurt, confused, and don't know what to do
Q. I've been going out with the same guy for the last 8 months. It wasn't until recently that we started arguing a lot over dumb things. The problem that i have, and have stated in the past fights we've gotten into, is his lack of trying to make things ...
A. 17 December 2010: It is definitely his way of controlling the situation and I agree with you completely. Communication about this stuff is really important. Kissing and making up doesn't solve anything, it just buries the problem only to have it resurface later.
... (read in full...)
Head full of the ex when we have sex!!!
Q. I've been seeing my boyfriend for about 6 months now, and we get along very well. He's stable, he has a good job, he's good looking, and he cares for me a lot. Unfortunately, I end up thinking about sex with one of my exes while I'm having sex w...
A. 17 December 2010: I had something similar happen with an ex who I never had any real closure with. I actually bumped into that ex at my brother's graduation and made some small talk. Then she showed up at my apartment one night. The good news was that I was able ... (read in full...)
How judgmental are guys on the first date?
Q. Hello Guys, One of my friend gave my number to his cousin and sent to each other our pic and we liked each other and exchanged the numbers.. since one month we texted to each other and sometimes called.. he asked me to hand out twice but unfort...
A. 17 December 2010: I'll repeat myself again. Guys are straight forward. His text literally means that he'll let you know.
He is now weighing if he wants to give it another go. He will let you know when he is ready. If you don't hear from him for about a week you... (read in full...)
Tribute to the Deceased
Q. Hello.Im writing this to honor the memory of a late friend of mine and to pass on his rather sad story. Im a freshman in highschool.When I met my friend"Justin",I was living in the Bronx in first grade. I asked him what his fave color was."...
A. 17 December 2010: It's both good and a shame that he realized what he was giving up when it was too late. Thank you for sharing this. When people kill themselves, they are often in a pit of despair and unable to see all those out there who love and care for them. ... (read in full...)
She broke it off with me because of my problems in the bedroom...
Q. my ex-girlfriend broke up with me six months ago over my erectile dysfunction/uncertainty in the bedroom. Is there anything I can do? christmas card, her birthday in a few months, etc. I'm heartbroken, we were great together, and i just wish i ...
A. 17 December 2010: I wouldn't do anything beyond a card. If she wasn't willing to stick it out through something like this, then I'd be questioning if she was really the person I wanted to be with. Instead of looking for solutions, she left. That doesn't speak ... (read in full...)
All tied up!
Q. Hey, so my bf has told me he'd like me to tie him up during sex, and maybe to tie my wrists sometimes too. I think this sounds kinda fun, but wanted some advice on how to surprise him by doing this. I have some ribbons to tie his wrists, but would ...
A. 17 December 2010: This is all about domination. He wants you to take charge. You can do pretty much anything you want, that's the nice part of having a submissive. You two can have lot of fun and I like the ideas these other aunts have offered.... (read in full...)
In the hospital and my boyfriend was watching porn
Q. I am in hospital (pregnancy loss related) and had an overnight stay, whilst I was in overnight,I found out my partner masturbated to porn. I feel angry and emotional over this, am I over reacting? ...
A. 17 December 2010: I honestly think he was doing it to console himself. Masturbation is often used to relieve stress and boost his mood. Being very unlikely in the mood for sex after a traumatic experience, but still wanting the release, porn is a very natural ... (read in full...)
I enjoy watching my boyfriend masturbate!
Q. I really enjoy watching my bf masturbate himself off. Is this weird?? ...
A. 17 December 2010: I dated a girl like you once. It was fun. You're definitely not alone.... (read in full...)
How judgmental are guys on the first date?
Q. Hello Guys, One of my friend gave my number to his cousin and sent to each other our pic and we liked each other and exchanged the numbers.. since one month we texted to each other and sometimes called.. he asked me to hand out twice but unfort...
A. 16 December 2010: Are you really the age you posted as?
I answered you in the PM you sent me, but here it is again.
If you like him, text him that you are wondering if there is a better date to try a second date. Plain and simple.
He doesn't need to ap... (read in full...)
How judgmental are guys on the first date?
Q. Hello Guys, One of my friend gave my number to his cousin and sent to each other our pic and we liked each other and exchanged the numbers.. since one month we texted to each other and sometimes called.. he asked me to hand out twice but unfort...
A. 16 December 2010: "why he doesnt give me one more chance i dont even understand... what do you think?"
Actually, he sounded open. Just because he already had plans for the day you suggested doesn't make him not interested. You are reading way to far into his comm... (read in full...)
He won't stop cheating and he won't leave either!
Q. I'm so exhausted, my marriage has been terrible for years but I am trapped in it. I cannot leave due to our 3 children (if I left we'd be homed in another town, I cannot uproot my children like that) and financial circumstances, whereas he could ve...
A. 16 December 2010: Lots of questions OP.
Go talk to a lawyer. I bet you could get the house in the divorce. Then he would have to leave and if he didn't you could take legal recourse.
I do know an autistic boy. I've known him all 16 years of his life. I kno... (read in full...)
I don't want to watch my friend get hurt by this obvious player!
Q. hello i was just wondering what everyones opinion on this guy would be.Its a man that my friend is somewhat talking to and we cant seem to figure him out. ill call him J. So for starters she is in a relationship and has been for the past three y...
A. 16 December 2010: Leaving her man? I thought you were saying he's her ex and they have a problematic relationship.
As a friend you can tell her what you think, but it's her life to live and she has to live it, hurt and all. Give her a warning, but support ... (read in full...)
How judgmental are guys on the first date?
Q. Hello Guys, One of my friend gave my number to his cousin and sent to each other our pic and we liked each other and exchanged the numbers.. since one month we texted to each other and sometimes called.. he asked me to hand out twice but unfort...
A. 16 December 2010: Life lesson time. If you aren't prepared to focus on your date, then don't go on the date.
Really, that wasn't the turn off though. What would have been the turn off for me was when you told me to go somewhere else, and then later said you wish... (read in full...)
He won't stop cheating and he won't leave either!
Q. I'm so exhausted, my marriage has been terrible for years but I am trapped in it. I cannot leave due to our 3 children (if I left we'd be homed in another town, I cannot uproot my children like that) and financial circumstances, whereas he could ve...
A. 16 December 2010: "Really I'd feel so guilty if I took them away from their schools. One son is autistic and life is stressful enough for him, to take him away from the support he currently gets and his dad at the same time. I couldn't live with that. They would hate ... (read in full...)
He won't stop cheating and he won't leave either!
Q. I'm so exhausted, my marriage has been terrible for years but I am trapped in it. I cannot leave due to our 3 children (if I left we'd be homed in another town, I cannot uproot my children like that) and financial circumstances, whereas he could ve...
A. 16 December 2010: You are making excuses. I just read paragraphs of them. You can leave. Don't blame your kids. He does it because you let him. File for a divorce. My sympathy is only extended to those who help themselves. You're not doing that. Divorce him, ... (read in full...)
Does my guy friend like me romantically, sexually, or is he just joking around?
Q. A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw ...
A. 16 December 2010: Hi again OP,
Ok, I think you said something important in your last follow up.
"He sometimes acts like a baby,but he sometimes acts like a MAN,especially when it comes to some serious matters..."
What this tells me is that he doesn't consider... (read in full...)
Does my guy friend like me romantically, sexually, or is he just joking around?
Q. A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw ...
A. 14 December 2010: Haha, he'll always be single too if he keeps acting like this!
Honestly, you may like him, but his childish ways will get old really fast. You're likely much better off without him in your life. How could you have a serious conversation with him... (read in full...)
Does my guy friend like me romantically, sexually, or is he just joking around?
Q. A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw ...
A. 13 December 2010: Thanks for the follow ups. He's missed out. He hasn't responded to you so it's time to move on. He doesn't deserve you anyway. He doesn't seem llke he takes anything seriously and then when there are serious consequences he gets scared. His ... (read in full...)
Does my guy friend like me romantically, sexually, or is he just joking around?
Q. A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw ...
A. 6 December 2010: I can't rule out either. He may just want sex, but he may be using the "sexually" thing to play off the joke, or break the discomfort of the actual question. I think you need to stop looking to other's analysis of the situation and take matters in ... (read in full...)
Does my guy friend like me romantically, sexually, or is he just joking around?
Q. A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw ...
A. 3 December 2010: He's afraid to ask you out. That's why he's asked you multiple times if you liked him. If you told him yes in a serious way, he would likely ask you out or confess his feelings. He doesn't want to put himself out there, and uses the teasing to ... (read in full...)
Does my guy friend like me romantically, sexually, or is he just joking around?
Q. A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw ...
A. 2 December 2010: Wow, lots of examples here. Sounds like you've got a thing for him.
That behavior is how boys in grade school show they like a girl. Maybe he hasn't matured since then. Some guys get a kick out of winding girls up. It sounds like he does. I... (read in full...)
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