A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I've been with my partner for over two years but four mths ago,I discovered he'd been having cybersex with strangers,including on webcam and swapping intimate photos.I've tried to keep the relationship going,with the beginnings of therapy,he got rid of the net straight away and is desperately ashamed and sorry but I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to trust him again,as I'd suspected he was doing this and even said I'd live with it,if only he'd be honest,but he gave up this chance to be truthful,even though he knew I had major trust issues.He'd done it throughout almost the entire relationship.He never lacked intimacy or sex with me.In fact,I have the higher sex drive.I need to make a decision soon,as we were making steps to live together.I truly want to forgive,forget and trust,because apart from this,he's wonderful,treats me so well and we love each other so much.Can I get past this?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): Me and my partner went through something similar and it caused major problems but we managed to get past it due to the fact that she never actualy had intimate physical sex with anyone if she had that i would of said she had cheated
A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionGod,so many responses&so many of them so thourough.Thank you.A lot of the advice telling me that he is beyond trust/change,speaks to my heart in a terrible way.I'll be honest&say it's not what I'd hoped to hear&I'm scared I may have to end it.I'm certainly thinking of telling him that moving hn together is not an option right now.To the person who suggested our partners should make us better people,well,that's what he's always said of me.Sadly,even without this issue,I can't say the same.If anybody has anything further to advise,please do,as I'm still lost in a wilderness of pain&confusion.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 For me, it's one thing to catch the guy in the act of masturbating or looking at recorded pictures or videos--and another to find he's been interacting with strangers, interacting on web cam and sharing pictures of his own body with someone else. That's definitely over the line in MY definition of cheating. He's created a relationship, short-lived though it may be, with another woman and is exchanging sexually intimate activity.
Then he lied about it, and tried to mitigate the extent of the damage. This does not sound like the guy who is quietly in the privacy of his own house without anyone else being involved in his private reverie or masturbation getting caught with his trousers unzipped. That guy is just making love to himself, in a way. Your guy was sexually intimate with strange women, yes, perhaps it is the safest sex possible but he was looking for and interacting with other women.
And then he lied, and lied again, after assessing the damages and deciding what he could get away with. That would not fill me with confidence that this man has any integrity or shared my moral standards. For me, I doubt the relationship would survive. I would be too worried that since his moral code seemed to be "do whatever you like as long as you don't get caught, then if you do, lie your face off," he wouldn't recognize when he was going over the cheating line again.
I really like the answer by the female anon who starts by asking "Can you get over it?" She presents a very compelling argument that this man has shown you by his actions that he has a very different idea of what is appropriate in a relationship. I'd walk away too. I certainly wouldn't be moving in with him, I'd wind up feeling like a prison warden because the trust would be destroyed, and I'd be watching his every move like a hawk. Not conducive to a mutually respectful relatonship, I think.
Just the 'yuck' factor would put me off, he's taking pictures of his privates and sending them to strangers? How vulgar. Sorry but that's just really pathetic attention-seeking and bizarre behavior for a man who is presumably committed to one woman.
Good luck with your decision.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): Can you get over it? Only you can decide that... But the bigger question is... whether he can.... or rather, if he WILL. What you describe is not the actions of a man who has made a commitment to one woman... namely, you. If it were me, I'd put off the moving in thing indefinitely and I would absolutely come to terms with the fact that his value system is, well, his own... and may not be on the same page as yours. This can be a major problem because you can wind up playing 'catch me if you can'.
It isn't so much a question as to what motivates a guy into doing this, lying and hiding... its pretty obvious its about sexual activity (even via webcam) with someone else... Its sort of perverted. I get the fact that he is 'ashamed'... as well he should be... hence the hiding of it. Cheating is usually accompanied by lying.
The question is whether you want to become more deeply entrenched with someone who is not sexually and spiritually committed to you, who cheats and lies about it and who needs therapy to deal with being a pervert. I don't doubt that he's a nice guy, otherwise you would probably not have gone as far with him as you have. But, I wouldn't go down this road with him unless you are at least willing to risk this being a lifelong problem with him... one that can seriously mess you up on more levels than you could even inventory.
If you were already married ... for a number of years... I'd say risk it.
However, when someone shows you who they are... PLEASE BELIEVE THEM. He's shown you, now you have to make decisions with the information you have. You cannot excuse it as a temporary insanity... because really... ask yourself... why it is you do not engage in this sort of activity. What would it represent to you if you did?
When it gets down to it ... men and women are people. People with all sorts of issues and sexuality, and ideas... However, our inner workings guide who we are, what we do and don't do, and our morals and values. Who we are inside morally determines what we choose to act upon.
Some men have written themselves a script that paints them into the corner of sexual perversion... they have loads of company in the form of other men and women who support them in their choices. They want all excuses for why it should be acceptable that they become sexually twisted, jerk off, and cheat. They want to pin it all on the shame game that they are bad little boys who are being denied their penis.
But that is not the makings of a real man. That is the makings of a bad little boy... a child. A little boy's psychology at work over his sexual shame. Some choose to say... "Hey, this is who I am. Love me as I am, weird and all..." Some choose to be real men who are fully integrated and walk away from being sexually broken.
We can find something beautiful inside of every single living thing on this planet. Your guy probably has many wonderful traits. However, he is sexually broken and you must see the big picture and whether this big picture will result in a good life... or whether continuing with him will result in a very bad life.
Turning a blind eye to someone's cheating isn't the solution... nor is it healthy for you to compromise by staying with a man who has clearly crossed the boundaries of decency in his own life and in your life together. This has to do with his character. Our integrity is what keeps even the most screwed up person on the right track... What concerns me isn't so much that he has problems, but that he lacks integrity and has poor character.
If I were in your shoes, I would walk away. I would hope for him that he decides to get better and improve himself as a man... However, you do not need to sign up for that dysfunctional journey.
Don't romanticize him. See this for what it is. Make a choice to invest in a relationship that will result in you being a happier, healthier, fulfilled ... woman.
I believe that we should choose partners and friends who make us better people... That those we interact with will have a positive influence in our lives... teach us something wonderful about life...
Some men and women teach each other the darkest side of life... because that is what is in their hearts. Even the most vile person has something worth loving... The question is whether being with them will lead you down the tubes or up on a pedestal.
I wish you good luck with your future....
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 December 2010):
 I doubt he's cheated physically. I can completely understand why you feel the way you do though. Basically this is porn. It's interactive porn, but still porn. Nasty pictures and dirty chat. It's something that trips his trigger. Most men who use porn will never even consider cheating on their partner. I doubt he's any different. He looks to me like a guy who was confronted with something he didn't know how to handle, and instead of coming completely clean, he tried to mitigate the damages by confessing to only what you knew about thinking if you didn't know about the rest it wouldn't hurt you. Twisted logic I've learned, but keep in mind that men have been hiding their masturbatory practices from their early teens. Some of those behaviors are so engrained that it becomes nearly impossible to do anything different.
I know that when I had a GF catch me once, it felt like I was a kid again and my mom found the dirty magazines under the mattress. Beyond embarassed. What changed, I got better at hiding it, because to me what I was doing wasn't the problem.
Your best bet for having a real conversation about this is for him to not feel attacked. Perhaps that might make you feel better if you can finally get a straight answer from him. The minute a guy feels like he's in trouble for something, he goes into damage control mode and gets very defensive. That's why there are usually fights around this topic.
It's my hope that you can get to the root of this through therapy. Hopefully in a neutral environment you'll be able to speak openly about this stuff and he will feel safe enough to be honest. That won't happen right away, but it could with time.
If you want to address it before that, then your best bet is to discuss the "why" behind the behavior. "Honey, I'm really torn right now. I think part of the reason I am so upset is I can't figure out why you needed to do this. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough for you. Can we talk about this? I don't want to fight, and I promise to listen. I just want to have an honest and open discussion so we can put this behind us." Something like that may work, but it may not. I think an approach similar to what I laid out is your best bet at getting to the bottom of this though.
Good luck.
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A
female
reader, Tbosse  +, writes (21 December 2010):
 Spare yourself another heart ache by ditching him.i mean he cant choose cybersex over you.he has less respect for you as his gf and as a woman.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you.It's good to hear a man's response.I think the main issue I have,is that,as you said,even when I discovered what he'd been doing,(he'd stupidly forgotten to close his email site,made up just for this purpose)he lied,then when he realised it wouldn't wash,he admitted to a tiny part of what I (with lots of investigating,on the internet,&sometimes even just bluffing)later found out,&only admitted to certain things,as I confronted him with evidence,even though I'd pleaded with him to just tell all,so I could finally have some honesty,restore some of the respect I'd lost for him,&try to re-build the trust,but he couldn't/wouldn't do this.Unfortunately,this only leaves me fearing there's more I don't know&that it may be possible he's cheated physically.
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A
male
reader, eddie85 +, writes (21 December 2010):
 My first instinct was to ask if your sex life was okay and from the sounds of it, there is no lacking in that department on his end. Usually guys go for the webcam sex stuff if they aren't getting it at home.
Note: his sex drive *could* be lower on account he is fooling around too much on the side.
I suspect he enjoys the thrill of new partners and taking risks. There are generally no strings attached to web cam stuff -- just do it and get off. He doesn't have to worry about pleasuring anyone else.
I think you can get over this, but I really there is more behind this than you realize. I think therapy is a good place to start, but I'd be extremely wary of living together given light of this fact.
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A
male
reader, steph007  +, writes (21 December 2010):
Not this cybersex is the problem here. That is easy to handle: e.g. you may join them and regard it as a silly game, etc. The real problem here is that you are not equally sexual, and you remain unsatisfied as his partner. You should think of this, and not of the cybersex. Anyway, cybersex is usually a substitute of the real sex. I am dare to say it is innocuous.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (21 December 2010):
You can get past it if you both make the effort to. Keep in mind it won't happen over night. While this isn't quite an affair, it does land in that shady grey area between porn and an affair.
I think that if the rest of the relationship is good, then you should see where some couple's therapy takes you. Hopefully you can start to rebuild that trust, but it will take time.
Remember, he lied about this because he was ashamed of it and has been hiding it for a long time. Something like this is something most guys will try to cover up even when busted. It's a defense mechanism. Even though we know we should just come clean, part of us can't. This isn't to make excuses for it, just to explain. Honesty is always the best policy.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 December 2010): I think you can get over it. The Web can be very seductive and you can be sucked in and addicted, he may have developed a compulsion which he regrets now he has been discovered. I would not rush to live together just yet. See if everything settles down and you feel confident that this won't proved to be an issue in the future for your own peace of mind.
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