A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:A guy friend of mine often calls me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot','stupid' in a joking way but I'm really skinny and not bad-looking...He always mocks me. Every time he sees me, he just winds me up! Once when I was cooking in our friend's house, he threw stuff at me...he threw balloon,aubergine and lemon at me! When we were having our lunch, his friend said,"oh,my tutor is so stupid! He...blah blah blah". Then my guy friend said,"yes,he's as stupid as xxx (my name)!"One day a group of our friends had a buffet in a restaurant. When all of us left our seats and got some food, 2 of our friends (girls) saw sushi and they were excited by saying "oh!sushi!" I also said,"sushi!" Then,my guy friend just told me,"xxx(my name),be quiet! Control yourself"Come on!I'm not the only person who said "sushi!" I continued getting food but wherever I went, he just kept standing in my way and he didn't let me get past!Once we were sitting in the university library and using computers. He browsed my profile page on facebook. Then he "print screen" my profile page and set it as a background picture on the desktop! OMG! It is the computer in the library! I wanted to grab the keyboard and the mouse and tried to change the background picture but he stopped me from doing this!Well...I mean...he didn't do these things to me in a very serious or mean way. He did these things playfully.Once we went to our friend's house. My guy friend and I were alone in my friend's bedroom. I was kneeling down on the floor and charged his mobile phone for him. Suddenly he was also kneeling down behind me and he started playing with my hair! He stroked my hair playfully and he touched my back and he kept laughing! When I reacted,he laughed! Then,he suddenly stood up and closed the door of the bedroom. And then he came back and continued touching my hair and my back! He even put some small stuff into my t-shirt! When he saw my reaction,he kept laughing!!Once we were walking down the street,he played with my hair again and he put my hair into his mouth! He bit it and he told me,"the smell of your hair is even better than your cooking"Once I went to a supermarket with him and we wanted to buy some food and drinks. He likes beers and wines. He picked up a bottle of wine but he put it back on the shelf after awhile. I wondered why he did this. I asked,"oh?you don't want to buy wine? I thought you liked wine" He said,"If I buy wine,I'm going to lose you" He was quite serious when he said this.Once both of us were invited to our friend's birthday party. Our friend introduced her friend, Peter, to me. I talked to Peter,"hi,nice to meet you ,my name is xxx" Peter said,"I remember you...i met you once a few months ago...i was a bit drunk at that time" Then i said,"really? i didn't think that you got drunk at that time" Then, my guy friend said,"xxx(my name),I'm sure that you'll remember me if i get drunk"Once when we were alone, he asked me a question out of nowhere,"xxx(my name),do you like me?" I felt very awkward and I just kept laughing. Then he added, "sexually". Then we laughed together and changed the subject. Once we were talking to each other on skype, he asked me again,"xxx(my name), do you like me?" I asked him,"well...in what way?" He said,"sexually" Then I told him to *uck off! And he just laughed!2months later, we were talking on Skype again. He suddenly asked me, "xxx(my name),everyone loves you. Do you love me?" I said,"yes,of course" He asked,"then do you love me sexually?" I just laughed at him and changed the subject.Later on, he asked me, "who do you like at this moment?" I said, "it's none of your business" He said,"just tell me! who do you like atm?Just tell me" I kept telling him "it's none of your business" but he just kept asking me for 5-6 times!!Sometimes we talked to each other on skype and he always asked me to turn on the webcam because he wanted to see my stupid face! Every time he sees me on webcam,he just starts the conversation by giving comments on my hair and my glasses. 1 month ago,we were talking on skype again. He asked me to turn on the webcam again. Then he said,"oh,your hair becomes thinner,but why does your glasses become thicker?haha! And your 2 front teeth have become bigger! haha! Rabbit teeth!" He just kept laughing at my glasses and my front teeth!!!! Then, he put his webcam in front of the screen of his laptop. He said,"hey,xxx(my name)....look at this, look at this...this is your face. This is your face. Can you see it, xxx?Can you see it?" Then, I said,"That's enough! I don't want to see my face which is shown on your laptop." He laughed and said,"of course. Not just you, nobody wants to see your face! hahha" I said,"then why did you ask me to turn on the webcam?!" He still kept laughing at me.What's wrong with my guy friend? He's 19 but he acts like a kid!What is his intention? Does he just want to joke around? Does he like me? If yes,in what way? romantically or sexually? Or he's just an attention seeker? Or he sees me only as his good friend and he likes winding me up/tried to be funny and entertaining?
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reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo dirtball,
Thank you very much for your reply:-)
Yes,he probably is not a player and I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me or lead me on on purpose...but I still think all he wants from me is just friendship and sex...but not a girlfriend or a relationship.Am I right? (If you still remember my long story)
A
male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (4 January 2011):
 Thanks for the follow up. I think he just thinks all of this stuff is funny. He seems to like playing around with that topic. He's not a player, because he doesn't have game...
It's his loss, and while you may like him, you don't need his immature games either. No need for that shit at all.
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reader, anonymous, writes (31 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much,everyone!Now I got the answer from my guy friend.Here is the end of my story:
He didn't respond to my love text.We didn't see and talk to each other until last week.I talked to him last week on skype....he asked me happily,"xxx(my name),have you got over me?" I said,"what?!" He asked me happily,"are you still in love with me?" i said,"what?!do you mean the text which i sent to you last month?" he said,"yes,the love text which you sent to me..i remember it" I pretended,"oh,the text!Do you really think that I'm serious?" He said,"i don't know.So are you still in love with me,xxx?" I said,"You can just try to ask me out,then you'll know the answer" He said,"no,I wouldn't take the risk" I said,"i sent you that text because you have also sent it to me before,like a few months ago" He said,"when?when did I send you these kind of texts before?" I said,"a few months ago,you used Mary's mobile phone to send me the text telling me 'I love you'.Don't you remember that?" He said,"ah yes! The reason why I used her phone to send you the text is because I wanted to make you think it was Mary who sent you the text.That's it." I said,"oh,really?" He said,"yes.....so,xxx,who do you like at this moment? Tim (the guy I used to like a lot) or me?" I said,"what?!why did you ask this question?Are you in love with me?" He said,"no,I'm afraid I'm not in love with you..." I said,"I don't like Tim anymore,but he's still my favourite guy at the university" He asked me,"Tim is your favourite guy at the university.Then how about me? Am I your favourite guy at the university?" I said,"no,you're not.You can't replace Tim." He said,"oh,it's not nice to hear that" I said,"I know you are sexually attracted to me..but I'm sorry,I don't feel the same way" Then,he kept silent.
Today,I talked to him again on skype.We discussed something about bitching about people's faces,calling people 'ugly' or 'fat'....etc. He said,'I wouldn't mind if other people or my friends call me ugly or something behind my back.I just don't care! but if a girl who I like and I want to go out with and she says I'm ugly...I would feel like........like a shit. I always think Tim is so ugly,I wouldn't mind if he also thinks I'm ugly or he says I'm ugly behind my back. Because I don't want to date Tim,so i wouldn't mind if he calls me ugly behind my back....even if you,xxx(my name),you call me ugly or something like that behind my back,I'm fine with that because I'm not going to date you or go out with you"
It sounds like he doesn't like me now.I feel hurt...:'-( Now I feel I was deceived.I mean,if he has never ever liked me in that way,why did he lead me on in the first place?!!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Tante Victoire,Thank you very much for your reply :-)Although he always calls me 'ugly','fat'...etc.,I know he didn't mean it because I'm skinny.He just tried to banter.He didn't mean to be rude or to insult me.I'm sure :-)He just has a weird or immature version of 'sense of humor'. If I tell him I'm not ok with that,I'm sure that he'll stop it."But if he is purposely changing changing every instant like that as an attempt to keep you interested, by manipulating your emotions, that is unhealthy and too stressful for you" ----Exactly!I'm feeling depressed now because he seems to lead me on and to play mind games!
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reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo dirtball,
I'm sorry if I have misread into your answer...
I'm not sure how you define 'hook up'.To me,'hook up' means when you hook up with a person, you have sex with them. kind of like a one night stand deal. you're interested in the person mainly because of the physical attraction and lust you feel for them. It has nothing to do with the person's mind,intellect,personality...etc. 'hook up' is all about sex and it's nothing serious. The reason why I think it's insulting or pathetic is because that guy SEEMS to see me only as an object instead of a human being with mind/brain.If he doesn't like me romantically or doesn't have any romantic feelings for me but still wants to have sex with me/to hook up,then,this is very disrespectful.
"There is a difference between a hope and an expectation. What is wrong with him hoping to get with you?"---What do you think his 'expectation'is?
I'm still not sure how he thinks at this moment since he hasn't responded to my text.Anyway,I'm going to see him soon so I'll try to bring it up and talk to him face-to-face although it'll be very awkward or ruin the friendship.
Actually I'm not experienced to confront a guy with this issue.If I next see him,I think I'll ask him questions like,"I know you're sexually attracted to me and you wanna hook up with me,but I have no idea whether you like me romantically or have feelings for me.Are you only sexually attracted to me? Or you are also attracted to me as a person?Could you please tell me honestly what you want?"
Good idea?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 December 2010):
"so you think that he's interested in hooking up with me that night?If it is true,then he's pathetic.Do you mean that all he wants is just sex after we had a 9-hour skype conversation(normal conversation)?!"
Of course he's interested in hooking up with you! It's not insulting or pathetic, it means he's interested in you. He would never admit that unless the mood felt right, call that the secret internal hope of a boy conflicted with his feelings toward you. There is a difference between a hope and an expectation. What is wrong with him hoping to get with you? There's nothing saying that's all he wants. You jump too far when you read into what I wrote.
The lesson I'd give you here is to stop interpreting things so much. You're driving yourself insane with this. You like him. Tell him you like him again and see if he wants to date. If he says no, then that's it. If he says yes, then take it slowly so you can be sure of his intentions.
The stuff you've written about shows that he's interested more than he may have let on, but nothing here is definitive. Sometimes the only way to get moving on something like this is to take action yourself. If you're not willing to do that, then perhaps you should just move on.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo dirtball,
Yeah,he sometimes acts like a baby in front of me such as winding me up,touching me,messing with me...etc..but he sometimes acts like a MAN and is nice to me and he's quite caring.For example,2 months ago i went to his house and took back my coat which he had borrowed from me.When I left,he walked me to the bus stop. I was waiting for the bus and he was accompanying me.We had waited for at least 10-15 minutes,then the bus came. He's very sweet because he was very urgent and he wanted to go to toilet and to pee while waiting for the bus. I asked him to go first but he said,"then how about you?" I said I would be fine. But he was still sitting there and waiting for the bus with me. I asked him when he started feeling urgent. He said, "it has been awhile ago". The bus stop is around 10-15 minutes away from his house.
5 months ago,I went to his home town and visited him.I asked him to be my tour guide.He was happy to do so.Originally we didn't plan anything for the trip...but one day before the trip,he started realizing that he had to plan for it.He asked me which places/tourist attractions I wanted to visit.I also told him I would arrive at 9am and I had to catch the bus to return to my town at 10pm.Finally,he had made an itinerary for the trip.He even searched the background information/history of the tourist attractions on the Internet.He printed them out and there were more than 10 pages.It took him a few hours to plan the trip and he slept only for one hour.He got up very early in the next morning and picked me up at the bus stop.Then he took me to the tourist attractions.He introduced and explained the background information of the attractions to me by reading aloud the notes which he had printed out.LOL We kept walking around,taking photos,had lunch,dinner,took a boat...etc..The trip lasted for 13 hours and finally he walked me to bus stop around 10pm.Yet,he has done something strange.For example,during the trip,he bitched about Tim's face again and again out of nowhere!He even asked me to buy a new pair of glasses so that I'd no longer be blind and I'd no longer think that Tim was handsome...At the end of the trip,he took my mobile phone and asked me,"Can I change Tim's name to my name of the contact lists on your phone?" I asked him why but he didn't answer.Also,when he was walking me to the bus stop at the end of the trip,he changed the clock on my mobile phone to one hour behind in time when I didn't notice him.But anyway,it was really sweet of him.He asked me to call him on skype after I went home.Then when I was talking to him on skype after I went home,he asked me to go to his home town again the next day because he wanted to spend more time with me.
"Still, I don't know many guys who would come visit a girl they aren't interested in on a deeper level. Usually a visit like that comes with hopes of a hook up, even if it's never mentioned or doesn't happen. That's just our nature."---so you think that he's interested in hooking up with me that night?If it is true,then he's pathetic.Do you mean that all he wants is just sex after we had a 9-hour skype conversation(normal conversation)?!
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Aunt Abella,
Wow!I love your long feedback!You're very observant!Thank you very much :-D
"Wow if only he knew how much thought is being put into analysis of his motivation"---It'd be a disaster if he knew this or saw this post.
Thank you for your compliment.Yes,he does see some impressive components in my character...he told me I was an interesting girl.Although I'm a Chinese,he(my guy friend is a British Chinese)thinks that I'm different from other Chinese people who he has met before.He thinks that most Chinese people are boring because they don't understand 'banter' and they always find 'banter' rude and then get offended...but I'm not.He told me I understood his 'banter' and we were on the same level.I could always make a good comback when he made 'yo mama jokes'. He also told me that he found it very funny when I told everyone I was going to DECLARE my love to a guy (Tim)I liked 10 months ago. He thought the word "Declare" was very funny.He also told me he loved my hair and he loved my laugh.He finds my laughter funny and it can make him laugh.Though he always calls me 'ugly','fat','stupid'.....etc.,once when we were alone,he told me my face was pretty without glasses.When we talked to each other on Skype,he sometimes asked me to take off my glasses.
On the other hand,he thinks/says that I'm a very weird person and sometimes crazy..For example,he knows I used to like a guy called Tim a lot!He thinks that I used to INFATUATE with Tim.He laughed at me and told me,"I've never seen any friends of mine who can INFATUATE with a person for 7 months!" He even said this in front of my friends,"Tim's so ugly.xxx(my name),how can you infatuate over this guy with this face for 7 months? haha!"
Once Tim and I have fallen out.Tim stopped being my friend and didn't talk to me anymore.I was so depressed and I really wanted Tim back.I wanted Tim's friendship back.Then I was planning to cook chicken wings(Tim's favorite food)and brought them to Tim's house in person(It'd take me one hour by bus).I also planned to write Tim a letter of apology.Most of my guy friends including this guy thought that I was weird if I did something like this.They thought that it wasn't my fault.This guy friend kept telling me that I was weird because he has never met any people who did something like this to make up the friendship.That's why he thought that I was so weird.Eventually I cancelled my plan and I didn't bring Tim chicken wings or the letter.Also,my guy friend also told me that he has never met any girls or even guys who could eat as much as me.I can eat a lot!Anyway,he always thinks that I'm weird.Then I told him,"Everybody is different.So everybody is weird.People are just weird in their own ways because they are different" He said,"but you're especially weird" I said,"You think that I'm weird.So you think that it's not a good thing,right?" He didn't say anything but he just kept laughing.Then he asked me,"why did you think so?" I said,"because the word 'weird' is negative.It has a negative meaning.If you tell me I'm 'unique',then this is positive." He laughed and said,"then you're both unique and weird." I said,"what?!you contradict yourself." He said,"then you're uniquely weird" Then both of us laughed. I said,"yeah,I'm weird..but this is who I am.I won't change it.I just want to be myself."
You think that he never pursues any girls because he never faces rejection.Well...I don't know what he was thinking about.If this is true,then he's a coward.
"you can hld a good conversation. You have plenty of grey matter above the eye brows. You are smart and reflective, and not a pushover. No wonder he is intrigued by you."--I don't know if he agrees with you since he has never told me these.If all he wants from me is just sex instead of liking me as a person,then it has nothing to do with whether I'm smart and reflective or not.He can still want to have sex with me even if I'm stupid and boring.He might be intrigued by me because of my body/appearance instead of my character.He might just want to be my friend with benefits...I don't know...The fact that he enjoys talking to me doesn't necessarily mean that he is intrigued by me(although I really hope so).He may view me only as his good friend who shares common interests.
Yeah,he told me I stood out from the crowd...but I'm not sure whether it's in a good way or in a bad way.
I'm sure that he loves spending time with me because once I told him I was going to Scotland for travel.Then he asked me,"can I go to Scotland?" I said "yes,of course" Then he asked me when I would go to Scotland. I asked him whether he had been to Scotland before.He said,'yes,but Scotland is quite boring..'
He knows I used to like Tim a lot.During the 9-hour skype conversation,he asked me,"have you ever slept with Tim?" I said,"no!" He asked,"If Tim asked you to marry him at that time,would you say 'yes'?" I said,"I wouldn't" Then he asked me why. I said,"because he's weird and he's out of my league.Although I liked him a lot,it wasn't enough for me to marry him"
Actually I'm fine with his banter because I know he doesn't mean to be rude or offensive.This is his weird version of 'sense of humor'.
I have asked my other guy friends what they thought about the whole situation.They think that he just wants sex and friendship but he doesn't like me emotionally or he likes me only a tiny little bit but not enough to go out with me.If he really liked me,he would have responded to my text telling me "I also love you as more than a friend" instead of ignoring my text.My friends think that the reason why he didn't respond to my text was because he didn't know how to respond.It'd be very embarrassing and he would sound like a jerk if he responded to me like "I don't love you as more than a friend.I only love you sexually and I just want to have sex with you and to be your friend.I don't want to date you"
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This guy is not necessarily immature, but he does not respect you and your sensitivities. If it hurts you to be insulted about your body, do not stand for it. He is showing lack of respect by expecting to treat you like one of his buddies or even female friends who are o.k. with it, and not a lady. If he ever continues hurtful behaviour after you've mentioned the pain, it does not matter what it is... if he doesn't stop, he is selfishly putting his needs far before yours and showing through that immaturity, as well as through his extreme fear of rejection even after being accepted multiple times by you, by your continuing associations with him, proving your fondness. He sees you so in a bother about him and still doesn't realize your interest and wish for togetherness?
I'm sure you are able to pull off banter that is delightfully immature, as with the little vodka and sauce episode (I think people traditionally put those two together, actually)and similar. And the hugs are sweet and make him interesting and a bit exciting. But if he is purposely changing changing every instant like that as an attempt to keep you interested, by manipulating your emotions, that is unhealthy and too stressful for you, and you should perhaps consider moving on to someone more genuine. Many are exciting without having to play games. If his are his natural personality, you'll have to see if you can put up with it, I suppose. Don't if it makes you feel like a mother or an annoyed older sister. That is not a lover.
It's natural to be selfish sometimes, but relationships require a lot of compromise to work. If he offers none, he isn't worth it.
-Tante Victoire
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (16 December 2010):
 hi, you are very observant and i think this guy sees impressive components in your character. Wow if only he knew how much thought is being put into analysis of his motivations! I thank you, for your posts.
First, on girls:
He says he does not chase girls, they come to him. They have to make it clear that they are offering it on a plate. So he does not pursue them directly. They come to him and make their wishes clear. That way he never faces rejection. He has met a good match with you. Because you can hld a good conversation. You have plenty of grey matter above the eye brows. You are smart and reflective, and not a pushover. No wonder he is intrigued by you.
Some girls end up feeling they have to offer sex to hold a guy when they run out of conversation. As if the best they have to offer, to hold a guy, is sex. Guys take what is on offer and then move on to the next girl. YOU have much more to offer, so you are not like those 'easy' girls.
You can hold a conversation, you are interesting, you think and are thoughtful. No wonder he loves talking to you. You do intrigue him.
Keep doing what you are doing. Keep him on his toes. If he wants you, for once he may have to pursue you. And face (him) wondering if he will be rejected (i am guessing no, if you really like him). But only on your terms. And only when you are ready.
No wonder he keeps talking to you. Because you do stand out from the crowd.
And on banter and talking:
So he is able to be respectul, if he wants=good.
Versus
He has a penchant for banter=hmmm. Ok, maybe
Versus
Some of his friends don't like banter=so some of his friends say 'no thanks' being talked to like that. Yet they remain his friends. He cares about them that much.
Interesting.
He enjoys banter, it appeals to him. But not everyone allows it.
He can try banter with you.
He can be himself with you.
He can even regress to a younger stage in his life, tossing around insults and getting away with it. Selling it as 'banter'. But it also means that you can stand up to him if you don't like being called names that are not appropriate. Depending how much he cares about you, he will either respect or ignore your request. Notice he respects his friends enough not to do it to them, even though he enjoys talking like that.
Keep standing up to him. Keep rebutting him if you enjoy responding to his banter. Though you can ask him to stop banter and if he really cares aboit you he ma be prepared to stop insulting you.
But if he really wants you, he can step up to the plate, be a man, and pursue a woman, for a change. Instead of expecting you to make it easy for him.
Yes, he likes you. I am convinced of it now even more than i was earlier.
You do not have to try too hard to get this guy. Keep talking, debating and intriguing him. Keep up the good work.
You are a special lady, and you'll make him work for it, if he wants more from you. Thus you and he are a good fit.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (16 December 2010):
Hi again OP,
Ok, I think you said something important in your last follow up.
"He sometimes acts like a baby,but he sometimes acts like a MAN,especially when it comes to some serious matters..."
What this tells me is that he doesn't consider you a serious matter if he's always joking and stuff. Still, since you like him, there's no harm in putting it out there again. The thing is, if he's told you he's not interested, you may be setting yourself up for disappointment. Still, I don't know many guys who would come visit a girl they aren't interested in on a deeper level. Usually a visit like that comes with hopes of a hook up, even if it's never mentioned or doesn't happen. That's just our nature.
Good luck,
DB
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Aunt Abella,
I'm sorry.You have to re-read my boring posts again.Haha!but you can just ignore them if you want...
You're right.Talking for long hours can build up good feelings, and draw people into a relationship.Yet,talking for long hours can also mean a good/close friendship.It doesn't only mean a relationship or something beyond a good friendship.
Every time I talked to him on Skype,we told each other to turn on the video/webcam.Yes,we did have a great time talking.We laughed a lot and we got along well.He even told me that he would come and visit me during winter holiday and asked me to introduce him my coursemates at my university.Yes,I hope for more because I like him.Although he's a joking person who frequently plays 'your mama jokes' with me,he does have serious conversation with me...especially when we were talking about life,career and values.Once he even wanted to come to my place (he had to cycle for 1 hour) and visit me immediately after we had had a 9-hours skype conversation.He started packing and planned to come over my place and to stay overnight....I know,this sounds a bit clingy...
Everyone hates rejection.I also hate rejection.No one loves rejection..but we have to take the risk...this is life...
Yes,you're right.I feel good about him.He sometimes acts like a baby,but he sometimes acts like a MAN,especially when it comes to some serious matters such as works, business and problem-solving.He knows what he wants.He knows what he enjoys.More importantly,he knows me very well.He knows who I am and my personality.He told me I stood out from the crowd and he gave me different reasons why he thought so. He's able to speak respectfully if he wants. But calls me ugly stupid fat and idiot in a playful way.This sounds like he has multiple personalities.haha!
He told me why he always joked around,called me ugly,idiot,stupid,played 'yo mama jokes'...he said this was called 'banter'.Banter is common among good friends.He said he didn't mean to be rude.Yes,he has a weird version of 'sense of humor'...but he knew that I wouldn't mind.He knew that I understood his 'humor' and I could always make a good comeback.He also told me why he didn't banter with some of his friends because they didn't like 'banter' or they didn't understand it.
Well...I definitely don't want a fling because I'm not guys' sexual object.I hate guys who want me only for sex.This is very disrespectful.I'm a relationship person and I have been in a 4 years relationship before.
Long time ago,he told me he seldom or never pursued girls.He just let girls come to him.He even told me when he saw a girl he liked,he just appreciated her from afar like "oh,I like her".Then,that's it.He wouldn't pursue her or tell her he likes her.He also told me he wasn't a kiss-and-tell person.When he likes a girl,he never tells anyone (including his friends)who he likes.
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reader, Abella +, writes (15 December 2010):
I love how richly detailed your posts/follow ups are. It really gives a better sense of the whole situation.
Talking for long hours can build up good feelings, and draw people into a relationship. But meeting face to face is real. Sounds like you have a great time talking. And you are hoping for more. Yes, its me again, a very contrite, hanging head down, Aunt. Re-reading all your posts again.
Seeing that he throws those mean labels at you sometimes, but then you have long satisfying talks, i am wondering if he lacks confidence to take the relationship to a higher level. And is waiting for a green light from you?
Because boys hate rejection.
It must be so difficult for you.
Clearly you are torn between your 'what could this become?' good feelings about him... Versus.... That he does not always revere you and be supportive to you at other times.
You have these good feelings, he's 19, so he's a man, able to speak respectfully if he wants. But calls you ugly stupid fat and idiot, when you are none of these are true.
I know some people have weird versions of 'a sense of humor' but not many girls would like be labelled like that. And some boys will say something nasty, and if the girl reacts he retrospectively labels it a joke. When it was nit said in that spirit.
Maybe a serious talk to him about his hurtful remarks?
I am wondering if this is just his technique to deal with girls?
But he's alfready flagged his status, that at his age he does not want to settle down. all he is offering a fling.
Is a fling all you want with this man? Or do you hope for more?
If he knows you are interested, but you don't need the fat ugly stupid remarks he might stop labeling you.
If he is not prepared to stop unjustly labelling you, and if he only wants a fling, and you want more when his labels upset you these there is a mismatch.
Shall lookout for your followrp
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo Aunt Abella,
haha,it's fine.Don't worry :-)
I'm sorry.You have to re-read my long essays again...but thank you for being a good listener :-)
"Susan was his significant other."--It'd be very funny if it was true.LOL
You probably think that I'm just over-analyzing or thinking too much,but I don't think so.I have known him for 1 year and I always saw him only as my friend(not that close)and I had never seen him in that way until 5 months ago.
5 months ago,he knew I was liking another guy,Tim.I liked Tim a lot.Then my guy friend started telling me how ugly Tim was although he and Tim were just acquaintances.Every time he saw me,he just kept bitching about Tim's face (when Tim wasn't there) and asked me why I liked Tim..because he thought that Tim was ugly and had poor personality.He kept telling me Tim's face was fugly and dirty,just like a brick wall/rubbish bin as Tim's face was rough and full of pimples...blah blah blah..and any guys in the university were better looking than Tim...and he always wondered why I liked Tim...blah blah blah...I just ignored what he told me at that time and I didn't think about whether he liked me or not...
Until one night (5 months ago),it was my farewell party.I dressed up and I took some photos.After the party, he and I were alone in the kitchen. He drunk some vodka and he was tipsy.He started making fun of me and was touchy-freely.He kept winding me up and bitching about the face of Tim again! He was so annoying because he kept telling me that Tim was SO UGLY! When I reacted,he kept laughing! He asked me who was better looking - he or Tim...He even asked me whether Tim had hugged me before. I said 'yes'. Then he asked me whether Tim hugged me that often and whether I felt happy when Tim was hugging me. I said 'yes,of course! '. Then he asked me,"then can I hug you?" I said "yes" because I expected that it was just a friendly hug and the hug from in front. To my surprise,he walked up behind me and put his arms around my neck and my shoulder! Actually it was our first hug....Then,he kept winding me up again by putting my bedroom key into the freezer,then into my sauce pan(I was boiling food at that moment).He also poured loads of vodka and coca cola that he was drinking into the food which I was boiling!When I reacted,he laughed!!Then,he suddenly came up to me again and hugged me.The hug was from in front this time. Then,he winded me up again and he stroked my hair slowly and gently from the top to the bottom!He also gently and slowly touched my forearms with his arms.Then he hugged me again!The next day,he phoned me and he told me that he had just uploaded my photos (which I had taken in my farewell party) on his facebook photo album. He also named the photo album "xxx (my name)".Then I went to his facebook. I found that he seldom uploads photos because he has only 3 photo albums (including my photos) on his facebook.The other 2 photo albums are his high school graduation ceremony and his childhood photos.The last time he uploaded photos was 2 years ago...
He's quite normal and friendly when he's sober.
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reader, anonymous, writes (15 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo dirtball,
Yeah,I definitely like him at this moment.
Although he's a joking person,he does have a serious conversation with me.We sometimes talk to each other on Skype and it usually lasts for hours.We share music,talk about life,jobs,friends,culture...etc.
Once we even talked for 9 hours...
but when he sees me,he likes making fun of me or messing with me although he still has a serious conversation with me.
Yes,you're right.He's immature,but he knows what he wants when it comes to relationship.Once he told me that he was a laid-back person.He wants his future girlfriend who is also as laid-back as him.He thinks that compatibility is very important in a relationship.He also looks for a girl who is good looking and has a nice personality.He told us that he's just 19,so it's impossible for him to have any commitment,a family or children now.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 December 2010):
now that's what happens when an Aunt is trying to do 2 things at once. Shame on me. Have gone back to re-read your posts again. When i saw mention of Susan, and that he was denying things had occurred(that really had occurred) I thought it significant that he would turn to her, but deny his attention towards you. I quickly assumed, incorrectly, that Susan was his significan other. Hmmm. So he is not in a relationship. My mistake. But he is not earning many brownie points from
me to drastically alter my view that he needs to mature, but am willing to listen to any other clarification that you think affects the situation. Please forgive that I misread into your comments on Susan. Sorry about that.
me for enough for a star.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (14 December 2010):
Haha, he'll always be single too if he keeps acting like this!
Honestly, you may like him, but his childish ways will get old really fast. You're likely much better off without him in your life. How could you have a serious conversation with him if he never takes anything seriously?
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for consoling me Abella.
Well..no...he's not in a relationship.Sorry,I should have made it clear in the beginning,Abella..haha.
He's single.He's always single.He and Susan are just acquaintances.He knows that Susan and I are best friends.He bumped into Susan in the library and he showed Susan the text which I had sent to him.Then he told Susan what he thought about the text.
"He's Susan's problem, not yours."---what do you mean?
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (14 December 2010):
There are more important things than caring what this guy thinks.
When a guy demonstrates that he does not respect you, then what he thinks of you is His issue. Not your issue. Because you should not associate with any guy who does not treat you with respect.
If a guy is in a relationship or still married (even if separated) he is NOT available to you. Never encourage such a guy ever.
You can move on to better things sooner, the sooner you put this guy out of your mind. You should not be speculating about whether he liked you or not. It is very important that you let go of this now. Your thoughts should not dwell on him. He should not be a part of any part of your life.
Because while you wonder, you are allowing him to still have a power over you. That delays you moving on to better things.
Banish him from your life, your thoughts, your feelings. He's not worthy.
Do not be rude to him, don't bad mouth him. He must be ignored, and not in a impolite way. You don't put on a scene if he enters the room. You politely walk away. No dramatic flouncing. No pulling faces. No words.
He has to be history.
And it is irrelevant if he put on such a good show that you thought he liked you.
He is not available
He's Susan's problem, not yours.
It is sad, but all you were to him was a stolen moment to disrespect you and disrespect anyone else who foolishly thinks he is an honorable man.
And it is not your role to warn anyone about it. Other people have to learn it themselves without anyone trying to tell them. They are adults, they'll make their own minds up, when they are ready.
When a guy wants to exploit a girl for potential no strings casual sex, he does not have to like a girl in some circumstances, she just has to be available to him.
Next time this happens say no, and walk away immediately.
It's not a compliment when a guy already in a relationship goes after you. No matter what endearments he offered to dupe you.
There really are available, unattached, respectful, really nice guys out there who would love to cherish and care about you. Be patient, you know it will happen when the time is right. In the interim Don't settle for anything less.
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Abella.
To dirtball,thank you for taking your time to read my long essays.Yes,you're right.I should move on now.He's so pathetic!He led me on and then he pretended that nothing had happened before when he was talking to my friend,Susan.He didn't tell Susan that he had flirted with me and touched me a lot!He didn't tell Susan that he had asked me several times whether I liked/loved him sexually.More importantly,how come he thinks it's weird that I like him?!!
Yes,he's just so immature and a total *erk!I feel hurt now...:'-( TBH,originally I didn't like him at all until he kept flirting with and touching me....:-(
Now,I just want to know one thing...has he ever liked me A BIT? Just a bit? A very little bit even if it's not serious?or all he wants is just sex?I just want to know this.......
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reader, dirtball +, writes (13 December 2010):
Thanks for the follow ups. He's missed out. He hasn't responded to you so it's time to move on. He doesn't deserve you anyway. He doesn't seem llke he takes anything seriously and then when there are serious consequences he gets scared. His mouth wrote a check he didn't think he'd have to cash. What a sad boy.
My advice is to move on. He isn't mature enough to handle anything real in his life at this point.
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female
reader, Abella +, writes (11 December 2010):
thank you for your lovely feedback.
I really hope this guy gets his act together. Real soon. And stops his negative talk. If he stays this indecisive all his life he's going to miss out on a lot of joy. Feel free to text the above verbatim to him. My best wishes to you for the future,too. Regards, Abella
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you very much Dirtball and Abella:-)
I did ask him directly how he felt about me but he hasn't replied to my text...it has already been 3 weeks now...
I'm so upset and irritated!I feel hurt now....
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSee,he told me he loved me but when Susan asked him,he denied it! Also,he has never told me that he "liked" me but he did tell me that he "loved" me!Probably he wasn't serious when he told me he loved me.
What should I do now?Should I wait for him until I next see him? Or should I just get over him and move on now?? We're studying at different universities.It's like 2 hours away. So we can't see each other often though his home town is the same as where I'm living now. But we might see each other in Christmas holiday.
Anyway,it has already been 3 weeks now.I'm so irritated and depressed because he hasn't replied to my text!If he doesn't like me,just texts me "we're good friends" or simply "no",so I can move on and make my life easier.but he doesn't respond to me at all!!
I know...sometimes I'm a bit over-friendly to other hot/handsome guys I met.I was excited when I talked to or saw hot guys around...then I just ended up talking to them and showing some interests. I did this in front of him (more than once)because I wanted to get him jealous. This probably is one of the reasons why he felt a bit shocked and weird when Susan told him that I liked him. Perhaps he didn't expect that I liked him.
5 months ago when we were talking on skype,he made some sexual jokes!Here is our conversation:
He: hey xxx(my name), you've got a sexy face. Tim (the guy I used to like/infatuate a lot) wants to have sex with your face.
Me: shut the f**k up!!! say it again!!!!
He: ok, Tim wants to have sex with your face.
Me: .\_/.
He: Is that your face?
Me: Yes! I'm angry!
He:cos it looks like a vagina. No wonder Tim wants to have sex with your face.
Me: f**k off!
He: Tim wants to f**k you
Me: Don't act like a dick!!
He: if i were a dick i'd stick it your face
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI like him,obviously.I like him a lot!Actually,5 months ago,he has made it clear that he would never go out with me because I'm 5 years older than him. He said this in front of me and another friend of mine.He was very serious when he was saying this because he was repeating twice...but I'm confused now...the way he acts is different from what he said!I do think that he's sexually attracted to me as he touched me frequently..but why did he still flirt with me and get my attention even though he will never go out with me?!Now I start thinking/doubting whether he has liked me before.May be I was thinking too much or over-analyzing.
I didn't like him 5 months ago but at that time he sent me a text (He used another friend's phone to sent the text)in front of me and our mutual friends. The text is "I love you xxx(my name) - shh don't tell anyone" I was a bit shocked and felt embarrassed at that time but I just pretended that nothing had happened and ignored the text.
but...I like him now so 1 month ago, when our group of friends were dancing in a nightclub,I sent him a text in front of him and our mutual friends. The text is "I love you - shh don't tell anyone" He looked a bit confused when he received the text. After we finished dancing,he and another friend,David,sat next to me on a bench. David asked us whether we were still hungry or not. I said "yes,i'm
still hungry". Then, my guy friend suddenly put his arm around my waist, and his hand is on my belly. He stroked my belly and asked me,"you've eaten a lot in the buffet in Cosmo. Why do you still feel hungry?" I was shocked and I screamed. He got his hand off immediately. Luckily nobody else noticed what we were doing. Later on, David left. Then my guy friend showed me the text which I had sent to him...and he asked me directly, "why are you sending me the text?" He looked confused and he kept looking at the text...i said,"because the music in the club was too loud. That's why I just sent you the text" He still kept looking at the text. I felt very embarrassed and went to the toilet immediately...
Actually I'm a shy person.Every time he flirts with me or touches me,I just keep laughing and that's it.I never try to touch him or show any interest in him. I'm just friendly. Every time he asked me,"do you like/love me sexually?" I just laughed off.
I met him again 3 weeks ago.We had good times together. When I said goodbye to him,I asked him for a hug and he was a bit shocked (Come on!He often hugs other female friends).He was just standing there..then I asked him,"are we friends?". He kept saying "no" but I kept asking him whether we were friends. Finally he said "yes,I was just joking".Then he gave me a hug and left.I felt regretful afterwards so I immediately sent him a text asking him "Do you really think that I was just joking when I sent you the text in Kasbah(the nightclub where we danced last time)last week?" He didn't reply. Then I sent him another text, "I think it's time for us to put everything on the table now. Have you ever loved me as more than a friend? Actually I did and I do love you" But he didn't reply to my text.
One week later,my best friend,Susan phoned me and told me that she bumped into him in the library. They talked a bit. Susan(my guy friend knows Susan and I are best friends) asked him whether he had contacted me recently. He said "no" and then he suddenly showed her the texts which I sent to him!! He told Susan that the text was so weird and he was confused. Susan told him that I had also shown her the text before. He told her that he was confused because he didn't know whether I was serious or just joking. He hadn't replied to my text because he didn't know how to reply and he's not sure if I was serious. He was confused.Then Susan told him,"I think that she is serious" He was still confused...
Then Susan asked him,"don't you also love her? You've told her that you loved her,right?"
He said,"no! I didn't tell her 'i love you'. I just told her 'I like you'. It's 'LIKE', not 'love'! "
He continued,"I know she used to like Tim(the guy I used to like/infatuate a lot),and now she likes me?....it's weird"
Before he left,Susan asked him to phone me and to talk to me by himself. He said that he would. But he hasn't phoned me or replied to my text since then!
By the way,he was lying to Susan!Actually he told me he loved me on Skype 2-3 months ago and he told me 3 times although I didn't think he meant it because he didn't say it seriously.
The conversation was like:
He:Ok,xxx(my name).I'm going to post the key to you.You'll receive it in a few days.Please check my mailbox after you receive the key.You can even open my letters and see what it is.If it is something important,just tell me,ok?
Me: Okay.
He:xxx,here is the key.Can you see it?Can you see it?
Me:Yes,I can see it!Hey,why are you putting the key on your middle finger?!
He:Ah??what?Have a guess...
Me:Why are you showing me your middle finger and putting the key on your middle
finger?!!
He:Because I love you,xxx(my name)!
Me:What?!
He:Because I love you,xxx,because I love you!
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reader, dirtball +, writes (6 December 2010):
I can't rule out either. He may just want sex, but he may be using the "sexually" thing to play off the joke, or break the discomfort of the actual question. I think you need to stop looking to other's analysis of the situation and take matters in your own hands. It will just take some courage on your part.
Decide what you want. Do you want to try a relationship with him if that's what he wants? Do you just want a fling? If you decide you like him, then it's time for a talk.
Sit him down to talk. Face to face. Tell him that all his flirty behavior has you wondering what his interests in you are. You need him to be serious with you for a minute and tell you what he wants. You like him, but don't want a fling. If his interest in you is more than sexual, then now's his time to tell you. Make this clear. It's his chance to lay it out and put your questions to rest.
Be prepared for either outcome. If he doesn't want more than sex, then that's fine and have it in your mind what you will do in that situation. I would suggest saying that you don't feel the same and that you hope he will stop with all the inunedo, but that's up to you. If he does want more, then go for it. Tell him you're going to take it slowly, because you want to make sure this is a real relationship. Then don't give it up. No matter how cute or persuasive he is, don't. Make him wait until you can't take it anymore. You've got to test to see if he was lying about his intentions after all.
Good luck.
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reader, Abella +, writes (5 December 2010):
I do not think he has matured enough for a long term full relationship,yet. But i do think he has a fantasy about doing so, with you.
Your Emotional Intelligence is far higher than his. In the immediate future he definitely does see you as a potential Friend with Benefits.
He needs to mature a bit even for that. He has already foreshadowed that if he drinks alcohol that his control will be poor.
Imagine making love to him and then have him rubbish every aspect of your lovemaking. That would be very hurtful.
Have a chat with him about how he could relate better to you, instead of rubbishing you all the time.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionCan I say that my guy friend just wants a fling instead of a serious/long-term relationship?
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI've told the whole story to one of my friends. Here is what my friend said,"There's no doubt that your guy friend is weird haha. He is 19 but that doesn't automatically mean that he is going to act mature. All his 'insults' is just an amateur way of flirting with you. He is using that "playfulness" as an excuse to get close to you, like the time when he was playing with you hair/back.
Anyways, his intention. In my opinion it is to have sex with you. He kept asking you if you liked him sexually, that's obvious. I would honestly say that he is not looking for a relationship, or if he is you shouldn't date him. Why? because he is kind of annoying/immature, for one, and he is also extremely inexperienced with girls.
The reason he teases you is part because he likes you and part because he can. You always respond to his "insults" or whatever you may call them, so he knows he can always elicit your response by doing those things.
This kid needs to chill out. lol"
Do you guys agree with what my friend said?
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reader, dirtball +, writes (3 December 2010):
He's afraid to ask you out. That's why he's asked you multiple times if you liked him. If you told him yes in a serious way, he would likely ask you out or confess his feelings. He doesn't want to put himself out there, and uses the teasing to cover his insecurity. Since he's always joking, it's easy to play off a serious inquiry as a joke when it really isn't.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 December 2010):
 Personally, I wouldn't date a guy who "jokingly" called me 'ugly', 'fat', 'idiot' or 'stupid'.
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to everyone here. I do think that he likes me sexually but I'm not sure whether he likes me romantically. He touches me a lot but he hasn't asked me out...so I think...he may want me as friend with benefit...do you guys think so?
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): I just think he's childish and totally immature. And some of the things he says are just plain RUDE! I personally would have punched him out the first time he'd said something so rude. Hope this helped =)
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reader, justme322 +, writes (3 December 2010):
uhggg god no need for all those "once" and "sometimes" LOL girl He likes you geeezzzz like a crush or more serious; THE Question is do you like him as much as he likes you? :O
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 December 2010): If you didnt notice he keeps on asking you if you like him sexually, I believe that he really likes you. Give it a chance and talk to him, and tell him that it is a time to be serious not for jokes when you talk to him.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (2 December 2010):
 Another slam dunk for Dirtball!!! *crowd goes wild*
I couldn't say it better. So I won't try! Good luck!
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reader, Honeypie +, writes (2 December 2010):
I agree 100% with Dirtball...
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): i think hes just trying to act cool...and get attention
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reader, dirtball +, writes (2 December 2010):
Wow, lots of examples here. Sounds like you've got a thing for him.
That behavior is how boys in grade school show they like a girl. Maybe he hasn't matured since then. Some guys get a kick out of winding girls up. It sounds like he does. It may be because he likes you, or it may just be friendly. Honestly, he sounds a lot like a guy I know. We all thought he was gay until he met his GF. He did that same stuff all the time, just playing around. That might just be part of his personality.
So, to directly answer your questions.
- I have no idea what is wrong with him.
- Maybe
- Maybe
- Friendly, possibly more
- Definitely sexually
- Probably
- It definitely entertains him
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 December 2010): He thinks you're attractive, obviously. I didn't even have to read the whole thing to know he likes you in Particular. If you like him back, you should make some sort of move to know for certain his feelings... he seems to be keeping at a distance through his teasing... I think that's as far as he feels it safe to go.
But anyway, that was a very exciting read... wish I had a playful little blighter of the same in my life!!
Cheers to you, luckyduck!
Tante-y Vic
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