A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have a friend (female) whom I (male) have a crush on but she is not interested in me, and just wants to be friends. I decided I was okay with that but recently I stopped talking to her because it was getting too much. I feel like a terrible friend but let me explain.You see, my friend asks me to do things for her, for support, etc. It is a lot of time invested, a lot of emotional energy..........most of all a lot of caring.I have cared for her a lot and have helped her a lot but it is SOOO frustrating because she asks me to do things a boyfriend would do and yet she is not interested in me as a boyfriend and likes to play the field. I feel like a scumbag in distancing myself from her but it is breaking my heart. It is also preventing me from meeting a girl with whom I can have a real relationship with.Am I a scumbag????? What else can I do????
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female
reader, Jen1689 +, writes (17 December 2010):
 My now-fiance did what you should do. He had asked me out numerous times on many different occasions. We had only been friends for a few months, but he had fallen for me hard. I knew of his feelings for me, and while I did enjoy his company, I didn't want him as my boyfriend. I just knew that if we went for it, it would be all or nothing, sink or swim, serious relationship or no friendship. And seeing as how I had just come out of a terrible long-term relationship, I didn't want anything at that point. But we did hang out a lot, and we had a lot of fun together. He was there for me through a lot of emotional problems I was going through, and he sat by patiently as I dated other guys and failed miserably. He was there for me when I was hurt and broken, but I still didn't want anything serious with him.He finally told me that he couldn't handle it anymore. He said that if we couldn't be together as a couple, then we couldn't be friends. At that moment, I felt a surge of relief pass through me. Finally I wouldn't have to deal with the constant pressures of him wanting to be with me.About four days later, something clicked in my head, an I realized that if I didn't give it a shot, then I'd lose him in my life regardless, so why not? We began "unofficially" dating that week. Then became exclusive only a few days after that. I gave my virginity to him not even a month into dating, and now, not even two years later, we're engaged.You need to make things clear to this girl that it's just not worth it to you to feel the way you are and not have her reciprocating any of the same emotions. Tell her that you need your space to get over her and tell her not to contact you for anything. Either she'll leave you alone and you can finally move on, or she'll realize that she does miss you in her life and will give it a shot. I hope this helped.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Then I think you need to distance yourself from her. I don't necessarilly think she's taking advantage of your feelings, so just tell her it's too hard for you. If she's a real friend, she'll understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): I am in a similar boat. I have a guy friend who I want to be more than friends with and I'm like a girlfriend but not.
I don't think you are a scumbag. You've just done what some people, like me, are in a way afraid to do. However, at the same time, it's not the best thing to have done. Admittedly, she is taking advantage of you, but surely you could talk to her about it and solve your problems that way. Who knows? It could make things the way you've always wanted.
When I next see my crush, that is exactly what I am doing. Why don't you do the same?
Good luck and I hope it all works out for you :) xxxx
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDirtball, well, she has another friend she asks a lot of favors of, but she asks me because I am near her, I am resourceful and I have helped her out a lot in the past. I don't mind helping, but the more I help, the more supportive I am, the more I want a relationship beyond "just friends".
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 December 2010):
I do favors for female friends all the time. The thing you have to consider is why YOU'RE the one she's asking. Is it because you're a great friend, or because she's taking advantage of your feelings?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank you both for your answers. Dirtball--we have already had that discussion, and it is clear she does not want me as a boyfriend.
I would love to hear an opinion from some females if possible!
Is it normal from a female's perspective for you to ask favors of a guy but not want them as a boyfriend?
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 December 2010):
No, you're not a scumbag. Your friend is using you. She knows you have feelings for her and she's using that to her advantage. Think about what she's asking of you. Are they things that she'd ask of other friends? If not, then you have to ask yourself why that is.
To me, she sounds like an emotional vampire. She'll get what she needs from you and kick you to the curb if you get fed up with it. They are often disguised in a way that makes us think that couldn't possibly be the case, but upon further investigation you realize they were a succubus the whole time.
Distance is indeed good. It will suck for you because you like her, but in the long run you'll get over it and move on. I'd actually suggest cutting all contact.
You could always give it one more shot. Tell her how you feel, and that you feel like her BF already without the benefits. Then ask her to give it a shot with you. If she rejects you, the it's "have a nice life" time. Be done with her. It's probably best if you were just done with her all along, but feelings like this need closure, so putting yourself out there again may be what it takes for you to get that closure.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): No you're not a scumbag, you're only protecting your feelings. I feel as though she is leading you on because she knows you like her more than just a friend, so she is taking advantage of the opportunity to use you. Stop doing favors for her and tell her it's too much for you and you want distance until you can get over her.
You can take the space you need and use your energy on meeting another girl, who will promote a healthier friendship and maybe relationship.
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