A
female
age
36-40,
*mber_renee
writes:I've been going out with the same guy for the last 8 months. It wasn't until recently that we started arguing a lot over dumb things. The problem that i have, and have stated in the past fights we've gotten into, is his lack of trying to make things better. I feel as if we should talk things out, he thinks a hug or a kiss will make the problem go away. The past few times we fought have not been in person but via text. when i try to call him during the argument he'll forward me to voice mail and text me that he will not argue on the phone, and continue to text which makes things even more aggrivating. We live about an hour apart so its not always easy to just drive to his house. Point is regardless of why or who started the fight im the one continuously making the effort to talk and work things out, which always has to be on his terms. This past time that we fought and he refused to answer i got so mad i texted him that we are through! thinking he would call then he didn't, just said how he was shocked and has been trying to make things better also that he really loved me. all i asked was for a simple phone call that i still haven't received just to show that hes making an effort to talk. I told him if he has anything to say at this point to call. It's been a week and he will send me random texts, one saying that he missed me, and then said "I thought you told me you only break up with people in person" i kindly reminded him to call if he had something to say. The next day I get a text saying " Why would I call when I said I missed you and you didn't even say it back?" Also that he"s mad that I chose to break up with him around the holidays. I told him if he was so worried about us being broken up to just call and ask me to talk maybe we can fix things. still no call. Bottom line, all i want is to see some effort on his part to make things work. I don't know if I should resort back to my old ways by just making the effort myself or wait to see what happens. He is hurt that i broke up with him but i feel i have a valid argument, that he doesn't seem to understand. I'm so confused by the way he acts, i don't know if he just doesn't care enough or if it's his way of trying to control the situation. regardless of all this i love him and am really upset:(
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Sometimes its better to pick & choose your battles. If he wants to argue about something small there is usually a big problem behind it. If he's worried about something thats unimportant to you then you should realize its important to him, just the same if something unimportant to him is important to you. If you're 8 months in and not happy about how the relationship is, just imagine how its going to be 10 years from now. It usually doesn't get any better and tends to get worse. So its better to bail now instead of later. As for the phone call, its kind of trivial to base your relationship survival on it. He might have anxiety about making the phone call. He probably knows he'll have to face rejection and your anger. Texting makes it impersonal enough for him to cope with it. Hearing your voice say what he's dreading might be too much for him to handle. If you want him to call you then leave him a voicemail talking in a normal calm voice without saying anything hurtful so he feels safe enough to call.
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 December 2010):
 It is definitely his way of controlling the situation and I agree with you completely. Communication about this stuff is really important. Kissing and making up doesn't solve anything, it just buries the problem only to have it resurface later.
Stick to your guns here. You've told him that if he wants to make things better, then he needs to call you. There is no wiggle room there, so screw him if he wants to play this text game.
This sums up my thoughts on communication. http://www.dearcupid.org/question/what-ever-happened-to-communication.html
His unwillingness to communicate is indicitive of problems that will come further down the road. It's probably best if you find someone who values communication like you do. I doubt this guy ever will, he may not even be capable of it.
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