A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in hospital (pregnancy loss related) and had an overnight stay, whilst I was in overnight,I found out my partner masturbated to porn. I feel angry and emotional over this, am I over reacting?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 January 2011): He's an insensitive jerk off that's for sure. And reading some of the posts from the males on here, I am surprised that women and men ever get together!! You should always try to walk a mile in someone elses shoes and I have tried to put myself in the guys place, knowing that you both had just lost your baby, and tried to imagine him selecting the porn site and clanging one off. And sorry, I just wouldn't be able do it. The mind and body are closely related and when I am stressed, I find it impossible to masturbate. The stress overrides everything. Don't men generally say the same thing, oh I am so stressed I couldn't possibly have sex with you tonight!!!!! There's some confusing information being bandied about here by the pro porn lobby and it's all to defend the ugly act of pornography. If my partner had done this, I would never forgive him.
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 December 2010): Just remember men are NOT wired like women. I ALWAYS want sex when im stressed, grieving, feeling under the weather, sad or depressed. It always makes me feel better. Men often have sex simply because it makes them feel good. Women usually have to first feel good to desire sex. ENTIRELY different, so I understand how you feel but cut him some slack.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 December 2010): oh my god u poor thing, Ok i understand that nearly all men wank and dont really see a problem with that but you are in hospital after a miscarraige and he goes home for a wank??? erm am i the only one here that thinks its a bit odd that he would even have sex on the brain after losing a child?? Relieving stress my arse!! Its very insensitive of him to have gone home and bashed one out while your an emotional wreck in hospital.
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A
male
reader, honest_human +, writes (19 December 2010):
What do you expect him to do when he's horny, he can't help when he is. And I'm sure you'd rather him do that then sleep with another woman.
OVER REACTING.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Kelly McGillis' (Top Gun) husband went out and bought a hooker while she was giving birth. So I am thinking he showed some restraint.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): sex feels a lot better for men than it feels for women (your own words) that means orgasms should not have a time and a place, it goes above and beyond anything. i really really didn't know that!.
When you are a man you can tell us what being a man is like.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Im of the opinion that you aren't over reacting. Stress release, sure. I get that. But seriously, i've been through a miscarriage. Bugger what you guys say that it helps him cope with the loss. Its an excuse to masturbate to porn. When his partner is at her lowest point! Yes its a shared hurt, but getting drunk is a f**kload more understandable then getting off to porn! If all a guy can think of is needing to 'release' then he's really not taking much into consideration at all. She cant help that she wasn't at home when he wanted something. And you know what, if she was home, i bet he wouldn't of wanted anything from her. This is pure selfishness im sorry. There are plenty of other ways to console ones self then to orgasm. A truckload. The last thing in the world a woman wants after suffering a miscarriage is to find out her partner was more interested in getting off then worrying about her. At an already all time low with selfesteem, selfworth, and not feeling all that womanly since the loss of a baby, porn adds even more on top of those already bad feelings. Sure way to lose my respect.. Im speaking from experience here too. I went through a miscarriage. My fiance was working when i first went to hospital. I bawled for nearly a wk. He didnt want to masturbate during this time. Not because he couldn't, but because he wanted to help me. He put me ahead of his own selfish pleasure. I made sure he was more then satisfied once i could and once i realised what he'd done. He woulda done something himself once i'd recovered more and i really dont care. He didnt want to when i couldn't do anything with him as well, to him that was selfish. Thats the reason he gave me when he told me all this.. So im sorry but guys, you dont 'need to masturbate' or whatever when you lose a baby. You choose to. Same as you choose to every other time. For once perhaps you shouldn't think of being selfish in that aspect when your partner needs you more then ever and should concentrate on helping her.. Im not saying give it up, but for one wk it sure wont kill you. And no you dont suffer from it. I get just as much sexual frustration as my now hubby when we cant or dont do anything, if not more. Op, im sure your bf didnt mean to hurt you, but i'd remind him that you needed him and perhaps getting off to porn at that time was a bit thoughtless of him. Regardless of what excuse he gives. But right now you two need each other so try and hear him out too.. Best of luck
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 At first, my instinctive reaction was : overreacting ,my foot. You are in hospital- due to a miscarriage, feeling sad and unwell and maybe in pain. And first thing he does, he uses your absence as a chance for a nice wank party ?? That would make me puke !, not just be emotional.
But then I remembered that masturbation is a big stress reliever, and that people have many different ways to cope
with stress, worry and loss.
It's a bit as if he had gone home, hit the bottle and got pissed drunk. Not a "politically correct " reaction, maybe ,but understandable : whatever works.
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A
female
reader, marcia99116  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 your entitled to your feelings but in my opinion the fact that you are asking if you are over reacting indicates that you realize you are.
Some part of you must realize the guy needed release to easy tension and stress, to relax and take his mind off his worldly thoughts even if it is just for a few minutes.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): Can I ask you guys something?Both men and women? Are we all in agreement that orgasm's are good thing? Very good in my book I think.What if a woman was guaranteed an orgasm in just about every single sexual encounter. What if each and every time you felt frisky and applied the right action to the right place you were minutes away from a knee buckling orgasm? Would the criteria a person uses to engage in flagrant delecti be a little looser. What if you could sneak off for ten minutes or less and get to the promise land? No small talk. No dinners. No conversation. Just you and a stop watch away from clutching your pillow and saying yes yes oh god yes. Would you duck out every now and then and just do it and straighten up and be done with it?That's what it is like for a man.
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I honestly think he was doing it to console himself. Masturbation is often used to relieve stress and boost his mood. Being very unlikely in the mood for sex after a traumatic experience, but still wanting the release, porn is a very natural stimuli to achieve his ultimate goal of felling marginally better.
You have every right to be upset, but his goal wasn't to hurt you, it was likely to releave his pain from your shared loss.
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A
male
reader, rivi +, writes (17 December 2010):
How did you find out exactly ?
And yes you are overreacting. Men sometimes just need a sexual release of semen build up.
It's nothing personal.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): No you arent over reacting. If you went through a traumatic experience and you were laid low in a hospital bed. The last thing you want to know is that your 'better half' was at home at the time, masturbating to pornography. It does make him sound rather crass.
Obviously you were never meant to find out!
But i can understand it leaving you feeling disappointed in him. You will need time to recover from recent events and its important that you do so with the least drama possible. So dont get yourself in a state over him. Honestly its not worth it. Get back on your feet first, then if you still feel the need, confront him about his behaviour. For now, put your needs first and concentrate on recovering from your loss. I hope you feel better soon x
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A
male
reader, The Realist  +, writes (17 December 2010):
 Yes you are over reacting. I am thinking he has masturbated to porn a lot just never talked about it. It has nothing to do with you being away form him. Although it could be attributed to stress from worrying about you where he needed some external source to relieve that stress. I wouldn't take it personally and I tell everyone this. Porn is only a problem when it becomes an addiction and affects the sex life or time spent together in the relationship.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (17 December 2010): In a word, yes you are.He was undoubtedly needing sexual release at the time and had no desire to get another person to help him with it. So he chose self pleasure and visual aides. You were not able to tend to this need at the time, so he went with best alternative.Flynn 24
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A
female
reader, AliceSullivan +, writes (17 December 2010):
 I'm not sure... i found it utterly disgusting when i found out my partner masturbated but its so common i mean you have absolutely no idea but 98% of men masturbate and 59% of women it is actually proven to be healthy for you, and relieves sexual tension you may feel that he is doing it in place of you but it really isn't
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A
female
reader, Anne6296  +, writes (17 December 2010):
No you're not overreacting.
You have a right to be upset.
You just suffered a great loss and he's meant to be there for you.
Boys may be boys but that's just unacceptable.
Tell him how you felt about that.
Make sure he understands.
I hope everything works out.
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A
female
reader, straight to the truth +, writes (17 December 2010):
This is tricky, in the one hand I think he shouldn't have been doing this, he should have been upset about your loss but o the other hand it was just a quick masterbation which isn't anything important.
is it that he was masturbating thats made you angry or that he was masturbating when he should have been more upset.
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