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CaringGuy
writes:We often see a lot of questions on Dear Cupid from parents trying to communicate or to make sense of their teenage children. I answered a question for a mother the other day, and was told that I should adapt it into an article (original thread http://www.dearcupid.org/question/i-think-im-a-good-mother--.html). So here it is, and I hope it helps people understand teenagers a bit more. First of all, every parent can be assured that their teenagers love them. Even with all the shouting, screaming, slamming of doors and silent treatment, your teenage children LOVE you. Very much, and pretty much unconditionally. Yet there is a lack of communication that can wind up making that beautiful child appear more like a snarling beast. Think back to when that teenager was a baby. What would it do if it wanted something? It would cry and scream almost uncontrollably. And what would you do? You'd get up, go to it, hug it and comfort it. You'd accept that it was part of being a baby.Now think about your teenager? When your teenager is in a mood, do you hug it, comfort it? Or do you get angry back, shout and send it to its room? I'm thinking that it's more likely that it ends in a shouting match and the slamming of doors. So what changed? Why is it that parents give a baby, or a small child a huge amount of support, but then back away with support during teenage years? The answer seems to be that there is a communication breakdown, and an over-expectation from parents. Parents want to believe that teenagers have grown up, that they are stable, that they understand right from wrong and that they can act an should suddenly like adults. How many parents have used the lines "You're not a child anymore" or "Grow up and act your age" in the heat of an argument? Nearly all, I think. And yet, they are still children, and they are acting their age. The problem is that teenagers simply don't have the mental capacity to deal with emotions in a rational, controlled way. Their emotions and minds are still growing, and their reactions are at their most raw. A teenager can't turn from an immature, innocent child into an emotional genius overnight. It takes years, and a huge amount of support. In fact, teenage children need more emotional support than any other age range. They needs just as many hugs, just as many kind words and just as much love as a baby does. They're still children, and they still need you. Teenagers are in fact the most insecure and fearful creatures around. But they're also too proud to admit it. From whether they're popular, to whether they have good grades, to whether they're attractive, they will worry about everything all the time. But they won't say anything, out of pride and also fear. I say fear, because the thing a teenager is most fearful of is parental rejection. They are deathly afraid that you will suddenly stop loving them and that you will reject them if they screw up. And because they're so insecure about this, they will attack you for it. When you tell them off, when you suggest something, when you order them to do something, when you stop them doing something, then they will go on the attack because they fear that you are rejecting them. That's not to say teenagers shouldn't be disciplined. But it's very important that it's done in the right way. Shouting, screaming and using lines such as "I told you so", or "you're a moron" won't help. You've got to approach a teenager with an open mind and an open heart. Be calm, not matter what they have to say. Treat them as you would hope to be treated by them when they are older and wiser. Show them respect, and they will show you respect. Perhaps not straight away, but they will. Most of all, don't give up on them. That's essential. Teenagers are very easily hurt, and they will blame themselves harshly and relentlessly if they think you're rejecting them. And the worst thing that can happen to a teenager is for it to feel that it's to blame for everything, because that's where they will slip into depression. Be open, be understanding, listen and have pride in your teenager, even when they screw up (which they do once a day at least). Show a teenager that whilst they're growing up, you're there. Let them express themselves, even if you think they look ridiculous. Encourage them. Teenagers need a huge amount of encouragement. They are in constant need of love, understanding and care. A parent is the rock upon which a teenager will build its foundations on. That's your job. You have to be there when they fall, and you have to forgive them when they fall hard. If you can do that, if you can listen, you'll have fewer issues than if you give up and expect them to do it all themselves. Don't give up on your obnoxious teenager. It'll be worth it all in the end. And, one day, you'll even receive your word of thanks. Most likely it will be when they have their own children.
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 February 2014): if only my mum had an account on here to read this article'''
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reader, zebralove  +, writes (14 June 2011):
 Ah I was out of controle emotional in my teen years, and me and my mother would get in to huge fights. She use to tell me that she was doing this because she loved me and that I would thank her later and I thank her every day now for not giving up on me (my dad to ofcourse but me and my mother both have strong personalities therefore I would fight with my mom more often then with my dad). I also had a fear of disapointing her because I look up to her so much, I still do even tho I don't live with them enymore. I still need my mother, shes the strongest persone I know and I love her to pieces.
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reader, Abella  +, writes (13 May 2011):
 this article very ably demonstrates why articles should be easier to locate for new users. Because, unless one knows where to find gems like this article, newer users may not or cannot find such articles without sifting through many posts.
I Recommend this article for parents of all pre-teens and teens.
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reader, Abella +, writes (25 December 2010):
i think some things deserve more than 5 stars. Elegant succinct and pertinent in everyway article. You said it very well.
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reader, jd7x7 +, writes (25 December 2010):
From my own experience of growing up and observation of others the problem is usually that parents don't give the teenager enough space. "Tell me about your day" the minute they walk in the door is a sure-fire way to stress them out. I was quite fortunate in that I was sufficiently self-aware that I was able to explain to my mother that moving from the school environment back to the home takes adjustment, and that if she would just give me an hour or two I would come and talk to her of my own accord. I honestly don't buy that stuff about teenagers being terrified of losing their place in their parents' lives - most of them would jump at independence if they could manage the material side of the equation. The people who have to do the growing up here are the parents - and I can appreciate that this is tough.
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 December 2010): CaringGuy, I'm the mother you spoke to last week. You're spot on. Thanks for your wise and caring words.
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reader, dirtball +, writes (20 December 2010):
 Aside from the things you mentioned in your excellent article CaringGuy, I'd also like to warn against the other extreme. That would be trying to be your child's friend.
Your child has friends of their own. Your job is to be a parent, not their friend. Many parents want to try and fit in with their teen and avoid fights by acting more like a friend. This causes just as many issues as overly restrictive parents. The reason is that kids need boundaries. They need guidelines. They need structure. It's easy to forget that because of all their pleading about being an adult. You just have to remember that isn't the case yet no matter how much they say to the contrary.
Good luck parents! I know there were times I hated my parents, but one thing I always knew was that they loved me good, bad, right, or wrong. I have since thanked them for everything they did while I was growing up (and I don't even have kids). Your kids will appreciate your structure and rules someday, it just isn't today.
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reader, Agony Aunt Annabel +, writes (19 December 2010):
 As bang on as the majority of this article was (kudos to you!), some teenagers can deal with their emotions, but feel unable to open up to their parents because of the expectations their parents appear to have. Try talking to your son/daughter when they are calm about how you just want the best for them.
Teenagers like thinking they are independent, and you as parents might start to believe it and forget to show love (hugs&kisses) to your teen because you've got so used to them refusing it. But all teens need love whether at the time they want it or not, but don't force it upon them, or it doesn't feel like love anymore.
Other than that, the rest of it seems good advice:)x
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reader, C. Grant +, writes (19 December 2010):
 It's funny, you know, but I think most of us vowed when we were teenagers that we'd never forget what it was like and that we'd never do what our parents did to us. And in the intervening 20 or 30 years proceeded to forget just what that was.
There's a lot of wisdom in your article, CaringGuy. If you can hang on to it, your teenagers will be fortunate kids.
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 December 2010): After reading this, i do agree. My parents and I aren't friends. I learned as i got older, i didnt like my step very much. I love her, she does a lot for me and i feel i dont deserve it, for things i've said and done.Parents expect their teen to just grow up. I dont know if it is just by learning from mistakes or watching other people grow up. Maybe a parents just thinks that when their teen was young, they'd already taught right from wrong, do's and don'ts.My point is, is that they did stuff too and it's like they just expect the best from us. Teens are no different then a baby. Minus the fact we can talk and do things on our own. But, we're still the needy baby that looked up at you, with our wide open eyes, before we left the hospital,Together.In the teenage years, it's when we need a parent, no less than before. We're always changing, everything.Are teens just overwhelmed or just outraged or even just more curious about life because our parents loving care and tender love seems like it dissapeared?And secretly we're all hiding that we miss it. Xoxo
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