A
female
age
36-40,
*carlettxx
writes:I went out with my boyfriend the other night for something to eat and a couple of drinks, we ended up having a heart to heart and he said to me 'If (his ex) ever asked me to hang out with her one day would you mind?', I was a bit tipsy at this point and I know my face dropped... He went on to say 'Oh I'd always let you know if she asked or whatever'. I'm a very easygoing girlfriend and we do love each other but I just don't think I'm ok with this. Apparently they were on and off for over two years and she treated him terrible according to him but he still defends her when he says this saying 'Well she was in a bad place'. We've been going for a few months now and he says he's never felt more in love with anyone than with me but I'm still uneasy as to why he would want to hang out with his ex. They have a lot of history and I do feel threatened by this to be honest...Can anyone help me with this feeling of unease? Am I being controlling by not wanting him to meet up with her? (I haven't actually said that to him yet.) Or what do I say if he says she actually asks? Thank you so much for any help :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I think you are being honest with yourself, and that's a good thing. If something doesn't feel right, then you have a right to question it. Now, I think that maybe you should have a heart to heart talk with him and tell him how you do feel about this. Being honest and having an open communication line is the first step to having a good relationship.
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 That's not selfish at all, it's looking out for what's best for someone else. That's the opposite of selfish.
I hope he realizes what he has in you before he does something stupid. Best wishes.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I would tell him you feel uneasy about the 'meeting up' - but if it is only perhaps a daytime coffee for a catch-up that might be ok. More than that and I would say no, not happy.
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female
reader, Fabulosa +, writes (20 January 2011):
 I think u need to be completly honest win him about this. And no I don't blame you. Sometimes you need to leave the past in the past and I think that what he needs to do. I don't think its fair if he choices to satisfy he want over yours ( she wants to see him and you don't want him to)
I hope he understands. How would be feel kit was the other way around?
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reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I am very over protective myself, and if my boyfriend asked to meet up with his ex. I would defiently be annoyed!!
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female
reader, Scarlettxx +, writes (20 January 2011):
Scarlettxx is verified as being by the original poster of the question Hi guys,
Thanks a million for the great input. I really appreciate the answers. I do question her intentions as well if she does ask to meet him for coffee. I think she may recently be out of a relationship as well :/ I do trust him but I also question his intentions. Many here have said an ex is an ex & I know he's a nice person but I don't know... She may have other intentions... My intuition is saying it will not come to a good end if they meet up... but maybe that's my paranoia talking instead :P
If he does say she asks I'll explain that I'm not very happy about it but people here are right, I can't stop him... It would just hurt me a lot that he'd choose the girl who treated him like dirt over the girl who treats him the way he deserves to be... but maybe that's me being selfish...
Thanks for the great answers though :) Very much appreciated :)
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 January 2011):
Are you being controlling? A little, but not in a bad or a way that's not understandable. The truth of the matter is, if they hang out, feelings he's repressed could come to the surface. If they had a history of being on and off, then it's not out of the realm of possibilities that she could convince him to give it another go. Even though that's the worst thing he could do, I know it would be tempting for him.
He needs to let her go. If he maintains contact with her, he's not letting her go. You cannot force this decision however. You can only share with him how it would make you feel, and how much it would hurt you to see him put himself back in that situation.
You're definitely stuck between a rock and a hard place!
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female
reader, AshyCole +, writes (20 January 2011):
 i dont think your being controlling at all, i think its normal especially in your situation. but if he just really wants to see her or he keeps asking, go with them. maybe he does just want to be friends, and also it might be a good idea to let his ex know your not intimidated by her and try to be her friend. if you just freak out on her she'll just want what she cant have and chase after him. its your call on what to do, but your not being controlling at all in my opinion.
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reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Hi!
Let me start by saying that he's a great boyfriend for letting you know, be honest, talk about it & ask your opinion before doing anything... I give ur bf so much credit.. Very admirable of him, shows character & respect..
Why I say that? I am 37 & my boyfriend/best friend (same age)of 10 years lied to me about seeing a girl. When confronted lie about everything & continue lying & denying.. I am so old & this sitiation is so embarassing & kids play games, not old people like us. Enough about me...
To your answer:
NO! You are absolutly right to feel this way. They don't need to be hanging around together alone. Maybe w/u & group of friends, but not alone...
I don't care if ex has problems, issues, whatever, she shouldn't be talking, calling, asking ur boyfriend to meet alone...
Some people might not agree w/me, but female & male spending time together alone is never a good idea, unless they are persuing ea/other, but this thing people say & make excuse: "just friends" never work & always end up being physical & emotional.. Reality is that I believe it might start innocent, just friends, but its human nature that when people spend lots of time together they get "attached"
Hope for the best & good luck to you..
I give your boyfriend credit, he's a keeper..
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reader, Denissia  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 You answered your question my dear,any feeling of unease,stand by it,ur instincts are telling u sumthing,listen to them,and never trust any man 100%
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female
reader, cassy09  +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Just tell him you're uncomfortable with the idea and you'd prefer it if he didn't hang out with someone he used to have an intimate relationship with. Hopefully he'll understand. If he persists just say "Listen, I can't stop you from doing what you really want to do, but you wanted to know my opinion, and that was it." And that's the truth, you can't stop him. And if he still chooses that he wants to spend time with her make sure he tells you when he's going, and don't get angry when he goes, that'll make him keep it from you if he goes to see her in the future.
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