A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I recently found some hardcore porn on my boyfriends wireless device, which is attached to his computer via the TV.Now - can I just point out that I am no prude and I have no objection to porn, and myself and my boyfriend do not live together, so I understand he has 'needs'.However, we had a conversation about porn a couple of months ago which was very amicable and I asked if he had any porn, or watched it when I wasn't around and he categorically said 'No - he didn't need it as he had me'. (Heard this before?)I brought the subject up as I have borrowed his laptop and noticed some rather dodgy sites in a folder, so figured I'd come straight out and ask.He's always clearing his history on his new computer via an automated program and tells me this is because it saves space on the computer (which it does) but I couldn't help being a little suspicious.So...what would you do - do I come clean and tell him what I have found?Why did he lie to me when we already had a discussion about it and I showed I can be reasonable?I was so upset when I found the porn that I almost phoned him there and then to have it out about the lying...but thought that face to face would be the more sensible option. He knows I am upset with him, but I have not yet told him why. I told him I would not talk about it via text or over the phone, I just hinted I was upset because I had found something. To which he didn't reply. I won't be seeing him for a few days yet, but this is breaking my heart and I do not know what to do. Any advice appreciated - thanks
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male
reader, dirtball  +, writes (24 January 2011):
 I mean, is this part of who he is?
Kind of. It's part of his masturbation ritual, which is part of who he is.
Do I just accept it and try and move on?
If you think you can, then that will make your life easier. For many men, porn is nothing more than an aid. A means to an end. It carries nothing further for us. To some, it becomes a problem/addiction.
Talking openly about it is a great first step. It will do your relationship good to keep that up. Here's another link you may want to check out. kc_100's answer is one of my all time favorites.
http://www.dearcupid.org/question/admit-it-guys-youre-fantasizing-about-the-girls.html
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionUpdate - I explained how I felt...boyfriend said he only uses it now and then when I'm not around. He says he didn't tell me about it because he was ashamed/embarrassed and it's frowned upon.
I told him I was most upset about the lying...began to cry, he said he was sorry.
I still do not know how I feel about the actual porn after discovering it...I mean, is this part of who he is?
Do I just accept it and try and move on?
He did offer to get rid of it...but my concern is, that will then be telling him what he can and cannot do, which I do not wish to do as I fell in love with him, which means you take on the good and the bad.
BUT, if this porn is more like a bad habit, which can be changed, then I do not know which way to turn.
And will he most likely just look at stuff on the internet anyway, as it's so readily available?
I'm battling with my inner voices!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questiontrancedrythymear - thank you for the constructive feedback, I shall take on board what you have said. It's very helpful to have a (sensible) male perspective on the subject.
anonymous male - Where did you get the idea that he would get an 'ear-bashing'? I quite clearly stated that it's not the porn that is the issue but the lying.
He'd have a problem watching it with all the 'lads' round in just one small bedroom!
I am open minded and I am happy to accept people the way they are - I just don't like being lied to.
Obviously it was not that point which you chose to address, instead you wandered off-topic and made assumptions about me as an individual.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Porn isnt about "needs",it also doesnt mean he watches it alone. He might have it on when the lads are round and bring cans of beer. Porn isnt real,he knows that. He is gonna deny it to save his eardrums getting a battering. Your view of porn leaves me wondering if you have ever masterbated whilst watching it,as thats what you seem to class it as. "needs"? If you have that is no problem to me. Your outlook and the way you are taking it looks like you may be better finding a guy from your local church for compatability.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Hey you!
Im sorry for what he has done. I can imagine you feel a bit degraded and unwanted. This situation is a definitie communication issue. I feel you should confront him as calmly as possible and ask him why he lied. As a guy, I lie sometimes cause Im scared of the persons reaction (am trying to change this and have).. in this case he may be embarrassed to tell you. That doesnt make it right however. I hope he's not solely dependant on it as that would be addiction. Talk to him and get a gameplan to help him remove the porn from his life so he can earn your trust back. Good luck :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks you for your reply, that helps alot.
It is definitely the lying that has got to me, I feel betrayed and hurt. I hope we can sort this out & I will keep you posted..
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 January 2011):
Why did he lie?
That's the million dollar question to most women on this subject. For many men it's because we've been hiding it our whole lives. We're told it's dirty and masturbation is wrong. No matter how much you tell us otherwise, our experience has taught us that's not the case. So we lie. Many men feel it is very personal and because it's simply a masturbatory aid, we don't think it needs to be discussed. Also, it is quite rare to find a woman who is truely accepting of porn, so the "what they don't know, won't hurt them" mentality takes over.
Is this right? Nope, but that's how it is.
When you address this, focus on the lies. It's very good that you didn't want to do this by text or over the phone. That shows a very good understanding of communication and what are proper discussions for different kinds of communication.
There are quite a few threads here of people in a similar boat, but here is probably my favorite: http://www.dearcupid.org/question/why-is-there-no-middle-ground-when-it.html
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