A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I'm 35, my wife 36, we have 2 kids, married for 7 years. Before our kids born we have really great relationship and have sex every day. Sine she got pregnant the first kid her interest for sex declined sharply. No matter what I tried the most we can have sex is twice a month. I love her and she loves me. After the kids her full attention becomes on the kids. Then I start to visit prostitutes. I have slept with more than 30 prostitutes(with some more than once) in 2 years time. I had an affair with a 55year married woman.Through time my relation with my wife declines to the point she lost hope over me. She have no idea about what I did but she was suspecting something is not inorder. Welost communication and there is no emotional connection.Then 2 months ago we talked about it and we decided to rebuild our marriage. Now we are very much close, so much emotionally connected and having sex almost everyday. Everything is back as it was before. I not only stop seeing other women, I even don't have the very thought of it to the extetnt that I almost forgot what I did. I really don't regrate. I had STD test and she too, both of us clear. That was the most important thing for me.i decided not to tell for her. Now my problem is while I'm devoting myself to her, i don't like her friendship with other men, though it was not something new. I afraid her not to fall in emotional affair. I just want to protect her not to make the same mistake as I did. And sometimes I want her to have an affair with someone else. may be it is my guilty concieious. Now my problem is should I tell her or push her to have an affair for herself?
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affair, married woman, prostitute, std Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Fabulosa  +, writes (23 January 2011):
 Chigirl I totally agree with you! It makes me so sad that so many people on here are so quick to bash. People come for advice and get insaulted. It happens on so many posts!
Anyways you sure got yourself in a pickle! I think you should be honest so you can start right. She going to be pisses but you made a huge huge huge mistake and you need to man up to it. Give her time to be angery and just be there for her. Good luck and stay away from any more prostitutes NO MATTER WHAT!!!
A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 January 2011):
Chigirl, you're right, we are (or atleast I am) ganging up on the OP. The problem with text as a medium is that you miss the context that face to face contact gives you. The follow-up didn't sound sincere to me at all, which is what propelled me to react as harshly as I did. Still, it is naive of me to think that my post would somehow open up his eyes, if the OP was indeed insincere like I suspected.
The problem with making BIG mistakes like these is that once the line is crossed, it becomes blurred and crossing it again becomes easier and seemingly less bad. I do think a person can redeem him/herself when that happens, but only if that person understands the severity of those mistakes.
I guess the thing I have a real problem with is that the OP decided to start on a clean slate and give himself a new chance while the wife is completely in the dark on the matter. If he deserves a new chance, I think his wife deserves to know what he did so she can decide for herself if that new chance is going to be with her or not. Keeping a marriage going "for the kids" is never a good idea.
Still I have to give to OP credit for posting the question because he must have known he would get flak for it.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 @ chigirl: it is nice to read a different perspective and yes you're right, none of us actually gave him any advice.
after the story he told, the last line was the question 'tell her or push her to have an affair' so my answer is tell her. after all her has done (this all occurred in the space of 2 years, just because his wife has had children - he admitted he was getting sex everyday previously, right, if i was merely a pussy to my husband and if he couldn't get mine he would simply go elsewhere for it - 30 prostitutes - some of them 'more than once' AND an affair with an old woman. then i sure as hell would wanna know! i would wanna know what i was dealing with, and then IF i could get over the fact that he had done this, while leaving me to care for our 2 young kids, potentially exposed me to disease, lied about where he had been going, covered up, and wasted our money on the venture, then i would stay with him but make sure that he got help for his problems. the question he is ultimately asking is does he want to take this gamble. i stick by my original comment and say: no he won't.
so OP if you don't want to lose her, it is not a good idea to tell her is it? coz i cannot imagine any woman who has got a scrap of self respect wanting to stay with you after what you have done. and i just hope that the 'pain' you felt while you were doing all of that, will be enough of a deterrent to prevent you from EVER doing it again. get some help to address the issues that drove you to it, because it is not normal behaviour, this is MORE than a case of 'unfaithfulness'
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A
female
reader, chigirl  +, writes (22 January 2011):
 I wasn't planning on saying more to this that what I already have, but after all this senseless bashing I thought I'd say something after all. If not for anything but backing up a human being here. What is it you all suggest? That because he went 30 times he must be lying to us? That he wasn't feeling bad and hurt from all of this? That it's not possible? That it's bullshit? I can smell bullshit as well, my nose isn't stuffed. But I don't smell bullshit from this. If he's sincere about being hurt from going, then I will believe it. Because I know it is darn well possible, and easy too, for someone to make a mistake you regret.. only to do it again. And again. And again. It happens to the best of us. It's not an excuse, but it's a fact. If you've never experienced it it's easy to say it wont ever happen, or that it's bullshit. Easy to say when you were never in those shoes.
The way I see it is that this guy had a crap marriage, which his wife DID contribute to. And now he's trying to fix it. And you recommend he's not even worthy of trying. So what, he should just abandon kids and wife and leave? What a great solution. I'll leave it up to the OP to judge what is best for him. But if he wants to keep his wife, and keep the good thing that they have started to develop again, he needs to let this be a part of his life that he will live with forever without ever telling her. That will be his punishment, and I promise you it is punishment enough.
You try and go through a lifetime living with guilt. It's not easy at all. It makes you quite humble. Which is what I believe the OP is.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): AWW how noble of you wanting to protect your wife.......Oh please its too late for all that. You may as well go on and contact a divorce lawyer cuz after you tell her that even if she doesn't say the D word right away it is going to inevitable especially since she has friendships with another men. If you rally want to push her into an affair jus go on and tell he about yours. that should do the trick.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): I would like to address The Walking Dude directly if I may. I raised pigs when I was a teen-ager. And on behalf of pigs every where I would like to register a complaint about comparing the OP to a pig.
I mean... what has a pig ever done to you except provide a tasty meal.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 January 2011):
question: are you only here spilling your guilty guts about the hookers and the affair because she has now found friendship with another man?
you know PERFECTLY WELL you won't tell her what you did so stop wasting our time.
even if you push her to have 'an affair' it still doesn't even up the score
i hope karma does its job this time
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A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (20 January 2011):
 "But you don't know how I hurt myself while having sex with each an every prostitute."
If you truely felt bad enough to be suicidal, you wouldn't have kept doing it! Your bullshit stinks from here.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (20 January 2011):
Op, are you are trying to downplay what you did by telling us you didn't enjoy all the sex you had with those whores? That you hurt yourself doing it, that you didn't want to? Well, noone forced you. YOU made that choice. You didn't hurt yourself because if you did you wouldn't have done it 30 times.
You didn't want to kill yourself, because if you did you would have thought twice about going to those hookers. If you cared and respected your wife you would have been able to hold yourself back.
Instead you didn't and are now trying to pass it off as "addiction" as if that makes it all alright. It's not alright, it's a despicable thing and for you of all people to advise others to never cheat is laughable at best.
You say you feel renewed. To me it sounds like you are you patting yourself on the back because you made new years vows not to cheat on your wife anymore. And on top of all that you feel no regret anymore. OP, I honestly wish your wife would open her eyes and see what a horrible person you are.
Everyone makes mistakes. What matters is that you genuinely feel bad about making them and doing everything in your power to do something about them. You don't care. Not really. You're only interested in making yourself happy.
Is that the kind of person you want your kids to look up to?
Be a man and face reality for once.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Thank you for your comments,
I did STD before I have sex with my wife. She did it when she has to because of other (visa) reason.
Some of you are harsh on me. I know what I did is wrong. But you don't know how I hurt myself while having sex with each and every prostitute. I don't enjoy a single of those horrible sexes. There are times I thought of killing myself after having the sex. i felt no only betraying my wife but myself. I'm not that kind of person. It was like addiction. Now everything is in order. Surprisingly all the regrets, bad feelings, and depression are not there. I feel renewd. Now I'm all in my wife. I love her more than ever. We are happier now with our kids. i don't want to spoil this. But I'm trying to tell her with out details.
My advice for others is no matter what problem you have with your spouse or you find something new in others don't cheat. It hurts youself a lot. Try to work out with your spouse. If doesn't work get separated. DON'T CHEAT NO MATTER WHAT!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Good point. Why did your wife get checked for STDs too?
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A
male
reader, PortOr +, writes (19 January 2011):
 other question is why did she accept to a STD test in the first place ? Did you talk her into it ? or is she hiding something herself ?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 To what end? to hurt her or drive her away? Bite your tounge and try to honor your bvows for a change.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011):
I'm having trouble taking all of this seriously since you said both you and your wife were tested for std. Is she a complete moron or did she not ask why you wanted to be tested? You have many other inconsistencies in your question.
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A
male
reader, studentForLife +, writes (19 January 2011):
Hmmmmm...If you want to save the marriage, don't tell her about the 30+ prostitutes and your affair. Past is past. So, don't saw the sawdust, so to speak. I somehow get the feeling that you are repenting and that is enough.
And when you are married to a woman, you don't own her. She needs to have her own space to pursue her hobbies, interests, have like minded friends (regardless of the gender). So don't be jealous.
Only a man who is insecure feels jealous. If you are confidant that your wife finds you attractive even now, that you have taken care of her well, acted like a good husband (spare the cheating part), met her physical and emotional needs...then you should not feel insecure. If you have not done the above mentioned things, start doing them now. That is what rebuilding a marriage entails.
Lastly, let her know that even she needs to play a part in this rebuilding process even though, for most part, you are the one on the wrong side. Tell her that for a happy marriage she must meet your sexual needs more often, and this is a very fair demand from a husband....(this is so that you won't be tempted to go back to the prostitutes again)
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A
female
reader, :)31215 +, writes (19 January 2011):
 leave her to do what she wants.
If i were her i'd dump your sorry ass and find someone better.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I echo the walkin dude, seriously you slept with over 30 women and you don't like that she has male friends?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): You sleep with 30 prostitutes and some middle aged woman then you have the nerve to say you don't want your wife having male friends? You're a real piece of work.
Of course her attention was on the children, what did you expect? You make it sound like these are her children not both of yours.
You risked your wife's health for a cheap thrill.
I feel sorry for your wife. She doesn't realise she's married to a pig.
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A
female
reader, viccra78 +, writes (19 January 2011):
Really? Married for 7 years and STD testing? If my husband asked for that after 7 years, I'm pretty sure I would know what he did.
The reason you don't like your wifes male frienships is because YOU had the affair. Don't make your problems her problems...oh but you already have!
I say yes, tell her so she can leave your sorry butt! Too bad if you tell her or if you don't she has a loser either way!!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Tell her.. Allow her to leave you and move on, she can do alot better! Poor lady deserves more, you selfish, selfish man.
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A
male
reader, Jmtmj +, writes (19 January 2011):
 If you want to keep her, don't tell her.
I think the most important thing you can do is work on your relationship and do whatever you have to ensure that you won't make this mistake again.
Though can you really call something you did 30+ times a mistake?
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A
female
reader, Sweety Pie +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Ermm... if you want to keep her, then no don't tell her just keep it in the past.
However if you have a guilty concience and can't do this, then your gonna have to keep her. Just don't expect her to stay. You basically cheated on her with over 30 women. Bit of an ego killer...
Your marriage has improved now, but your efforts into keeping that going.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): Hey after sleeping with more than 30 prostitutes and having an affair with a lady old enough to be your mother, yes please allow your wife to sleep with other men as well. What is good for the goose is even better for the gander.
LoveGirl
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (19 January 2011):
Well, I'll give you one thing: you have guts posting this.
But really, why don't you divorce her? She deserves a much better man than you. You're talking about having a guilty conscious but I don't see how if you allowed yourself to have sex with a whole army of whores behind your wife's back AND have an affair with someone else on top of that. Judging from your *cough* 'loyalty' to your wife, I'm presuming that other woman doesn't know anything about that either, right?
If you want to do your wife a favor, remove yourself from her life. You're using her like a piece of garbage.
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (19 January 2011):
I think you shouldn't tell her or push her to have an affair either. As it is she is aware that the marriage was falling to pieces, and if you wanted to tell her about seeing other women you should have done so before going. As it is I do not think she will be able to continue being happy in this marriage if you tell her the truth. Perhaps she already knows you were unfaithful, but it is best to not say anything. However, if she asks, tell her you were unfaithful. Do not bring up the number of women or tell her they were prostitutes, it is not of importance how many, how many times, or with whom.
You should also guard yourself from becoming controlling over your wife. If she meets other men, don't say a word about it. She is a grown woman! She can take care of herself, and if she does end up having an affair then so be it. You have had affairs, then so can she, but do not speak of it. Let it slide. That is if you want the marriage to continue. Every marriage has it's secrets, and on the outside can look perfect and troublefree, but there will always be secrets to each marriage. As long as you and your wife gets along and are actually enjoying each others company now, then let the past be the past and focus on not ending up making the same mistakes again.
If the sex-life goes disappearing again, talk to her first and foremost, and tell her you can not go for so long without sex.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I wish I could have some sympathy for you, but man.... I've got nothin'.
30+ prostitutes and an affair? How disgusting....I feel just horrible for your wife and your children that they have a spouse and a father who could sink so selfishly low.
Did it ever occur to you that maybe the reason for her lack of sexual desire was all the changes her body went through to carry her's and your children? That suggesting a discussion with her doctor to see if she has a medical reason for this, instead of seeking your selfish lust outside of your marriage? Seriously, is marriage no longer sacred anymore???
Oh, and worrying about your wife seeking attention from other men? Yes, that's your guilt and hypocracy coming through loud and clear.....
Yes, this kind of stuff makes me angry.... that people cannot commit to the vows they took and throw them away so easily for a "right now moment" to make them feel better. I suggest some serious counceling for you privately and THEN as a couple if you actually really want to salvage your marriage.
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