A
male
age
36-40,
*tudentForLife
writes:Hello all,This is a question regarding etiquette and American culture.I am a student studying in the US but I am not an American (I am from South Korea). My student life in US has been, for most part, a very alienating experience with absolutely no friends, and no social life. I tried to make friends, initiate conversations with classmates etc, but no avail. So I gradually began to accept my predicament, and convinced myself that this is a cultural shock (which I am experiencing for a more than a usual duration)and thus became very withdrawn. Nevertheless, I am still happy, and level headed. So no worries about depression, suicide etc.Recently, a classmate of mine started talking to me, used to give me rides in his car, and we helped each other in our studies. He is a nice guy. And, even though we don't know each other for very long and we don't spend a lot of time together, I still feel that his company was a welcome change for me.And now this guy and his wife invited me over to their home for dinner. This hospitality was a surprise for me. My question is: In american culture, when a person is invited for an informal dinner, is he expected to give the host some gifts in return?I am thinking of giving a gift card from walmart etc for say, 50$....is it a bad idea? Because, in gift cards, we never use creativity...it is like giving them money.Or, Should I buy some item for him and his wife? Then what should I buy? What should be my budget, considering the following:1. I am a grad student... (so not very rich)2. I don't know this guy for long.3. He is the only friend I have here.4. He and his wife are middle aged (30) and i am 22. So I cannot give something very funky!!
View related questions:
money Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): For casual friendships it's not expected. Just enjoy and thank them nicely when you leave.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): The gift card is way too much. If the meal is to be casual, and I'm guessing it will be, a couple of 2 Ltrs of soft drink would be fine.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Just ask him if you can bring something... If he says no then don't.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): Relax and enjoy! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Dear OP
I am not offended at all for the middle-aged comment. Don't worry, mine was just a joke.
Gift cards are ok for birthdays , Xmas and other official occasions, but a casual dinner with friends is , luckily ,a much more informal thing.
Enjoy your dinner, and do not get discouraged, you'll find out that, if you overcame the difficulties of the first impact, in general Americans are actually very nice people .
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Gift cards are normal for gift giving occasions (birthdays, holidays, etc.), but this is not a gift giving occasion. That's why a dish or drink to share is more appropriate. Good luck, I hope this friendship blossoms.
Don't worry about the middle aged thing. You'll realize when you hit 30 just how old you DON'T feel. LOL
...............................
A
male
reader, studentForLife +, writes (19 January 2011):
studentForLife is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all. You were all very helpful.
By the way, I got this gift card idea because, all the stores(CVS, Walmart, Walgreens, Bed Bath and Beyond)I've seen advertise this very aggressively...like gift cards for newly weds, for birthday, for baby shower, for new year, for christmas etc. So I thought giving gift cards is the norm in USA.
Also, I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said 30 is middleaged. I guess, I have to change my perceptions in this regard.
...............................
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (19 January 2011):
 If you live in a city that has them, a nice assortment of handmade chocolates or cookies would be nice. NOT the packaged ones from the supermarket, however. A nice bottle of wine would be good, if you want to be hip and not spend too much money, buy an Italian prosecco (it's a sparkling wine like champagne) and bring that, chilled already. That's festive and fun. Another inexpensive but good choice would be an Argentinian Malbec (red wine) or a Sauvignon Blanc (white wine) from the Marlborough region of New Zealand. You should be able to get a bottle of any of these for under $20. Ask the wine shop clerk for help.
Do NOT bring a gift card and especially do not spend $50! That's far too much. That would be appropriate if you were spending a long weekend or a week with them, not just for dinner, okay?
Even more special would be to bring a Korean specialty, inexpensive is fine, and explain why it's important in Korean culture. A nice story about it is almost more important than the cost. The item and what it represents will be more interesting than how much you paid for it.
Or just bring a beautiful bunch of flowers or a small potted orchid, again, you should be able to do this for under $20. Any more than that and it will feel like too much to the couple who is hosting you.
If you were coming to my home, I would really appreciate the item from your home country, that would mean the most to me. Best if it is a food item, something that can be consumed, and not something that has to be displayed.
Have a nice time!
...............................
A
male
reader, dirtball +, writes (19 January 2011):
Everyone has given great advice so far. I agree that a bottle of wine would be a great addition to the dinner or possibly some dessert item from your culture if you can manage to make or buy one. That way you have something to contribute as well as a conversation piece about your culture. Many of us actually love learning about different cultures, but making that first step is the hard part.
In general, it's a nice gesture to bring something to share in these situations. Usually guests will bring a drink or dessert to pass. Asking if you should bring anything is never out of line.
...............................
A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 A gift card or money would be too much - if it is a casual dinner then it would be nice if you took a bottle of wine (can be reasonably priced but not too cheap otherwise it wont taste very nice!). $10 to $15 would be about the right price. Alternatively chocolates or flowers would be equally good.
Keep in mind (as Cindy Cares said) 30 is not considered middle aged in the US (or throughout most of Europe/America). Middle aged is really 40+. So they are still young and will be interested in similar things to you, as they are only 8 years older which is not much of a difference.
I hope this helps and good luck!
...............................
A
female
reader, Battista +, writes (19 January 2011):
You could ask them if there's anything you can bring- they will probably say no though.
If they do I would bring a bunch of flowers for his wife (who has probably done the cooking), and a non-expensive bottle of wine or a bottle of soft drink. It's more of a gesture than anything else, but it's a kind thought. Don't go over the top though, as everyone else has said here. The gift card is a nice idea, but it's not appropriate in the circumstances. Spending $50 is way too much I would say. Over here (England), I might spend £10 max on the flowers and drink combined.
I'm sure you'll have a great time. Be relaxed and be yourself.
...............................
A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (19 January 2011):
I am still recovering from the shock of hearing two people of 30 described as middle- aged, and therefore by definition, not funky. I made a mental note to never invite you over for dinner,LOL-
Anyway- no no, no money or gift card. 50 $ is way too much and anyway you don't give money to your hosts, they would find it strange or maybe even offensive.
Just bring a bottle of wine ( not a fancy one ), or bring dessert ( cookies ,cake , something like that ).Or a nice little bunch of flowers for the lady.
Or,if you live in a multicultural area and can shop for food in South Korean shops, you could bring them some speciality from your country .
A little general suggestion based on my experience as a foreigner in USA : Americans are a very friendly,approachable population, but you need to meet them halfway. You can't afford to be as normally reserved as you'd be in your culture, they'll probably think you are uptight or standoffish.
Smile a lot, say "hi" first, match their body language... it should help.
Good luck !
...............................
A
female
reader, DenimandLace44 +, writes (19 January 2011):
 The gift card is way too much. If the meal is to be casual, and I'm guessing it will be, a couple of 2 Ltrs of soft drink would be fine. Just ask him if you can bring something... If he says no then don't. For casual friendships it's not expected. Just enjoy and thank them nicely when you leave. Relax and enjoy! :)
...............................
A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (19 January 2011):
 no no to the gift card. A pretty but not extravagant bunch of fresh flowers for his wife might be nice. Or a nice box of chocolates, once again not too big and not very tiny, and not too extravagant.
Use the dinner to learn more about the culture. Don't criticize the students who have not been kind as it may make them feel bad about the other students. Thank them for their kindness though.
...............................
A
male
reader, Jmtmj  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Don't give them a gift card, its not christmas, its dinner.
Perhaps ask your friend before hand if you should bring anything? If he says no, then don't. A cheap bottle of wine or a bottle of soft drink is a pretty safe thing to bring if you're intent on showing your gratitude.
...............................
|
